Another Friday night. Another Friday night to waste and to get wasted. Another night to pretend I wasn't lonely. To pretend being amongst friends gives me the same sense of belonging and intimacy It used to. Here I am, standing in the midst of heaving bodies and noise that passes as the latest in music. Surrounded by school mates and people I am supposed to have a lot in common with. I have never felt more alone. I should be flirting and getting drunk now while being vaguely worried about my parents throwing a tantrum when I fail to sneak up the stairs at dawn tomorrow.
Another night to pretend on top of everything else that an empty home isn't awaiting my return. That thought makes me feel as ancient as it usually does when it crosses my mind. It wouldn't be such a big deal if I was really as ancient as I sound but I'm not and it really is a big deal even though I do my best to pretend it isn't. I've become so good at pretending I feel even my best friends can't read me anymore.
Its quiet. Why is it quiet? Shouldn't there be a too loud Shatta Wale song pounding against my ear drums? Whoah. How did this happen? I step out of my depressing head to realize I'm no longer at the Lockwood mansion but walking on a side street away from the party. I thank my subconscious. I really needed to get out of there. I realize only now that I don't know where I'm going. The thought of going back to my empty home is unappealing. I might as well continue walking. I trust my subconscious to take me where I want to go. Being a witch has a few perks.
Isn't this the time I usually call Caroline and/or Elena?
Yh. It is.
Why am I not doing so?
Probably because Elena is caught up in the Salvatore of it all and Caroline with Matt.
Or is it Tyler?
Klaus?
Who knows? I can't keep up!
I really should quit talking to myself. Caroline and Elena may be my best friends but I have other friends. Time to use my contact list instead of the speed dial. I could call Matt but he is probably on his shift at the Grill. Why I have the Salvatore brothers' numbers, I'll never understand. It is particularly odd considering the world is usually at stake whenever I get a call from either of them. It says a lot that there is only one person I can call just for the sake of it.
I look up and notice I'm at the old mansion infamous as the place the witches were burned. I smile a small smile to myself. My subconscious apparently thinks I need to be near people like me whenever I'm depressed. Supernatural people. The only drawback to that line of thinking is that this house houses spirits alone and not actual people.
Its then that I feel a hand on my shoulder. I yelp, turn around and stretch out my hand in the direction of the touch. My vision is unfocused and it takes a moment before I see a man clutching the sides of his head, kneeling in front of me. In my confused state, I notice he has jet black hair. Inky black. Like a crow's feathers. He is muscular but not bulky.
"Damm Bonnie, I thought we were past you using your witchy migraines on me" comes from the man's mouth. Good. He can still talk. For a moment there I was worried he was just a regular human and would die from my continuous aneurysm.
"Judgey!"
That single word snaps me out of my foggy state. Its sounds familiar and is said with pain as well as an air of familiarity. Who calls me that?
Damon
A wave of relief rocks me and I let out a sigh as I realize who the intruder is. Its Damon. I start bringing my hands down, easing up on the power as I do so. Its just Damon being his usual depraved self. Its Damon Salvatore. That understanding causes me to lift up my hands again and prolong the aneurysm for a few more seconds. I do so not only because Damon should have known better than to be sneaking up on a witch but also as a lesson on who the boss is. The main reason why I'm doing this, if I'm being honest with myself is because his screams make it easy to avoid analyzing why I suddenly felt safe when I learned he was the intruder. I let him writhe in pain for a while longer before I stop the madness.I keep my eye on him as he picks himself up and dusts his all black outfit.
This guy gives macabre a whole new meaning.
I raise my chin and brace myself for his inevitable retaliation. I'm surprised when he looks at me, shakes his head and says: "Remind me never to get locked up in a gulag you are warden of."
The lack of retaliation and any real venom in his voice throws me off so badly it takes a moment for me to respond with:"And here I was thinking you you were a disciple of masochism."
That earned me a wry smile. Unusual. He then turns around and walks back in the other direction without a comeback of his own. Really unusual. I'm definitely curious now. My curiosity causes me to fall into step beside him. He surprises me further by not reacting in any way to my presence. I tell myself I'm not worried about him and his unusual behavior but just curious. Damon acting in any manner than standard dick Damon usually precedes something bad happening. Just ask Ric and Jer about their snapped necks. I see his car in the distance and realize that is where we are heading.
"Stay here." he says to me as he reaches into his car and pulls out a bottle of bourbon, along with two paper cups. He offers me one of the cups. I look at him, the paper cup, and then back at him.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Is there anything better you would rather be doing right now? Any important place you have to be? Someone need saving from the Wicked Witch of the West?" is his sarcastic response to my hesitation.
I take the cup from him and hold it out to so that he can fill it with bourbon. The triumphant smile on his face makes it obvious he was goading me. Crap! I shouldn't have fallen for it. Again. We enjoy our drinks in surprisingly comfortable silence. Surprising for me at least. Both of us are sitting on the hood of his car. Dealing with our own separate thoughts while staring up at the witches' house.
Damon breaks the silence. "I'm sorry I don't have anything to water down the bourbon with. I usually don't have high school aged drinking buddies."
I can't tell if he is goading me again or being sincere when I look towards him. His look is neutral.
"What where you doing out here anyway? Besides trying to give me a heart attach." I ask. Trying to change the subject.
"I could ask you the same question." He replies.
"Yes you can but me being here makes more sense given that I am a witch and this house is the death site of many witches. Not to mention I can harness a lot of power here." I say. Turning towards him.
"Good point. I was on my way to the Lockwood mansion to chaperone at Ric's behest when I saw you walking off in the distance and in this direction." Damon turns to give me a long, thorough inspection. I try not to fidget under his gaze. "You look good by the way. You should dress like this more often." I ignore the compliment in favor of asking:
"So what? You decided to come check up on me?" He lifts his eyebrows at that.
"Don't make me laugh, Damon. We both know Elena and making Stefan hurt is all you care about." I say with far too much emotion than I had intended. I am relieved when he neither teases me or focuses on my show of emotion.
He simply looks back at the house and says: "I didn't intend to. You just seemed more haunted than usual. Not to mention, you were headed here. I could tell you weren't really present. I wondered if Emily had made a comeback. That is until you hit me with your juju and it occurred to me it was just same old Bonnie B. You still got it."
"Thanks. You deserved it for sneaking up on me. What the hell were you thinking?"
"Like I said, I thought we were pass the inflict bodily harm on and stare each other down stage. Also, I called out your name several times. You were out of commission"
I had nothing to say to that so I kept silent and sipped my drink. It wasn't half bad but I was still sure I would pass out or puke my insides out if I guzzled it. I was feeling a little guilty about giving Damon an aneurysm. He had gone out of his way to come after me (He implied he did so to check up on me . Yh, I'm not believing that) only to have me lash out at him. I would apologize if apologizing wouldn't be weirder than sitting here sharing a drink with him. An explanation is the safer than an apology.
I couldn't do so while looking at him so I faced the witches' house and said: "The party wasn't really my thing. I had only agreed to go because I thought it was a chance to reconnect with the girls again. Like old times, you know. Before.."
"The Salvatore brothers and all the supernatural shit came to town." Did that sound bitter or was it just my imagination?
"Yh before then. The Girls' Night Out was a bust. Elena was with Stefan." I looked for a reaction to that statement and found the same neutral look. "And Caroline was playing hot potato with Tyler's attention. I would have headed home but.."
"You didn't want to face the reality of an empty home and your feelings of loneliness."
I was momentarily stunned by the succinct way he put into words the thoughts I'd been trying to avoid and how he seemed to have deciphered the way I'd been feeling. I'm pretty sure I would have been freaked out about Damon Salvatore knowing a weakness of mine in the past but I'm oddly not worried about it tonight. It seemed like tonight was a small little bubble separate from the usual flow of time.
"Yh. I didn't." I admitted. I held out my cup for a refill. We were pass the halfway mark of the bottle.
Wow, He really does like his bourbon.
"I guess if anyone would understand that, you would."
"Please. Do enlighten me."
I turn to look him straight in the eye. "For starters, you always pick up a girl in town and compel her to not be scared of you. Not even when you true vampire nature emerges. You do so because you want them to see the monster and still stay. To see the dark side of you and still willingly choose to stay. I think that is you greatest desire. Deep down in your cold dead heart. Also, because you want a companion. Someone to talk to. Your are never alone at night for the same reason I didn't want to go home tonight. 'You don't want to face the reality of an empty home and your feelings of loneliness.' as you so eloquently put it. Snatch-Eat-Erase is just your coping mechanism."
Damon was staring at me for what felt like forever. He finally opened his mouth, it seemed to argue but a raise of my eyebrow made him close it up.
"That was badass." He finally said with something like respect in his voice.
Don't let the tone of his voice get to you .
"Just telling it as it is."
"Not to mention really hot."
"Come on Damon, I thought you had better lines than that."
"I am a little off my game." I detected a hint of a smile in his voice but I was too busy trying not to look at him to tell. We were now going commando with the bourbon. I wasn't anywhere near drunk but I felt a bit less inhibited. That and the surprising civility of our conversation made me ask why he offered me the cup of bourbon in the first place. The gesture that started our commiseration.
"Haven't you heard Bonbon? Misery loves company." is Damon's reply.
"What did you have to be miserable about?" I ask.
He was taking so long to reply. I forgot he was a vampire with heightened sense of hearing and was about to repeat myself when he answered in a barely there Jim Caviezel-esque whisper: "Today is my Mum's birthday."
He wasn't looking at me now. I couldn't wrap my head around that. The fact that he had a mother once (he is the epitome of independence) or that he cared about her enough to be this affected on her birthday. That made my statement about him caring about his brother's girl and downfall alone seem petty and judgmental.
I had nothing to say to that and was waiting on him to elaborate when he said: "Why didn't you tell Blondie or Elena how you were feeling? They were there at the Lockwood party." I saw that for what it was. An attempt at changing the subject. I nodded my head to let him know I knew that. He acknowledged it with a tilt of his head.
"Well apart from the already stated reasons. I think. Well I guess. I didn't want to be told everything was going to be alright, you know. That I should chin up. That everything was okay when it clearly wasn't. I didn't want to hear the 'I am here for you' and the 'You can count on us' when it was obvious I am always second to whatever is their primary interest at any point in time." I hadn't known that this was how I really felt. I also had no idea why I was telling Damon of all people this but it felt right to finally let it out.
"Don't get me wrong. I know they are not mind readers and can't know what is bothering me if I don't tell them but I also know real friends notice something is bothering you, ask what it is and wait for you to be ready to tell them. That sets the stage for you eventually telling them what it is."
I continued: "I haven't had a 'what's up with you' from any of them in a long time. Well maybe except Matt but he is busy hanging by a thread. He is more handicapped than most. Even me. And I can't always dump my problems on him. I know Care and Elena love me but most times, it feels like I am always more invested in them than they are in me." I take the bottle from him and take a long drag.
"At least you have your Dad. That is supposedly better than nothing. Why not turn to him?"
I notice the way Damon said supposedly but I am too emotional to analyze it. My dad has always been a sore point. I swallow before I reply.
"Do you know where my loving father is right now?"
He shakes his head.
"Neither do I. Well I don't know where specifically but I know he is on yet another business trip. The fourth this week alone. He isn't even really here when he is here. He gets home after I go to bed and leaves before I wake. A picture perfect Dad, huh?"
There is a moment's silence before I add a tag to the previous statement.
"The depressing thing is that I think he believes he is doing me a favour by leaving me to my own devices. Giving me space, so to say. I can't really blame him though. My mum left him to tackle a two person job. It may have been easier if I were a male like him but I'm not."
"Did he say that?"
"He didn't have to."
"Sometimes I can't help but get mad when I hear my friends complain about how suffocating their parents are. How they try too much and how that is the absolute worst thing. They should try having parents who don't try at all. I would trade my magic for a parent that suffocates me with his/her love."
About 7 minutes pass before Damon speaks. I think it is allow me to recompose myself and get a handle on my emotions.
"My mum was my favourite person in the world." Damon says. Catching me off guard again. I am strangely touched he is choosing to tell me about his Mum on her birthday. More so because I didn't have to push him for him to.
Maybe, he is sharing because I shared?
"Even more than Stefan?" I ask.
He smiles before answering. "Yes. Even more than Stefan. It was only after her death that Stefan quit being the cry baby who intruded on my time with her and followed me everywhere to became my new favourite person. I'm always equal parts nostalgic and depressed on her birthday." He has what could only be described as a fond look.
"I'm sorry to say but Stefan didn't seem as out of it as you do when I saw him over at the Lockwood's"
"That's probably because he doesn't remember her much. I'm sure he misses her and feels bad but its more to do with the general feeling of not having a mother rather than emotions that come from losing someone you really care about."
I had to admit, that made a strange kind of sense. I miss my mum but I'm always more emotional when I think of Grams and the way I lost her. I need to forget that. Even if its just for now. That is the only way this bubble and truce between me and the elder Salvatore can continue.
Damon saying: "You have it better than most. I know that knowledge doesn't make you feel any better now but trust me, it will." gets me out of my thoughts.
"At least you don't have a younger sibling that gets all the love and attention you want." He continues
I roll my eyes at that. "Are you ever going to let that go?"
Damon counters with:"Are you ever going to forgive your mum?"
"I already have." I reply
"No you haven't. You forget, we are alike."
"Please don't say things like that. They make me want to join the tomb vampires."
He laughs. A genuine laugh. One without malice. It may be the first genuine laugh I've ever heard from him. It makes me want to smile. And I do.
What the hell is wrong with me?
"My mum died when I was young. I know she didn't choose to leave but she still left. Like I said, you have it better than most Matt has no one and your Dad is a good man who is trying even though he is going about it the wrong way". Damon says after his laughter subsides and he is sombre again.
A look comes over Damon's face that I haven't seen. Not even when we were at the try to kill each other on sight phase. A look he never got with the Founder's Council or any of the enemies we've faced. I immediately recognize it as the one he usually gets around Katherine but just dialed up. A look that relates to the emotion borne when love for someone turns into hate.
"My old man was a piece of shit who delighted in punishing his sons for his life turning to shit and his wife's death. I was the older brother so naturally took most of the heat for my own perceived wrongdoings and Stefan's because I always covered for him. I'm willing to bet Stef doesn't remember that either. He was always proud the townsfolk said he looked and acted like Guisseppe."
The use of the first name says a lot about their relationship. I now understand why he used "supposedly" when he spoke of having at least a dad. I turned to look at him then. To really look at him. As if for the first time. He was still staring in the short distance at the mansion, illuminated by a full moon.The Damon I had got to know tonight seemed so different from the one I was used to dealing with and encountered on a daily basis. I can understand the feelings he inspires if this is how he is with...
"Staring is rude, Judgey."
"I wasn't staring. And don't call me Judgey." He had to ruin it. He just had to.
"Sabrina then, you ladies have a few things in common. Being teenage witches for.."
"Not Sabrina either. No nicknames. It makes it seem like.."
"We're friends?" He interrupted.
"Yes but we are not. Its a feature of a certain level of intimacy we don't share."
"Didn't me calling you Judgey get you to ease up on the witchy migraines?"
They definitely did but I'm not telling him that.
"No they didn't. I recognized..."
"My astonishing good looks, sexy body and eyes blue enough to swim in?"
I had to laugh at that.
"That was your best one tonight" I say.
"What can I say? I'm back in the game. With some help from from the annoyingly judgey witch"
He was smiling (not smirking) and I could't help but smile back at him. Who would have thought? Damon and I having a heart to heart. Or that a night that started off so miserable would turn out this way. With me spotting my most genuine smile in weeks. It must be true what they say.
Don't say it.
Misery does love company.
Soundtrack
a. Snakeships ft Chance the rapper and Tinahse - All my friends.
b. Ed Sheeran - Save myself.
c. Bebe Rexha - I got you.
d. Johnny Cash - Hurt
e. Rihanna - Cheers (Drink to that)