Xion's never felt comfortable with anything. Well, maybe Roxas – no, not even Roxas. It's been close, and sometimes Xion had felt that maybe, maybe, they could completely relax; however, there's always been something that sets them on edge. Something's constantly off around their friends. Axel's nice (as nice as a Nobody can be, anyway), but his smiles are a little too wide, his jokes are a little too forced. Everything about friendship is false and wrong for Nobodies, so Xion doesn't really mind. Friendship is a charade, but it's a charade that they need to have now. Pretending that things are normal for just a few minutes somehow makes non-existence a little less cold and nothing and just- Xion doesn't know. Like Roxas, they don't remember anything before non-existence, so maybe this is what their Somebody felt like or maybe it's just the way everyone is and the worlds are all just everyone faking it. Even Nobodies don't know, Xion thinks.
If there's anything that might really be all Xion and not just something else, it's the 'feeling' they get when they look in the mirror. They see the indigo eyes, the black hair, the heart-shaped face, and they know it's not right. Or it is. One day, they think they would look better with spiky hair like Roxas; Xion asks him how it would look, but he just sighs and tells her that 'she would look ridiculous.' Xion clenches their fist that night and wonders if the fire in their chest is anger.
They fuss over how look but never change a thing, and Xion can't bear to just hide their face with the hood. They shiver instead of feeling hidden and feel exposed. Xigbar calls them a puppet, and that's what they are. Xigbar is too though; aren't all Nobodies heartless, emotionless beings who work for only one thing? Hiding their face would make them a true puppet, Xion believes, so they run their fingers through their hair (though they feel like it's not perfect) and zip up their coat all the way. The coat hides what they look like, and Xion wonders what gender is. Is it how you do your hair? Is it the shape of your face? The sound of your voice? Xion's the only Nobody that is called 'she,' so they don't know.
After thinking about life and their non-existence and the taste of ice cream coupled with Roxas' smile and Axel's grin, Xion concludes that existence is confusing and it's better that they don't have a heart, that they can't feel a thing. Except when they feel warm and maybe it's pseudo-anger or false happiness but Xion is just content to have something resembling emotion without needing to feel it all the time.
Xion decides to bunch up their hair and hide it under their coat. Only some of it is left on top, and it's not any better than before but at least it's a difference. They go out and someone sees them and says quietly, just to someone else, "who's that guy? He's new around here." No one has ever called Xion a 'he' since Xion can remember. 'He' is the same as 'she' to them; it's not right but what else is there?
"Xion, you're a girl, right?" Roxas asks them, probably curious about some silly question or setting up some silly joke or Kingdom Hearts-knows-what. Xion doesn't even need a second to respond. They've thought about it for hours and hours and still can't decide.
"I don't know, actually," they admit, a little ashamed because they're definitely not like Roxas but they're also not like the girls they see in the town, with makeup on their faces and their hair shiny and soft, with long lashes and swishing skirts.
"What are you, then?" Roxas replies, and Xion definitely isn't comfortable with the look on his face.
"A Nobody," they answer, and Roxas doesn't smile. He just… goes away a little, loses the façade of friendship and emotion, the guise of having a heart, and Xion takes the hint and walks away as fast as they can without looking suspicious. Nobodies don't trust each other, and they don't even have a title. Don't even command the Dusks, really. They're an easy target. An extra member. But where else do they belong? The Organization is all they know, all they can do. Xion breathes there, exists there, is tied there like a ghost haunting the place of their death. It's the center of their non-existence. Now Xion is scared again and checking every shadow, because they're never comfortable and they're never safe and they can never trust anyone. Ever.
Xion wonders if Nobodies bleed like people with hearts do, and digs into their skin just enough to break skin. All they see underneath is oozy blackness, and a quick Cure closes the wound. They don't try it again.
When everything happens and Xion loses their grip on what's left of them and Roxas pierces their chest with a Keyblade, their Keyblade, Sora's Keyblade, Xion can only smile. They still don't understand anything, but at least it's all over now. Roxas is going to live and be and Xion won't ever have to worry again or obsess over how wrong they are. How wrong everything is. They won't even exist. Roxas will be able to forget all about his friend who can't fully trust him and he can bring down the Organization and maybe Axel, too. They smile a little because Axel is their best friend, even though they want him to stop existing, in a way. Hopefully he and Roxas will stay together and eat ice cream together.
"Who else will I eat ice cream with?" Roxas asks as they fade away, and Xion just smiles and smiles. He can eat ice cream with himself, with Axel, with a best friend who can protect him and doesn't fail to summon a Keyblade whenever they get upset, who doesn't drain the life out of him as they get stronger. And then everything is warmth and sleep, even though Roxas is gone and the sun is gone too. They don't know where they are but it doesn't matter. Their eyes close and they forget.
-Break-
This was… Well, Xion is basically a guy's memories of a girl. A failed Replica of a guy with a female identity. So I felt that Xion probably had some identity issues even before they knew what they actually were.