Larsa's Bad Day

Summary: Even emperors have bad days. For Larsa, though, his bad days make other bad days look like good ones. An attempt at humor at poor Larsa's expense.

Ever since Vayne's fall, Archadia and Dalmasca have forged peaceful relations, as had Archadia and Rozzaria. Emperor Larsa Ferrinas Solidor was the current head of state in Archades, which had undergone dramatic change in the year following the War. No more was the Senate, which had once handled most of Archades' most important events. Instead, Larsa had nearly complete power over his country, but he, unlike his brother, was not hell bent on world domination. He was a just, fair ruler.

Today, he was hoping to spend time with a few friends from his past. The people who had helped in Vayne's demise had become something akin to heroes in Dalmasca and parts of Archadia. Lady Ashelia B'Nargin Dalmasca, known better as Queen Ashe or simply Ashe to her friends, had been the one that many people claimed to have led the charge against Vayne. Balthier and Fran, known previously as sky pirates and not as heroes, had their bounty's cleared by Ashe, but the queen refused to pay them for their services. Vaan and Penelo had been granted more compensation than the sky pirate duo, getting enough gil for Vaan to buy his own airship, the Galbana.

The last of Dalmasca's saviors was Captain Basch fon Ronsenburg. However, he was not seen as a hero. He wasn't even believed to be alive. Supposedly, he was executed for slaying King Raminas two years past. He still lived, but now under the guise of Judge Gabranth, his brother who died in the final battle against Vayne. Basch currently served as Larsa's personal bodyguard, a task that Gabranth had been given before him.

Balthier was practicing his marksmanship with Vaan's help. The sky pirate had wanted to use clay birds, but there weren't any available, so, being the clever man he is, Balthier created his own targets. How? He took several serpent eyes that he had gathered over the last few weeks of hunting in Tchita Uplands and placed them inside small cloth pouches. In total, Balthier had crafted around ten of these targets. Vaan was helping by throwing them as far as he could so that Balthier had to shoot them before they hit the ground and splattered.

"Ready, Vaan?" Balthier called to the fledgling sky pirate. The boy gave Balthier a nod, before Balthier took aim. "Pull!"

Vaan lobbed the first of the targets into the air, and the pouch was destroyed by a well placed shot, sending different fluids to the ground a good hundred or so feet away.

Balthier and Vaan continued to do this, even as Larsa and Basch approached the two, from the direction that the sky pirates were shooting.

"Pull!"

Another pouch, the fifth, went airborne, flying with a slight curve from the wind. Balthier missed the shot, instead nicking the pouch. The eyes tore from the now ripped pouch, headed straight for the ground.

"It has been a quieter few months, wouldn't you say?" Larsa asked Basch as the two walked to the rendezvous point. While not hated in Archades, the Savior's of Dalmasca, as they were called at times, did get very mixed reactions from her citizens. As such, most meetings of the group were done outside the city. The last one was in Bhujerba and ended up seeing Vaan nearly fall off the skycity while sightseeing.

"It has, my lord." Basch said, his voice muffled by his armor. The sound echoed inside his helmet, making it sound much louder than it actually was. He had been trying to have a helmet crafted with holes near the ears so sound could escape, and make it easier to hear things. Alas, his smiths were not the most reliable lot.

"Pull!" Was heard in the distance. Larsa and Basch knew it as Balthier's voice, meaning they were close. A gunshot followed, not startling the pair. Balthier liked to keep his skills honed at all times, and enjoyed sport shoots as much as anyone Basch ever saw.

Unfortunately, they were walking right in the path of the falling…snake eyes. And they had no clue about it either.

Vaan saw the pair in the distance and smiled. That smile turned to panic when he saw Larsa right underneath the falling debris. "Look out!" The boy called to the pair.

But it was too late. Larsa looked up at just the wrong time. He took no fewer than three snake eyes to his face, the small organs exploding and covering his face with the green/white vitreous humor. The young emperor froze in utter shock, his face covered in something that was definitely not egg.

Vaan and Balthier had jogged over to the boy. Basch, though you couldn't see it from behind his armor, was aghast. He was about to reprimand the pair before him when the sound of violent retching turned his attention to the source of said retching. Larsa's body seemed to reject whatever it has just ingested, and whatever he had for lunch. This went on from about a minute, during which time Basch knelt beside Larsa, putting his had on the boy's shoulder.

Whne Larsa finished his vomiting, he was helped up by the Judge. Vaan approached as he got to his feet. "Sorry. I tried to warn you guys." Vaan apologized, hoping that Basch wasn't too upset. "Maybe Fran might be able to make something you can keep down." Vaan offered, leading the emperor, his guard, and the sky pirate in the direction of the parked Strahl and Galbana. After getting Larsa there, he'd go find Fran and see if she was willing to make Larsa something to counter the effects of snake eyes.

Penelo, Fran and Ashe were settled near where Vaan and Balthier were, albeit on the other side of the clearing. They were, like Balthier, practicing their marksmanship, but with bows instead of guns. Fran was the group's premier archer, and she had become the (unwilling) teacher of Penelo and Ashe. Ashe had a simple understanding or archery, but Penelo had less experience than either of the two other women. She could hit her target most of the time, but that was only if it was fairly close and not moving.

After an hour of practice, Fran had come to a simple conclusion: She hated teaching. With a burning, undying, deep-seated passion. It wasn't that Penelo was a bad student. She was just a bad archer.

Penelo was allowed one more shot: She was to hit the target Fran had set about a hundred meters out from there location. Penelo had tried 15 times to hit it, but hadn't done so yet. She was usually too short or to far to the left. Ashe had tried to offer a some points of aid, but it was quickly becoming clear that Penelo was more suited for magicks and not a bow and arrow.

Penelo pulled the string taut, took aim where she thought she'd hit the target, and released. The arrow, unlike some of her shots, was straight and true. It sailed perfectly, arching beautifully through the air.

And right towards the four men in the distance…

Penelo didn't even have the chance to call out and warn them. Neither did Ashe or Fran. Prepared for grievous injury, the trio ran straight to the four.

There was good news when the arrow finally made contact. It seemed, that, despite the distance that it traveled, the arrow lost a lot of velocity and could barely pierce cloth, let alone skin.

Then came the bad news. The arrow seemed to home right to Larsa. Specifically, it went straight for Larsa's rear end. And, to make matters worse, the arrow was a Lightning Arrow, so it would send a weak electrical shock to it's victim.

At first, Larsa tensed when the arrow hit him. He stood at full height, tensed to the point that he was almost as rigid as a board. Basch turned to his emperor and froze in fear. The arrow was directly in Larsa's…back door, so to speak. Vaan and Balthier saw the three women bolting for them and assumed that it was just an accident.

And then, Larsa let out a scream that was likely heard in Rozzaria.

The sound was loud enough to cause Vaan and Balthier to cover their ears, which only just helped muffle the sound. Basch wasn't as lucky, and his armor made the sound reverberate throughout his body. Fran fell flat on her face, the sound piercing her ears like a knife. It was likely that the sound caused her to faint. Penelo and Ashe were able to save their hearing for the most part, though they still felt a sharp ringing in their ears from what they did catch of the sound.

At the end of the day, Larsa was fine, but he was unconscious after his ordeal. The real damage, however, was done not to Larsa, but the other men.

Vaan and Balthier were still suffering from a persistent ringing in their ears and were having trouble hearing. Fran was also unable to hear anything at all. Basch, however, got the worse of the trauma. He was directly next to Larsa, and his armor made the sound echo throughout his body. He had still not woken up, and it was likely that he too wouldn't be able to hear anything for several days.

"What the hell were you thinking!" Penelo asked when Vaan was finally able to hear. Balthier couldn't hear anything but random muffled noise, so getting an answer from him nigh impossible.

Vaan pointed his finger at the older sky pirate, who seemed confused. "It was his fault!" Vaan said, sounding like a tattling three year old. "He wanted to practice his shooting and had me throwing snake eyes." Penelo thought for a second. If Vaan wasn't throwing the snake eyes (she was still trying to comprehend that logic), then Larsa wouldn't need to head to the Strahl, which would've meant that Larsa wouldn't have met the business end of a lightning arrow to the rear. The other women likely came to this conclusion as well, because all eyes were on Balthier.

Though the sky pirate didn't know what was being said, he knew that look anywhere. Putting his hands in front of him, he backed away slowly.

"I…can…explain..?"

Okay! I've had this little idea with me for, literally, years! I think I first wrote this back in 2007, when FFXII was still fairly new. I don't usually do crack humor, but this one deserved to be posted. I just hope it didn't utterly tank :/