Disclaimer: I don't own the Raven Cycle. Title from "Papercut" by Linkin Park.
Trigger warnings for panic attacks and a brief mention of child abuse.
Gansey woke up to Ronan kicking the frame of his bed. He rolled over and squinted at the other boy who was nothing more than a blur of color. "What, Ronan? If you're waking me to tell me that you've dreamed up five million baby crows, I swear-"
"Actually," the Ronan-shaped blob said. "I was going to ask if we're skipping out of class today."
"What?" Gansey squinted at him, trying to get Ronan's face to come into focus. It didn't work, and he fumbled across the bed for his glasses. "Why would we be skipping-oh-" He trailed off as he finally got his glasses on and saw the clock. Classes started in twenty minutes; he'd slept through his alarm.
He had also fallen asleep maybe two hours before after hours spent working on the Henrietta model and even more hours of tossing and turning on his bed. He was exhausted and the fragile feeling that had been chasing him for weeks had taken up full-time residence in his chest. Before Aglionby, this would have been the kind of day he would have just called quits on before it even began. At his previous boarding schools, spread out across the world wherever his search took him, he gave himself a day or two a month where he could simply call in sick if he hadn't been able to sleep or felt like he'd have a panic attack if something brushed up against him in the hallway.
It was different now. At those other schools he'd been well-liked but hadn't had any real friends. He had never stuck around in one place long enough to form connections with anyone, so there had been no one to notice whether Gansey went to class or stayed home and curled up in his bed. That couldn't happen now. There were people looking at him now. Ronan already declared his intentions to never attend school again at least once a day. If Gansey skipped out even once he'd lose all the leverage he had to keep Ronan going. It didn't matter that Gansey's deal with Child meant that Ronan could never set foot in Aglionby again and still receive a diploma, Gansey fully intended to make sure Ronan learned something in his senior year, even if it was just so Gansey felt a little less like a horrible person for bribing his headmaster.
And then there was Adam. He and Adam weren't fighting, and Gansey was so incredibly thankful for it, but he also knew that just because they weren't fighting right now didn't mean they wouldn't start again. Things hadn't really changed; Gansey still didn't understand why half the things he'd ever done or said were bad. If-when? -they started fighting again, it would be Gansey's fault. Gansey was trying to forestall the re-opening of hostilities by not doing anything that might make Adam angry, which was really difficult when Gansey didn't understand why half the things he'd done upset Adam.
Regardless of his confusion, he knew that he shouldn't be skipping out of school when Adam Parrish might find out about it. Adam would go to school while burning up with a fever-Gansey had seen it happen multiple times-so he would no doubt object to Gansey skipping out of school when there was nothing technically wrong with him. If a hospital-level fever wasn't a valid excuse to miss school, then practically no sleep and the very real possibility that you were going to freak out and not be able to breathe at some point during the day weren't either.
So long story short, he was definitely going to school today, even if his eyes were scratchy, his head hurt, and he already felt just a little panicky for no reason at all. He missed those days when it hadn't mattered to anyone what he did, when he hadn't been the one who cared for everyone with nothing in return. It was lonely to take care of yourself when no one else did, but at least he hadn't had to feel guilty about doing it.
"Gansey?" Ronan asked. "Have you finally decided to do something that's actually fun?"
"Of course not," Gansey said realizing a second too late what he'd just agreed to. His stomach twisted. That would just be more ammunition for the next time he started worrying that Ronan secretly hated him.
Gansey swung his legs over the side of the bed and got up. "I'll be ready to go in five minutes," he said, gathering up a clean uniform and heading for the kitchen/bathroom.
There would be no time for a shower. The thought unsettled Gansey more than he wanted to admit. He'd showered every morning before school since he was twelve and it felt wrong not to do it now, like he was finally allowing his mask to slip, and that couldn't happen. The flawless mask of Richard Campbell Gansey III was the only thing protecting the fragile, strung-out real Gansey; the seventeen-year-old boy who knew he was going to be dead by the end of April but couldn't tell anyone.
Gansey ran a brush through his dirty hair and tried to calm himself down. So what if he didn't get a shower this morning? It wasn't a big deal. People probably wouldn't even notice; he'd showered yesterday, after all. Plus, he'd read once that it was actually healthier not to wash your hair every day, and some people's hair got so unruly when they washed it that they had to wait until the next day to go anywhere important.
It wasn't something to be upset about, but Gansey couldn't stop worrying about it. He put in his contacts, brushed his teeth and tried to make his hair and uniform look even more perfect than usual before bolting out of the kitchen/bathroom to collect his backpack and Ronan.
They arrived at Aglionby just as the five minute bell was ringing. Gansey hurried across campus with his head down. He felt like everyone was looking at him, like everyone could tell he'd woken up twenty minutes ago and hadn't had time to shower. He knew that was ridiculous-everyone else was on the verge of being late too-but he couldn't shake the feeling. By the time he got to his first period class, his chest was tight, and his hands were shaking.
No, no, no. He told himself. This couldn't happen. He was here so now he had to make it through the day. He had a quiz in Chemistry which was going to require all his focus because he had never been good in science. There was also a debate on who was to blame for the start of WWI in history and he would be expected to participate with the same enthusiasm he had when talking about Glendower and ancient Welsh history even though he'd tried to explain that he didn't like modern history multiple times.
Gansey took a deep, slow breath fighting against the tension in his chest as the teacher came in. All he had to do was get through the day, then he could go back to Monmouth Manufacturing and sleep. Everything would be fine. It had to be.
Everything was fine until fourth period, right before lunch. It was history class, right in the middle of the debate. One of the students on the opposite side had pulled out the old, tired elementary school explanation of blaming the Archduke of Austria for starting the whole war. The other boy obviously hadn't prepared because he'd called the Archduke "that one duke guy who got offed."
Even though Gansey had little interest in who had started WWI, he would not allow that simplistic view to stand. "Actually," he said. "That's not quite accurate." He wanted to go on any explain how the Archduke hadn't actually been as important as he'd been made out to be and that his death had been used mostly as an excuse to start fighting, but suddenly he couldn't remember the man's name either. He'd known it a moment before, he could still feel is poking at the edges of his consciousness, but he couldn't pull it out into the open.
The hard pressure which had been threatening him all day closed in around him and he couldn't breathe. Everyone else who had prepared for class knew what that duke's name was. Gansey looked like an idiot for not knowing, even more so for attempting to rebuff the other boy when he didn't know the information himself. Mr. Morris probably thought Gansey hadn't prepared either, if Gansey looked his direction, the teacher would probably be looking at him with disappointment.
Gansey tried to calm himself down. He'd barely slept last night, and memory problems were a symptom of sleep deprivation; there was nothing to freak out about. He tried to page through his notes to find the name, but his hands were shaking too much. He could barely think.
"Mr. Gansey?" Mr. Morris's voice cut through his rising panic. "Is everything alright?"
"May I be excused?" Gansey gasped, refusing to acknowledge the concern in Mr. Morris's voice. Everyone was staring at him, wondering what was wrong. Any minute now someone was going to realize that he hadn't slept and hadn't showered and was freaking out about forgetting a fact that didn't even matter to him. Any minute someone was going to realize that Gansey was falling apart and that couldn't happen because once someone did then Gansey couldn't pretend he wasn't anymore, and he couldn't fall apart because if he did what would happen to Ronan and AdamandBlueandNoah?
He didn't even really wait for Mr. Morris's response because he didn't think he'd be able to hear it. He simply gathered his books and fled before anything worse could happen.
Gansey was a master of finding places to breakdown where no one would find him. Today's spot was behind the Humanities building, next to a perfectly sculpted bush which hid him from anyone walking by on the path which lead to the Science building.
He sat cross-legged on the grass, hands clenched in his hair, trying to breathe. He wanted to berate himself for panicking over something so stupid, but he knew forgetting that name was just the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. This was always going to happen from the instant he'd decided to come to school today, it had only been a matter of what set it off.
What he berated himself over was that this was happening at all. He was Richard Gansey III, everything in his life had been privileged and he had never wanted for anything. There was absolutely no reason for this to happen to him; nothing really horrible had ever happened to him. His father hadn't been murdered like Ronan's. He wasn't trapped in the place he'd been born by money like Blue was. His parents hadn't beaten him like Adam's father had. He wasn't dead like Noah. Gansey was just snot nosed rich kid who had been stung to death by a couple hundred bees and then came back to life; that was nothing compared to what the others had suffered. So what if he was going to really die in a couple months? At least he knew it was coming so he could get things in order and make sure he didn't leave things on a bad note with anyone; most people didn't get that chance. It was terribly privileged of Gansey to think he deserved more leniency than he'd already received.
He sat on the grass as fourth period came to an end and lunch period began. Slowly, very slowly, he regained his ability to breathe. He didn't move until the bell announcing lunch was ending in five minutes rang. He hadn't eaten at all today, and he probably should have gone to lunch, but he did not want to walk into the commons and face everyone else. Instead he picked himself up and went to a bathroom to fix his hair and clothes before heading for his sixth period class.
He made it through the rest of the day in a sleep deprived, slightly panicky haze. After classes ended, Ronan left with Adam and Gansey went to take care of a couple meetings. When those were done he was halfway to the Pig before he realized that he probably should go apologize to Mr. Morris.
The history teacher was just locking the door to his office when Gansey climbed the stairs to the office floor of the Humanities building. He turned at the sound of Gansey's shoes on the creaky wood floor. "Oh, hello, Mr. Gansey," he said.
"Hello, Mr. Morris," Gansey said. "I just wanted to apologize for the scene I made in fourth period. I didn't mean to disrupt class."
Mr. Morris gave him an odd look like he couldn't believe Gansey came all the way up just to apologize. Gansey felt the same tension he did when he messed up around Adam. Of course, he came to apologize, he wasn't so destroyed by his family's money that he hadn't learned when it was polite to apologize. He'd interrupted the debate and probably made Mr. Morris look like a bad teacher, since Gansey had a reputation for being the best history student in the school.
"Also," Gansey went on, wondering if maybe this was why Mr. Morris was looking at him like this. "I do know that the Archduke of Austria who was assassinated on June 28, 1914 was named Franz Ferdinand. What I was going to tell Kensington was that-"
"Richard," Mr. Morris interrupted, and Gansey froze. Mr. Morris never called him by his first name.
"Yes?" he asked, trying to ignore the way his throat was threatening to close up.
"Why are you apologizing?" Mr. Morris asked sounding genuinely confused.
"I interrupted your class," Gansey said trying desperately to figure out where he'd gone wrong in this conversation. He'd thought he was doing it right. "I shouldn't have said anything if I didn't have anything intelligent to say; that's your number one rule in debates. And then I just walked out of class and didn't come back."
"Richard," Mr. Morris repeated. He sounded so unbearably sad that Gansey sort of wanted to run. He wasn't sure what was going on anymore. "I don't care about the debate. Are you okay? You seemed pretty upset."
Gansey was only getting more tense, not less so. He could have handled continued confusion about what he was doing wrong, but he wasn't sure how long he could stand up to someone outright asking him if he was okay when he knew for certain that he wasn't. "I'm fine," he said.
Mr. Morris didn't look like he believed him. "You know, Richard, I don't care if you forgot Franz Ferdinand's name. We all have brain farts sometimes and you contributed a lot of other important insights to the debate. You'll get full credit for it, if that's what you're worried about."
"But I should have known," Gansey said. "I did know; I just couldn't remember." Okay, maybe he was a little more upset about the actual history debate incident than he'd thought he was. Realizing that only made him want to escape even more.
"Then I don't see what there is to be upset about," Mr. Morris said. His voice was so gentle and soothing it was sickening. Gansey wanted to say that Ronan or Adam deserved this so much more than Gansey did.
"There was no reason," Gansey admitted, hoping that he'd finally be allowed to escape.
"Alright," Mr. Morris said and for a second Gansey thought the conversation was over, but then Mr. Morris said, "Then is there something else bothering you?"
Yes, I'm going to be dead by April 24th. Gansey thought, but he couldn't just say that, no matter how much he wanted to. That was his struggle and he needed to bear it alone. It would help no one if Gansey used his swiftly ending life as an excuse to dump his problems onto others.
"There's nothing else wrong," Gansey said with all the finality he'd learned from the numerous politicians in his family. "I just wanted to apologize for causing a fuss."
Then he turned and fled, ignoring Mr. Morris calling after him.
The Pig started the first time Gansey turned the key, which made him pathetically grateful. He pulled out of the parking lot, refusing to admit that he'd probably have burst into tears if the car hadn't started. The car had started so there was no reason to think about what might have happened if it hadn't.
There was also no reason to think about his conversation with Mr. Morris. He couldn't let himself think about what might have happened if he'd told the teacher the truth. He knew the most people only indulged the more fantastical aspects of his quest for Glendower. Gansey and Mr. Morris had discussed the Welsh King on numerous occasions since Gansey had begun attending Aglionby, and Gansey knew that while the history teacher found the depth of Gansey's knowledge impressive, he didn't really believe Gansey would find Glendower around Henrietta. Mr. Morris definitely wouldn't believe Gansey if he tried to explain about souls on St. Mark's Eve. It was better than he hadn't tried to speak.
In that way, Gansey pointedly did not think about everything that had gone wrong today for the entire drive back to Monmouth. He also didn't think about how not thinking about something required so much mental energy it was basically the same as thinking about the thing. Instead he tried to think about how Ronan and Adam would probably be off doing who knows what until Adam had to work, how Blue would be walking dogs and how Noah was rarely around anymore. Monmouth would be empty for a couple hours until Ronan found his way back. Gansey should not have felt thankful for that, but all he could think about was how he'd have a couple hours to sleep and hopefully put himself back together before he had to interact with people again.
He was so looking forward to his soft bed and sleep that it took him a couple minutes to realize that Adam's Hondayota was parked next to Ronan's BMW in front of Monmouth. His stomach sinking, Gansey parked the Pig next to the other two cars and just sat, gripping the wheel for a few minutes trying to gather himself. They weren't supposed to be here. He was supposed to be able to snatch a couple hours of sleep and feel better. This day wasn't supposed to keep dragging on.
He thought about simply putting the Pig into gear, driving away, finding a shady park and trying to sleep in the Camaro, but they'd no doubt already seen and heard him pull up. If he left now he'd have to explain why he had and he didn't think he could come up with a lie good enough for that. With a heavy sigh, he turned the Camaro off, gathered his bag and headed slowly up the steps into the factory.
As he reached the top of the stairs, he realized there were more voices than just Adam and Ronan's. He pushed the door open to see that Blue was there and so was Noah, corporeal for the first time in at least a week. They all looked up when Gansey came in, big smiles on their faces. "Hi, Gansey!" Noah said with a wave. "We're going to have a movie night! Well, movie afternoon as the case may be, but whatever."
Gansey stared at them, trying to bury his disappointment and pull up one of his masks from somewhere. He needed to act normal, it would be so much simpler to just go along with this than to try to whine about how he was tired.
It took him too long to respond. "Gansey?" Adam asked.
Gansey opened his mouth intending to say something that would diffuse the tension building up in the room, but what came out was, "Why aren't you at work?"
Adam jerked back, eyes widening in surprise. "I don't work until late tonight," he said, eyes darting around like he was trying to find out what was going on. "Is there something wrong with that?"
"No, no, there's not," Gansey said, horribly aware that his tone of voice was too sharp, completely wrong for the words he was saying. He threw his bag onto the bed with more force than strictly necessary. His school things spilled across the bed and all he could think about was how that was another thing he was going to have to deal with. "There's nothing wrong with that," he went on in that horrible, wrong voice. "It's not like you could have told me you had plans, but I guess my life revolves around you people anyway, so what does it matter."
Noah's eyes got huge for one moment before he melted away into nothingness, fleeing the situation. Ronan's face twisted. "Now, what the-" he began but Blue held up a hand to stop him and shockingly he actually listened.
"We didn't mean it like that, Gansey," she said. "But you seem kind of upset. Did something happen today?"
"No!" Gansey shot back. "Nothing happened today! Everything's splendid, thank you very much!"
Blue opened her mouth to respond, but Gansey turned away, talking over her. "I'm going to take a shower," he said, fighting to stay calm. "You all can carry on with whatever you were doing." He snatched up some clothes and stalked into the kitchen/bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
He'd been standing under the warm water for five minutes when he finally began to calm down enough to realize what he'd just done. He hadn't gotten truly angry at one of his friends since his argument with Adam outside the hospital and look how that had turned out.
His chest tightened again. He'd just snapped at all his friends for something that there was no reason to get angry about. They'd all stopped by numerous times without telling him and it had never bothered him. Now he'd made Noah disappear when Noah had been around so infrequently recently, and he'd yelled at Blue and Adam.
He'd yelled at Adam.
Panic overwhelmed him. He'd always known he'd eventually mess up his fragile peace treaty with Adam, but he hadn't thought he would happen this way. He'd thought it would happen during a casual conversation and he'd be left spending the next six months trying to figure out what exactly he'd said that had been so wrong. He hadn't expected that he'd ruin it by forgetting the thin edge he was walking on and simply yelling at Adam. He couldn't believe he'd been so stupid.
He crumpled to the floor of the shower stall, curled into a ball, water pounding down onto his back and neck, and gave into his second panic attack of the day. He'd ruined it. He'd so loved Adam not always being angry at him, and now he'd gone and ruined it. He'd hoped to have more time to enjoy it before it all fell apart again.
He huddled in the shower choking out gasp-sobs until he was the hot water ran out and he was too exhausted to panic anymore. He was so tired he wanted to just lie down on the floor of the shower and sleep. Instead he hauled himself up and got out. He dressed slowly and prepared to face the damage he'd done. He pointedly did not look in the mirror; he did not want to know what he looked like.
Ronan, Blue and Adam were all still there, which Gansey was a little surprised by; he'd expected at least Adam to have marched out in a fit of rage. They were watching what looked like a kid's movie which Blue paused when she heard the kitchen/bathroom door open.
All four of them looked at each other for a couple minutes until Gansey couldn't take it anymore and dropped his gaze. "I'm sorry about before," he said quietly. "I have no excuse."
Actually, there were numerous excuses, but trying to use one would probably only make Adam angrier. Gansey just wanted to do whatever he needed to do to get through the worst of Adam's anger as quickly as possible.
There was another long pause, then someone got up and walked over. Gansey didn't look up and was therefore surprised when a stack of clothes was forced into his arms. "Take your contacts out and put these on," Adam said gently. "You look really tired."
Slowly, almost afraid to see, Gansey lifted his head. Adam was looking at him not with rage or disgust but with open concern. It was as confusing as his conversation with Mr. Morris had been, but this time, Gansey knew better than to try to figure out what was going on. He looked back down at the clothes. There was a pair of his pajama pants and his favorite yellow sweater. He was touched; he didn't realize that his friends stopped mocking his clothes long enough to notice that he even had a favorite sweater, let alone to figure out which one it was.
"Okay," he said, in a near whisper, because he had no idea what was going on and he was too tired to figure out. He went back into the kitchen/bathroom, stripped out of the after-school clothes he'd just put on and changed into the soft, comfortable things that Adam had given him. Then he took out his contacts, which felt amazing because his eyes were irritated from the shower water and crying. He slid his glasses on and headed back out into the main room.
Blue smiled at him from the couch. Adam and Ronan were sitting on the floor in front of her. Bizarrely, she had one foot planted securely on the side of Ronan's face and she was holding him a leg's-length away. Gansey decided he didn't want to know.
"Come sit down, Gansey," Blue said, patting the couch next to her. Gansey wondered if they should be sharing a couch when they still didn't know what Adam would think of them being together, but he was too tired to think of a logical excuse not to. He crossed the room and dropped down next to her.
"I really am sorry for snapping at you," he said. "And for scaring Noah away. I didn't mean any of it."
"Gansey, it's fine," Blue said patting his leg. "You're allowed to be frustrated every now and then; we're not going to hate you forever because of it. And Noah will turn up again; he's not going to vanish into the ether just because you had a bad day."
Gansey wasn't sure how to respond to that, but thankfully he didn't have to because Ronan used that moment to bat Blue's foot away from his face and snatch the remote from her. He pointed it at the TV like it was a weapon. "Alright, now that that's all take care of, let's get back to this movie."
The movie was a good one, but one Gansey had watched a million times as a kid. Slowly he listed to the side until he collapsed against the couch's armrest, mostly on his side. Blue hauled his legs onto the couch, so his feet were pressing against her thigh and then he was really lying down. Gansey's eyes sank closed and someone took his glasses off, so they wouldn't be crushed. Someone else dumped the comforter from his bed onto him and then he was warm and comfortable and safe. He felt himself start to drift off.
Blue rubbed his foot gently. "Go to sleep, Gansey," she said. "We're going to order pizza soon; we'll wake you when it gets here."
Gansey hummed in acknowledgment and finally, finally fell asleep.
Please favorite, follow and review! I might do a part two in the Gangsey's POVs if people like this and I actually feel like writing it.
Emjen