BREAK

Disclamer: I own nothing. I´m a poor Twilight fan who needed a Jasper fix. Stephanie, please don´t sue me. I will give you the characters back as soon as I finish this fanfic.

Title: Break

Author: LeeMinKyo

Pairing: Bella x Jasper (sorry, EdBe fans!)

Rating: PG13 (just trying to be safe, but I think it is PG)

Summary: Sometimes pain is not that bad. You become wary and paranoid, alone and strong. Maybe pain is what makes you find the right path.

NOTE: This fanfic was inspired by the song Break by my fav band Three Days Grace. Their music is like blood to me, it gives me life and it´s a part of me. I can´t live without their songs! (lyrics from the song at the end).

THANKS TO: My lovely beta Rosanna who works hard (even if you say it´s not work at all :P) in every fanfic that I send to her. No matter what pairing I wrote she is always great with me. Thanks for your help. It wouldn´t be possible to me to publish without you, and I will never be grateful enough. Thanks for being my Jasper-drooling partner! All the "darlings" are for you!

x.x.x.x.x

Bella PoV

A long time ago my heart was broken. Well, not that long. Two years have passed since Edward told me that he was leaving me forever, that it would be as if he never existed, and it wasn´t exactly like that, but it didn´t hurt me anymore.

I loved him even if it hurt me, for months and months it was as if my chest was ripped in two pieces that I had to keep together by hugging myself. At least, those were the words that Jacob used to describe it. It wasn´t until he told me this that I realized it was true.

And I was tired of hurting.

In my mind Edward changed little by little. He still was sweet and romantic and practically a fantasy, but not perfect anymore. I was now aware of all the wrong things he did to me. I guess love is truly blind – people always say that – but there wasn´t a blindfold on my eyes anymore.

He was all-too selfish, scared and weak to choose to love me instead of leaving me. And maybe he did the right thing because love wasn´t there anymore, and even if I thought it was impossible, I did forget about him. Of course, sometimes I remembered the past, the good stuff.

But most of the time I hated him.

I did so because it was thanks to him that it became hard for me to trust people. I always had the feeling that they would leave me after some time, so I was distant, maybe even a little cold. I didn´t know, I couldn´t be different. That was me now. I didn´t want people to hurt me.

My life was so different. I moved to Canada to go to college, I became "the weird girl" who wasn´t friendly with anyone, and my life was all about my studies, my work and my beloved alone time. The feeling of being alone was heaven for me. I couldn´t be hurt because no one was with me. Life was easier like that.

In my jobs – because I worked in a bookstore Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays, and in an alternative bar Fridays and Saturdays – I talked with my coworkers, and sometimes we went out for dinner, or movies, or stuff like that. That didn´t mean that we were friends; we never talked about our lives, our problems, … I liked that. No lies, no false pretenses.

Today was Friday, and oddly enough I didn´t have to work. We were closed for renovations and I wanted to take advantage of that to enjoy a night of loneliness. The last weeks were so busy that I needed this. Work, inventory at the bookstore, tests at college, my apt buddy driving me crazy and the weird feeling of being watched. So this night for myself was well deserved.

The good thing about this city was the night life. I wasn´t talking about bars, pubs and discos. I never was a fan of those sites. What I loved were the small coffee shops that were open until late, the familiar diners where a chubby middle-age waitress winked at you and smiled while she gave you more coffee. It was easy to be insomnious and still enjoy your night. Charlie would be scared shitless if he knew about my nocturnal hobbies. Good thing that I was so far away and he wasn´t able to know it.

Normally, I loved to sit down in one of those places and read a book. I know, that it´s not the most social thing to do, but I loved it. There were always the same people. Old couples enjoying a night out, one or two students like me having their anti-social time, and the typical weird people that you can find at night. I guess I was one of those too.

Yeah, that was normal for me, but for some reason I wasn´t in that mood today. I wanted to be alone and all that, but I had this nerve-racking feeling in my belly. I was tired, and depressed, and scared; and at the same time I had all this energy that I needed to use and I was feeling so hyperactive that my body trembled.

I looked around. My room was a mess, but something caught my eye. A black lace top that I bought in a moment of insanity. I never used it, but the time had come. Today I would forget about everything. My past, my present, my future. Tonight I wasn´t Bella Swan from Forks; I was Bella, the girl who needed no one, who loved to be alone, who played with fire because she wasn´t scared of getting burnt.

Sometimes I had this feeling. I wanted to be someone else. Different from what I normally was. No barriers, no pain, no loneliness, no nothing. Good and bad were only words, and I needed to forget them. Their meanings were invented by human beings, but I didn´t want to be one of those.

I closed my eyes one moment and smiled to myself. Yeah, it was time to be crazy and wild; tomorrow the shadows would come back to my life. And I would love them, but the light was necessary every now and then, because only when you see the light can you realize how much you love the darkness and why you do so.

Soon the music was sounding in my room, so loud that I would receive complaints from the neighbors tomorrow, but tomorrow was the future and I didn´t mind what it would bring. My CD of Three Days Grace made me move fast and energetic. Dressing myself for a night of oblivion in black clothes and using too much black eyeliner I danced around my room. Some red lipstick was the last touch I needed for this handmade mask.

I felt a little like Cinderella. The only difference was that I had no fairy godmother and I wasn´t looking for a prince. Not even a frog to kiss. I just wanted to forget the slavery of my heart and become a playful princess.

It only took me thirty minutes to be in the street, walking to one of the bars that one of my coworkers was always talking about. Bloody Hell. A very good name for my mood right now. He always told me that that place was perfect to dance, drink and forget. People minding their own business and famous for how the staff controlled the drunk guys so they didn´t disturb girls.

The red neon lights of the bar colored the entire street. A bouncer controlled the door, but I didn´t have to wait long to enter the locale. It was my first time, but I fell in love with the decoration. Dark walls covered with old bands' posters, black tables and red chairs scattered around the place, a long bar and a small stage where a band was playing a mix of rock and pseudo-punk music.

Most of the people here were gothic, punk or some sort of alternative style. Not exactly my taste in fashion, but I loved to see people dressed like that. And well, normally I was dressed all in black, even if it wasn´t what you could call "normal" clothes. One more of those changes of my life post-Edward. I never was the girly type; it was Alice who always persuaded me to dress in the clothes she chose for me. So now that I was free, I liked my dark, non-girly-style. Thank you very much.

I chose a stool by the bar and I felt a tickling sensation in the back of my neck. There it was once more. The feeling of someone watching me. In the last week I felt it almost every day, more than once, and it was driving me crazy. I looked around, trying to see if someone was looking at me. Maybe someone I knew was here too and I was being paranoid, but there was no one I knew.

Sighing and laughing at my own craziness I signaled the bartender to come closer. I needed alcohol; tonight I would get my ass drunk. I know, a girl who is alone shouldn´t drink. I would be an easy prey for any pervert around, but I didn´t mind it. I was tired of being careful, because that reminded me of a time when a whole family of vampires protected me from the evils of the world.

A Bloody Mary appeared in front of me like magic and I thanked the bartender with a smile. He was truly fast, or I was too lost in my own thoughts. It was funny, my night seemed to be like one of those thematic nights. Bloody hell, Bloody Mary… Blood everywhere. I smiled wickedly at the thought of how my mind was trying to torture me. Oh hell, it never stopped.

You could think that I was still nursing my broken heart, but it wasn´t true. Masochistic, that´s what I really was, and even that thought was related to Edward. He called himself a "sick and masochistic lion" once, but I was the one who loved pain. It made me remember that I was still a person, that I had feelings even if I needed pain to bring them in. Sometimes I felt like one of those Anne Rice vampires, roaming around the world and asking themselves why they were alive.

And I hated how everything was related to Edward, because I didn´t love him anymore, but he was a part of me all the same. He made me what I was now. He changed me into something I couldn´t recognize when I looked at myself in the mirror. When did I become so jaded and bitter? Why had I allowed him to change me like that? He wasn´t that important, and there were times when I had doubts if he ever was.

I looked at the bartender, and my eyes must have told him what my mood was, because he gave me another Bloody Mary. It confused me, because I wasn´t sure if this was a "you look like you need this, so I will give you another drink before you have to ask for it." Or "I will give her a drink and see if I can collect my winnings later." I wanted no one. I wasn´t interested in a one-night stand. No matter how handsome he was.

"I didn´t ask for…" I said, but he interrupted me.

"A blonde man paid for this. I´m just doing what I was told."

"Who?" The bartender looked around, searching for that mysterious man, and I followed his eyes trying to see him myself.

"Sorry, I can´t see him now. He was one of those model-like guys. You know? Not that I know crap about men, but he was good-looking."

I sighed and looked at my drink. Damn, this place was supposed to be perv-free, but I supposed that it was impossible. Any place that had girls and alcohol is hunting ground. I drank my new Bloody Mary without giving it too much thought. So a stranger was paying for me? What's the big deal? I would call a taxi later, and there wouldn´t be any troubles. No one told that mysterious man that he could buy me with a cheap drink.

I wasn´t exactly a heavy drinker, so the effect of my second drink burned my stomach quickly. I loved that mood between tipsy and drunk. My skin tickled, my blood was hot and my belly felt funny. Not the bad way, but the butterflies-flying one. It felt great. My mind was less and less loud, and my heart wanted to forget about the world and dance the dance of the forgotten. When no one is waiting for you and no one minds if you spend your night being someone else because no one knows anymore who the hell you are. Not even yourself.

I didn´t like the style of the music, nor the lyrics, nor dancing. But, was that important? Not tonight. And if the feeling of being watched was now full force it didn´t matter either. Whoever it was could keep looking at me, because that would be all he would get from me.

My body was like a wave, undulating all the time, feeling the music going through it. It never stopped, always starting a movement when the previous one was coming to an end. My hips drew circles in the air around me, my arms were over my head trying to reach something that never existed, and my back curved making my small round breasts press against the lace top. It had been a long time since I felt this good, this sensual, this hot.

The dance wasn´t something I was doing to catch the interest of the men. It was only for myself. Desire, lust, sensuality. They all were parts of me. I needed to remember that. It didn´t matter if I didn´t believe in love, or in one-night stands with random men. Sex is not always about the other person, sometimes it is about you. About how soft and warm your skin feels against your own fingertips, about how your blood feels like a drum playing a lusty rhythm, about how the sweat falls like a playful caress from your forehead to the valley between your breasts.

There was no shame in the fact that I was excited even if no one was making me feel that. There would have been a time when I would be red like a ripe apple. Not anymore. I wasn´t ashamed of being a sexual person, because we all are, no matter how much we try to hide it. And why the hell was I supposed to hide it anyway? I hated Edward for that too. For making me always so self-conscious, as if it was wrong for me to desire someone.

Shaking my head to forget about him I kept dancing. Caressing my own body while moving as if there was no tomorrow. The world around me became a blur and the music was the only thing keeping me in contact with the real world.

I was so truly lost in my own world that the feeling of cold hands on my hips startled me. I could recognize that odd coldness anywhere. Vampire, my mind whispered. I tried to turn around to see who was touching me, who was slowly pressing his body against mine, but those strong hands stopped me.

"Don´t be afraid." A honey southern voice caressed my ear with a touch of cold breath.

I knew that voice, but never before did it sound so hot and tempting. Jasper Hale. He was there, acting like my personal lusty demon. Then I realized that maybe my sudden excitation wasn´t at all mine. It never happened before, and it was weird that I acted so freely. Jasper and his power, his control over human feelings. I wanted to get angry. Angry because I was tired of being used by the Cullens, angry because I didn´t want to play games with him and then be left alone when he got bored of this. But then I realized too that I loved to feel so free, so confident, so desired. If they were his feelings or mine it didn´t matter anymore. I wanted to get lost in his power.

"I am not afraid." I purred and my words sounded like truth.

I felt his smile against the skin of my cheek and his fingers moved my hair away to expose my neck to his eyes. My body trembled with a new desire that this time I was sure was mine. Completely mine.

Jasper always was this force of nature. Dangerous, wild and totally tempting. It was hard to hide my shame when I was around him, but I could only hope that he thought there were other reasons for my feelings. Who would have imagined that I had a crush on him? Back then I loved Edward, at least I thought so. Jasper just was the things I wanted Edward to be. He was like the typical "bad guy" that all the girls like even if they date the sweet one. You look at him, desire him and have wet dreams about him, but you would never admit it. Not even to yourself.

For some minutes we were silent. Every time my body stopped dancing, Jasper made his hold stronger and if I liked the light pain I would never admit it. I would only say that I kept dancing and letting my body brush his.

This was weird, so so weird that I wouldn´t try to find an explanation. The last time I saw Jasper he was trying to attack me, trying to drink my blood. That was two years ago. Now, he appeared from nowhere and seemed to lust after me.

"Confused?" he asked while using the tip of his nose to draw a line from the base of my neck to my jaw. "Don´t be, darling. This was always supposed to happen. You have been tempting me for too long. No sane man could be able to resist it. And I never claimed to be sane."

Goosebumps gracing my skin, that was the effect of his thick scorching voice. Well, that and the instant melting of all my insides. I could feel the wetness between my legs, and his playful low laugh told me that he could smell it too.

"Tempting… you?" I asked, more to try to distract myself from my own lust than to understand the meaning of his words.

"Yeah. I couldn´t read your mind, darling. But I could feel your feelings and smell that sweet lust of yours. You were like thick honey wanting to be tasted. Everyone thought it was because Edward never touched you, but I knew better. You love danger, darling. And danger loves you back."

One of his hands left my hips to move under my shirt. His fingertips drew random patterns over the skin of my belly, and with every touch I got dizzier. I wasn´t sure if I was drunk, tired of all the dancing, or simply in heat. The only thing I knew was that he was the worst of the devils, and sin never looked so good.

"But…"

"No buts. I realized not long after we moved out of Forks why life seemed so boring, so dull. I loved Alice, but no longer like a woman. They all were a family, and family can´t be together forever. Not when two of them love the same woman. Bella…" he breathed out my name and I shivered, "… you always smelt like mine. There´s no other word to explain it. It never was about your blood, as tempting as it is; it was about the possessive feeling in me wanting to claim you as mine. Do you understand, honey?"

I nodded, because even if it was weird I could understand what he meant. In that moment everything made sense. Why even if I was with Edward I never was totally happy. Why even if Edward was supposed to be perfect I kept looking at Jasper and dreaming with him. Why it never did matter how scary and cold Jasper was, even if he attacked me, I always felt attracted to him. Why I was so hurt when they all left but mostly hated Edward for being weak, because the truth was that I hated him for taking his family away from me. For taking Jasper away from me.

It never was a crush on the bad guy. It was love, but I was too scared of admitting it. Loving danger was never my style because it scared me. But just like Jasper said, I loved danger, and luckily he loved me back.

And this time when I tried to turn around he let me do it, and the soft calm smile in his face was something that I never saw before. His eyes were dark charcoal sparkling with a mix of lust and love that dazzled me. Jasper looked somewhat younger and freer. Not haunted anymore.

"It never was about him. It always was about you." I said and it scared me how everything I always believed was a lie, but the feeling of learning the hidden truth was so amazing that fear changed into happiness quickly.

"Neither of us was prepared to admit the truth, darling." I shivered once more at the endearment and he smiled. "You seem to like that… darling." He repeated it to see my reaction and he wasn´t disappointed because my body trembled between his arms.

"This is so weird. I never thought…"

"Weird?"

"Good weird." I answered and the corners of his lips curved even more. This wasn´t the Jasper of my memories, but I wouldn´t deny that I liked this version better. He was mostly the same serious, calm and leonine Jasper but the smiles gave him a softer edge that fascinated me.

"I´m selfish." He said out of the blue and I didn´t understand it. He seemed to realize it because he tried to explain himself better, not without putting my hair behind my ear to be able to see my eyes better. "I don´t want to lose you. I´m not him, Bella. I´m not Edward, and I can´t accept death like an available option."

"I will never compare you to him, Jasper. He was important to me once, but I´m not even sure if that was love. And… I don´t understand."

"Let´s go somewhere where we can talk."

Without giving me the option to reply he took a hold of my hand, entwining our fingers, and walked to the exit. My head was spinning around with all the things that happened in the last hours. My thoughts, my confusion, and this new truth. I was happy, but all the same nervous and confused. Everything was like a dream and his cold hand the only anchor to the real world.

Before I was aware of where we were going or what was happening I was pushed against a wall of a dark alley. Not exactly a romantic place, but lonely all the same. Jasper moved close to me, a hand under my chin to make me look at his still black eyes. Any other time that darkness would have scared me, but knowing it was lust and not thirst made me want to moan.

"I´m not a rational man, Bella. I´m not noble and I don´t share. I can´t accept less than everything, and I want everything of you. Do you really love me? Don´t be scared of telling me the truth. Look inside of you, look for that feeling and answer my question."

"I thought you knew."

"I can feel your desire, your interest. I can even smell your lust, but I can´t be sure about love. You need to tell me." It was hard to think when his face was buried in my hair and his breath tickled my earlobe with every sweet word pronounced in that southern accent of his.

"I…" I thought about it, fighting against the distraction. This was important, for me and for him. I closed my eyes and sighed, trying to understand my feelings.

I always was thinking about Edward, and sometimes it confused me. Did I still love him? The answer wasn´t that hard. No, I did not love him anymore. At least not man-woman love. He always was sweet with me, and he was an important part of my life. He made me what I was now, but that wasn´t love. Maybe, if things were different we could have been friends.

And Jasper… Well Jasper was always something different. The fact that I never gave it too much thought didn´t mean that I was able to lie to myself all the time. Sometimes I realized – even if it ashamed me and made me feel guilty – that I was attracted to Jasper, that I would love to feel his hands on me, his lips on mine, his body in mine. But it wasn´t only lust. I loved to see him smile, even if it was a rare sight. I loved how protected I felt when he was around, even if all the Cullens thought it was quite the contrary. I dreamt about stupid little things like reading a book sitting in his lap while he played with my hair. And if those dreams made me feel as happy as guilty it must mean something.

Thinking about it now, I realized that I only had sad dreams or nightmares with Edward. Jasper was the only one who always made me wake up with a smile and new energies. And those days I would keep looking at him out of the corner of my eye, as if trying to see if my fantasies came true.

How didn´t I realize it sooner? It was so evident that it scared me to think that maybe everyone knew about it too.

"I love you."

The last word resounded inside Jasper´s mouth because his lips were on me as fast as only a vampire could move. This wasn´t the kiss I would have expected. It wasn´t innocent-sweet or careful. I could feel his teeth caressing my lips softly, his tongue playing with the tender skin of my gums and his lips chilling me. Never in all my life did I feel something like this. I saw it in the movies, that moment when the main characters kiss and the background becomes a blur and the camera spins around the couple and the music is louder than before but neither of them seems to mind. That was exactly what I was feeling now, and I was sorry for all the times that I made fun of those romance movies because they were right and I was wrong.

Our kiss was so long that I nearly passed out. His taste was addictive, but the slightly bitter taste in his mouth made us both realize that it was hard for him to control the venom anymore. My breath sounded too loud in the silent alley, but his lazy kisses on my neck made me feel too happy to mind.

"If we do this, darling, I can give you some time, but I will want you with me forever. I´m not strong enough to live without you, or to control myself for a long time. Your blood still tempts me, and even if my love is stronger than temptation, I want you to be with me forever. Can you accept that? Do you want to be what I am?"

The lines between his eyebrows showed how worried he was about this question. The past was marked by this decision, even if it wasn´t Jasper who played the other part in the discussion. This was important; once I said yes I couldn´t take it back. But, would be there a day when I would regret this? I didn´t think so.

It´s funny how people are always looking for love. We human beings think that we can treat love as if it was an animal, hunting it down. But then love proves us wrong because it is when you don´t expect it that it appears in front of you, and normally it is so amazing and powerful that you can taste it in your tongue.

That was what was happening with Jasper now. I wasn´t looking for love. I didn´t want it either. But Jasper appeared here, using his southern voice to make me realize that love can be found in that person who you were so scared to love.

"I love you. Forever. It doesn´t matter how long that is. I want to be with you. Immortality is exactly what I need to believe this is real."

"I love you, honey. I will show you how much soon. I have been waiting all my life for you, I just didn´t realize it until I saw you three years ago. Welcome be the hell when I die, because you´re all the sins made one." He purred in my ear with a voice I never heard before.

Maybe this was too fast, and maybe we should slow down, but maybe that was the wrong thing to do because I was never so sure of something as I was of this. His arms around me, his hands on the small of my back, his lips teasing the skin of my collarbone and his coldness surrounding me like a blanket. Everything felt right, amazingly comforting.

Sometimes you need to forget. Break away from everything and everyone but him, because his eyes became your whole universe and his body the sun which you spin around.

Nothing else matters anymore.

THE END? (Should I write a second chapter?)

LEAVE A COMMENT OR ALL THE SEXY VAMPIRES WILL BURN IN HELL!

X.X.X.X.X.X

"Break"

Tonight, my head is spinning
I need something to pick me up
I've tried but nothing is working
I won't stop
I won't say I've had enough
Tonight, I start the fire
Tonight, I break away

[Chorus:]
Break away from everybody
Break away from everything
If you can't stand the way
This place is
Take yourself to higher places

(ohhh, ohhh)

At night I feel like a vampire
It's not right
I just can't give it up
I'll try to get myself higher
Let's go
We're going to light it up
Tonight we start the fire
Tonight we break away

[Chorus:]
Break away from everybody
Break away from everything
If you can't stand the way
This place is
Take yourself to higher places

If you can't stand the way this place is
Take (take) yourself (yourself)
To higher places

[Chorus:]
Break away from everybody
Break away from everything
If you can't stand the way
This place is
Take yourself to higher places

(ohh…higher places)
(ohh…to higher places)
(ohh…higher places)
Take yourself to higher places