Here it is another Kogan story , hope you like it :)
Kendall's POV
Why? Why does this happen to me? A while ago he hugged me and the only thing I could do was stand there without doing anything for a while and then I gently pushed him away, it was so nice to feel his body near mine and that is so so wrong. I don't understand why this is happening to me, why I can't control what happens to me when I see him, when he touches me or when he is near me. Why? Why? I don't get it, I wish I could understand it, I have always had control of everything that has happened in my life, but then, he came, all those years ago to change my life forever, why is this happening to me? He is my friend and for sure he can't be my lover, he is a man, not a girl, I'm a man and I'm supposed to be in love with a girl not a man.
I had heard that love was painful, but I just heard it in movies. I thought that it was not true; I even believed that love didn't exist or at least that it was something that would never happen to me, let alone to suffer for love, I believed all this till I fell in love with him. It all began a long time ago, at first I didn't understand what was happening, but then I started to accept my feeling and I thought that it was a fleeting love, well, to be honest at first it wasn't even love, it was just a crush, just a guy that I liked, but time passed and what I fell for him grew and grew till it was real love. I know I'm still young, I'm only 18 years old but I can say that I really love him, being near him is so different I can't even explain it, talking with him and seeing him makes me feel things I never thought I could feel and less for a man.
Knowing that what I feel is a one-sided love makes me want to cry and I don't cry, I have never felt real want to cry in my life, I have always consider myself an strong person, but here I'm, sitting in the grass and watching the water that is in the lake I have in front of me, with my hands on my face and doing everything I can not to cry. Knowing that the one I love will never return my feeling is a horrible feeling to feel.
All this is killing me; sometimes I just can't stand it, why did I have to fall in love with him? Why? It's so unfair.
I feel that I fail myself; I can't understand why he makes me feel this way.
No one knows what I feel for him and none will ever know it, this love that I feel toward him is my biggest secret and I will never let anyone know it, I will never show it. And besides, letting someone know that I like him won't change that fact that Logan is not gay, let alone in love with me. So, this secret will die with me.
Today when he hugged me I really wanted to hugged him back and stay like that for the rest of my life, but the only thing I was able to do was stand there without moving, gently push him away and then without saying one world I came here, far away from him, far away from those feelings, far away from the heat that went through my body when he hugged me.
I wish I could change what I'm feeling; I feel so weak right now, so pathetic and so stupid.
My heart and my chest hurt so much and I can't fight this feeling anymore, I can't stand it, I just want to scream and take this out of me.
Where is all the courage and strength that I always have? I can't find that right now, I'm not felling like myself. Who would've thought that I would be crying over another man, crying over Logan? No one, not even myself, But I'm a human and I have feelings that I wish I didn't have.
If only I could be able to suppress what I feel for him, that is all I really want, I don't want to suffer anymore; I don't want to feel like an stupid every time he looks at me just because I can't help but smile or every time he smiles and my heart starts pounding. I want to stop feeling like an idiot every time he is near me and I feel in my stomach that feeling that is so strange but that feels so good at the same time. I just want to vanish this feeling.