She remembered it as if it was only yesterday: meeting the fiery redhead for the first time. Her first impression wasn't a very flattering one. She was out drinking with Amélie, her best friend (it was one of those rare occasions where Amélie's constant nagging to go outside and just do something actually made her leave the house), when all of a sudden a complete stranger sat on an unoccupied chair right at their table.
„I hope I'm not intruding, but this pub is sorely lacking in seating accommodation, and my feet are killing me. I don't understand why I still keep wearing those damned heels. Oh, my name's Anna, by the way, pleased to meet you."
She put a sheepish grin on her face, and Amélie immediately hit it off with the intruder, both being quite the extroverts. Elsa, on the other hand, felt immensely uncomfortable, shifting and squirming in her chair, constantly ordering new drinks from the waiter in the hope of drowning her social awkwardness. She never even noticed the many quick glances Anna shot her during her vivid conversation with Amélie. The rest of the evening was quite a blur, caused by unprecedented levels of alcohol in her bloodstream, and to this day she had no clear recollection of how she got home that night.
"Mrs. Leland, are you listening to me?"
Hearing her name knocked her out of her daydreaming and forced her consciousness into reality. She sat in front of a polished wooden desk, a huge piece of furniture laden with all sorts of anatomically correct models of various organs, some mementos and a computer screen. The man talking to her was sitting behind the desk, a balding 50-something year old with a welcoming smile and a sympathetic gleam in his eyes.
"Uh, yes, yes...no, actually, I kinda lost myself in my thoughts, could you please repeat that?"
She shot and apologetic glance in his direction and made the tiniest smile, barely raising the corners of her mouth. Anna was the only person that ever got to see her warm and bright smile, the one that stood for true affection and caring.
"No problem, Mrs. Leland. As I said, we got the results and unfortunately I have some very bad news for you." The conversation lasted for the better part of an hour, Elsa appearing oddly calm in the face of the devastating news she had just received.
When she left the doctor's office, a bunch of pamphlets and brochures in her purse, she felt oddly empty. She got into her car and started the engine, put her favorite CD by Godspeed You! Black Emperor in the player and started her journey home. For the whole drive she wondered at the strange absence of any feelings at all, and only when she pulled into her driveway did she feel a slight tingling in her stomach.
She entered their apartment, wondering if Anna was home, but wasn't surprised when she found the rooms empty. It was only 3 PM after all, and Anna had no reason to leave work early. She laid down on the sofa, contemplating what to do next. After about ten minutes, she got up again, perusing the bedroom for the scented candles Anna liked so much.
When Anna got out of her car she noted Elsa's vehicle in the driveway, but the windows facing the street were suspiciously dark. That wasn't like Elsa, she usually liked to have the whole apartment bright as day, which had earned her many reprimands by Anna, usually when the utility bill arrived.
She quickly ascended the flights of stairs to the second floor and opened the door to their apartment, only to be greeted by the overwhelming scent of lavender and a hint of vanilla. She hung her coat on the rack and kicked off her shoes. "Elsa, I'm home. Sorry that I'm late, but traffic was even worse than usual. Ventura Freeway was a nightmare, as always, but you'd kinda expect people to prepare for stormy weather in mid-December, right?"
No answer. The constant, nagging doubt, for the most part of the day at the back of her mind, forced its way back into her awareness.
"Elsa? Are you here? Is everything alright?"
A sudden pang of fear got hold of her, its icy tendrils slowly crawling down her spine. She was about to call a third time when she heard the distinct sound of clothes shuffling around.
"Living room." came a quiet call. Anna put down her bag and made her way to the room in question. She found Elsa sitting on the floor, back propped against the couch and her knees slightly tucked up, her platinum-blonde hair falling open around her shoulders, forming a curtain around her face.. Dozens of candles surrounded her, most of them already half burnt-down, and she held something in her lap. She didn't react to Anna entering the room.
Anna took a few careful steps towards her wife, almost as if she were afraid of shying away a wild doe. "Elsa?" she asked, but she got no answer. Anna recognized the object Elsa was cradling in her lap: a photo album, the first they ever filled up. Foreboding engulfed her, she dreaded the answer to her next question. Trying to sound as casual as humanly possible, she asked: "How was your appointment?"
After a few moments, Elsa finally turned her head to look at Anna, and what she saw utterly destroyed her. Elsa's eyes were red and swollen, her mascara covering her cheeks in thick streaks. Anna felt her heart shattering in her chest, tears welling up in her eyes. 'No, you can't,' she told herself, 'you have to be strong for her.' She took a few deep breaths and somehow fought the tears down, for now at least.
"Would you mind if I sit next to you?"
Elsa shook her head ever so slightly. Anna slowly eased herself down next to her, her back against the couch, and gingerly put her left arm around Elsa's slumping shoulders. Slowly, at an almost almost sluggish pace, Elsa lowered her head towards Anna, eventually resting it in the crook of her neck. Anna put her right Hand on Elsa's head, gently stroking her soft blonde hair, murmuring soft and soothing words into her ears. She tried to ignore the bushels of hair remaining in her hand after each stroke.
After a sheer infinite amount of time, Elsa turned her head, looking at Anna's profile. Slowly, she started talking, her voice thick and hoarse: "Anna...I'm sorry..."
Anna's voice was no more than a whisper: "Don't...don't ever apologize." Tears welled up in her eyes, and this time she couldn't fight them back. Only after a long time did her tears dry up, if only because she didn't have a single one left.
Anna didn't know how long they sat there, leaning against the couch, but when some of the candles started to flicker out, she spoke again.
"How...h-how bad is it?"
Elsa didn't say anything for a while, and Anna was about to repeat her question when Elsa answered.
"It has spread to my lungs and kidneys. Chemo isn't very effective, and removing any more organs would do nothing at best at this point...looks like I can't smart-talk my way out of this one, huh."
Anna winced at the casual, almost...playful tone of her last words.
"How long...?"
This time, Elsa answered almost immediately: "Dr. Horton says somewhere between three to six months, less if I discontinue the chemo."
Anna suddenly got mad. With a yank she disentangled herself from Elsa, and started yelling: "How can you be so fucking calm about all this?! It's like you've already accepted it, and now you're just lying down and waiting for the end! I won't let you leave me without a fight. You're going to change your attitude and fucking kick cancer's assh..." She was silenced by Elsa's finger on her lips.
Elsa looked her deep in the eyes, saying: "Yes, I have accepted it. I've come to terms with it, because there is no scenario with a happy ending." Anna tried to launch into another tirade, but Elsa simply shushed her and continued talking. "There won't be a happy ending, but I'll be damned if it's gonna be a sad ending. I'll savor every single day I have left, I'll enjoy every moment I'm granted on this disgusting, wonderful planet, and you can bet your perfect ass that I'm gonna do it with you, whether you like it or not!"
Anna stared at Elsa, completely dumbstruck. For only the third time in her entire 31 years, she was speechless.
The next morning, Anna was woken rather unceremoniously by a big crash and a litany of curses originating in the kitchen. It took her a few seconds to get her bearings, before she realized that it was in fact Elsa who was cussing to her hearts content. The crinkling sound of broken glass being swept off the floor made her grin, Elsa had always been a klutz.
Or had she? Like with so many small details, Anna had more and more trouble remembering if they were already present before the cancer diagnosis four years ago. It had been a shock for both of them, but they pulled through, Anna with her unbreakable optimism, always seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and Elsa, stoic composure, unfazed in the face of her own fate.
Initially they thought they were lucky, since it had been discovered quite early, and after just one run of chemo and having part of her stomach removed, Elsa made a full recovery. She had been cancer-free for almost three years, had even started working again at the lab; but about two months ago, the cancer had made a vicious relapse. Even the immediate removal of the rest of Elsa's stomach, and a full run of aggressive chemotherapy could not stop the cancer from metastasizing.
Thinking about it made Anna sad, profusely sad and angry at the same time. It just wasn't fair. Elsa was the most loving and caring person she'd ever met. Even though she was incredibly shy and introverted, she was deeply concerned for the well-being of every living creature, and unceasingly curious. She had never lost the childish fascination and excitement about learning something new. It was no wonder she was working with the brightest minds of the country on something spectacular, something that Anna not even pretended to understand. Her job as High School English and History teacher was incredibly dull and mundane by comparison.
Her musings were interrupted when Elsa came through the door, carrying a tray with breakfast for her sweetheart. "Looks like sleepyhead decided to rouse for the day", she said with a mischievous grin. Anna couldn't help but smile at the gesture, and felt incredibly bad about the last evening. Elsa set the tray down at the foot of the bed, and sat down, face serious.
"Listen, Anna," she started, "about yesterday...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been so detached and...careless. I know that I could've phrased a few things a little different, and
I'm sorry that I hurt you. I meant everything I said, though."
Anna had to suppress a giggle. When Elsa looked at her with a questioning look, Anna couldn't hold it to herself any longer. "This is ridiculous. Just, just look at us, are we in a sitcom? You're the one that's dying and you comfort me? It should be me, bringing you breakfast to the bed and apologizing, because I've acted like a fucking idiot yesterday. You will stop apologizing right now, Elsa, I don't want to hear a single sorry from you anymore, ever!"
Elsa only looked at her with a raised eyebrow. It was the first time Anna had actually used the word 'dying' in regard to her condition, though she seemed blissfully unaware of it. She decided to leave it at that, and have a little chuckle instead.
"You should eat. I've made you pancakes, and we don't want them getting cold now."
Anna shot a glance at the tray at her feet. "Have you eaten your breakfast?" Elsa couldn't help but grin. "Yes mum, as ordered mum, I've been good and eaten all my veggies today.", ending her sentence with a mock salute. Anna looked at her incredulously, and Elsa burst into laughter at the look of her wife's face.
Anna decided that she had had enough of Elsa's antics and just grabbed her and pulled her into a tight hug. She was frightened at how thin Elsa was, and at how much hair she had already lost. In some places the skin started to shimmer through her once thick blonde mane. Nevertheless, she enjoyed the embrace, glad that despite all, Elsa was still able to laugh and smile.
"Elsa?"
"Yes?"
"What did you actually break in the kitchen?"
"The stupid mixer, again. Someone put it right on the edge of the counter, again."
"That someone is you, sillyface, I don't touch that thing."
*sigh* "I know, I know"
soooooooooooo, first chapter of my first fanfic, ever. scary, right? and no, not something funny or sweet, death and misery right from the beginning. (some people do actually like me, believe it or not.)
well, you better not expect a happy ending out of this story. many happy moments maybe, but also a lot of sad ones, and a few gutwrenching ones, too
anyway, feedback/reviews greatly appreciated, but please go easy on me, as this is my first fic
thanks guys!