Disclaimer: I do not own the show, the characters, or any of the songs shown in this fic. They all belong to their respective owners.
This is an AU taking place when the original group is still in high school. Just another version of bullying going too far and causing more harm than anyone realizes.
If you want to listen to the songs that are used here is a link to my YouTube playlist that I created for this purpose. Obviously remove the spaces in order for the link to work.
www. Youtube watch?v=vLl1NDwMJps&list=PLBD82C6BD9A93B083
For the final song The spoken part is removed sand the stuff inside of () are photos that are being shown.
One last note. Rachel may not be able to sing all of the songs exactly as they sound, but I like the originals so these are the versions that are in the playlist.
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Mr. Schue decided to give his kids a long assignment. Rather than preparing one song to perform, he wanted seven or eight. The idea was to pick a song that described how they were feeling each day and sing them in a mini concert at the end of a week. All but one person in the group had sung already. It was evident that no one really put effort into their choices. Sitting quietly away from the group was the one person who had yet to go. She was hoping Mr. Schue would forget about her. Unfortunately he did not.
"Alright Rachel you're the last one. Get on up on the stage." Rachel quietly got up and made her way to the stage. Everyone rolled their eyes preparing themselves for a bunch of Broadway songs. Rachel was all about Broadway. They were all stunned as the first line and notes of the song reached their ears.
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever want to run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over?
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like
To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
Well, you don't know what it's like
(What it's like)
To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Rachel poured her heart and soul into the lyrics. The pain she was feeling could clearly be read on her face. She did not give the group time to process it as she moved straight into the next song.
Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.
For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out
What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?
(I'm not okay)
I've told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means
(I'm not okay)
To be a joke and look, another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out
Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed
I'm okay
I'm okay!
I'm okay, now
(I'm okay, now)
But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay!
(Trust Me)
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
(Okay)
Once again the group was stunned. Especially as Rachel stared them all down as she sang the parts about photo graphs. They knew at least a few of them were guilty of invading Rachel's privacy taking pictures while she was in the locker room and circulated them.
I tried to kill the pain
but only brought more
so much more
I lay dying
and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming
am I too lost to be saved
am I too lost?
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
do you remember me
lost for so long
will you be on the other side
or will you forget me
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming
am I too lost to be saved
am I too lost?
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
I want to die!
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my wounds cry for the grave
my soul cries for deliverance
will I be denied Christ
tourniquet
my suicide
Rachel let her sleeves slide up just a little during the song to make her teammates wonder. Was Rachel cutting? Did she truly have no desire to live anymore? Was she truly ready to end it all? They didn't dwell on this long as the next song made their eyes open wide. The anger that radiated off of Rachel was astounding.
I don't need your forgiveness
I don't need your hate
I don't need your acceptance
So what should I do
I don't need your resistance
I don't need your prayers
I don't need your religion
I don't need a thing from you
I don't do what I've been told
Your so lame why don't you
Just go
Die mother fucker die mother fucker die
I don't need your prison
I don't need your pain
I don't need your decision
So what should I do
I don't need your approval
I don't need your hope
I don't need your lectures
I don't need a thing from you
I'll be sorry when I'm old
You're so full of shit man
Just go
Die mother fucker die mother fucker die
Boom
I don't need your forgiveness
I don't need your hate
I don't need your acceptance
So what should I do
I'll be sorry so you've said
I'm not sorry
Bang You're Dead
Die mother fucker die mother fucker die
Die
No one realized just how much resentment Rachel held towards them. They did not realize that she was apparently wishing they were dead as well. The next song just continued on that theme.
I'm so fed up with everyone around me
No one seems to care
I'm just so far gone and nothing's gonna change
I'll never be the same
It's always do this, do that, everything they want to
I don't wanna live that way
Every chance they get they're always pushing me away
It's never enough, no it's never enough
No matter what I say
It's never enough, no it's never enough
I'll never be what you want me to be
It's all so messed up and no one ever listens
Everyone's deranged
I'm just so fucked up and I'm never gonna change
I wanna lay it all to waste
They're always say this, say that, nothing that you want to
I don't wanna live that way
Every chance they get they're always shoving me aside
It's never enough, no it's never enough
No matter what I say
It's never enough, no it's never enough
I'll never be what you want me to be
I'M DONE!
In the end we're all just chalk lines on the concrete
Drawn only to be washed away
For the time that I've been given
I am what I am
I'd rather hate you for everything you are
Than ever love you for something you are not
I'd rather you hate me for everything I am
Than have you love me for something that I can't
It's never enough, it's never enough
No matter what I say
It's never enough, no it's never enough
No matter who I try to be
It's never enough, no it's never enough
No matter how I try to taste
It's never enough, never never enough
I'll never be what you want me to be
Rachel was telling them a message and they were focused on it. They never realized just how much Rachel felt like she was a fly on the wall. They now realize that she no longer cares. It no longer matters to her that they never listen to her.
Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation, no, no breathing
Don't give a fuck
If I cut my arm bleeding
This is my last resort
Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck
If I cut my arm bleeding
Do you even care if I die bleeding?
Would it be wrong or
Would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation out of sight
And I'm contemplating suicide
'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
I never realized, I was spread too thin
Till it was too late and I was empty within
Hungry feeding on chaos and living in sin
Downward spiral, where do I begin
It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself and no love for another
Searching to find a love upon a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils
'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I'm crying, I'm crying, I'm crying I'm crying
I can't go on living this way
Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck
If I cut my arm bleeding
Would it be wrong
Would it be right?
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation out of sight
And I'm contemplating suicide
'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I can't go on living this way
Can't go on, living this way
Nothing's all right
Rachel had returned to the theme of suicide. Clearly her next song was continuing the same route.
Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight
Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around me
I cared for and loved
It's building up inside of me
A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free
Don't mourn for me,
You're not the one to place the blame
As bottles call my name I won't see you tonight
Sorrow sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around me
I cared for and most of all I loved
But I can't see myself that way
Please don't forget me or cry while I'm away
Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
But I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight
So far away, I'm gone.
Please don't follow me tonight
And while I'm gone everything will be alright
No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight
No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight
Rachel started to walk around as the band played the closing of the song. Soon Rachel had a stool set up on stage and the projector screen pulled down. She sat on the stool and pulled an acoustic guitar into her hand. As her final song started the projector screen came to life.
Time has run out, for me. (A timer that was counting down appearing to have less than an hour left)
Everything's distant and I don't know what to believe.
It's so hard, lost in the world confusion.
And I need to leave, for a while.
Life is so meaningless, there is nothing worth a smile. (Rachel's room bare, no posters no pictures)
So goodbye, I'll miss you.
And I'm sorry, but this is my fate.
Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay. (myspace comments telling Rachel to kill herself)
And I'm sorry, but I've waited too long. (Rachel covered in a slushy freshman year)
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me. (Everyone in the hallway laughing at Rachel)
I'm not worth any tears. (Rachel standing in her bathroom with a knife at her wrist with determination)
It's been the years, of abuse. (The Jocks throwing multiple slushies at Rachel; facebook messages)
Neglected to treat the disorder,
That's controlled my youth, for so long. (Rachel displaying all of her scars)
I'm in a fleshy tomb, buried up above the ground.
It's no use, why should I hold on? (Rachel's medicine cabinet showing all of her pills lined up)
It's been five years, don't need one more.
So goodbye, life's abuse. (An envelope with the word goodbye on the front)
And I'm sorry, but this is my fate.
Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay. (more myspace comments telling Rachel to die)
And I'm sorry, but I've waited too long. (Rachel being shoved into a locker)
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me. (Rachel standing on the largest bridge in town)
I'm not worth any tears.
And I'm sorry, but this my fate. (A tomb stone)
Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay. (A pile of notes inside Rachel's locker)
And I'm sorry, but I've waited too long.
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me. (Rachel's dads on their anniversary vacation)
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me. (A glee club party that Rachel wasn't invited to)
I'm not worth any tears.
The screen fated to black and Rachel did not wait for Schue to comment or dismiss everyone. She simply walked out the stage door.
Stunned the club just sat there. They couldn't believe that they had never noticed Rachel's pain. They never realized just how distant she had become. How had they not noticed that this was the first time she had sung in weeks? It was a good ten minutes before one member broke out of the stupor in horror realizing what them sitting their meant. They just lost more precious time.
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Rachel drove home quickly. She grabbed her pill bottles and knives before leaving again. She drove to the bridge and quickly climbed the rail. She sat on it and began taking the pills. As soon as she finished off the pills she grabbed the knife and made ling deep vertical cuts in each arm. She dropped the knife. She looked to the sky and sang the last verse of Goodbye I'm Sorry one last time.
And I'm sorry, but this my fate.
Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay.
And I'm sorry, but I've waited too long.
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me.
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me.
I'm not worth any tears.
Rachel then leaned forward and let gravity do the rest.
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Quinn raced to the bridge hoping she was right about Rachel's plans and not too late to save the other girl. Sure she had bullied the other girl but it was only because of the self-loathing she held inside. She never intended to make someone actually want to kill themselves. She would not be able to live with herself if Rachel actually died. As she was driving Quinn called 911 and explained the situation. She also explained that she had no clue if Rachel went to the bridge or her house. The operator sent police and paramedics to both locations to be on the safe side.
Quinn was both happy and terrified to see that she was right. She jumped out of her car and dove towards Rachel as she saw her lean forward to begin her descent off the bridge. Quinn managed to barely grab one of Rachel's arms. Luckily an officer that had just arrived on the scene helped Quinn pull Rachel back over the ledge. The paramedics upon seeing Rachel's arms and the empty pill bottles immediately got to work attempting to save Rachel's life. Quinn is brought along to be treated for shock.
The last time Quinn sees Rachel is when she was coding on an Emergency room table. Quinn became catatonic as it proved unclear where Rachel's next room was going to be; in the ICU or the morgue.
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