Team Beats! 2
(Team Beats! Could be used too, since I'm pretty sure I'm the only person reading this who ever played Team Fortress Classic…..Should I change the title? Anyone?)

Ą/N: Yeah, Team Fortress 2 and Angel Beats! Had a baby. Thus isn't going to end well. Still Red VS. Blu, teams dictated by my twisted psyche. This is pretty crackish, but if it comes off well, I might take it places. Not in public though. I'm insane, not stupid.

Now, on with the plot!

(Normal text within parentheses is the Narrator speaking her mind.

Italicized text within parentheses is the 4th wall shattering Author.)

Chapter 1: It's the Blu Spy!

All was still in the Red base; the traps were set at the control point, the demoman had his halberd/fire axe ready, and was attacking...a friendly. Never mind, they're bored out of their minds so they're screwing around. As usual.

"Hey! Get back here! I'll make you pay for disgracing Yurippe, newbie!"

"What the hell Noda!

Otonashi was of course jumping out if the way every time, but his patience was wearing thin. They were supposed to be guarding intel, not attacking each other over petty differences! Well, more like Noda taking personal offence to Otonashi calling Yuri's painting of a lighthouse a fire truck, but still….

(Hey….-pokes- HEY…..-pokes-

I'm trying to write this abomination of a concept, what do you want.

Wasn't that lighthouse fire truck based off of a sketch you drew in school?

Shut up, you're such an immature narrator.

Hey, you contacted ME for this job.

Under the assumption that you'd fit the style…which you do….Damnit.)

Sparking an evil idea in his mind, Otonashi ran to the window and opened it.

Predictably, he ran straight for it and with a subtle shove, fell out the window.

"You'll pay for-" CRUNCH.

Otonashi sweatdropped. He's not respawning for a while...

Going back to guard the door in front of the Intel room, he wondered where everyone else was at.

(In front of the AMD room of course!

...*cricket*

-has a sad-)

Ooyama was on the roof defending the entrances with his Sniper rifle, and Matsushita was assisting Yurippe in attacking the enemy's base. Yurippe was a Soldier, packing a mean punch with her rockets. Matsushita was obviously a Heavy, rocking a 300-round chaingun and some mean judo moves.

Takeyama, their arrogant Engineer, was most likely writing a sappy romance novel about his turret and himself fighting off the forces of the evil Blu Empire...actually, he was okay with that.

(Creepy, Otonashi must like sappy romance novels.

No he doesn't!

Okay, so he's a lolicon.

…I'm not going to argue with that statement.)

A single manly scream emanated from outside, causing Otonashi to look outside and glance at all the buildings in the dark, looking for any gunshots or muzzle flashes. Seeing none, he withdrew his head, coming face to face with Naoi, the creepy Medic. Did we mention he had a thing with Otonashi?

Because he does.

"Otonashi! Do you need any assistance? The night is still young, you know…."
His overly cheery demeanor rang alarm bells in his head; Naoi was usually cold and attempting to get in his pants...oh. That lewd comment….ugh. Never mind. Reverse psychology, one of the most profoundly shocking tools in his yaoi fanboy arsenal!

"I'm fine Naoi, and why are you violating my personal space? We talked about this..."

Naoi had now made his way up to Otonashi and was rubbing his head against his side like a cat. Mildly flattering, but still creepy as all hell.

"Stop it Naoi!...is that a chibi plush doll of a Scout!"

Naoi was now holding the cutesy little doll of a Scout, the red hair and flushed cheeks too much for the…..usually calm, normal Scout? Am I reading this narrative right? Author? Are you listening?...you're an asshole.

"Awwwww, it's so cuuuuute~~~~!"

Otonashi grabbed the doll, putting it so close to his face it made him cross-eyed….(Seriously, author? Seriously?)

"Yeah Otonashi? It's cute? If I had known you were into that sort of thing I would've dressed for the occasion….."

I looked up. Shit. COVER COVER WHAT'S MY COVER? Wait, did Naoi just come on to me, and more directly then usual? Which is pretty direct anyways…..Good thing his hypnosis isn't good enough to get me to think about his…..

Well, shit. Oh yeah, I need to speak words to get him to stop staring at me….

"Um, yeah, I mean, if you're into that sort of thing...which I'm noooot, not at all…..um, yeah."

I rubbed the back of my head, and Naoi looked at me funny. Not in the 'oh man, so kawaiii!~' funny sense either. Though I do have that feeling in my sleep sometimes. I bet he watches me….in my sleep.

He turned around and started to walk away, saying over his shoulder, "Uh...okay...I'm gonna leave now...Bye Otonashi! Have a good night!"

Several bangs, cats howling, and doors slamming were heard as soon as he was out of sight.

Weird. What exactly just happened? I bet Naoi is into bestiality. I mean, what else would explain the cats? Yeah! I bet him, Sekine, and Irie have a secret bestiality ring they operate with Guild, and they sell the videos to the NPC's who are sexually depraved, so like, all of them. Then they use the money to buy MORE animals, and then….why the HELL am I thinking about this? There are ceiling tiles to count!

Five hundred and forty-two ceiling tiles later, Otonashi was bored again. He decided to sun himself. At night. (You suck at writing scripts, you know that?

Shut up, I'm the author! How the hell did you get in my basement anyways?

You have 3 27" computer screens. I walked right in.

So you saw everything?

Yes, you are a terrible person.

You just realized this?

No, but the Serial Experiments Lain desktop was nice….goddamn it, you're going to have an SE: Lain reference in everything you write, aren't you?

Probably but that one was true, at least.

Aren't you supposed to be writing this fic?

Oh shit, you're right! Get back in my computer, and avoid the passworded folders!

Like I'd even bother looking in any of them-OH GAWD

I told you not to look in them!

Is that a?

Yes, yes it is, now go!

Man, and I thought I was bad, being omnipresent and seeing GiDeMo have crazy all-night o-

….You done? You're needed as a narrator.

Yeah, I'm done. )

Listening to the voices from nowhere argue, Otonashi had been occupied for a while, but was not bored again.

He heard a commotion outside, looking out again to see what's up.

Finally a decent little fight had started, so he settled down to watch, shotgun hanging limply to one side, useless at anything but short range. Despite being hitscan. Somehow. Otonashi took out his binoculars to look at the skirmish, while silently wishing is was like motherf***ing Doom.

(No, author, don't rant about hitscan vs. projectile here. You'll have plenty of time to do it next chapter.

Awwww, fine Narrator. You know best, I guess. But that Columbine joke was pretty tasteless.

Thanks, I try.)

The Blu Heavy had TK, the maniacal Red Pyro, and Hisako, a drunken demowoman, pinned down on the bridge leading to the Red base. The humming above Otonashi indicated a sniper rifle charging up, before making a loud CRACK and turning that poor Heavy's head into bloody mush. He wondered vaguely how that must feel.

TK lit the guy on fire as they ran past him, singing Owl City lyrics, and once out of sight, heard grenades exploding in abundance.

(Wait, isn't that song about God? MIND BLOWN. Since I'm the narrator here, I'd say it's about ME! I feel so loved!

And who's writing your lines?

The ones I usually don't follow?

….touché.)

Returning to his post, Otonashi found Yuri beating up Noda before throwing him bodily out the same window he had recently tripped out of. Otonashi had to sidestep the flying purple-haired idiot in order to not take the same 5 story drop.

(Low ceiling, so he couldn't double-jump like a troll.

Are you going to make snarky comments about everyone's actions now?

Yes.

Goddamnit.

Score one for the man from Atlantis!)

Yuri turned to the curious Scout, who following her hands, which were holding her knife. Her big, sharp, cuts flesh easily, knife. That was pointed directly at him.

"EH?"

"I'MMA FIRING MY TEAMKILL LAZER!-"

Yuri's mouth opened, gathering previously unseen particles into a blinding white ball of light, which she slobbered all over with her tongue. Aiming her face towards him, he began worrying very much for his kill death ratio, before Naoi ran back in, grabbed Yuri, and dragged her off while Uber-charging her and simultaneously putting her in a headlock, choking out her white ball of death, which landed on the floor, burning a hole straight through it, making Naoi stare at it for a split second with a sweatdrop forming on his already creepy face.

"Sorry Otonashi! She was on a team killing spree, trying to find the Blu spy!"

He just stared at them, before managing "That's…..great. How many people has she gotten so far?"

Naoi managed to throw her out of view before answering.

"All 12 of us, actually. She killed Noda three times and Matsu twice though. Something about job security…"

He walked off, leaving the Scout to ponder what the hell just happened.

Leaning against the door to the intel room, he waited. Several more bangs and booms occurred, Yuri screamed from the roof "There's two!", then the building started to shake like it was about to drop an ugly baby. Gunfire started on the roof, and a stream of shells fell past the window, startling the Scout. Once they stopped, he jumped on the window sill, putting his hands up on the lip of the roof and looking to see what the commotion was about.

Ooyama was leaning down, his gun barrel lined up with the Scout's face. And behind the unassuming sniper…was the rest of the Reds.

Including an identical scout that was staring angrily at the OTHER scout. Though he didn't look too angry while drinking Key Coffee; more like angrily content? Crushing the can as he was drinking it, like his fury was causing the can to wilt into Play-doh.

(Is that like the cocaine of this world? I always see that kid with a goddamn Key Coffee. Always!

No, this isn't Scarface; kids don't do hard drugs here. That's just vending machine coffee that's kept warm. It's actually a thing in Japan

…can we get one in the lounge?

We don't have a lounge! Well, unless you plan on sneaking out of my monitors when no one is around….

Yes.

…No.

Awww….What if I pull out my PUPPY DOG EYES!

…..d'awww….fiiiiiine. We'll get a vending machine in my basement. I'm not keeping it stocked; you pay for it with money skimmed from the top of the profits you get from recording those o-

Great idea! Don't finish that sentence. Ever.

Finally, something we can agree on.)

Shiina's disguise was maintained through some sheer force of luck, and s/he stared at all of them, before waving meekly and ATTEMPTING to duck back into the building, while saying "How shallo-"

The combined firepower and actual usage of fire (Thanks TK!) of the REAL Reds ripped apart Shiina's convincing disguise of Otonashi, causing her tattered body to spiral to the ground, freaking out the Blu Scouts, Hinata and Yui, who had ran into the building and taken the intel while the Reds were busy mindfucking the Blu Spy. They even had time to carry Shiina back to the base and get her revived by Takamatsu, the shirtless Medic.

BLU WINS THE ROUND.

MAP CHANGING TO: tdm_guild-outskirts

(Oh boy, we get to meet the Blu leader!

…Yeah, why are these guys even fighting, again?

I don't actually know, but it's hilarious to watch and make snarky comments about.

At my expense, none the less.

That makes it even better!

*facepalm*)

A/N: ahaha, that was actually pretty fun to write! The Narrator vs. Author thing is pretty humorous too. It's the least serious fic I've done/am doing, but it's hilarious to just think of the outcomes. I'm going to leave the teams as they are, and I'll put the teams at the top of the next chapter, whenever I write that up. :3 1922 words isn't enough for something that's this ludicrous. WE'VE GONE PLAID! Soon to be multi-chapter plaid!

Hope you enjoyed, and please leave a review! It makes me all fuzzy inside, like when I backstab the enemy spy on a total guess. :3

Bye-nii~