Hi, new at writing fanfics, this will be the first one I've ever published, I hope you enjoy it, it's not finished yet, but if you like it, review and I'll continue.
*Disclaimer: I do not own Digimon or any of its characters! *Sigh*
Tai tossed and turned as he laid awake in the heat of the hot summer night. His lack of sleep over the past few days was becoming more and more apparent, his loss of energy was the main give away, but there were other signs too, the constant yawning, the dark circles under his eyes, and the frequent tuning out when someone was talking to him. Well, the tuning out had more to do with the fact that he was deep in thought rather than a lack of sleep. Damn it, maybe I should just tell him, it would be so much simpler Tai thought to himself as he rolled over for about the hundredth time tonight. Tai looked over at the clock, "11:00, I wonder if he's still awake." Tai picked up the phone next to his bed, and began to dial a number, but he quickly hung it back up, "this is stupid, he's probably sleeping, and even if he isn't, what would you say to him?" Tai whispered to himself, "oh what the hell, if I wake him up then he just punches me twice as much tomorrow" Tai said and picked up the receiver and dialed the number.
Matt had been lying awake for most of the night, and looked over to see it was almost 11pm, Dad said he'd be late again, that means he won't be home till about midnight, why does he always work so late? Matt thought to himself. Matt had been lost in thought for the past hour or so, mainly thinking about Tai, and how it looked like he hadn't slept for a week, What's up with him, why does he look so bad right now? Just then, the phone rang, jerking Matt out of his thoughts, "Hello?" Matt said as he picked up the phone.
"Hey" replied the voice on the other end.
"Tai? Is that you?" Matt answered.
"Yeah, I didn't wake you did I?"
"No" Matt replied, "I couldn't sleep much."
"Me neither, there's something on my mind Matt, something that's been bothering me for a while now, I need to talk to you about it, but I'm not sure how." Tai said in a soft and almost scarred voice.
"Tai, I'm worried about you, you look like you haven't slept in weeks, how much sleep have you gotten in the past 3 days?" Matt questioned.
"Total? About 8 hours" Tai replied in an almost ashamed voice.
Matt paused for a minute as if expecting to hear more, but then replied in a soft voice, "Tai, I'm really worried about you, what do you need to talk to me about?"
Matt's worried about me? Why? Do I really look that bad right now, what is this I'm feeling, guilt? Guilt because I caused Matt to worry Tai thought to himself, then jerking back to reality as he realized Matt was waiting for an answer. "Matt, there's something I have to talk to you about, and I need to do it soon, if I don't, I'm afraid what will happen, that I might hurt myself over this, but I need to be able to talk to you in person" Tai replied.
Matt grew silent, taking in what his best friend had just said, Tai, had just stated that he might hurt himself, Matt paused for a moment, trying to find the right words to say, assuming there is a right thing to say in this situation. "Tai, promise me you won't do anything you might regret later" was all Matt could come up with.
"Matt, I'm trying, but the more I think about it, the closer I come to doing something like that." Tai replied, his voice starting to crack from holding back tears. "I need to talk to you as soon as possible."
"Tai, I..." Matt paused, "I'm coming over" Matt stated in almost a panicked voice.
"What?! Matt, it's almost quarter after, you can't come over." Tai replied, completely caught of guard by Matt's statement.
"Tai, I'm coming over and that's final. I'll be there shortly" Matt said and he hung up the phone and got dressed.
"Matt no" Tai relied, but the receiver clicked, indicating that Matt had hung up.
The two boys lived in walking distance of each other, it was about a 15 to 20 minute walk, but Matt had reached Tai's place in about 10 minutes by running almost the whole way. He stopped to catch his breath, and waited for the elevator. About a minute later, he was at Tai's door, he hesitated for a moment and knocked softly. The door flew open and Tai dragged Matt inside quietly, Tai whispered to be quiet as to not wake anyone up, and the quickly made there way to Tai's room. "What the hell were you thinking?" Tai whispered in an angry voice.
"That I was trying to keep my closest friend from hurting himself." Matt replied.
"Matt I..." Tai paused "thank you."
Matt led Tai over to the bed and sat down on it with him, "Tai, please tell me what's wrong."
Tai paused for a minute, bitting his lower lip, trying to hold back tears, "Matt...I..." but that's all Tai could get out before he started crying.
Matt was in shock, in all the years he had known Tai, he had never seen him openly cry in front of anyone, yet here he was, in full fledge tears. Matt reached over, and pulled Tai closer to him, putting Tai's head on his chest as the boy continued to cry. Matt wrapped his arms around him and just held Tai for the longest time while Tai put his arms around Matt to keep close to him. After what seemed like a small eternity, Tai's desperate crying had reduced to sobbing as he started to calm down to Matt's voice, "shh, it's ok, shh." A short while later, Tai had almost completely stopped except for the occasional sob, but he still kept his head on Matt's tear soaked shirt. Matt looked down at Tai who still clung desperately to him as if he were a child. Matt remembered how Tk used to get like this, and how he had always managed to calm his little brother down in the same way. "Feel better?" Matt asked.
Tai looked up, his eyes red and teary, "sort of" he managed to choke out in between sobs. There was a long period of silence that followed as Matt just looked down into Tai's soft eyes, he seemed almost lost in Tai's brown eyes as if he were searching them for some clue as to what was wrong. Tai in turn, was looking up into Matt's baby blue eyes, they were so full of compassion and love, that Tai couldn't look away his eyes are so beautiful, like sapphires or a crystal blue ocean Tai thought to himself as he continued to stare, and all Matt could do was stare back, and smile.
Matt continued to hold him for a while until he finally said "so, are you ready to tell me what's bothering you?"
Tai looked up at him, took a deep breath and replied "yes." He now had Matt's full attention, and said "it's just that, well, I'm afraid what will happen if I tell you, that it might hurt our friendship, or that you might not wanna be friends with me anymore. I couldn't bare to deal with that." Tai said still sniffling.
"Tai, we have been friends for far to long for anything to drive a wedge between us, no matter what it is, I'll understand, and I promise you I won't think any different of you." Matt replied.
Tai moved away from Matt's arms and lied on his pillow while Matt remained sitting on the bed right next to him, "Matt, this might be the one exception to that, but if I don't tell someone, its gonna drive me insane, and you're the only one I trust with my secret." Tai looked up at him, "promise me Matt, that you'll keep what I'm about to tell you a secret, that you won't tell anyone, not your dad, not my parents, not Tk, not Kari, not even Gabumon, promise me Matt."
Matt reached over and ran a hand through Tai's hair, "I promise Tai, that I will keep your secret and never tell anyone."
Tai curled up into a ball, and remained silent for a minute or two. "Matt, I've been keeping something from everyone for a long time, I'm not sure when I first realized I was, but I've tried hard not to give any clue that I am."
Matt looked at him with confusion, "Tai, what is it, what are you?"
Tai, looked up at him, his eyes full of tears, his voice obviously trembling as he tried to hold back his tears. "Matt, I... I..." Tai couldn't finish the statement.
"Just take a deep breath, calm down and slowly say it" Matt said as he wiped the tears from Tai's eyes.
Tai took another deep breath and tried again, "thanks Matt." Tai said as he looked up at the other boy, "Matt, the truth is, is that I'm..." he paused and then quickly resumed, "I'm gay." Tai grew silent, awaiting Matt to gasp or pull away from him.
Matt just stared at him, taking in what was wrong with his best friend, he's gay, so that's what's been bothering him for so long, I guess he was finally ready to tell someone, or is there more? Matt moved closer to Tai and put his arms around him, "Tai, is this what's been bothering you for so long?" Matt asked in a soft and kind voice. Tai nodded and looked as if he were ready to cry again, Matt hushed him and said "Tai, were you afraid that if I found out, that I wouldn't want to be friends with you anymore?" Tai nodded again, "Tai, I would never do that, I promise you, that I will never abandon our friendship, I don't care if your gay, you're still the same person you were 10 minutes ago, and no matter what, you'll always be my friend Tai."
Tai looked up at him and smiled "thanks Matt. But, there is one more thing, the other reason I wanted to tell you." Tai said, scared more than ever about how Matt would react to this.
Matt moved closer to him and moved Tai so that he was holding him while he lied across Matt's lap. "I think I have a pretty good idea what it is, but I think I should hear it from you" Matt replied in his soft voice.
Tai looked up at him, his face red, "Ok" Tai said and took a deep breath, "Matt, I um, well uh, Matt, I'm attracted to you." Tai said and expected Matt to throw him off of him.
Matt pulled him closer and raised him up a bit so that Tai's head was even with his chest, "I had a feeling you might be" Matt said and put his head on Tai's.
Tai remained still, expecting Matt to reject him or something, but Matt just held him silently. What do I do now, do I ask him if he's interested? What if he's not, what then? Maybe I shouldn't of told him yet Tai thought to himself, "Matt?" Tai said.
"Tai, will you give me some time to think about this? I'm not saying no or anything, but I really need to think about this." Matt said still holding Tai.
"Of course Matt, take all the time you need." Tai said feeling a bit uneasy, is Matt looking for a nice way to break it to me that he wasn't interested? Is there a chance he could be? thoughts raced through Tai's mind trying to figure out what to do. Tai started to doze off, and finally he fell asleep in Matt's arms.
Matt continued to hold Tai, not wanting to move, in part because he didn't want to wake Tai up, and the fact that he seemed to enjoy holding Tai. Tai likes me, but do I like him? What do I do? Could I actually be attracted to him, oh man, this is a tough one, I have no idea here. He's so beautiful when he's sleeping though. Beautiful?! What the hell was that, well... he is, but by thinking that, does that make me gay? I have no idea, Matt's mind raced for a long time, till he finally fell asleep, still holding Tai, he let his head fall and rest on Tai's.
Light had crept into Tai's room hours ago and the blonde boy started to stir. Down the hall he could here Kari, Tai's younger sister calling for her brother to wake up. Matt looked down at his best friend who was still cradled in his arms, the boy was still peacefully sleeping, and for the first time since last night, he looked like he was calm and happy. A knock at the door jolted Matt's attention back to the world around him, Kari entered the room in mid sentence. "Tai, how long do you plan on being asle... oh Matt, what are you doing here?!" Kari asked when she noticed Matt on Tai's bed holding him.
Matt put a finger to his lips, indicating for Kari to be quiet, "He had a rough night last night, and I came over to see if I could help him out at all" Matt replied in a soft quiet voice so he wouldn't disturb the sleeping boy.
Kari nodded and replied in a loud whisper "Ok, I understand" she looked at her brother and said "see if you can't wake him up, I'll fix you guys breakfast, our parents already went out for the day." Matt nodded and Kari turned and left the room. Tai's been really down as of late, I wish I knew what was bothering him, but I guess he turned to Matt for help, well, they always were good friends, I just hope he's ok now.
Matt returned his focus to the sleeping boy in his arms, he moved his head down towards Tai's, and whispered into his ear, "Tai, wake up, come on, it's morning." When there was no response, Matt tried shaking him a little and tried whispering again to get his attention, this time Tai started to stir. "Hey, wake up, come on Tai, it's time to get up" Matt said.
Tai moaned a little and started to stir more, he slowly opened his eyes, and looked up to see Matt smiling at him. Tai shifted a little, and rubbed his eyes, "ugh, morning Matt" was all Tai could say.
"Good morning" Matt replied and chuckled softly, still holding Tai. He never was a morning person.
Tai began to shift even more, and said "Matt, you stayed with me the whole night?" Tai grew silent for a moment, "thanks" was all he could say, and he snuggled close to Matt, resting his head on the blonde's chest.
Matt held him tight, and looked down at the boy who seemed to be filled with happiness as he snuggled close to him. "No problem, but you need to get up now" Mat said as he started to push the other boy off of him, part of him was almost sorry he had to let him go. Tai felt a sense of loss too as he was moved away from Matt, he looked up and stared into Matt's eyes, searching them for maybe some kind of answer to his unspoken question. Matt looked back into Tai's brown eyes, and fully understood what Tai was asking; what happens now with you and me? Matt wrapped his arms back around Tai and said "Tai, I need a little bit more time to think about this, can you come over my house tonight, I might have an answer for you by then." Tai nodded and Matt moved him so they were face to face, Matt gently kissed Tai's forehead and moved him onto his bed.
Tai shuddered at Matt's lips on his head, and let himself be moved off of Matt, he remained perfectly still as he watched Matt get up and stretch. Matt moved back towards him, and gave him a hug, he listened as Matt told him it was time to get up, and that Kari was fixing him something to eat. Tai looked at Matt as he headed for the door and explained that Tai should come over around 7:00 tonight. Then without another word, Matt left.
Matt headed down the hall, passed the kitchen, and headed for the door. "Oh, Matt, you're leaving?" Kari asked.
"Yeah, I got to get home, but thanks anyway." Matt replied as he slipped on his shoes. "Oh, make sure Tai actually gets up, he might be a little down today, but don't ask him about it, he'll tell you when he's ready. Bye" and with that, Matt left.
"Bye" Kari replied, then walked back towards Tai's room. When she entered, she found her brother lying on his bed starring of into space. "Come on big brother, time to get up, go take your shower, and I'll fix your breakfast" Kari left the room and headed back towards the kitchen, I wonder what's up with him, oh well, Matt said he'll talk about it when he's ready, so I just have to wait till then.
Tai got up and gathered his clothes for the day and headed toward the bathroom, he got undressed and hopped in the shower, the warm water felt good against his skin, and he started to get washed. He kissed me! He actually kissed me, granted it was only on the forehead, but still, he kissed me! Does that mean he might actually like me? And what about me coming over tonight, is he gonna say yes? Wait, what if it's just so he can break it to me gently, and that kiss, could that just be an I feel sorry for you kiss, and that he shows no interest in me what so ever, what do I do? Tai's mind raced as he felt the water flow off him. "Get a hold of yourself Tai, you just have to wait it out, he'll make his decision when he's ready. Tai went back to his thoughts, of being held by Matt all night long, and what might happen to night, a thought entered his mind about Matt and him, together, maybe even in the shower together. "Heh, that would be fun!" Tai thought to himself as he jerked back to reality.
Tai emerged from the shower about 20 minutes later, and sat down in the kitchen. He looked down at his plate, and just starred, not at the plate, but through it, to a place only he could see, the place of his thoughts. "Why aren't you eating?" Kari asked as she sat down next to her big brother. Tai just continued starring off into space, "Hello? Tai? Earth to Tai, you in there?"
"Huh? What? Yeah yeah, foods great Kari" Tai said as he jumped back to reality.
"You haven't even touched it Tai" Kari replied. Tai looked down at his plate and felt his face get red, "Tai, what's wrong?" Kari asked in a sympathetic voice as she looked on at her brother.
"Nothing" was all he could reply. Tai poked at his food with his fork looked at it, got up and left the table "thanks Kari, but I'm not hungry" Tai said as he left the room and went back to his room. He flopped down on his bed and starred up at the ceiling, his mind empty and quiet.
Kari watched as her brother left the room without a sound, she just looked on as he walked back to his room. Wow, Tai, not wanting food! What's wrong with him? I've never seen him like this before Kari thought to herself. She walked into his room knocking lightly on the door as she did, "Tai? What's wrong? You can tell me." Kari asked as she sat down on the bed next to her brother.
Tai looked over at her and for a moment, wanted to tell her everything, but he shook it off. "Nothing" Tai replied and got up, "I'm going out, I'll be back later" Tai said in a fake cheerful voice as he headed for the door. Kari watched as her brother slid his shoes on, and closed the door as he left. And with that, he was gone.
Tai walked in silence for a long time, he figured that he needed to get away from everyone for a while and escape reality, so what better place to go, then to the arcade. As he entered Tai heard the sounds from tons of different games, all overlapping one another, making it impossible to think, which is just what he wanted and smiled. He heard that they had just finished installing some kind of virtual reality game, and decided to give it a try. As he approached it, there was a crowd standing around it, it seems some big hot shot kid was blowing away the competition in the game. "Great, all I wanted to do was relax, oh well" he said to himself as he watched some kid leave the game with a look of disappointment on his face, Tai sighed and entered it. The game started up and Tai took in his surroundings, "well its not the Digital World, but I guess it will do" he said aloud. His opponent appeared on the field and the game began.
"Wow did you see that, the new kid dodged that attack pretty well" someone said from the audience watching as the two boys fought.
"Yeah, but I'm putting my money on the kid who's beaten everyone else so far" another kid replied.
Five minutes later Tai emerged from the game with a huge smile on his face. Even though he had planned on just escaping for a while, he seemed to enjoy pounding out his frustrations on someone else. He looked at the spectators who were just gawking at him, nobody had seen anything like it, Tai had decimated his opponent in a matter of minutes, without even being touched. Tai returned to his cocky self and walked away leaving the crowd still starring as he shouted back, "who's the king baby." He walked around a bit more, and decided to get something to eat, after a few slices of pizza, he continued looking for something else that would take his mind off Matt. Tai sighed as he said the other boy's name in his mind, but noticed two familiar faces playing a game.
Tk and Ken had also decided to go to the arcade today, and were busy playing a sniper game. Tk was trying hard to hold the gun steady, but this was new to him, and had a great deal of trouble as the gun shook, making it very difficult to shoot. Ken decided to help the boy and moved behind him, pressing their bodies close, Ken place his hands over Tk's and started to guide the gun. "Just relax" Ken whispered into his ear, "loosen your grip, and don't pull the trigger, just squeeze it."
Tk blushed deeply, Ken's never acted like this in public with me before, wow, this feels really good having him near me like this, Tk refocused on the game and let himself be guided by Ken.
God it feels good holding him like this Ken thought to himself, and jerked back to the task at hand. He guided Tk and helped him start playing the game better.
Tai spotted them, and decided to walk over, it didn't register in his mind just how close Ken was to Tk at that moment in time, he greeted them, "hey guys, what's up?"
Ken stumbled and spun around as he heard Tai's voice, causing Tk to shoot a civilian right in the head. Ken quickly backed away from Tk, his face beat red. Tk also turned to face Tai, he was equally red with embarrassment. "Hi Tai, err..., I... was um, just showing Tk how to steady the gun more properly" Ken said, as he rubbed the back of his head nervously, he could feel a sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach, and was scared to look Tai in the eyes.
"Oh, that's cool" Tai replied. Wait a minute! Are they? Was that? Tai smirked, looking over at Tk who was also too afraid to look at Tai. "You two seem to be bonding ok" Tai said still smirking at the possibility of Tk and Ken being in love with each other.
"So what are you doing here Tai?" Tk asked, finally working up enough courage to look at him. Tai looked into Tk's eyes, and saw his unspoken message, please don't tell anyone.
Tai understood, and nodded slightly so that not even Ken could see it. "I was just looking to get away from some stuff for a while, and I decided to come here" Tai replied. Tk looked over at Ken, and Tai could make out the unspoken phrase Tk's face told him, it's ok, relax. Ken started to grow bolder again and was able to look back up at Tai. He looked down at his watch, "well, I have to go, I'll see you guys later I guess" Tai said and started to move away from the two boys.
Tai looks better today, looks like he finally got some sleep. Tk snapped back to reality, "Tai, wait" Tk called after him, and Tai looked back to see what Tk wanted. Tk ran up to him and whispered to him, "please keep it a secret, I don't want anyone finding out that we're dating yet." Tk pleaded to him.
"Relax, your secrets safe with me" Tai replied, and continued to walk away.
"What did you say to him?" Ken asked.
"If he could keep it a secret till we're ready" Tk replied. Ken looked at him inquisitively, "don't worry, he will." Ken had a look of relief on his face, and he turned back towards the game, hinting that he wanted Tk to try again. Tk smiled and got back into position, this time it felt more natural, having Ken's hands on his.
Tai had walked from the arcade, lost in his thoughts of Matt and him, and hoping that maybe if Tk was gay, that Matt might be too. Tai looked up at the apartment building in front of him, somehow with out knowing it, he had walked all the way to Matt's place. Why am I here? Tai thought to himself, and answered aloud "because I love him." Tai sighed, he wondered if he should go up, or just wait till tonight. Tai's question was answered for him when a hand landed on his shoulder, Tai jumped, and spun around to see who it was.
"Hey Tai" Matt said and couldn't help but laugh at how high Tai had jumped.
"Matt!" Tai exclaimed, his face now blushing a deep red, "I...er...uh" Tai stumbled trying to find the words he was looking for.
Matt looked at him questioningly, "Tai, don't worry about it, come on up" he said and opened the door to the apartment building. Matt shifted the groceries he had been carrying.
Tai grabbed one and said "here, let me help you" Matt thanked him, and as they rode the elevator in silence, Tai felt like he was gonna explode. When they reached Matt's door, Tai hesitated to enter.
"Tai, get in here" Matt commanded, pulling the other boy inside. He looked over at his friend who just stood there in silence as if one wrong step would destroy his universe. "Ok, look Tai, I know its eating you up inside, but I just need some more time to work this out" Matt explained, Tai's face fell to the ground, and he looked like he was gonna cry. "As you can see, I'm making dinner for you tonight, my dad won't be home again, so it's just the two of us" Matt said as he put the groceries down, and took the one from Tai. He looked over at Tai, and saw how upset he was, a tear ran down his face SHIT! Smooth move you idiot! Matt ran over to him and hugged him. "Hey, I didn't say no did I?" He said, trying to cheer his best friend up. "I'll tell you what, why don't you go lay down for awhile" Matt told him.
Tai pushed himself away from Matt, still crying. "Matt, I'm sorry, I'll see you later I guess" Tai said quickly, his voice cracking. He moved towards the door and opened it.
Matt moved to stop him, but was shoved back and Tai ran down the hall "Tai, wait!" Matt called out as he raced after him, "Tai, stop" but it was to late, Tai had already gotten on the elevator and was descending. Matt looked over at the stairs, and raced down them hoping to head Tai off. When he reached the bottom, he could see the elevator closing with new people on it, he looked over towards the door and saw Tai race out it. Matt moved to follow, but stopped "Tai, wait" he said in a voice barley above a whisper his arm outstretched and felt himself starting to cry. Matt wiped a tear from his eye, and went back into the stairwell up to his apartment. Once inside, he sat down at the table, wrapped his arms up over his head and cried.
After almost a half hour, Matts crying subsided, and he regained his composure. He looked over at the clock, and realized he had to come up with an answer in 5 hours, 5 hours, to decide whether or not I'm actually gay Matt thought to himself. I mean, yeah Tai's nice, and he's my best friend, and he is kinda cute. But am I really gay? Matt turned his attention on preparing the meal he promised to make. Why am I going through all this trouble than, if I might turn him down? "Oh man, what do I do?" Matt asked aloud.