Lana and Sanjit walked together. They were not holding hands, but they were close: arms brushing against one another, walking in step. Lana slid her way in between people, moving gracefully through the crowds on the sidewalk. Sanjit followed close behind. It was the 10th anniversary date of the FAYZ. A day burned into the memory of a small town of people on the coast of California. Lives were lost, broken, and started. Lana and Sanjit were two of the few to make it out of there able to talk about the tragedies that had unfolded inside.
The air grew unusually chilly as the day wore on, a slight breeze rustling Lana's hair. She reached reflexively to fix it, but Sanjit grabbed her hand on the way up. He turned to face her. "Are you sure you're okay here?"
Lana forced a smile onto her lips. "I'm—I'm fine. I want to be here. For everyone." They turned another corner on the street, arriving amongst a large crowd of people, all holding up cameras. Sanjit grabbed Lana tightly and held her close and together they looked up. In the middle of the Town Plaza was a newly created monument, chiseled out of what appeared to be marble to Lana. She knew that Sanjit's family had donated it, but had no idea up until this point what it would be of. It was an imposing piece, in the shape of a dome. Around the outside carved into the marble were scenes depicting acts of bravery and love that were performed inside the FAYZ walls. Lana walked around the circumference of the monument and found a carving of her healing someone. She noted that she looked a lot less frail on the marble than she did in the FAYZ, her body filled out and her face happy to heal. Along the bottom edge of the dome were chiseled depictions of the faces of everyone lost. Their names were stenciled in below, and Lana saw that some had already been marked by flowers and pictures taped to the dome.
Sanjit approached Lana, knowing she was out of her element, knowing this experience would be hard on her. He had spoken with the rest of the FAYZ group earlier that week, and they agreed going to the ceremony would not be the best for the more emotionally scarred members of their group. Diana and Lana were attending against all better judgment. Sanjit tried to reach for Lana's hand, but she balled up her fingers in a fist, her hands shaking. She looked like a child, her eyes wide and her body so small. He just wanted to hold her, to pull her close, to feel her heartbeat against his and make sure she was okay. Sanjit settled by standing close to her side.
Lana and Sanjit pushed their way to the front of the crowds. Some recognized them but others still seemed annoyed to be pushed backwards. There was going to be a ceremony with the Brattle-Chance couple making a speech. Many came just to try to get their autograph. Lana ran her hand along the side of the monument, feeling each individual divot that together formed faces, people, and memories. The past consumed her. She tried her hardest to stay strong, to go against all odds and show everyone that she was strong. She could do this. Lana took a deep, shaky breath. All the memories rushing back were too much. She looked over to Sanjit. He looked so much older than he did when they first met. His bone structure was prominent, his face a businessman sort of handsome. His eyes met hers, and they were full of concerned. Lana wiped a tear from strolling down her face, but maintained eye contact.
"Want to get out of here?" Sanjit leaned in close, whispering in Lana's ear. She nodded frantically, and she grabbed his hand and pulled him away from the crowds, away from the dome, away from the memories.
Down the streets, past the apartment buildings, out beyond the town they walked as Lana let silent tears fall onto her dress. Her stupid dress. Sanjit told her she had to dress up if she was going to go, and she complied reluctantly. Now she was crying and uncomfortable. They kept walking in silence. Sanjit knew how to handle Lana, knew they way she thought. He knew where they were walking.
Lana stopped outside the Clifftop Hotel, breathing fast. She hadn't been there since the FAYZ. Why did I come back? The pain, oh the pain she had felt. And the fear. She had seen horrors, worse than anything that should have been possible. She had created monsters. Lana walked towards the building and sat down against an exposed wall. This half of the hotel had been shut down for a few years out of respect, but had been reopened recently to allow for more business. A few families walked past Lana and Sanjit, but other than a few pointing children, no one commented.
"Do you want me to call a cab? We can go home." Sanjit was sitting beside Lana, holding her hand against her will.
"No, I just need a minute." She reached into the pockets of her dress and pulled out a cigarette and a lighter.
Sanjit looked surprised. "You stopped smoking." He said.
Lana laughed, and then hiccupped. After she cried she always seemed to hiccup. Sanjit thought it was cute, but she thought it was embarrassing. "I did, this is just, I guess this is just my ceremony. Just one cigarette."
"Got an extra?"
Lana reached into her dress pocket—Thank God for dresses with pockets —and pulled out a second one for him. "To the FAYZ." She lit the cigarette and then lit his.
"To the FAYZ."
They both put the cigarettes to their lips and each took a long, deep drag. Both of them broke out in coughs. "This. Is. A lot worse. Than I remember." Lana said through her coughing fit. Sanjit nodded, laughing. Their coughs turned into laughs and then into tears, and Lana collapsed against Sanjit. Her head rest on his shoulder. "Why'd it have to happen to us? And why'd they all have to die?"
Sanjit stroked her hair as she cried, rubbed his hand against her back. He held her tight, and he couldn't answer her questions because he was crying too. It had been ten years but the feelings never left them. They were together and happy, but there would always be a sort of sadness in their relationship, locked to them.
They sat like that for a few more minutes, both of them crying. Lana straightened up first, wiping tears from her face. Her eyes were red and puffy. Sanjit turned his head for a moment to wipe away his own tears. Lana expected him to be strong. Stable. An anchor. He turned back to face her, and found her typing on her iPhone. Lana hiccupped. Sanjit smiled.
"Astrid wants to know where we are." Lana said, and then hiccupped again. She held her phone in one hand, and the cigarette in the other. Sanjit had dropped his cigarette already, and it was sitting in the grass beside him, no longer smoking. Lana continued to smoke the cigarette. Apparently her ceremony was only complete if she finished the cigarette. Sanjit let it happen.
"Tell them where we are. We can meet up with them." Sanjit said, leaning in against Lana, resting his head on hers.
Lana hiccupped, and then smiled. "Why, you're sick of being alone with me?"
Sanjit sat up and grabbed her chin, pulling her face in close to his. "Never." He kissed her lightly. They were pained by their memories, tormented, but at least they were together.