A/N: OK, so I got such a good response from people for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in Fifteen to Thirty Minutes along with OotP in 15 Minutes that I decided to go back to the beginning and do the same thing for all of the movies. I am currently Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone-less (I thought I was being nice and let my mum's friend borrow it. GAH!), so I started with the Chamber of Secrets. I'm already out of order anyway, so why not?
As usual, SHELLY will be Shelly and KATEY will be me. Also (and again, as usual), T for language and innuendos. I'm sure I don't have to tell you why :P
Enjoy!
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets in Fifteen to Thirty Minutes
THE BEGINNING: -starts with a maze of houses-
HARRY: -is, once again, mourning his parents' deaths-
THE PICTURE:-changes to one of him, Ron and Hermione-
PICTURE!HERMIONE: -is practically pressing herself up against Picture!Harry-
RON/HERMIONE SHIPPERS:... fuck; already?!
HEDWIG: -makes noise-
HARRY: Shut up; you'll get me in trouble.
HEDWIG: -makes noise-
HARRY:I'm not allowed to use magic outside of school!
HEDWIG:...you fucktwit! The effin' key's already in the lock! JUST TURN IT AND LET ME OUT!
VERNON:Potter!
HARRY:-grumbling- Now you've done it.
HEDWIG:... if you'd just unlock the bloody cage ...
Living Room
VERNON:Seriously? Only two minutes into the bloody movie and you're already being such a fucktwit that I have to be annoyed with you?!
HARRY: -cries- My parents are dead and I haven't gotten a single letter from any of my friends!
DUDLEY: Who'd want to be friends with you? -walks past Harry-
HARRY: -purposely moves into Dudley's way-
DUDLEY: -hits Harry's shoulder-
HARRY: -glares at Dudley even though Harry purposely moved-
VERNON: -sends Harry to his room-
Harry's Room
ORANGE BOWL ON A STICK: -is also known as a digital creation named Dobby the house-elf and is jumping up and down on the bed. Tells Harry not to go back to school, attempts to kill himself more than once, gets Harry into trouble and then disappears-
HARRY: ...WTFBBQ mate?
VERNON: -puts bars on Harry's window-
Middle of the Night
A CAR: -flies up to Harry's window-
FRED, GEORGE AND RONALD WEASLEY: -save Harry Potter from his "evil" aunt and uncle-
HARRY: HAHA! Suckers =D
The Burrow
THE TWINS, RON AND HARRY: -sneak in-
MOLLY WEASLEY: -comes out of nowhere like every mother does when you're trying to sneak back into your house after a night of wild, drunken partying. Not that I'd know that ...- WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!?
KATEY: Well ... Ron was out shagging Hermione, Harry was crying into a deep bottle of scotch over his parents' death and Fred and George were ... ahem ... experiementing with their sexuality.
SHELLY: ...Katey, let's keep this one PG-13, OK?
JD: So Kate should just sit on her hands instead, huh?
KATEY: Both of you bite me twice and chew hard both times.
ARTHUR: -comes home from work and meets Harry- Ah! When did he get here?
MOLLY: -is not amused- This morning. Your sons flew that enchanted car of yours to Surrey and back last night!
ARTHUR: -is such a dad here; it's hilarious- Did you really? How'd it go?
MOLLY: -swats Arthur-
The Fireplace
HARRY: -learns how to use Floo powder and instead of going to Diagon Alley, he ends up going diagonally to Borgan and Burkes- Hmm ... I wonder what will happen if I grab the thumb of this obviously severed hand that screams "dark magic"! -grabs thumb-
SEVERED HAND: -grabs Harry's hand-
HARRY: ZOMFG!!! -escapes and runs away-
SEVERED HAND: -turns around and gives Harry the finger- Can't touch this! Ba na na na. Ba-na. Ba-na. Can't touch this.
HARRY: -exits the shop, narrowly escapes being "abducted" by a bunch of people and then meets up with PlotPoint!Hagrid and then with RealLife!Hermione-
Diagon Alley
HERMIONE: -fixes Harry's glasses ... again. Then drags Harry into ... (BIG SHOCK HERE!!) a bookstore-
KATEY: They should've made it a running joke where Hermione fixes Harry's glasses in the first twenty minutes of each film. I mean, it's too late now, but it would've been funny. Or stupid. Never mind.
HARRY: -is taken up to the front for pictures with SleazeBag!Lockhart and then is (verbally) abused by Draco Malfoy-
HARRY/DRACO SHIPPERS: WOOT WOOT, BIATCHES!
JD: While Hermione is being shagged against a bookshelf by Lockhart! =D
KATEY: No, JD; this isn't "Um ... You Want Me To Do WHAT?!". That comes out later on, OK?
JD: -pouts-
LUCIUS MALFOY: -pulls Harry to him- Ah, your scar. Voldy is my homeboy! Holla!
HARRY: Voldemort killed my parents! -cries-
MALFOY SNR: -plants plot point in Ginny Weasley's cauldron-
KATEY: Teehaw. "Snr" looks like "sneer" =D
King's Cross Station
HARRY AND RON: -smash into the wall-
HEDWIG: AHH!!!! ZOMFGWTMFBBQ MATE?!
HARRY: FUCK! We missed the train! ...let's go wait by the car.
RON: OR! We could FLY the car to school, stranding Mum and Dad at King's Cross and getting us into trouble!
HARRY: Sounds good to me!
The Car
HARRY AND RON: -smash into PlotPoint!Tree-
RON: -apparently hasn't reached puberty yet and starts squeaking like a dolphin-
SHELLY: ...you just had to put that in here, didn't you?
KATEY: -grins madly-
RON: -snaps his wand and cries-
HERMIONE: Dammit! I'll need that when we're eighteen!
KATEY: Yeah, well I need it now! Get in line, betch!
Hogwarts
HARRY AND RON: -get in trouble for flying a car to Hogwarts, being seen by Muggles, and crashing into PlotPoint!Tree-
Greenhouse Three
PROFESSOR SPROUT: -hands out PlotPoint!Plants- These are ...?
HERMIONE: Oh honestly. You people need to read more. Mandrakes. They wake up petrified people.
SPROUT: Good! Now why would we need to know that?
KATEY AND SHELLY: ... it says PlotPoint!Plants for a reason ...
Great Hall
RON: -gets a Howler-
HOWLER: -yells at Ron for taking the car-
HERMIONE: ...well, what did you expect?
Defense Against the Lockhart Class
LOCKHART: -sets a bunch of Cornish Pixies on the entire class-
PIXIES: -attack the class, causing more trouble that two cats on catnip and manage to hang Neville from a chandalier-
KATEY: ...not that I know what two cats on catnip act like ... -looks around guiltily-
THE CLASS (WITH THE EXCEPTION OF HARRY, RON, HERMIONE AND NEVILLE): Retreat! Retreat! –take off-
LOCKHART: Gather them up, will you? –disappears-
HERMIONE: IMMOBULUS!
THE PIXIES: -freeze in mid-air-
RON: ...you couldn't have done that to begin with?
Quidditch Pitch
MALFOY JNR: -is new Slytherin Seeker and calls Hermione a Mudblood-
RON: -defends Hermione's honour- EAT SLUGS!
RON/HERMIONE SHIPPERS: AWWW! –loves Ron so hard-
SHELLY: Everyone loves a Weasley when he's hard! =D
KATEY: HELLA YES!
EMMA: ...what happened to keeping it PG-13, Shelly? -winks-
SHELLY: You mentioned a hard Weasley. My defenses crumbled. ...I am a weak, weak woman...
Hagrid's Hut
HERMIONE: He called me a Mudblood.
HARRY: Yeah? Well my parents are dead!
HERMIONE: -explains the term- It's not a term one generally hears in civilized conversation.
KATEY: ...you do realise that said "conversation" was with Draco Malfoy, right?
SHELLY: Like Fran Lebowitz said, "Polite conversation is rarely either."
KATEY: … where'd you hear that?
SHELLY: -shrugs-
KATEY: ...can you even pronounce "Lebowitz"?
SHELLY: ...shut up.
Detention with Lockhart
HARRY: -is addressing envelopes-
LOCKHART: -signs a picture of him on a broom-
SHELLY: Oh, I wish I could just sit there and .... mmmmm.
LOCKHART: Celebrity is as celebrity does.
MUM: THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE! DID YOU SMOKE A BOWL BEFOREHAND, YOU DOLT?!
HARRY: -hears a voice and is let from detention. Runs into Ron and Hermione, and follows the voice he heard earlier, only to find Mrs Norris petrified and the entire school surrounding him-
KATEY: Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time 0.o
DUMBLEDORE: Hmm. Innocent until proven guilty.
TRIO: -take off-
Staircase
HERMIONE: WTF was that?!
HARRY: I heard a voice; should I have told them?
RON: Um, NO!
RANDOM PORTRAIT: -hums the Twilight Zone theme- De-do de-do, de-do de-do.
Transfiguration
HERMIONE: Tell us about the Chamber of Secrets, plzkthnx.
McGONAGALL: -sigh- Fine. The founders got into an argument resulting in Slytherin leaving. The legend? Chamber of Secrets built, but sealed until the heir returned to release "The Horror Within".
NEW HP FANS: ZOMFG WTF IS IT?!?!?!?! -spazzes out-
Hallway
TRIO: -discuss the Chamber of Secrets and decide that Malfoy is the Heir of Slytherin because he's the most 'evil' person they've ever met. They decide to brew an illegal Polyjuice Potion to become Malfoy's bitches-
SHELLY: ...
KATEY: ... **Crabbe and Goyle ...?
SHELLY: ...-sigh-
Quidditch
A GRUELING GAME: -is taking place-
HARRY: -is being chased by a rogue Bludger, has his arm broken, catches the Snitch while similtaniously kicking Malfoy's arse and then has Lockhart REMOVE all of his arm bones, sticking him up in the Hospital Wing-
Hospital Wing
HARRY: -talks to Dobby the House Elf, who reveals that he charmed the Bludger AND the wall at King's Cross-
DOBBY: You're not safe here! History will repeat itself!
HARRY: You mean this has happened before?!
DAD: That's what repeat means, ya fucktard!
Bathroom
RON AND HERMIONE: -are going at it in the bathroom when Harry walks in-
SHELLY: No, that's what happens in your MIND, Katey.
KATEY: Jeeze, I just can't have any fun with this, can I, Shelly? It's just never good enough for you :P
RON AND HERMIONE: -are brewing illegal Polyjuice Potion. Illegally-
HARRY: Creevey's been petrified. Two down. Yes, I'm keeping count, STFU.
Duelling Club
LOCKHART: -gets told off by Snape-
HARRY: -duels Malfoy and learns he can talk to snakes-
RON: DUDE!
HARRY: -cries- I dunno what happened!
HERMIONE: God, Harry. You're such a fucking idiot!
Hallway
HARRY: -hears the voice again, follows it and finds Nearly Headless Nick and Justin Finch-Fletchly petrified-
FILCH: Oh, you are so PWNED!
McGONAGALL: OK, let's go see Dumbledore.
HARRY: -sees the Sorting Hat-
SORTING HAT: SLYTHERIN! SLYTHERIN!
HARRY: FUCK NO! YOU'RE WRONG!
SORTING HAT: ORLY?!
HARRY: ...this doesn't help my situation -.-
Bathroom
HARRY: OK, let's do this. -drinks Polyjuice Potion-
RON: Holy hell!
HERMIONE: Go without me!
RON AND HARRY: -assault Malfoy like a peanut and then head back-
HERMIONE: -is a kitty. Mrow-
SHELLY: What about Myrtle and the fifty years thing?
KATEY: Hey hey hey! My parody. I can leave things out too!
Bathroom Part Two
MYRTLE: -is upset. Someone threw a book at her-
HARRY: -grabs the book-
KATEY: THROUGH HER NOSE! FIFTY POINTS FOR ME! WOOOOOT!
Gryffindor Common Room
HARRY: -writes in the book, "meets" Tom Marvolo Riddle, who shows Harry a memory of Hagrid being "caught" for killing a student-
Courtyard
HARRY: -informs Ron and Hermione-
NEVILLE: AHH! HARRY, C'MERE!
TRIO: -follow Neville and find the entire boy's dorm destroyed-
HARRY: Dammit! The book's gone.
Quidditch
THE GAME: -is cancelled-
HERMIONE: -has been petrified-
RON: ...fuck :(
Hagrid's Hut
QUESTIONS: -aren't answered, but more are brought up!-
HAGRID: -is arrested-
DUMBLEDORE: -is suspended-
HAGRID: Follow the spiders!
RON: Why spiders? Why couldn't it be "follow the butterflies!"?
HARRY AND RON: -follow the spiders, meet Aragog, learn that Hagrid didn't open the Chamber of Secrets, are attacked by giant spiders (which nearly gives Ron a heartattack), are saved by the flying car and now know that the girl that was killed died in a bathroom-
Hospital Wing
HARRY: -strokes Hermione's hand-
HARRY/HERMIONE SHIPPERS: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!
HARRY: -finds a paper in Hermione's hand- Hmm, I wonder what this is...
THE PAPER: -explains what's in the Chamber of Secrets-
HARRY: It's a Basilisk! It kills people by looking at them, but everyone conveniently had something or someone to look at it through!
NEW HP FANS: ZOMFG, NOW WE KNOW WHAT IT IS AND HOW IT KILLS PEOPLE! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!
McGONAGALL: All students, get yo asses back to your Common Room. Teachers, get yo asses to the second floor.
HARRY AND RON: -pretend they're teachers and get their asses to the second floor-
Second Floor Corridor
McGONAGALL: Ginny Weasley has been taken into the Chamber of Secrets.
NEW HP FANS: ZOMFGNOSHE'!
McGONAGALL: Lockhart! Time to shine!
LOCKHART: Erm ... -takes off-
Lockhart's Office
HARRY AND RON: -bust in- Dude, we can get you into the Chamber!
LOCKHART: ... -packs-
HARRY: ...Where the hell are you going?
LOCKHART: Business meeting! Urgent. My bad!
RON: What about my sister?
LOCKHART: FUCK YO SISTA!
THE SCENE: -drags on-
LOCKHART: -comes out of the closet-
SHELLY: ...
KATEY: Wat?
SHELLY: Nothing. Never mind xD
HARRY AND RON: -force Lockhart into the Chamber of Secrets-
The Chamber of Secrets
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS: -is slimy, dirty, and smelly. Like your girlfriend's. BURN!-
LOCKHART: -steals Ron's wand even though it's having special problems-
SHELLY: You might wanna get that checked out...
KATEY: ...zomfg, you just made a dirty joke.
SHELLY: -beams- INORITE?!
RON: -feels emasculated without his broken wand-
LOCKHART: -casts a memory charm that backfires, collapsing the chamber, then seems right at home in the slimy, dirty, smelly chamber of secrets. Gives you a clue about the kind of women he dates-
RON AND LOCKHART: -are trapped-
HARRY: -gets off without them-
SHELLY: ...
KATEY: ...I guess your limit is one dirty joke a day, huh?
SHELLY: Yeah, I'm thinking so.
KATEY: ...oh, fine. Kill joy
HARRY: -goes off without them, finds Ginny unconscious, learns that she was doing everything for Tom Riddle, the Heir of Slytherin AND Lord Voldemort, fights a Basilisk, kills it, destroys the diary that he found in Myrtle's bathroom and defeats Tom Riddle. Grabs Ginny and GTFO-
Dumbledore's Office
DUMBLEDORE: -is back as Headmaster-
HARRY AND RON: -explain what happened-
DUMBLEDORE: -gives them Special Awards for Services to the School, tells Ron to get Hagrid out of Azkaban, talks to Harry about how Voldemort gave Harry some of his powers-
NEW HP FANS: Oh, OK, that makes sense and won't appear in the films ever again!
TRUE HP FANS: ...GTFO OF MY HOUSE!
MALFOY SNR: -bitches to Dumbledore-
DOBBY: -informs Harry that Malfoy Sneer gave Ginny the diary-
HARRY: -frees Dobby, who works for the Malfoy family-
MALFOY SNR: -takes it personally for some reason and tries to kill Harry-
DOBBY: -completely kicks Malfoy Sneer's arse-
The Great Hall
HERMIONE: -is back to normal, comes running through the hall and glomps Harry, then shakes Ron's hand. This obviously proves that she's crushing on him. Yes it does, dammit!-
RON/HERMIONE SHIPPERS: YES IT DOES, DAMMIT!
HAGRID: -shows up-
THE ENTIRE HALL: -applauds and then the movie ends-