Summary: In the first few weeks of her new life, Ruth spends far too much time thinking about the life she has left behind. (Ruth/Harry, series 5)
Disclaimer: Not my characters.
Notes: Written for inflightdata for Secret Santa 2008. Prompt was secret signs, a lost novel and the ocean.
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Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. – Lao Tzu
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In the first few weeks of her new life, Ruth spends far too much time thinking about the life she has left behind. She has no clear idea of what to do next; stuck in this limbo between worlds she finds herself longing for what could have been, what should have been, what will now never be.
She grows restless, feels a constant sense of irritation with everything around her, and doesn't realize she is slowly sinking into depression. Her appetite is here one day, gone the next. She struggles to sleep and spends most nights listening to the ocean crash against the shore. What little sleep she finds is haunted by trains and blood and Oliver Mace.
One morning she looks in the mirror and doesn't recognize the face staring back at her. Too pale, too thin, too sad.
She turns away and walks out the cottage. The beach is empty and she walks slowly to the water's edge. Glancing backwards, she sees her footprints in the sand and has never felt more alone.
The water splashes her ankles; it is colder than she expected and she springs back.
And smiles.
She is awake now. The wind is cool against her skin, blowing her hair about her face and she can almost taste the salt of the ocean. She realizes a moment later it is not the sea; she is crying for the first time since she waved goodbye to Harry on that awful morning.
She has not known until now how badly she needed to cry.
When she walks back into the cottage her heart feels lighter, and she knows she will get through this.
**
Harry walks through Ruth's house once before everything is packed away. He wanders from room to room, imagining her everywhere. His most vivid memories of her are in the kitchen: he pictures her on the telephone that night that she called so late and asked him to come over. He remembers wanting her to phone again another night with the same request, but for a different reason. He wishes now that she had, or that he'd had the courage to call her instead.
He has a more recent memory: a conversation while making tea and a promise that everything would work out. He hates that he couldn't keep his promise to her, not the way that he wanted to. She is alive and free, yes, but the cost was everything she had ever known, everyone she had ever loved.
Her cats seem unimpressed with his presence in the house. One of them is curled up on the couch, nose tucked under his tail. The other is perched on top of the bookshelf, yellow eyes watching Harry's every move. He's never been able to remember which one is which. He hopes Scarlett won't mind the new additions to his household. This, at least, is a promise that is easy to keep.
There is something sticking out between the side of the bookshelf and the wall. He pulls the book free and turns it over in his hands, wondering how many times Ruth read it and if she'd known it had been lost. He puts it on top of the bookshelf, next to the cat he suspects might be Fidget.
Ruth is lost to him now; he needs to accept that.
**
At first, he wonders if he is imagining it. When he looks at the date, he reconsiders. It is exactly one year to the day that he kissed Ruth goodbye, and for the first time since then he allows his heart to hope.
There is an advert for a Charlie Chaplin film festival in his inbox. The sender advises him to book his trip to Paris through Grand Tour Europe and provides a telephone number. A Google search reveals no such film festival exists; neither does the travel agency.
He decides to take a walk along the Embankment, and calls the number from a public telephone.
He doesn't realize how nervous he is until he hears her voice on the line, and he can breathe again.