this will end messy
Characters: Serena Hamilton, Phil Tempest
Summary: The breakup hurts them both.
Companions: in our old familiar place
Timeline: Post-Promised Day
Dedicated to Narnia49
The first thing he realised was that the colours of the flowers he always saw when he went to work were no longer as bright as they used to be. He first chalked it up as side effect of the blow he had taken to the head but as weeks passed, the colours did not return. All in all, life seemed to become more and more gray as thick clouds started to cover up the sun all the time.
He cursed under his breath as he walked back to his new apartment through the pouring rain, remembering a better time, a time when he had known someone with an umbrella that would be there without a fail as soon as the first raindrop fell.
But this was over and ever since it had ended, there was no hour when he did not wish for it to come back because he had been happy. But this had been yesterday and this was today. And if he considered all of this rationally, he always remembered that he had had to leave because otherwise, it might be very well that one of them would be dead by now.
But he did not want to be the reasonable one.
He wanted her back even though the bruises had barely faded away.
Loving her had been like loving the sun. Getting too close meant to burn but he would rather burn and bleed instead of feeling the regret for a love he had not had the courage to admit – especially since this regret was a stab to his heart every time he saw her somewhere and they still worked in the same office even though they hardly spoke with each other anymore.
He sometimes wondered whether the breakup would have been easier if it had not been her, if it had been not someone he had loved for the longest part of his life – if it had been someone who had not mattered more than the rest of the world to him. Then again, he took relationships very seriously and unless he was truly in love, he would never start one.
He looked up as he passed her apartment building before he stopped and unlocked the door. It was not like he needed the thrill of pain he felt whenever she entered his field of vision but she still had a few of his things and at one point or another, he would have to get them anyway.
The apartment looked exactly the way it had looked that night with the exception that the door was repaired and that the chairs rearranged as well. It looked the way it had looked when they had moved in and everything had been fine. It was a perfect illusion of 'nothing has changed'.
He called out to his ex-girlfriend but the only answer he got was the sound of a shower running and so instead of saying hello, he started to gather the things he had left behind. He was just picking up a book his sister had given him for his birthday not too long ago as he heard the familiar pattern of footsteps and turned around – instantly wishing he had not done this.
Serena was, while beautiful as always, wrapped only into her towel with water dripping from her hair and yet, this was not what distracted him. Without makeup or clothes that conveniently covered them, the bruises their fight had left on her formed a strong contrast to her pale skin. He started at a particularly ugly gash on her calf and remembered – Serena staggers backwards, finally falling and landing in the shreds of the vase she has thrown at him minutes ago – they way this had happened. And, holy shit, those bruises on her shoulder that came from how he had thrown her off his back as she had first snapped and lost it.
"You are staring," she stated coolly as she crossed her arms. "Why are you here in first place?"
He held up the book as he did not trust his own voice. "I came to get my things," he replied after a moment as he bent down to get another book from the floor. "I will be gone in a few minutes."
"That's good," she replied as she leaned against the doorframe, hissing in pain as the wood connected with the bruises. "I have hardly any space for my own books."
He frowned as he listened to her. "You sound … strange," he stated. "You didn't cry, did you?"
"Jeez, charming as always," she said. "But yes, you are right. I did cry – as I have any right to."
"Of course, of course," he said absentmindedly. "I mean, sure, we have been friends for nearly two decades … that hurts a lot. I can understand that."
Blue eyes widened before they suddenly became tear-filled. "Y-you shouldn't have come," she whispered as her gaze became accusing. "Really, Phil, why are you hurting me so?"
He sighed as he rested the books on the table. "No random attacks, yes?" he asked before he gently hugged her. "Look, stop crying. It will be alright … I … I promise."
She desperately clung to him as she trembled. And he started to understand what all of this had been about. Serena was still Serena and no matter how much she trusted him, she had still trouble with sharing her feelings and thoughts because she was afraid of being hurt again. And when even she reached her breaking point – and they had pushed each other's buttons a lot lately – all of those suppressed feelings just made her explode.
"I am here…" he said as he bit his lip. Up close, the injuries he had caused her in self-defence looked even worse but seeing her made him feel even guiltier. He had never had second thoughts about hitting a woman when she had attacked first but this had been Serena and in his wrath, he had turned against her and harmed her greatly. He had not been able to protect her from herself. He had broken his oldest promise – the promise he had never wanted to break.
All those years, they had been the odd ones, those the others had not understood. It had started shortly after they had met and he had been patient enough to wait for her to talk. He had been the very first to see strength in Serena, in Serena who had always seemed to thin and fragile. In a way, this was right. She broke easily if she was pressured too much but mostly, he had protected her. He had been her fortress.
A fortress she had burned down as she had snapped.
"What … what are we?" she asked tiredly as she rested her forehead against his.
He hesitated for a moment. "An unfulfilled promise," he said. "A promise we didn't keep because we were scared … and too proud to admit this."
"How … how did this happen to us?" she asked, blue eyes empty and searching. "We … we were strong, always. We stayed a team as even Armstrong and Llewellyn parted ways. I had thought that we would be able to keep holding on to what we once had…"
"The thing about Bendix and Armstrong was that no matter what would happen and no matter how many years pass since they last walked together, he would always have his ways to keep her safe and sheltered from any storm," he replied. "I am not like him … I have to be there to hold you … and I guess that we walked away from each other while we stood next to each other."
"And yet … it is still there, isn't it?" she asked. "The bond…"
"I really would hate to kill the mood but if Jade and Lynn can be friends with half the country in between of them, we can also be still friends," he said. Though none of them would ever admit it, losing to their older sisters in any sort of competition was out of question – especially over something like this.
Serena stared right into his eyes and this was the thing about her. Serena hated losing in any forms and shapes. Losing a friend or a lover was out of question for her because this would mean that she was not made for relationships of any kind and she disliked admitting that she could not do something. And Phil had been her best friend and her lover. She could not lose him.
The breakup had hurt her immensely – far more than the bruises and scratches. She was used to physical pain because in her childhood, she had been just as wild as her sisters and no one she knew had the same punch as Lynn. The point was: she could handle physical pain far better than most women and this was what made her one hell of a good officer. The only thing she was weak against was heartbreak because this was something she had never had the chance to become immune to.
They had always shared everything, their tears and their joy because they held each other's heart ever since the day they had met. For years, they had been misunderstood because no one had understood why Phil rather cushioned Serena's fall instead of searching his own happiness and the other way around. Then, when they had started dating, people had believed that it made finally sense for them to focus on each other like that.
The only people who might understand were Olivier Armstrong and Bendix Llewellyn because they had also been ripped apart – with the exception that they had never stopped walking next to each other … even with a million miles between them.
"You … you can come back," she said because love was something she was willed to bring sacrifices for – especially when it was the only way to make her heart stop aching. "You can come back and we can start over. We cannot forget what we have done to each other, the pain we caused each other … but by staying apart, we hurt each other even more."
"I can come back … but you need to stop bottling your pain up … I don't want to have to strike you again," he replied. "I can hurt you … but I don't want to."
They had learned lessons. They had learned from three weeks of pain and hurt whenever they had seen each other somewhere. They had learned that sacrifices were necessary but that they had to have a reason. And for this reason, they had to admit now that without the other one, things simply did not work