AN: First fic alright? So don't expect it to be the best…but please, tell me what you think! And I'm sorry if this idea has already been used!
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any or it's characters. They all belong to Masashi Kishimoto. Yay.
Today, was not Lee's day, oh no siree. Why? Because, Gai sensei, after FIVE years, somehow got so sick, that he couldn't get out of the house. And after their tearful parting (disrupted by much sneezing on Gai's part), Gai sensei ordered that he, Neji, and Tenten train together for the day. Not that Lee complained much, he really thought that they needed the quality time together, but, it was just that he trained differently from them. Which brings us to the present…
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Lee paced back and forth, back and forth, until he decided to sit down under the tree that was just a few meters away from where his teammates sat. They had decided (as in, Neji and Tenten forced him) to take a quick break for awhile. Lee sighed. There was something strange; Tenten seemed to get more tired and hungry (not to mention angry) very easily at certain times. "Is her youth fading already?" Lee wondered.
He looked over at his friends again. Both of the said teammates were having a conversation on something. The fact that Neji, Neji, was having a conversation with anyone was enough to pique Lee's interest. And so, he strained his ears, trying to hear just what was making Neji talk.
Nothing except a few random words here and there could be heard, even if Lee strained his ears the hardest. However, Lee did hear the words, 'drugs', 'shoot', and 'think he was dieing'. Lee blinked. Was Neji doing or dealing illegal drugs? His teammate?!! As Lee's mind started to come up with wild ideas, a sudden burst of the word 'LOVE!!' broke all the ideas into pieces. The speaker was Tenten, but it wasn't her that Lee was gawking at. It was Neji. Why? Because he was actually smiling (well, his mouth was twitching up, that's about as close as it was gonna get)! Neji muttered something, but it was definitely not words of anger.
Lee froze. Tenten tired. Tenten hungry. Tenten and Neji talking about love. "It all makes sense now!" he thought excitedly. Lee jumped up and in a single leap, appeared inches from their faces.
"Tenten! Why didn't tell me that you are going to have a child!" Lee exclaimed ecstatically.
Coughing sounds ensued the silence as Tenten choked on orange she was eating. "Wh-what? –cough- Where did you –cough- hear that?!"
"Why, I figured that out!" Lee replied, oblivious to Tenten's reaction. "By the way, is Neji the father?"
And Neji's face underwent a split second spasm, so fast that even Lee wasn't sure if it was there. Then, it just went back into its normal 'I-honestly-don't-care' look. "Lee," Neji said calmly, "Just exactly what are you talking about?"
Lee was confused. "Why, exactly what I mean! It is so wonderful that the springtime of youth has come to you both!!"
It was that day that Lee found that Tenten had a wide variety of sounds in her arsenal as she began to make gasps and yelps that had no meaning. "Meh-me, and h-h-h-HIM?!" Tenten's face turned white as a sheet as she rocked back and forth, muttering, "The bruises! The bruises!!"
Neji narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Lee, are you on something? No, wait, did you take your medication this morning?"
Lee nodded vigorously. "Of course I did! If the doctors tell me to do something, I will! And I'm most definitely not on something. Though…why did you go into illegal drug trades?"
"What?! I-I, don't! Ahh! Don't change the subject!" Neji almost yelled (oh, never yelling, he was too 'cool' for that). His face was slightly flushed and he looked just a tad angry. "What are you talking about? I am most definitely NOT going to be a parent."
"Aww….don't try to trick me! I know that this is a fact! Tenten is proof! She's been getting tired more easily, and she's wants to eat more! And the words of love exchange I heard are definite signs!" Lee smiled, pleased with himself. Of course they would have to admit the truth now!
"Lee! I've never even hugged her before!" Neji said in an exasperated tone.
Lee was caught off guard at this. "Oh! So you've kissed her before? Wow Neji, I never would've thought! But still, how do you explain all the signs…hmm?"
Something reminiscent of a groan came from Neji as he hesitantly tried to explain. "Lee, I've never kissed her either, and the reason that Tenten is tired is…different from what you think it is. It's her…well…umm…"
A finger of accusation was pointed directly at Neji. "See! See!" Lee exclaimed, "The fact that you can't come up with an excuse makes it plain and clear that you're just trying to cover up!"
"No, I'm not trying to cover up. It's just that…well…" Neji face scrunched into a face of someone who was about to explain something unpleasant. He looked around quickly before brightening up. With a yank, he pulled Tenten up from rocking position and dragged her in front of Lee. "Here," he grumbled, "You explain."
Tenten's eyes immediately got back into focus and her face turned red. "ME?!! Explain, THAT of all things too HIM?!!" Neji merely nodded before sitting down. Tenten groaned unhappily before turning back to Lee. How could Lee know where he came from without knowing that? "Well Lee, I'm not going to have a kid any time soon."
"Hmmph! Don't lie to me Tenten! How do you explain yourself then? HMMM?!! Oh, by the way, can I be the godfather?" Lee had said all this as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Geeze, no wonder girls usually thought him a bit…creepy.
"Ggh, gggh, ughh!! You won't be the godfather Lee because there IS NO BABY!" Tenten exploded.
"Nu-uh! Then why are all mood-swinging and tired all the time!" Lee defended.
Tenten's face turned red and she started to rub the back of her neck. "Well, Lee, it's just something that all girls get okay?"
Lee sniffed. "No way! My precious Sakura-chan would never get whatever you got! She's too youthful for it!"
"Lee," Tenten groaned, "All girls get it when they turn 12! Well, give or take a few years."
Lee looked shocked and turned to Neji for conformation. He merely nodded, thinking that it was finally over.
All color drained from Lee's face. "No," he whimpered, "How can it be!!!" Both Neji and Tenten shrank back from his sudden outburst. "How can all girls have done it when they were so young and innocent?!!" He turned again to Tenten. "Why do you girls tainted yourself so young?"
Tenten blinked. "Lee, it's not really that bad once you get use to it…"
High pitched squeals began to escape Lee. "Tenten! I'm surprised that you girls don't all have sons and daughters yet!" He shook his head. "Oh why, oh why?"
"Uhh, Lee, are you on the same page as I am?"
"Oh purity tainted again and again so many times! But I must say, how did Hinata get up the courage to tell Naruto? After all, I can't picture her actually telling him…"
Neji lifted an eyebrow. "She never told him. He doesn't even know. Even though I told him that Hinata likes a guy with yellow hair, blue eyes, and a craving for ramen. The idiot thinks that she's a 4th Hokage fangirl."
"The 4th Hokage?!" Lee exclaimed incredulously, "How clueless --?" Then suddenly, Lee's eyes opened wide. "Wait a minute! If Naruto doesn't know! Then that means he couldn't have agreed!"
"Agreed to what Lee?"
He was seemingly ignored as Lee gave a gasp. "Then that means--! Hinata forced herself on--!"
The sentence remained unfinished as Lee was Jūkened right in the stomach. "Lee…" Neji muttered darkly, "How dare you?"
"What?" A flabbergasted Lee asked.
"How dare you think that a HYUGA would do that?!!" he exploded. Neji looked really freaky…lots of blood flowed to his face so can imagine how red that got! As an added plus, his byakugan was activated making little veins pop out everywhere. Oh, Neji wasn't mad, no, no; he was furious! Completely different matter really. Fingers cracking, he launched himself at Lee and proceeded to beat the pulp out of him.
Or at least he would have if Tenten didn't yell, "Wait! Just beat him during training, that way Gai-sensei won't complain either." Well why bother fighting logic? So Neji stopped.
Or he would have if Lee didn't yell, "Yay Tenten! You know how to control your lov—'' And the incomplete sentence is where Lee got hit. A lot.
59 hits, 143 insults, and 25 minutes later, Lee got back up. "Well then! I must find Sakura-chan and tell her to stop tainting herself! Farewell, my friends!" And with that Lee ran off in blinding speed.
"Wait! Lee! You don't still think that--! Ahh, nevermind," Tenten said before she sat back down. She looked up and saw that Neji too, was leaving. "Where are you going?"
"Drug store. Are you coming?"
She shrugged. Well, she didn't have anything better to do.
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Lee sped through town in a green blur, knocking a few poor bystanders down to the sidewalk. "Ooh! Where is Sakura-chan? Let's see, it's a Sunday, it's 3 o'clock, and the weather is sunny at 81 degrees with a slight breeze…hmm. –mental gasp- She must be at the Yamanaka Flower Shop!" And so, Lee took a reeling turn down the sidewalk and ran towards where Sakura was supposedly.
Lee must have memorized Sakura's schedule no matter what the situation may be because she really was at the Yamanaka Flower Shop. She was talking to Ino, leaning casually against the counter with an annoyed Naruto in tow.
"Come on! Just because Kakashi-sensei said that we were going to train later today doesn't mean that we should just stand around!" Naruto exclaimed as he (unsuccessfully) tried to pull Sakura away from the pay counter.
"Naruto, shut up. I'm talking here! So anyways, I really think that your hair would look better – oh! Lee! What are you doing here?" Sakura blinked at the new arrival who looked like he was about to declare that a war was upon them.
Bandaged hands clasped hers and Lee's eyes got teary. "Lee, did something happen--?"
Lee took a deep breath before bursting out, "Oh Sakura-chan! Please do stop tainting yourself! It's not healthy!" Then he turned to Ino, "You too! Back me up Naruto!"
Naruto placed a well known look of confusion on his face. "Lee, what are you talking about?"
"Yeah, and what do you mean by 'tainting ourselves' hmm?" Ino put in.
"Do not pretend to be confused!" Lee said, shaking his head forcefully, "You know exactly what I'm talking about! You girls--! Well…" He looked around, and seeing that people were staring at the four of them, he leaned closer to Sakura and whispered the rest of the sentence in her ears.
Sakura's face immediately gained rising levels of red that would have shamed the tomato. "LEE!! WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!!" Her outburst made several people in the streets and in the flower shop jump and stare.
"Nothing to see here people, move along," Naruto said as he herded the onlookers away.
"I'M GOING TO MURDUR WHOEVER SAID THAT!!" Sakura yelled angrily.
"No Sakura-chan! Please don't kill Tenten!" Lee begged (on his knees too).
Sakura stopped mid-punch. "Wait, Tenten said that? Lee…are you sure that she meant that?"
Lee nodded vigorously. "Of course! I noticed that Tenten was going to have a child and then I forced her to explain everything to me!" Ahh, Lee and his silly fantasies.
Ino raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Tenten? The girl who hasn't even kissed a guy a yet? The girl who won't even wear a shirt with a deep neckline? Who do you think you're fooling Lee?"
"I'm serious! She showed all the signs! Plus, I'm quite sure that Neji is the father!"
Silence reigned, and crickets chirped. And then Ino disappeared behind the counter. Naruto looked over and saw that Ino was having a fit. She was in the exact same position she would be in if she was throwing a temper tantrum, flying limbs and all. Sobs of laughter followed a trail of tears. "Oh-oh-oh my –hahahah- gosh! O-o-oh my –hahaha- gosh! NEJI! HAHAHAHAHA! Who would've thought he had it in him?! Holy cr—hahaha!"
"What's so funny?" Lee asked with a frown.
"AHAHAHAHA!! Neji! A-a-and Tenten! AHAHAHAHA!!"
"Lee, just what are these 'signs' ("AHAHA! OMG!") that you're talking about?" Sakura asked.
"Why, there's the hunger, the wariness, and of course, mood-swings," Lee replied, ticking off each 'sign' on his fingers.
Sakura fell silent and furrowed her brows together, trying to think. After a few seconds of silence (except for, well, Ino's hysterical laughter), Lee turned Naruto, his face clearly wanting to ask him something. Naruto shifted uncomfortably as Lee seemed analyze him. "Hey, Bushy-brows, is there something on my face? Or do I have ramen stuck in my teeth?"
"No, no," Lee said with a shake or his head, "It's just that, why don't you seem disturbed?"
Naruto blinked. "Disturbed?! Why would I be?"
"Why, after Hinata forced herself on you…I would've expected you to be disturbed." At that moment, Ino, who had finally stopped laughing and was beginning to get up, fell back down. Once again, in a fit.
"AHAHAHA! Lee! You say the darnest things! HAHAHA!! Hinata! Whoo! You sure have a sense of humor! AHAHAHA!"
Naruto put his hand on Lee's forehead, and then mumbled something about it being normal temperature. "Bushy-brows, you did take your medicine this morning, right?"
Lee waved his hands in dismissal and exasperation. "Why is everyone asking me that today? Of course I did!"
"Okay then. Since it's not that, then I'm just going to think in a non-Ero-Sannin way and say in a naïve way everyone seems to expect me to talk in; by force herself on me, you mean accidentally push me, right Bushy-brows?"
"No, I mean the other way."
Naruto never answered. Why? Because he was cringing on the floor, muttering, "He's talking about perverted stuff, the apocalypse is coming! It's coming!"
"So Hinata didn't do that? Maybe it was Kiba she…" Lee thought.
"Lee," Sakura said, suddenly speaking up, "Did these so called 'signs' happen periodically?"
"Why, yes they did! How did you know Sakura-chan?"
"Because Lee, if they did, then that means Tenten did mean something else. So tell me, what did Tenten say word for word."
Lee stroked his imaginary goatee before answering. "I believe she said, 'All girls get it when they turn 12! Well, give or take a few years'. And the 'it' must be that taintful act you girls do! Oh why oh why!"
Sakura groaned, and opened her mouth to say something. However, she never started. Why? Because a dart filled with sedatives flew by Lee, and missed him by a hair. "What the –?"
She turned around, looking for the shooter. Sakura didn't need to look far, for the shooter was walking (angrily) into the flower shop. It was Neji with a tranquilizer gun. A Tenten whose face was redder than anyone thought physically possible stalked in behind him.
"I can't believe he said that to you guys!" she said despairingly.
Ino stood up, finally done guffawing her head off. "Haha, you and Neji having a kid, that's some quality humor right there!"
"So," Neji said quietly, "What else did you say to them Lee?"
"He said that all girls did it when they were 12 or 13, basing it off something YOU said Tenten," Sakura stated. Tenten groaned and banged her head against the counter.
"H-h-he also said that Hinata, Hinata of all people, forced herself on me! In the perverted way too!" Naruto added from his fetal position on the floor. At this, Neji's eye twitched.
"Lee, don't you understand yet that you've got it all wrong?"
"No, not really."
"Lee!" And so, Neji finally cracked. He placed another dart within the gun and proceeded to point it in Lee's face.
"Meep!"
Lee just barely dodged the dart which ended up lodged in the Yamanaka Flower Shop's walls. "Hey! Watch where you're firing those things! We are in my family's shop you know!" Ino yelled. Neji did not answer as he was too busy loading another round in the tranquilizer.
"I was going to save these for Hiashi-sama's outbursts, but it looks like I'll have to shoot you instead!" Three shouts whooshed out, one removing a tuft of hair from Lee.
"Neji! Please stop!" Lee begged, as he ran to Tenten, "Tell your lov—ugg"
"You idiot!" Tenten shouted as she punched Lee in the stomach, "I told you that we weren't going to have a kid! And the 'it' I was talking about is a COMPLETELY different matter!" She grabbed Lee's head and slammed it against the floor. "Were you born with this idiocy?!" Tenten yelled as she repeated forced poor (well, sorta) Lee's head against the tiled floor.
"But Tenten!" Lee cried, "I'm just telling the truth! Owie!"
"Gahh!!" Tenten picked Lee up and flung him against the wall.
"Erm…can I cut in?" Sakura asked shyly. Neji and Tenten gave a nod.
"Well…you see Lee…"
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It had taken awhile, but Lee finally got it. He now fully understood the real reason why Tenten was so moody and tired…periodically. At first, he had shaken his head, and it then took an hour to remove him the girls' feet, praising them for their bravery over…well you know,
-cough- it. As for right now, Lee was happily skipping along Neji, who was on his way home.
"Now that I know about, that, I know exactly what to get for my dear mother's birthday!" Lee said joyfully.
"And that something is…?" Neji asked reluctantly, not sure if he REALLY wanted to know.
"Painkillers for the before, and the 'supplies' for the whole process!" Lee replied as he turned down the street to his home.
Neji froze. He couldn't mean…could he? He shook off the shock and continued down the road. He needed some hot tea when he got back to the Hyuga compound. A lot of tea.
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What they were REALLY talking about
"So…Neji, how's Hinata taking this whole 'becoming a woman' thing?" Tenten asked offhandedly as they took a short break from training.
Neji scoffed. "Better than Hiashi-sama, that's for sure. You'd think being a Jounin and all he'd be used to seeing blood. But no, I have to get to drugs from the pharmacy and then shoot him with the tranquilizer gun just so he'll calm down. The way he's screaming, you'd think he was dieing or something! And the way he's forcing Hinata to hurry up and choose someone to marry…"
"Hard to love your daddy after those stunts!" Tenten snickered.
A twitch in the mouth upwards replaced Neji's usual frown. "That's for sure."
A/N: Well that's the end! Please click the little review button and take a minute or a few seconds to write one! Once again, I apologize to anyone whose idea I may have accidentally copied…I couldn't have read ALL 200,000 Naruto fics.