Harry Potter and the Deathly Twilight
Harry stood solemnly on the hills beyond the Hogwarts grounds, Ron and Hermione behind him. The setting sun cast eerie shadows around them, darkening the foliage that surrounded the young spellcasters. They said nothing, watching as the Death Eaters ravaged what remained of the great school. The Dark Mark, clear in the sky, seemed to smirk at them, at their failure to return in time to save Hogwarts.
Finally Ron broke the silence. "It's not your fault, Harry. The Portkey should have been there for us to return here. Don't blame yourself, mate."
Harry turned to face him. "The only reason Voldemort is here is because of me. They are dying because of me." Without another word, he walked quickly toward the school, wand out.
He was halfway down the hill when he saw him. Out of the shadows of the trees emerged Edward Cullen, vampire heartthrob.
"What the bloody Hell?" Ron stared at the golden-eyed vampire. "Robert Pattinson? You were killed back in book four!"
"Yea, well. You know how it is." He ran his hand through his gel-caked hair and smiled dangerously. "But now I'm a vampire. I no longer drink pumpkin juice." He looked over the three dumbstruck wizards and witch and chuckled darkly, walking closer towards them.
Harry sighed loudly. "Look man, I'm kind of on a tight schedule. Could you possibly go be creepy somewhere else?"
"Ah, but where's the fun in that?" Edward shot forward and bit into Harry's wrist, infusing him with his vampire poison, and quickly moved on to Hermione and Ron, leaving them crying with pain as he disappeared into the shadows.
Slowly the trio woke up and discovered themselves as vampires. Not only vampires, but super-sexy Cullen Clan vampires. And they had powers.
Ron grinned broadly, having discovered his talent was to be able to eat as much as he wished without getting full or fat. "Wicked!" he exclaimed, cramming Twinkies into his mouth.
"This is just, just fabulous!" Hermione squealed, showing off her new ability to memorize and analyze puzzles and stories with ease. "I won't have to ever buy a book again! I can store them all in my brain!"
Harry, of course, was granted the most extreme and dazzling gift of all. He laughed like a madman as he threw Enchanted Fire from his palms into a nearby tree, turning it to stone. "This is so much easier than using a wand! Let's go kick some Death Eater butt!" He ran down the hill to the doors of the demolished school where the battle was still raging inside.
"Ron, you daft dimbo! Eat later!" Hermione rolled her eyes and followed Harry into what remained of their prestigious school.
They walked calmly through the school, Harry turning all Death Eaters to stone and Ron, still eating, getting nagged by Hermione. They made their way up the long staircase to the clock tower where Voldemort watched the battle.
He-who-must-not-be-named turned around and gasped when he saw the newly made vampires. "Good lord, you look more satanic than I do! And I don't have a nose!"
Harry gave old Voldy the death stare, flashing his red eyes, and was satisfied by the disgust in Voldemort's eyes. "Feeling lucky, punk?" He asked quietly, barely audible over Ron munching on Cheetos in the background.
Riddle laughed crazily, but the fear in his eyes was unmistakable. "I have the Elder Wand. You are no match against me. You may have defeated my followers, but I am all-pow-" He was stopped, mid-sentence, having been turned to stone by Harry. Harry bellowed a war cry, his skin shimmering like a thousand raindrops in the dawn light.
All the Hogwarts students and teachers, filled with joy and relief, threw a marvelous party for the Three Vampires, changing the Gryffindor emblem to a picture of Kristen Stewart.
And they all lived happily ever after, except for the poor souls who were placed in Stewart House that next year.