Title: Considerations of a Genius.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit made.
Rating: PG
Summary: It's amazing how quick people are to assume that shy equals clueless.
A/N: Have you ever sat down, opened the post page at 04:18am with a tooth ache and just wrote? That's what this is. I've warned you.
Spencer Reid would be the first to admit that he doesn't do very well in social situations. The only time during his formative years that he had any one on one interaction with his peers were times he'd rather not remember; not that he had that choice.
But, he often wondered if he should be offended by the common assumption that he couldn't understand the complexities of human behavior. Not only was his understanding of other's actions in no way connected to his own inability to function, but he had a degree in psychology. He was a profiler. By all counts, he was a genius.
And yet people still expected him to be blind when someone shows signs of being romantically interested in him. It didn't make sense.
Though, in fairness, it wasn't so much Hotch's actions that gave his attraction away, but rather his re-actions; especially in comparison to others.
When Spencer talked, he talked. Of this he was aware but on the rare occasion that he didn't say only those things he, apparently falsely, believed were relevant it was due to the fact that his intellect was his greatest defense when he felt intimidated, belittled or in any way put down. The usual reaction to this was being abruptly cut off. He didn't mind, he understood why they did it, he even understood the need they felt to follow the interruption with some form of well meant denigration of his intelligence.
But Hotch, he never insulted, he never said anything. Just "Reid." That was it. He never let Spencer believe his interruption was anything less than a professional necessity and Spencer - even before noticing the first signs of attraction - had always appreciated that. Just as he'd appreciated the slight glint of regret he saw in Hotch's eyes. Just knowing that the other man disliked making him feel foolish was enough to completely negate that insecurity.
The second thing that gave Hotch away was the way he listened when Spencer's words actually were usefull. Everyone else would stare at him, maybe throw in the occasional confussed, impressed or sometimes slightly freaked out expression.
But not Hotch. Hotch would fix him with eyes so intense it was almost enough to make Spencer falter. It was a stare that didn't fail to ensure Spencer that he, at that moment, held Hotch's complete attention. It also held the warmth and sparkle of something akin to ... pride.
There was something else, but that really wasn't something he did; it was something he'd stopped doing. Be it a pat on the shoulder, a hand of the small of his back or even a hug, Hotch - while not overly touchy - had never shied away from the odd comforting or congratulatory gesture. But, right around the time Spencer had, much to his shock and disbelief, began seeing the signs, the gestures had stopped.
He knew, intellectually, what Hotch was doing. He was overcompensating in the face of the guilt only a recently divorced, assumed heterosexual man realizing romantic feelings for his younger, male subordinate could feel.
Intellectual undestanding, however, didn't prevent disappointment.
There were more signs of course, but they were subtle. Instincts and vibes that were hard to mentally articulate but were present non the less. All of this led to the conclusion that, shortly before his divorce (which Spencer didn't even contemplate may have been down to him) and despite his hopeful yet severely pessimistic disbelief, Aaron Hotchner had romantic feelings for him, Spencer Reid.
Unfortunately, where others may have been wrong about his abilities regarding the detection and understanding of human behavior, they were most certainly correct in their estimation of his abilites to manage his own behavior, his own reactions.
That's how he ended up sitting on the plane, over five years after realizing the potential for more with Hotch, spouting out statistics on the common grieving period of divorced men in the desperate hope that nobody would realize the pain and self loathing he felt just considering the fact that Hotch was dating.
According to Rossi, this Beth was a nice woman. He knew, deep in his heart that Hotch deserved happiness, he deserved it more than anyone Spencer had ever met.
He just wished that, as good as he was at detecting these things, his own shortcomings hadn't cost him his chance to be the person making Aaron Hotchner smile like he was.