CHAPTER ONE:

California.

Emily can hear only noise, crushing, squealing, sirens wailing and people, hurrying, crying, screaming. She can only see, vaguely, through eyes that are shutting through exhaustion, shock and pain the vague blue lights of the ambulance, recognisable just before it turns into the rippling blue calm of a pool as she slips into unconsciousness. Her last thoughts are for her family, for her friends, for the people she's loved, and for those who she never will get to love as the blue light changes to a blinding white.

The paramedics are scrambling through the wreckage of the bus. A vague desire is becoming an urgent need, to at least find one, one whom they can save, one whom they can redeem and who will redeem them. As they scurry from body to body, exhausted, scared, at last one comes upon a hope,

"Oh, God. I think this one's alive. I think this one's alive. Oh God. Oh God, please." He feels Emily's pulse, takes a look at her broken, twisted body. Yells over the noise and his own fear, "Over here! Over here!"

XXXXX

Eighteen months later. Pennsylvania.

Semester of her third year about to start, Paige is determined this will be her year. She's going to anchor the relay and record the best times she can in the 100 and 200 butterfly, and challenge for the freestyle. She's solo-captain this year too, thanks to Robinson's backing out, but she can handle it, Coach thinks she can handle it, she's ready. So, she's determined to put in the extra hours in the gym, convinced that upping her weight programme will improve her times. It's the main reason she and Holden have been working out at the gym all summer. Today though, Paige notices Coach Brennan's light on, even thought it's two weeks before term starts, and it bothers her.

"Wonder what's going on in there."

Holden's struggling underneath the bar that Paige is supposed to be spotting him for. He grunts,

"I mean, what she's doing? She doesn't normally turn up until a week before term starts. What's she planning?"

"Uh, Paige?"

Paige suddenly remembers what she's supposed to be doing there. Grabs the bar with two hands and lifts it up onto its support.

"Geez, Holden, you're such a wimp."

"Thanks." He gets up, wiping his neck and face with his towel. "Why are you so bothered by her being in?"

"I don't know. It's just odd is all." Paige rubs the back of her neck with her left hand, "just makes me feel uncomfortable. I mean, as Captain, she should include me in some of her decisions, right?"

Holden raises an eyebrow sceptically,

"I don't think that's how it works."

Paige nods agreement, smiles wryly,

"You're probably right."

After showering and changing, Paige is waiting for Holden outside in the corridor, reading the notice boards. As Holden emerges he swings his duffle–bag into her.

"Anyway, you need to concentrate less on your Coach's whims and more on your own. When are you gonna settle down and make some lovely lady very happy?"

Paige laughs at him,

"What, like you and Aria? Yeah, no, I don't think that's gonna happen any time soon."

As she's in the process of speaking, Coach Brennan's door opens and she steps out, followed by a girl, she's about Paige's height, around her age, dark-haired and Paige would have said she was a swimmer, except she's carrying too much weight, but the breadth of the shoulders, the tell-tale gait, all point towards it. Even thought it's warm, she's covered up with a light sweater, skinny jeans and converse. She's stooping as if to ward off intrusive glances, keeps her head down. She looks briefly behind her, hearing voices, and for a moment, catches Paige's eye. Both half-smile, look away. Paige pausing momentarily, something about her looks familiar, but she shakes it off as Holden chuckles lightly in Paige's ear,

"I'm sorry, what's that you were saying?"

Paige spins, quickly swats him on his arm, catching him off balance so he stumbles. In the commotion, both forget the girl, forget Coach Brennan, as Holden chases Paige down the hall towards the exit, where they head off into town.

XXXXX

The following week, Paige gets a message to meet with Coach Brennan. She's a little apprehensive, unsure why she'd be called in now, before term has even started, but can't think of a reason why it would be bad. Her grades at the end of the year were nothing to write home about, but they were solid. Her times were good and getting better. She shrugs worry off as she's standing outside Coach's office door, deciding that it's more than likely that Coach has decided she needs a Vice-Captain and to run her choice by her.

"Paige, come in."

Paige rocks forward on her toes, bouncing slightly, smiles, stuffs her hands in her hoodie pockets and steps into the room.

"Sit down. How are you?" Brennan smiles at Paige, trying to keep her relaxed. She's got a big favour to ask and she's pretty aware that Paige isn't going to like it. "You're looking good, Paige, strong. You been following that program I gave you?"

Paige leans forward in her chair so she's resting her forearms on Coach's desk,

"Thanks. Yeah, yeah. I think it's gonna make a difference, you know. I feel good. I've been doing some running too. I like it. Helps me clear my head, you know?"

Coach Brennan nods.

"Good –" but Paige is slightly flustered, a little worried, so she bowls on,

"Um, yeah. I feel really good. Like, better than ever before a swim season starts. I think I'm gonna hold the anchor position down this season."

She smiles, blinks, waiting for a response. Coach Brennan clears her throat.

"Ok, Paige. That's kind of what I wanted to talk about." She looks steadily at Paige, considers if her decision is the right one.

When Paige first came to the college, she was cocky, kind of arrogant. With some reason, she was the best swimmer in her state and if Brennan's honest, it was something of a coup to get her to the university on the best scholarship she could wangle. But her success at swimming, honed in part by her father, was at the expense of some humanity. And Coach is considering how Paige has changed in the years she's been under her care. She's mellowed, softened, let her soft side show some more. It suits her.

At first, Brennan tried it as an experiment, making Paige first co-Captain, then, when her co- gave up half-way through the year, giving her the full responsibility and it's worked, it's given Paige a confidence in herself not just her swimming. She's had to take some responsibility for the care of the girls on the team. She has to be relied on, she's had to learn what motivates them, what scares them. Brennan relies heavily on her Captains, they have to be the eyes and ears in the locker room, to relay her wishes and her tactics, but also to have the ear of the team, to have the strength and confidence to let her know when the team is unhappy, or if someone needs a kinder word or a kick up the ass. So Brennan's always been honest with Paige. Always tried to be a role model to her as much as anyone.

Paige looks up at her expectantly, clear gaze. Brennan sighs,

"Ok. We're welcoming someone new onto the team." She watches for a reaction, so far nothing except a quizzical crinkle of the brow. "She's a third year, like you, although a couple of years older."

"Ok," said slowly, pondering the meaning, "she transferring?"

"Kind of." Paige watches as her Coach shuffles in her chair. Paige trusts Brennan implicitly, has since the moment they met. "You may remember a year, 18 months ago, the coach crash with the CSU student swim team?"

Paige nods, of course she remembers, anyone who even remotely had an interest in swimming remembers. Parents remember, friends remember, because it was the worst thing anyone could think to happen. A coach full of the brightest and the best, hand-picked to be hand-moulded, polished and worked to within an inch of their lives to become the next big thing, the swimming stars of the next generation. Rumour was they had a shot at becoming the swim team for the Rio Olympics. All wiped out. One clear, bright, cold afternoon, on the way to a meet, their coach hit a patch of black ice and careered off the road, all killed instantly, driver, coaches, future superstars of swimming. All except one. Emily Fields. Paige presses her fingers to her eyes, she knows who it is, this mysterious transfer student.

"Fields? Here? Wh – why?"

Coach Brennan laughs at her obvious confusion,

"Well, thanks for the support for my program, Paige."

"Uh, no, no that's not what I meant. But, she could go anywhere."

"Yeah. She could. But she's chosen to come here." Coach shrugs, "She has a friend from High School here, someone she's close to, that was a major factor in her decision."

Coach is watching Paige closely. She knows she's no fool. She knows she's starting to work out what it means for her if Emily Fields is coming to this College on a full-ride scholarship and a guaranteed spot on the team. She watches as Paige thinks, goes to say something, sighs and drops her head.

"Oh." She looks Coach in the eye. "So. Anchor goes to - ?"

"I'm sorry, Paige, as long as she gets her times up, of course."

"Sure. So, what about my butterfly? That safe?"

"Yes, Paige. And I still want you on my relay team."

"Sure. Just. Not as anchor. Captain?"

"Paige, I would never take Captain off you. You're too good and too valuable to me. And another thing." Paige groans, "I'm gonna need you to support her. She's still pretty out of shape and fragile. She's going to need support and a friendly eye. Someone to sound off to when I push her. Because I'm gonna have to push her. Hard."

Paige glares at her Coach. What she wants to do is what she would have done as a teenager, to sound off, to shout and bitch about how unfair it is. How hard she's worked the last two years, just like she promised when she first turned up here. How she's done everything Brennan's ever wanted. How she's learned and watched and waited for her moment. And now. Not only does she not have a moment, she also has to be a baby-sitter to some has-been superstar. Paige can only imagine what kind of a brat Fields is going to be.

But Paige takes a deep breath, she's different now. She's not that person anymore, the one who would fight and kick out and it's taken hard work and a lot of patience from the Coach for one and she's not about to let her down. So she sighs and nods her head slightly.

"Ok." Brennan gives her a genuine smile.

"Thank you."

"So. Is she, um, ok? I heard she was in a pretty bad way."

"She was. Still is in some ways. She's only just getting back in the water. But, the body is a miraculous thing, Paige. The body doesn't lie."

Coach's favourite saying. Paige smiles resignedly back at her.

"Sure, Coach."

Dismissed, Paige leaves her office, disappointment dogging her steps. But she'll do what she can; for the good of the team, for the good of the Coach. Paige just hopes she doesn't end up hating both the Coach and Emily Fields by the end of the season.

XXXXX

She cycles slowly through town back to the house she shares with Holden and Aria off-campus. She's known Holden forever, ever since he was the scrawny kid in 6th grade, the one who was regularly picked on; the one bullied and dumped in the garbage. She watched for a while, then her natural sense of justice kicked in when she witnessed a particularly vicious attack. She tried to help him, wading in, fists flailing, pulling hair, not even knowing what the fight was about, but knowing enough that it was unfair and wrong. Ever since then, they've been inseparable. Holden was the one who held her when, 14 years old, she had her epiphany that the reason she blushed and got tongue-tied around the girl in her swim team, was that she liked her. He held her again when she finally came out to her parents and her dad didn't speak to her for three months. She was the one who called him out on his stupid hair-cut; who encouraged him to train and try for Tang Soo Do and who watched him get his ass kicked in competitions until eventually, he stopped getting his ass kicked and instead, started to win them. He's done the same for her, every swim meet he could get to, even the shitty inter-school ones in NYC, he's seen them all.

It became almost inevitable that they'd apply for the same colleges, and, when they had offers, conferred and chose the same one. Holden had become more than family to her in the last couple of years of High School, once her dad had practically disowned her, only letting her stay in his house to save face and to placate her mom.

She'd been the one to meet Aria. They're majoring in the same subjects, English and Film Studies. Paige encouraged Holden to ask Aria out during the holidays of their first semester after she got fed up of him mooning over her. They've been together ever since and although Paige spends a lot of time with them, they never make her feel like the third wheel. It was inevitable they'd move in together, the three of them. Like Aria said, who else was going to put up with Paige's crazy and who else would she live with that didn't make her crazy.

As she's cycling by along Main Street, she finds herself thinking about Emily and has a sudden reminder of a training video her dad got her, back before he started freezing her out, when his main obsession was her swimming career rather than her sexuality. It was a video her private coach had got of Emily Fields, at 14, a competition video that he'd taken. Her dad made her watch it, kept reminding her, "this is your competition, remember that, watch her, learn from her, anything you can do to make you better, better than this, better than her".

Paige wobbles slightly, steadies herself, remembering how she obsessively watched the video. With the benefit of hindsight, Paige thinks, it wasn't purely for swimming reasons she was obsessed with the video. She remembers being in awe of the girl in the video, her speed and power, but also her grace as she moved, both on and off land. She snaps herself out of her reverie, considering the same thing as before, about what a brat Emily Fields probably is now. How damaged she must be.

XXXXX

Aria's the only one home when she gets there. As Paige enters the front room of the little house, she takes off her messenger bag and flings it on the couch, loudly groaning as she slumps down into the cushions. Aria peers round the kitchen door,

"Ok, Mrs Drama-Queen. How'd it go with Coach? You off the team?"

"Don't even joke about it."

For a moment, Aria looks worried, her brown eyes widening in surprise, until Paige gives her a reassuring smile,

"Nah, don't worry. I'm still on the team. I'm still Captain – still solo Captain I'd like to add – only now I've got to baby-sit one Emily Fields."

She pauses, waiting for Aria to cotton on. She doesn't. Paige sighs,

"Swim team crash? CSU? The brightest and best of a generation wiped out?" Aria remembers, nods, "yeah, well, all except one."

"Ok. And that one is –?"

She looks expectantly at Paige, who gives a rueful smile,

"Yeah, coming here. Onto our swim team. Coach sure does want to win the divisionals this year." She shakes her head.

Aria perches next to Paige on the couch,

"So, what does that mean for you?"

"Oh, nothing, just a loss of the anchor for the relay and baby-sitting duty." She pauses dramatically,

"Doesn't sound so bad."

"Oh, come on, Aria. What kind of an insufferable brat is she gonna be? All those Sports Illustrated articles, the incessant hype, the future generation blah, blah, blah."

"Um, I don't mean to interrupt your rant, Paige, but, she has lived through some kind of nightmare."

Paige rubs the back of her neck and sighs,

"I know. And it makes it worse. 'Cause, I can't even bitch about her now."

Aria laughs and stands up, giving Paige a playful shove on her arm,

"C'mon, Superstar, you'll be fine." She turns back to her as she reaches the kitchen, "who knows, she may be alright. You have to at least give her the benefit of the doubt."

Paige makes a sound halfway between a scoff and a laugh.

"Yeah, ok, I know, I'll be mature about it." Waits a beat, "hey, though! What are you making me for dinner?"

Paige ducks, grinning, as an oven glove comes sailing out of the kitchen.

XXXXX

Two weeks after her interview and Emily makes sure she's standing at the margins, the edges, where she feels safe and comfortable. Her eyes hit the floor, she's scared of what her eyes show now, scared of what others can see there. For years before, she was the centre of attention, the focus – for swim meets, for magazine covers, for prospective scouts, for her positions on the podium. So, today, she's trying to slip under the radar, positioning herself at the back of the warm locker room, where she can be the observer rather than the observed.

She looks around the group of girls gathered in front of their Coach, all listening, watching expectantly. And Emily has to admit, having heard the best, that Brennan isn't bad. She's tough, but warm, seems like she'll give those who need it a hard time, but not afraid to put a friendly arm around shoulders. Emily thinks of her own damaged and scarred shoulders. Two years ago, they were strong, a few creaks here and there, but what championship level swimmer doesn't have some aches and pains, doesn't need some kind of surgery or pain-killers. Hers are held together with metal and wire now, muscle taut and damaged, thick scarring from the crash winds around the shoulders and the rest of her body. She used to be proud of her body. It was a thing to be admired. Now she's too aware of how fragile it is, just skin and bone easily broken, torn and shattered. Now her muscles are hidden under a layer of flab and she knows it's going to hurt so much to regain what she had before – if she even can, if she even wants to.

She looks around the locker room again, aware that the pep talk is coming to an end, Brennan's ramping up the team talk, signing off with a call and response common in all locker rooms – designed to create a feeling of togetherness, team responsibility – phrases that she'll have to learn if she's to become truly part of it. She suddenly realizes that Brennan has come to the end of her talk and is now making the introductions of the new team members. This is the moment she was dreading, she watches, feels herself blushing as she waits,

"So, team, we'll learn who's swimming what and where over the course of the coming month. I just want to introduce someone who you should get to know pretty well – Paige McCullers, your team captain."

Emily looks up, surprised to see the girl that she noticed coming out of the gym when she was having her interview, the one fooling around with her boyfriend, stand up, confidently take a bow and salute, grinning,

"Hi. Hey, though, don't listen to anything these guys say," she indicates the majority of the team standing behind her. The locker room has split into the 'old' hands and the newbies. Paige is addressing the newbies with a lop-sided grin, "I'm really alright. Just talk to me if you need to, that's all." She waits a beat, "Oh, though, just know, if you don't pull your weight, I will kick your ass." She's rewarded with cheers from her team-mates. Emily's pleased, at least if the captain's popular it means she's fair. Brennan steps forward again, says wryly,

"Ok, thank you for that, Paige."

She introduces the first years, gives a brief background on each of them, and then moves round, until, dropping her voice a little, she smiles at Emily,

"So, finally, I'm sure some of you have already heard the rumours" Emily sighs, already there are rumours? "We're very lucky to have someone joining the team who, I think, is going to help us do well in Divisionals this year. Emily Fields."

Emily smiles, blushing madly and Paige watches her carefully. Instead of the arrogant, cocky girl she anticipated, she recognizes someone else, someone different, as Emily struggles to look up from the patch of floor she's staring at and gives a small, shy wave. The rest of the team is watching unsure of how to react, as Paige takes a breath, then steps forward.

"Alright. Come on team, let's welcome Emily." And begins to clap. The team joins in and the clapping goes on for far longer than Paige intended, until she realizes that it's not a clapping just for Emily being here and on their team, but for what she's gone through. It's a clapping that she survived. That she's been so close to death and come through it. Beaten it.

Finally, instructions are given for the team retreat the following weekend, and information about dry-land month, until they're dismissed. Paige sticks around chatting to her old team mates and encouraging the new ones, watching out of the corner of her eye as Emily seems unsure where to go. She looks lost as if there's a wall of steel between her and the world and she's not sure how to relate to anyone around her. Paige has been reading up on the crash and on Emily, she remembers that she lost her friends, her team-mates, even rumours of someone closer and Paige can't imagine how you even begin to get over that. She read the Sports Illustrated follow-up story that said she died twice in the ambulance. For all of Paige's insistence that Fields is going to be a brat, she can't actually find any evidence of it, either in things she's read, or in the way she's acted today. In fact, she just seems scared and unsure.

Eventually, the last few stragglers are gone. Paige checks into her old locker and picks up her leather messenger bag, taking out her key to her bike lock that she keeps on an old shoe lace. Leaving the locker room, she spots Emily waiting outside Brennan's office. Paige smiles as she gets closer to her,

"Hey."

She jumps in response to Emily's shocked response,

"Woah. Calm down, sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"Oh, no. You didn't. I was just thinking."

"Lost in your own world, huh?"

Emily smiles a little ruefully, she does this a lot now, blacks out, loses time, not even sure where she is sometimes. She describes it as blacking out, but it's not. It's more like a flash in her head – a panic that draws her deep down into herself.

"Something like that."

She notices Paige looking at her, can only imagine what kind of a freak she's coming across as, looks as Paige holds out her hand for her to shake,

"I'm Paige McCullers, swim team captain."

Emily shakes her hand,

"Yeah. I recognize you. Um, Emily, Emily Fields."

"Yeah I know. I know who you are."

Emily blushes and looks away. Doesn't want this, doesn't want people to know who she is, to look at her like she's a freak. She feels like she's a freak. Part of her wishes she could have just stayed at home forever, kept away from people, from prying. She doesn't want to have to get back into the real world. Doesn't want the pain and the mess that comes with people. Part of her reason for choosing this college was Spencer. Someone she knew from before, someone who knows her, who doesn't treat her like she's some freak from a museum, to be stared at. She doesn't want to open herself up to get to know other people, new people. Doesn't want to expose her heart to losing them again.

"Um, Coach won't be here. She doesn't hang around this first week. She'll be in tomorrow if you need to see her."

"Oh." Emily wasn't really waiting to see Coach Brennan for anything other than wasting time before Spencer finished her tutorial when she'd arranged to meet her. She shrugs then and looks at her watch.

Paige takes a moment, pauses and then plunges in anyway, if she's been asked to baby-sit, she may as well start sooner than later.

"So, you have somewhere to be, or do you want to grab a coffee? I can show you round some of the local hang-outs, see what you think."

Emily panics. She starts to sweat, her palms growing warm where they're holding her bag. She can't:

"Er, thanks, but, I'm meeting a friend of mine."

Paige smiles back at her,

"Ok. Don't worry. Maybe another time."

And she pads off down the hallway, unaware that Emily's leant back on the wall, head back, breathing heavy, staring at the ceiling, murmuring,

"Can't do this. I can't do this."

Her panic-attack is momentary. She's getting used to them. They hit a couple of times a day. The first time it happened she was in the garden at her parents' house. She was terrified, but also slightly amused, she could survive a bus crash, could survive dying twice, and now was having a heart attack in her garden, the place she should feel safest of all. It was only when her mom witnessed it that she became aware of what it was. Her doctor gave her breathing exercises to use when they came on, so she can master them now. But it doesn't mean they're any less terrifying when they do come.

When her breathing and heart-rate return to normal, she reaches in her bag for her phone. She'll only be a few minutes early to meet Spencer so she decides to head off there.

Spencer spots Emily waiting for her in the quad.

"Hi. How'd it go? How's the team? They're gonna be so stoked to have you swimming for them."

Emily smiles awkwardly.

"Yeah. They seem nice. Coach is good, I think I'll like working with her." Thinks, she's different than I'm used to. Kinder.

They head off campus towards Emily's rooms. She's been given private rooms, almost a private apartment. It's clean, spare and sparse. There's little that's personalized about it, but in a way, Emily likes that. The room's a little sweetener that Brennan managed to arrange, a private room one of Emily's only demands on coming here after she heard about the full-ride scholarship she'd been offered.

"Yeah. Your Coach is supposed to be pretty cool." Spencer cocks her head towards Emily, "I've been doing some asking around." She carries on walking, "the only one you gotta watch is McCullers."

"Paige?" Emily's interest is aroused by this. She worried she's pissed Paige off by refusing her offer of coffee, but she thinks they'll be ok. She intends to ask her for a tour of the gym and natatorium to make up for it and doesn't think Paige would hold her refusal earlier against her.

"Yeah. That's the one."

"She's team captain."

Spencer gives a huff.

"Wonder how she managed to bribe her way into that one."

"I don't know, Spence, she seems pretty popular. The team seem to like her, Brennan sure seems to trust her. They don't even have a vice-captain."

Spencer snorts her disapproval again,

"Yeah, well, you never know what people will do. Just, don't trust her is all I'm saying."

Emily smiles indulgently at Spencer. She's known her a long time and Spencer's always been protective of Emily. It's one of the main things they fight about, because it's got a lot worse since the accident.

"Why? What's it to you? She seems ok."

"Em, just, don't."

"No, Spence, you don't just get to say something and then not explain. It's going to be really difficult for me to avoid her. She's captain, she's – she was anchor of the relay team."

"Oh, wait! What does that mean? Have they made you anchor? At her expense? Oh boy, you really want to watch out."

"Spencer! They can't just make me anchor until they start timing us. But, I want to know what you've got to say about Paige."

Spencer stops to look at Emily, sighs,

"Let's just say she messed a friend of mine about pretty badly."

"Ok. A guy? 'Cause I saw her with a guy when I came for my interview with Brennan. And they looked pretty cool to me."

Spencer looks taken aback for a moment,

"Um, Em? I think you need to check if your gaydar got broken in the crash. Paige doesn't have a boyfriend. Doesn't do boys. At all."

"Oh. She's gay?"

"Yeah. And she messed around a friend of mine pretty badly in our first year. Anyway. Just steer clear." Spencer looks at Emily, a little twinkle in her eye, "Actually, I kind of wanted you to meet her."

"Who?"

"My friend. Dani."

Emily blushes, looks past Spencer.

"Spence. I'm not really interested. I just want to concentrate on swimming, getting myself back fit and trying to sort out my studies. I'm not looking for anything."

Spencer smiles, once she's got an idea in her head, it's hard to push it out. Emily knows this of old and isn't looking forward to the challenge.

"Ok. But, she's nice. You should meet. And Em, you can't be alone forever. Ellie wouldn't want that."

"Alright. But can we drop it for now? Let's just go out for a meal before I have to start this new diet Coach has given me."

Emily sighs as she turns away. She thinks she's speaking the truth when she told Spencer she's not looking for anything now. But the seed is sown and Spencer's not about to let it go.