She stirred beside me in her sleep, I would keep my promise and let her wake up natural, just as she had asked. Lying there, relishing in the moment of utter happiness, I still struggled to accept the reality of the situation. In my head I went over all the posibilities of how on earth someone so beautiful and young could fall for an old cripple like me, yet I could come to no conclusion other than the fact that our love was unconditional and that she didn't care that I was so much older than her, or that I needed a cane to walk, or that my appearance wasn't exactly easy on the eye. She had fallen for me, and could not fall out of it even when our situation seemed impossible to escape.
I loved this woman with all of my heart and I couldn't stop myself from letting my thoughts wander in to the memories of last night. The joy it had brought me to see such pleasure on her face, knowing that I was the only one that would ever please her in that way. She was mine, and I was hers, we were stuck with each other now and there was nothing we could do to escape the future our emotions had drafted for us, I was bound to this woman for the rest of my life. She deserved my undivided care and attention, that was something I could always, and would always provide her with whatever the circumstances.
She nuzzled in to my chest sleepily, such a soothing sensation, then settled again back in to a peaceful sleep. I watched her napping for what felt like hours, in the knowledge that this was a moment I should splendour not knowing when we would next get a slow, prolonged morning in bed together. Soon we would return to work, back to the hustle and bustle of early mornings and needlework in the parlour, far in to the hours of the night. My pessimism was banished to the back of my sub-conscious mind when I felt Anna stirr beneath me, what had I ever done to reward me such a perfect wife sleeping in my bed?
Anna groaned sleepily, wanting to prolong her snoozing for as long as humanly possible, not wanting to wake up to yet another day of endless work no doubt. When I had woken from my slumber I had nearly gotten up to begin preparing for another day at Downton, it had taken a minute or two to remind myself of the surroundings I was in, believing it to be just another dream and when I had come to the realization that this was reality, I was careful to not wake Anna while I shifted to a more comfortable positon, her coming to cling to me drowsy and still half asleep.
"Hmmpphhh...Oh damn!" Suddenly worried about the time, she shot up from my embrace to look at the clock at her side, she frowned before continuing her expressive confusion. "Wait, Mr. happened? What time...? Oh! Why didn't you wake me John?"
"I intend to keep all the promises I make you, and as I recall, last night you asked me to wait until you woke up naturally, so that is what I did and if I may say so you have had more than an adequate amount of time to gather your thoughts, where is my good morning kiss?" I frowned at her, mock dissapointedly and was pleased to feel her lips covering my own, in a chaste but perfect kiss.
"There it is, I didn't need prompting ya know!" She smiled at me, looking up from my chest to make eye contact and wrapped her arm around my waist, trying to embrace me from the side awkwardly, her efforts made me laugh inwardly, she lived to please. "And thank-you, for letting me sleep in, I haven't done that in as long as I can remember and it's even better to wake up in bed with you, I've never been a morning person but today I can't conjure up any unhappiness, I am so happy that nothing could dissapoint me in this moment!" It was adorable when she spoke like this about the two of us, but I couldn't think of anything heart-warming today so instead I settled for a tease -
"What if I said I had to get up?" She frowned, lip upturned with a face like thunder and I wanted so much to laugh at her in such a state, how did I end up with such a gorgeous wife, I asked myself. Her expression held firm with a look that said 'You're not going anywhere right now John Bates' "But how lucky I am to have something that makes it so difficult to say goodbye."
"You're not being serious are you, if you wake any attempt to move from this bed until I say you can do so I will tie you to the headboard until you learn to never contradict me!" She wasn't joking, I could tell from the tone of her voice so it was a good job that I didn't have any plans to leave her. "I can make you do anything I can ask, I could always pull out the guilt card and how many sacrifices I've made for you, an hour or so in bed isn't the most satisfying constellation prize I must say but it is adequate I suppose."
"Oh, adequate, I can do a lot better than that Mrs. Bates!" Pulling her tightly in my arms, she giggled delightfully as I smothered her in kisses lovingly. "I love you ya know!" Before I felt the wetness in my eyes start to seep down my face and her face expressed worry beyond belief, she had always been the kind for overreaction.
"Eyy, what's brought all this on love? I love you too, will you tell me what's wrong now?" I huffed lightly trying not to sound displeased by her concern but I think she heard me anyway, rubbing my arm encouragingly with her eyebrow raised in curiosity.
"I just can't believe how lucky I've been, to end up with someone as wonderful as you in my life! I can't help but feel guilty for giving you a rip-off deal that swings almost completely in my favour!" Truthfully I declared what I was feeling, she could have had a much better man than me and though I knew she would never leave me, that she wanted to be with me, I couldn't help but worry I wouldn't be enough. Settling herself in my arms, she rubbed her hand up and down my arm, breathing deeply before she began to speak, trying to regain her composure I assumed.
"I am the lucky one, John. After all the bad I have done in my life, you have just accepted me for who I am without a second glance. You didn't care that I wasn't the perfect, beautiful woman you saw in your dreams but you settled for second best, when I got my first choice." She was looking down at the bed, playing with the corner of the blanket as she spoke, what could she mean, didn't she know that she meant the world to me, that she was everything I dreamt of, and what had she meant 'all the bad I have done in my life'?
"I can't believe I'm telling you this, I just learned what happiness was and now I'm risking throwing it all away. You married me through false pretenses, you thought I was the innocent farmgirl who had spent the majority of her life working at the big house, seeing none of the world. I didn't tell you everything about me..." She got up from our embrace to turn and face me, staying at a reasonable distance and that was when the worry came along, a frown spread across my face and she looked at me in the most guilt-stricken way I've ever seen.
"When you married me John, I..I wa-..I was...I wasn't pure," The look of shame on her face made me reach out to her automatically but she just shyed away from me like a dying animal would, this only made me worry further. "You, our wedding night, it..it wasn't my first time." Of course I was shocked, but I didn't want her to think I would do anything rash, she had dealt with much more than that for me so it was time to return the favour.
"My love, please know this is not going to cause an end to anything - unless that is what you want - I would like to talk about this of course, but only when you are ready, I don't want to force you in to saying anything you don't want to." Hoping she would be willing to explain this situation, I reached out to her and this time she did not flinch at my touch, did not even look alarmed, she just stayed blank with a motionless expression.
"Look, please don't think this was a recent thing, it was a long time ago, I was naive and I didn't know it was going to happen...but it did and no-one ever found out, until now, there wasn't any reason for me to tell anyone because nothing came of it, it's a godsend that I didn't end up with child because that would have been a whole different story." I looked at her, a little confusedly, what had she meant 'I didn't know it was going to happen'? Could she possibly mean that...no, she couldn't! "I shouldn't have agreed to go with him in the first place, I knew straight after that I should have sent one of the men, then nothing would have happened, it was my stupidity that got me in to the situation..." She kept on trying to explain herself, then it struck me, she did mean that! Flinging myself at her, she looked rather startled until I had my arms around her neck, and I could her breathing slowing to a reasonable pace, how?What?WHO! Who would do that to my Anna?
"Who was it? Who did it to you?" I must have sounded rather angry because I felt her muscles tense within my firm grasp, I lowered my tone to try and calm her, she had to tell me of her own accord, I knew that much.
"Some gentleman, years ago, he was visiting the house and so many people come and go you start to forget their names. It's not a big deal who it was, is it? I mean, it was my fault, does it really matter who else was involved?" She still thought it was her fault, after all this time to go over in her mind, to relive those minutes in countless night terrors.
"Yes it matters, this wasn't your fault my love, this man should never have done that to you. I would snap his neck in the blink of an eye after what he has done, the things he subjected you to. But please know Anna, I will not act out of anger or even hatred unless you agree, I would do anything to please you, and I think you know that. All I have ever wanted is to make you happy, do you really think it matters to me whether you were with virtue on our wedding night? I wouldn't care if you became a prostitute for heavens sake, I'd still love you even then!" Her face was shockingly red, her cheeks were tear-stained and now she looked up at me with the utmost horror in her eyes. "That isn't what I meant, all I am saying is that I do not care about your past, only your future. You have accepted so much of the bad in me that I think we are still not on par, on my part at least, I've had it far too easy loving you!"
She leant in to me, holding me close and I knew she had no intention to let go, she whispered her apologies through the sobs and I sat in silence listening to her, comforting her and there was nothing I could do now but be there for her when she needed me most - right now. We stayed there for what may have been hours, though the moment could not have lasted long enough, I heard her quieten down after crying all of the tears she was able to. It made me think of our wedding day, the vows we made. -
For Richer, For Poorer, For Better, And For Worse, In Sickness and in Health.
But who really cares about the richer, the better or the health? It is the poorer that will test your determination, the worse your loyalty and the sickness, your love. We were being tested, and it was definitely making us stronger.