Chapter one…

My name is Stephanie plum, and I am stuck. For one I have a "boyfriend" well maybe a boyfriend.

Ok probably a boyfriend…..maybe a fiancé. I mean we spend a lot of time together, we eat Pino's and watch the game. I watch his dog, I have stuff at his house and he has something floating around my house also. And we occasionally have sex if we are not fighting, like mind blowing- amazing sex. That qualifies as boyfriend and girlfriend, right?

However, I also have a Ranger in my life, like a tall gorgeously amazing man named Carols that we call Ranger. He is my best friend; he is always there when I need him. A phone call, back up-tracking me to save me from a kidnaper. You know, all the usual.

I am currently stuck because I feel like I need to pick one, just one to rely on. To be there for me, one to spend time with. But I am stuck because I decided to be honest with myself and stop and think about what I really want. For me being honest about what I feel is like going to the dentist voluntarily and getting a root canal. I would much rather dig my head in the sand and pretend that everything is peachy and fine. And now I am stuck because of my stupid honesty…..

Maybe I should start at the beginning.

It was all Lula's fault! She said that she heard around town that I was as good as engaged to Joe, and in her defense that was probably a realistic rumor. Joe and I had loosely been talking about a future engagement. He had not officially asked and I had not officially said yes or no. The yes or no depended on the day, how I felt and how the day was going. Anyway Lula thought it would be a good ideal to go out and celebrate. We ended up at a bar in Point Pleasant, my favorite place to "think" and I attempted to keep up with Lula at the bar.

Now I love Lula, she is one of my best friends however she is +200lbs of beautiful woman who drinks a lot more than I do. So 4 margaritas in she was fine and I was trashed.

"Yo white girl, why are you marring the cop? I would personally go for the yummy yummy ranger!" she said.

"Lula I didn't say yes; Joe has not even really asked. We are talking about an engagement in lose terms. Like if I ask, would you say yes? And I say I might say yes, which is an improvement to my horrified no!"

"Well I am just confused; I mean he has a HOT ass but why do you love him? He is always yelling at you and trying to tell you to change your job." She said as she wildly swung her cup around. Maybe she was drunker then I thought.

"I am not good at my job Lula, besides Joe is just worried"

"Well maybe he should tell you he's worried instead of yelling at the top of his lungs at you in front of everyone." Lula said with a frown.

Well shit when she said it like that It made me think that maybe she was right. His worry always started and ended with loud yelling and waving hands. Sometimes a girl just needed a hug after she was almost blown up. Which lead us down a dark and dangerous path.

"Hay girl I was talking to my psychic about the future and she told me that I had to close my eyes and picture the future. I have to visualize what I want out of life. So Steph close your eyes."

"Come on, close them!" she said in an almost yell.

"FINE", man why is everyone always yelling at me," OK they are closed."

"Ok make your mind blank, like a black void. …Now go ahead and pretend you are being hugged from behind. You can't see who it is only feel the pressure of their arms. Now take a deep breath, can you smell anything? Sense anything?"

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, I was trying to center but the black void was not mixing well with the current drunk state of mind I had and I almost slid off the bar stole.

"Well anything?" Lula yelled in my face.

"Give me a second, I think I am drunk!"

"Well a drunk mind is an honest mind. So that is even better" she giggled.

I closed my eyes again after I grabbed a hold of the bar. I turned everything off, well the best you can turn it off when the world is spinning. Then I took a deep breath, and smelt…beer.

"This is not working Lula." I mumbled.

"Maybe you should try harder, I don't think you are taking a breath in your mind, you are doing it with your nose."

I peeked my eyes open, "That makes no sense." I mumbled again.

I closed my eyes tight and took another deep breath. Still beer, and another deep breath …kind of beer kind of something else. I couldn't quite figure it out. But I felt arms wrapping around my middle a kiss under my ear. SO I took another deep breath and smelled …..Bulgari hints with wonderful male scent. Well shit, this was not good. I can't smell Ranger; he is not an option! He made it clear that his love came with a condom not a ring.

"Lula, I think your method is faulty. It's not working." I stuttered.

"Nope it always works, you envision what you really want in your heart and not in your mind." She replied, taping her forehead.

Which brought me back to being stuck and thinking about what I wanted. Joe wants me, he made that clear. He wants a wife and a mother, he wants the burg dream of 2.5 kids and a white picket fence. I would stay home and raise the kids I didn't even know if I wanted. I mean I break out in a sweat when there is a baby next to me. I can't even think about taking care of one all day and night.

The thought of staying home all day or working at the button factory- the only place Joe thought was safe made me think about running and never looking back.

And Ranger? Ranger was not even an option, he had made that clear over and over again. Best friend, yes. Savior, yes. The guy I could call when I needed anything, a pat on the back, a hug, a listening ear, help with a search, a car because I had blown mine up, yep. A real relationship, nope.

So now I am sitting here, drunk as a skunk. Dreaming smelling of one man, and thinking about a future with another I am not even sure I ever really wanted. How did I end up from partying and celebrating a maybe someday engagement to depressed because I wanted what I couldn't have and had what I didn't want anymore…?

Life can really suck sometimes…