Belated
Ann B. Harding
J& P with P/T.
Kathryn Janeway deal's with the possible fallout of the events of Alice and the lingering repercussions of events in 30 Days
"Captain . . . Kathryn, you need to talk with him."
Captain Kathryn Janeway had not really been listening to her first officer while she read the reports concerning Voyager's current status - after all the information she needed to know was on the PADD in front of her. So she hadn't really been listening to him. Until, that is, he used her first name.
There was no need to ask just whom Chakotay referring to. "Oh, I do, do I?" she asked in a tone most of the crew would have recognized as a warning not to pursue the matter any further.
Not Chakotay though. Then again, he rarely backed down during their confrontations. It was a trait she by turns admired and despised. "Yes," he replied just as directly. "You do."
"Why," she challenged. Let him try to answer that."Why?" he echoed.
"Why?" she repeated. "Why do you think I need to speak with Tom Paris?" Again her tone carried a warning that Chakotay proceeded at his own risk.
"I think he might want to know why you didn't go down to sickbay while he was there, or for the past three days while he has been recovering in his quarters." Chakotay replied., not one bit deterred by that tone. "And to talk about what happened when he left with Alice."
"I have a ship to run, " she replied her tone a bit sharper then she intended. "I can't go running to sick bay to hold hands every time a crew man stubs his toe." Of course the damage the ship had done to Tom had been considerably more then a "stubbed toe" but she didn't want to think about that right now. She didn't want to be reminded of the fact that according to the Doctor they had come too damn close to losing him, even after they beamed him off it the small shuttle. He was recovering now, and she had kept up with the Doctor's reports on Tom's condition. So she wasn't ignoring or neglecting him.
"You made time when B'Elanna was in sickbay a few weeks ago," Chakotay reminded her. "You were there for her entire procedure."
"That was dif . . . " Janeway began. They had not even been sure B'Elanna would survive her attempted sojourn to the Klingon afterlife. And she had been the one who allowed B'Elanna to take the risk, she felt she had to be for the younger woman. But before she could remind Chakotay of those facts he continued with his list.
"To get a personal report from the Doctor when Harry was recovering from his fling with Tal last year," he continued. "For Seven and the other ex-Borg a few weeks ago. You even sat-up with the Doctor on the holodeck when he had his problems last year." He paused and looked her straight in the eye. "In fact you have made time for every other officer or crewman injured on or off duty enough to require time in sick bay."
He was right. She would have gone to sick-bay if a member of her crew who had been there for as long as Tom had been. Not just to learn from the Doctor what that person's condition was, but just to talk with him/her.. Let him or her know she cared. She considered it one unofficial duties as Captain.
This time though she had done everything thing she could to avoid sick-bay for the last few days. Everything she could to avoid having to see Tom recovering from the damage the ship they had come to know as Alice had inflicted on him. Damage she could have been, should have been to, able to prevent if only she had been paying attention. If only she had seen the signs that everyone else had been able to see. When she had first seen him on the viewscreen just before he "escaped", she had been stunned. B'Elanna had told her Tom had not been sleeping, but even so, she had not been prepared for image on the screen. Pale (even for him), unshaven, he looked as if he had not slept in a week. But what bothered her most was his eyes. His wild desperate eyes. Even as she tried to reason with him, a part of her knew it hopeless. His words, a plea really, haunted her even more. "I'm with Alice now . . ." he had said. Did he really wanted to stay on a ship that was killing him rather than come home to Voyager?
And then he, they, attacked. Kathryn Janeway had always suspected that underneath his "I'm a pilot" facade, Tom Paris had the potential to be an extremely formidable adversary. After all he had managed to take back Voyager from the Kazon pretty much single-handedly. To make matters worse, he knew Voyager, knew her weaknesses, her limits, how to damage her just enough to escape, but not cause any permanent damage. Which was exactly what he did. It was only through sheer luck they had been able to track Tom and the errant ship down. And even as the was sending him on a path that could only end with his death, Tom still threatened to fire on Voyager if they tried to stop "them."
B'Elanna's report on "being inside Tom's head" as she had put it, was still on Janeway's desk. It wasn't that she hadn't read it, she had, several times. B'Elanna's description of Tom's overriding pain and confusion made for powerful reading. So did the descriptions of his mental anguish at leaving and betraying Voyager. But what hurt even more was that according to B'Elanna, Tom was also worried about having to face the Captain, after once again stealing a ship and defying orders.
There was a time when she might have been able to talk to him privately, friend to friend, or at least Fleet brat to Fleet brat, but the incident with the Moneans made that impossible. Tom's insubordination, the way he had so flagrantly disobeyed her orders, and her reaction to that betrayal had placed a strain on what had once been an easy and comfortable relationship. They had come a long way in the past year, most notably when she had taken that role in Tom's Captain Proton holodeck program, but they were not back to the close relationship ... she would almost call it a friendship.... they had once had.
But what bothered her most was she still had no idea why she had not seen how much trouble Tom had been in. It wasn't as though he had gone to a great deal of trouble to hide it. Even Seven had noticed that something was amiss with Voyager's helmsman. Why had she been so blind? What had been so important that she never even saw the signs one of her best officers was in serious trouble. True, she had been slowly let Chakotay and Tuvok take over many of the day to day running of the ship, but even so, there was no reason for missing something so obvious. However, that Tom's fault. And Chakotay was right. It was not what she intended, but her not visiting could be interrupted as disappointment or anger of Tom's actions rather then her guilt over not seeing that he was in trouble . And now that she thought about it, Tom did have a tendency to assume the worst when it came to people assumptions of him when he made mistake.
She sighed and glanced up at her first officer. "I trust you have a suggestion on what I should next," she said. It was close she would come to admitting he was right.
She had to give him credit. There was only the smallest hint of a self-stratified smirk on the first officer's face.
"There is an old saying," he said. "Better late then never."
"I suppose so," Janeway replied as she stood. "And I can think of an other old saying… No time like the present." Now that she had made her decision, she didn't want to waste any more time.
Chakotay chuckled and followed her from her Ready Room to the turbo -lift. "The only problem you might have could be B'Elanna. She's been a bit overzealous in making sure Tom is getting the rest the Doctor ordered. Harry is about the only one that she has let see Tom. And I think the only reason for that is that Harry has been so persistent."
"Brave man," Janeway observed wryly as the lift doors closed. However she wasn't that surprised that Harry had been able to wear B'Elanna down. It wasn't that long ago that she had faced Harry Kim's method of persuasion. Persistent was the prefect way to describe it. . "Deck Twelve," she said to the computer.
*************************
A few minutes later she learned that Chakotay had not been exaggerating. B'Elanna Torres was guarding Tom's quarters not unlike the way a Ferengi would guard the entrance to his vault.
"Captain?" She made it a challenge. It was clear that if Janeway wanted to see Tom, she was going to have to get through B'Elanna. And B'Elanna had no intention of letting the Captain in just because she asked.
"B'Elanna," she replied. "I wanted to . . . check in on you and Tom. Find out how you .
. . how he is doing." She never felt like she had to account for her actions in a long time… especially to a junior officer. But right now she did.
"Oh, you do, do you?" The anger was clear in the younger woman's voice. What took you so long? The words weren't spoken out loud, but they didn't need to be. The implication was loud and clear.
"Yes, I do," she said meeting the younger woman's eyes. She hoped B'Elanna would see the sincerity there.
The younger woman looked like she was going to say something else, but before she could Chakotay spoke.
"B'Elanna...." That was all he said, but there must have been something unspoken in Chakotay's statement, as the younger woman's attitude changed immediately.
Exhaling with a sigh she stepped aside, allowing Janeway and Chakotay access into the darkened room. "Come in if you like," she said. "But Tom is asleep, so if you want to see him you will have to wait . . . "
"I suppose I can do that," Janeway replied. But as she and Chakotay entered the room, Tom's voice came from the bed.
"There's no need to wait, Captain." Tom's voice came from darkened alcove of the dimly lit room. "I'm already awake. I couldn't seem to fall asleep." Janeway couldn't see his face, but she could hear the smile in his voice as he continued. "I think have had more then enough sleep in the past few days."
"B'Elanna, you look like you could use a break," Chakotay said. "Why don't we go to the
mess hall for a bite to eat."
To Janeway it was an obvious ploy to get B'Elanna out of the room, but at the same time there was a great deal of truth in the statement. She did look somewhat haggard.
"I'm fine." B'Elanna replied - either not noticing or not caring about Chakotay's true intention. "Neelix's been delivering us all our meals and there is always the replicator."
Tom nodded as he stood and slowly made his way to group. "Go, B'Elanna," he said when he reached her. "I'll be OK here for a little while."
B'Elanna glanced between the captain and Tom, then nodded. "I'll be back in a little while." she said.
"I'll see you then," he said softly to the smaller woman with a quick hug and a brief kiss. "Good to see you again, Chakotay," he said with a nod.
"You're looking better then the last time I saw you," Chakotay replied.
Janeway winced slightly. It could have been small talk, but it was also a reminder that
this was the first time she had visited her helmsman.
"Well, I'm feeling a lot better," Tom replied with a smile. "B'Elanna's a great nurse."
"It hasn't been that difficult," B'Elanna looked up at Tom. "You've been asleep most of the time."
Tom shrugged and smiled down at her. "Even so, you've done a great job."
Blushing slightly, B'Elanna turned to Chakotay. "I think we'd better go," she said. She and Chakotay left leaving the remaining pair stood looking at each other. Each watching the other for some clue as to what to do next. "Captain," Tom said after a few seconds, when he seemed to realize that Janeway wasn't going make the first move. He gestured to the seating area of the room. "Would you like to take a seat?"
She got the hint. Tom was well on the road to recovery, but he wasn't there yet. She
nodded and they moved to sit. She sat in a single chair that faced a long reddish couch while Tom sat on the couch's edge. As he sat she studied him. He looked, well not good but better than he had the last time she had seen him. He was still a little pale, but aside from that he looked good. He was clean shaven and looked well rested. "I am glad to see you're feeling better," she said.
"Thank you," he replied.
There was a long awkward silence. Now that she was here, she found that she was not
sure what to say. The seconds seemed to stretch forever until Tom finally broke the silence.
"Captain, with all due respect, what are you doing here?"
It was a fair question, one she still didn't have an answer for. There was the official one, but, she wasn't sure she could admit that just yet. "I wanted to see how you where doing," she said, taking the coward's way out. "I realize that I should have done this before the Doctor released you, but . . . "
"Captain, you don't need to explain," Tom interrupted holding his hands up. "After what I did to Voyager., I don't blame you... "
It was Janeway's turn to interrupt. "No, I think I do," she said. "Explain that is. It wasn't anything you did or did not do," she smiled slightly. "I'll admit I am not exactly thrilled about that, but you weren't yourself."
"Everyone keeps telling me that, I'm not so sure," he replied in a soft voice. "I still was in control of my actions. I knew what I was doing was wrong, even as I did it," He closed his eyes. "I just couldn't seem to stop myself. I wanted what Alice could give me."
What Alice could give him? As far as she could see the only thing the small ship ever gave Tom was pain and death. "Just what was that?"
"Freedom," Tom said in a soft, almost dreamy voice. "That and the chance to fly. Really fly."
"You have that here Tom," Janeway replied more confused than ever. "On Voyager."
Tom now opened his eyes. "It's not the same," he said with a sad smile. "Don't get me wrong. I love Voyager. She's a great ship, . . . but…," He paused, as though searching for the words and opened his eyes. "I'm not sure I can really explain it."
Janeway watched the emotions play across Tom's face. She knew flying was not only
something Tom excelled at, it was something he loved. It was impossible not know. And she
knew that he loved flying smaller craft even more then flying a ship like Voyager. She had been
with him is a shuttle craft often enough to know that. And the way he designed and built the
Delta Flyer was even more proof of his passion. Even so, it was not that often that she, or
anyone, was able to see just how important it was to man. She watched for several seconds as
he struggled for the words to explain to her, she realized that maybe there were no words that
could really explain it. She leaned closer to him. "Then don't," she said.
"I guess I wanted to feel the way I did the first time I flew, really flew a real shuttle, as a kid," he continued softly as if he hadn't heard her. She wasn't sure if he was talking to her or to himself. "But I'm beginning to realize I'll ever be able to capture that moment again ." Again, there was a sad smile.
"You flew as a child?" Janeway asked. She had known that he had flown in simulators, but didn't realize Tom had been allowed to fly real ships. She also wondered what brought on the comment. Tom rarely spoke to her about his childhood. As far as she knew, he rarely spoke to anyone about it.
"It wasn't starships," he continued as if that little detail mattered. "Just shuttles and never anything with a warp drive, but I didn't care." He closed his eyes and she could almost see him as a child, the same look of wonder on his face. "It was incredible. Just me and the ship," he smiled. "I guess that is why I love flying small ships so much. It is the closet I can get to the way I felt the first time Dad took me up." He opened his eyes and meet hers. "Alice knew that."
"Because of the neurogenic interface," Janeway said softly.
He nodded. "She knew everything about me," he said, "she knew exactly what to say, exactly what to do to get me to do her bidding," he sighed running a hand through his uncombed hair. "I still can't believe that I was willing to leave Voyager, leave B'Elanna, . . . ," he shook his head. "Even when I knew that I would never survive getting Alice home, I still felt like I needed to do it. I needed to see at least one thing through to the end. She was depending on me. " He met Janeway's eyes, a self‑deprecating smile. "Crazy, huh?
"No. Not really," she said. As Tom said, the ship knew just how to get Tom to do what she wanted. Janeway knew how important it was to Tom to have people depend on him. How much he needed to be needed. The ship had found a way use that for its own purposes.
"Somehow though, I don't think you came to hear me babble," Tom said breaking her
train of thought.
She was glad for the change of subject, but she wondered if this Tom was doing to
because the conversation was getting to personnel for his comfort. "I wanted to apologize not
coming to see you in sick‑bay," she said again. "For not seeing that you were in trouble . . . ,"
"Captain," he began. "You don't need…"
She held her hand up. "As Captain I should be aware of what is happening to my crew,
especially the Senior Staff," She met his eyes. "I wasn't doing that part of the job and you paid the price."
He looked surprised and slightly embarrassed. "To be honest Captain, I can't say that even if you had noticed what was happening it would have made a difference," he said in a soft voice.
It was an absolution she was not sure she deserved. "That may be, but even so I should have noticed that something was amiss."
Tom didn't respond. Not at first. "You were there then in end," he said. "You could
have just let us go, but you didn't," he smiled. "Alice knew that you would do anything you
had to get me back."
"She did?" Janeway wasn't sure what that meant. She'd never had a ship perceive her as a threat before. Then again, Alice wasn't exactly an ordinary ship.
He nodded. "That's why she wanted to fire on you," he said. "She knew that it was the
only way for us to escape,"
He was still talking about the ship as if it had been real person. In way, Janeway supposed it had been. An artificial life form, but still a life form with an intelligence and an agenda of her own. Even so, she was not sure how to respond to Tom's other comment. "Tom, I meant what I said. I couldn't just let you go."
"Even if it was what I wanted?" Tom asked.
"I don't think it was what you wanted ‑ not really," she said to avoid having to think about the very question. Someday, she knew she might have to deal with the possibility that one of the crew would want to leave, but thankfully with Tom's state of mind it had made that question a non-issue. "You weren't thinking clearly."
"No, I guess by that time I wasn't," he said softly. "I just wanted to . . . ," he stopped
and shook his head. "I don't really know what I wanted," he admitted. He seemed about to
continue when he was interrupted by a long yawn. "Sorry," he said with a smile. "Talking
about this seems to take a lot out of me."
Not just him, she wanted to say, but didn't. "Then maybe you should get back in to
bed," she suggested instead. "I can stay here until B'Elanna and Chakotay return."
"Thank you Captain," he said as he stretched his 6 feet plus frame on the couch that wasn't even six feet long but by curling up just a bit he managed to fit. "But you don't have to. Despite what B'Elanna seems to think, I don't need a babysitter." He smiled slightly. "Would you mind handing over the blanket?" he asked.
With a start Janeway realized she had been leaning on a blanket that had been draped over the chair. She smiled, stood and moved to cover him with it.
"Any idea when you will be able to return to duty?" she asked as she returned to her
chair. She wanted to maintain a professional image.
"A few more days," he replied with a yawn.
"I am pleased to hear it," she said. "I need you at your posts." The bridge wasn't the same without him, but she was going to admit that.
There was a long pause. She wasn't sure if he was still awake or not until he replied with
a soft. "Yes, ma'am, " with traces of his usual timbre in the sleepy reply.
Yes ma'am. Strange how a few words could change things so much. "Yes ma'am," he'd said. Five years ago she would only allow the crew to call her "Ma'am" only in a crunch. But for some reason she had always liked it when Tom called her that. There was something in his tone, the way the words fell from his lips, that made it impossible to reprimand when he did it. Even when Harry Kim followed his lead and started also started calling her ma'am, she still didn't have the heart to say anything. Though somehow it didn't sound the same coming from Harry as it did from Tom. Now she was glad to hear those words. "Yes ma'am." It was sign Tom Paris was recovering. He would soon be back to his old self.. A little wiser maybe, but the same old Tom Paris. And she wouldn't have it any other way.