FEAR
I begin to feel irrational fear.
I wake in the middle of the night - fearing that something's wrong. I'm putting on my clothes hastily and I almost run to my boys. They are all peacefully asleep and I'm scolding myself that some stupid feeling is making fool of me... Again.
But I'm not leaving right away. I'm standing here, an hour or so, and I watch them sleeping. They are breathing steadily, someone is mumbling under his nose. I can't recognize the words, but it doesn't matter. So I'm standing here like a cold and motionless statue, savouring this moment of peace, but I'm not peaceful completely.
This fear often comes at night. Sometimes I'm thinking that tomorrow I will not see those clones. That the Republic will recall them, and although they are not fully experienced and trained boys, the Republicans will load them on ships and carry them away from this watery planet. Maybe that's why I'm coming here? Maybe it is that I must be sure that everyone is here and nobody will not take them fom me - Republic or some Kaminoan cloner. Sometimes I think that Kaminoan technicians are lurking to my young men like the butcher to the defenseless animal. They are always coming like that: from nowhere, with their statistics and
other rubbish, telling me that this or that clone is "not good" or "crippled" in some way. And then my blood is running faster and I'm angry. During daily drill I can ignore those cloners, send them away, laugh at them. But in the night, where the clones are asleep, those Kaminoans are coming again, but I'm not there. That's why I can't sleep. Fear awakes me, not so irrational, as I'm pretending it is. I'm afraid.
I'm afraid to lose those boys.