Chapter 1: This is WIERD

'Let's go to Oregon!' they said. 'It'll be FUN!' they said. Yeah. A giant gnome monster chasing you in the company GOLF CART is 'fun'. OH GREAT ANOTHER FLYING TREE. "Dude..." a passenger muttered. "Watch out!" I looked up, screamed, and swerved like crazy. Didn't quite work. BRACE-

O-kay, let's rewind. I am Jonah Cole Murphy, how ya doin', eldest son of David and Sarah Murphy. My father's crazy company moved us out here to sleepy little Gravity Falls, Oregon. As soon as unpacking was done, my parents shoved us kids out the door into the wild and said to 'have fun.' Probably so they could relieve some stress by doin' the do, as it were. I basically pointed my twin brothers in a direction, gave them 200 bucks, and said "Go nuts." And off they went. Leaving me to go job hunting, make some pocket money, ya know? ANYWAY, I saw a flyer on a lamppost advertising an unspecified position at some dingy place called the Mystery Shack. Seeing no other 'help wanted' signs, I shrugged and set off towards the Shack.

As I approached the Shack, I started to realise something. A kinda big, twin-related thing. See, I'm bisexual. And, just from the guy and girl on the front porch, it seems I would be very confused for most of this. I approached the guy, held up the flyer, and asked, "Hey, you guys still have an open position?" He looked up at me as if sizing me up. Silently, he pulled his twin's sleeve and gestured as if to say 'HELP WHAT DO'. She looked up, pulling out her earbuds, and I pointed at the flyer again. "OH! You're that new kid, right? She asked.

"HOW AND WHY."

She giggled. "News travels fast in a small town like Gravity Falls. Dipper, bring him inside."

"Aw what!" Dipper said, somewhat offensively. Huffing, he gestured for me to follow and went inside. Confused, I followed. And was completely taken aback by the sheer abundance of random shit this place held. Hats, bobbleheads of a bad Doctor Who cosplay, giant eyeballs (why), some snow globes...this place had it all. Curious, I picked up a hat with a white front and blue back, with a blue pine tree emblazoned on the front. "Ten bucks for the hat." Startled, I whipped around and came face-to-face with an old man. Regaining my composure, I replaced the hat and cleared my throat. "Hi. I'm here to apply for the unspecified position," I said, smiling. The old man simply burped in my face and handed me a contract. "Sign here."

"Wha-that's it?!"

"Yup," he said. "Don't need your qualifications." Surprised-in a good way-I signed AFTER carefully reading the contract. I handed it back to the man and was handed a broom. "You start in an hour. Enjoy your freedom." So I headed back outside and sat down.

"Jeez, that was, um…"

"Bizarre?" the girl offered. She was pretty in a dorky way. A slightly-too-big sweater and black skinny jeans on a lanky frame, long brown hair and brown eyes. My type. Great. "Yes. Thank ye, 'twas on the tip o' me tongue." I replied in a thick-and likely bad-Irish accent. She laughed regardless. The guy-Dipper?- came out and jammed the hat from earlier on my head. Unfazed, I looked up at him and asked, "What kinda name is 'Dipper'?" Grimacing, he muttered, "Long story. Kinda boring."

"LAY IT ON ME, BITCH!" I shouted, grinning. He turned to me, rather taken aback. The girl started dying from laughter. "Laugh it up, furball," he replied, frowning.

"Thank you for commenting on my hair, friend," I said. I was rather proud of my shoulder-length locks. Had been for a few months. "I am attempting the 'Jesus' look, as a friend called it."

"...what?"

1

"You know. Longish curly hair, thick beard? Come on! Even if you're atheist, you KNOW Jesus." I said, incredulous. The girl giggled at this, so I whipped around and joked, "I don't believe I've had the pleasure, madam?" She giggled a bit and said, "My name is Mabel Pines, and you are...?"

"Jonah Cole Murphy."

"...yeah, calling you Jones."

"Wait, why?" I replied, confused. Mabel shrugged, swinging her legs. "Why not?" she said, smiling. Christ, she's amazing.

"KIDS! NEWBIE!" the old man shouted as a redhead in lumberjack clothes climbed the nearby steps. "TIME TO START!"

"COMIIIIING!" Mabel shouted back, then grabbed her brother and headed in. I climbed up and headed in as well.

To be honest, the first few days were, well…

Uneventful. I typically worked the register while the redhead, Wendy, read her magazines. Dipper typically did sweeping and Mabel was...well, 'nuts' is a bit tame. She was full-on bonkers. This one time, for example, she attempted to trick some poor soul into agreeing to a date. And that's just what I'VE seen. Apparently she did WAY worse just out in the wild. AND THEN, ONE DAY…

"LOOK ALIVE, PEOPLE!" Stan-the old man- said. "I need someone to hang these up in the creepy part of the forest."

The twins shouted "NOT IT!" and were quickly followed by the heavyset handyman Soos. Wendy, being a lazy lumbersexual, didn't even look up. "Jones?" he asked.

"I'll do it…"

"YES!" Dipper shouted.

"IF Dipper volunteers as tribute."

"Aw, what?" he whined. "Dude, that part of the woods makes me feel watched."

"BY WHO, SLENDERMAN?!"

"Something is going on in this town. Look, my bug bites spell 'BEWARE'!" he said holding up my arm. Myself and Stan, at the same time, said, "That spells BEWARB." He sheepishly pulled down his hoodie sleeve.

"Fine. I volunteer as tribute…"

"Cool! The signs, please."

And now myself and Dipper were wandering through the woods, hanging up signs and joking around. As an antic, I stumbled around drunkenly with my Irish accent, smacking into trees and the like, until one made a hollow 'bonk'. This startled me pretty bad, knocking me onto my ass. Frightened, I looked at Dipper. "So...for confirmation, that tree just went BONK, right?"

"Sounded hollower than a bonk. Like a donk."

"So...that's a no." I muttered. I stood up and investigated the donktree. Hitting it in various places yielded different results, from a thunk to clink. At one point, a hatch just popped open and bonked my nose. "Ow."

Dipper, being the twat he was, shushed me and investigated the odd machine hidden in the tree. He looked around and pulled some levers. We both jumped when another hatch opened up behind us. Contained within this compartment was and old red book with a six fingered hand on the front. The number 3 was written on the hand. "Well, that's obviously misleading. That hand has twice as many fingers." I quipped, getting a punch for my trouble. Dipper opened the book, revealing a looking glass and a tarnished page obscuring the author's name. "Well ain't that fucking dandy," he muttered.

2

He opened the book and started reading. He stopped and ushered me close. "Listen to this. 'Unfortunately, my suspicions have been confirmed. I'm being watched. I must hide this book before HE finds it. Remember: in Gravity Falls there is no one you can trust.'" He closed the book, puzzled. "No one you can trust..."

"BOO!"

Dipper shrieked, jumping a full foot in the air and tossing the book at my face. I whipped around, glaring at Mabel. "Jesus is displeased, Mabel Pines." I said in as stern a voice I could muster. She looked at me, exasperated.

"You are pushing that Jesus thing, huh?"

"Till the day I die, beautiful," I quipped. This appeared to fluster Mabel. Stammering, she pushed past me and helped her brother up, allowing me to hide the book in my jacket pocket.

CUT TO : at the house, 5 minutes later

"It's really amazing!" Dipper gushed, eyes shining and cheeks flushed. Seriously, did I HAVE to become friends with a pair of attractive twins? Why must God test me? "It's like Gravity Falls has this secret dark side! It's super neat!"

"Yup-erino. Super cool."

"Dude, it's kinda nerdy." I said. Dipper glared at me with death in his eyes. I simply booped his nose. Suddenly the doorbell rang. I glanced at Dipper, who motioned a yes, then asked "And who might that lovely person be?" Mabel giggled. "Welp, time to spill the beans!" she said, knocking over a can of beans. "This girl's got a date!"

"Beg your pardon?" Dipper asked, incredulous. Just as surprised, I glanced sidelong at Mabel and asked, "So, as I recall, we were gone for half an hour and you SOMEHOW got a boyfriend in that time?!"

"YUP!"

"How."

"What can I say? I'm irresistible!" she said, giggling. The doorbell rang again. She got up and walked to the door. Myself and Dipper exchanged a skeptic glance, which we quickly wiped off our faces when Mabel and her 'boyfriend' walked in. Already, something about this kid was off. His face was oddly round, and he moved as if he had no idea what legs were. Mabel cleared her throat and said, "Dipper, Jones, meet Norman!"

"Sup." he muttered. His visible eye was becoming kind of glassy. Turning to Mabel, he grabbed her hand and started to pull her out-clumsily, might I add-and she waved at us. Dipper went to the attic, to 'research' , leaving me alone. Leaning back in the recliner, I ran back what she said. 'What can I say? I'm irresistible!'. Sighing, I got up and followed Dipper, muttering, "You can say that again."

"Seriously, look at this!" Dipper said, pointing to a page depicting a ghoulish creature. Reading from the page, he said, "Known for their pale skin and bad attitudes these creatures are often mistaken for teenagers... Beware Gravity Falls' nefarious..."

"Gnomes," I said, whilst writing up a storm. DIpper looked at me with a confused expression. I looked up and said, "Going off the round face and lack of any kind of motor skills, I think he's a group of gnomes. In fact, I bet on it."

"Whaddya bet?"

"Five bucks."

"Sounds good, furball," he said, extending his hand. Grinning wolfishly, I shook the proffered hand.

Over the next week or so we took turns 'performing surveillance', as Dipshit called it. Meaning we stalked the two. At the end of the week, we compiled the evidence in the twins' room. Dipper showed me a video of Norman failing to catch a frisbee. I, in turn, told a story in which Norman fell into a random grave. Frowning, I said, "Well, shit. Starting to look like you were right."

"HELLS TO THE YEAH!"

"But until given solid, tangible evidence, I shall believe in le gnomes." I continued. Dipper looked me in the eyes with his patented Stare of Fury, earning a nose boop for his efforts. I grinned and turned back to my project. Then Mabel walked in with a twig in her hair, rumpled clothes, and rosy cheeks. Dipper's eyes shot open with surprise, and I nearly dropped my pen. Upon seeing our reaction, she looked down and started blushing like crazy. "No, no, no! Nothing happened! God, you two…" she said, arms crossed. "I went hiking and I tripped on the way back! Jesus!"

"Yes, darling?" I said, regaining my composure and smirking. She glared at me in exasperation. Frowning again, I began to ask about Norman but was cut off by Mabel shushing me and shoving me onto the floor. Dipper walked up and began to explain something to Mabel. Probably his zombie theory. I didn't hear, as I was listening to music. Getting hella mad, she stood up and yelled over my music, "I AM NOT HAVING ANOTHER POTENTIAL BOYFRIEND BE RUINED BY YOUR CRAZY CONSPIRACIES! I AM GOING ON A DATE, AND THAT IS FINAL!" Fuming, she stormed down the stairs to meet up with Norman, leaving Dipper and I flabbergasted. Dejectedly, Dipper played back some video, only to scream at a clip he found. Startled, I shouted, "WHAT IN ALL THAT IS OR IS NOT HOLY! DUDE!" He shushed me and motioned me closer. In the clip, Norman had his arm around Mabel. Exasperated, I continued watching, only for his hand to fall off! I'd seen enough. Silently, I got up and walked downstairs. My face and body language were completely calm, whereas my brain was screaming various expletives in Norman's general direction. Dipper followed shortly after, pulling on his hoodie whilst jamming a beanie on his head. "Why are you wearing a beanie?" I asked.

"You know damn well why I'm wearing a beanie," he replied.

"YES, FOR WHY WOULD A ZOMBIE ATTACK A BEANIE-CLAD SKULL?!" I shouted, grabbing his arm. "Let's go." Outside, I glanced around, looking for a way to to get to the two fast enough. Dipper was continuously replaying the clips of Normabel, looking defeated. Sighing I turned around when WHAM! The Mystery cart just barely swerved and avoided me. Angered, I started to go off on the driver when Dipper cut me off. "Wendy! Thank God! We need to borrow the cart!"

"Sure. Just don't crash it, dude." She said, tossing me the keys. Grinning, I grabbed a nearby shovel and hopped into the cart. Dipper followed my lead, hurriedly buckling himself in. When he gave me the go-ahead, I turned the key, put the cart in 5th gear, and put the pedal to the medal. And DAMN, was that cart a fast motherfucker. Pushing 60 mph at the highest speed, we tore through the forest, where Mabel had mentioned going. After a point, I stopped hearing the world. I had gotten into the Zone. Nothing could stop me now. After a while, a piercing 'FUCK OFF' could be heard, which I knew belonged to our Mabs. I jerked the steering wheel clockwise and we veered to the right. Ahead of us was I could make out Mabel surrounded… gnomes? Smiling grimly, I got up and grabbed the shovel. A gnome with a brown beard turned around and said "Hey the-". He never got farther. I made sure of that. Silently, calmly, I offered my hand to a stunned Mabel. She took my hand and I pulled her up and hurried her to the cart, where Dipper had already moved to the back of the cart. She climbed into the passenger's seat, I into the driver's seat. Dipper silently tapped Mabel and made an odd gesture, which Mabel interpreted as 'put on the seatbelt'. When Mabs gave me the go-ahead, I swerved and peeled outta there. After a few uneventful seconds, I calmed down and started to laugh. "Thank God that's over," Dipper sighed. "Those guys were kind of annoying, but not really a threat."

"Pay up." I said, glancing back at the Dipshit. Grumbling, he handed me the five bucks. And then the ground shook. And shook again. Confused, I looked in the wing mirror to see...A GIANT GNOME COMPRISED ENTIRELY OF REGULAR GNOMES. Calmly, with every ounce of seriousness, I said, "I do believe we are about to die by gnome. SHIIIIIIIIT-"

CUT TO : the first scene.

Screaming, I swerved and dodged the thrown tree! Only to tip the cart over onto its side. After this, I blacked out. I woke up a few minutes later bloody and in pain. "Owww…" I moaned, sitting up. Squinting through bloodied eyelashes, I saw the twins confronting the gnome creature. The brown-beard(or Jeff, evidently)was negotiating a truce. I looked around and grabbed the nearest weapon, a leaf blower, and painfully got up. Dipper glanced at the movement and nodded slightly. Nodding back, I slowly approached Jeff from his blind side. "Well, don't mind if I-" Jeff stopped mid-sentence and started to turn around. He never did. Before he could, I had already sucked him into the leaf blower. Looking at Mabs, I asked, "Care to do the honors?"

"Oh hell yes. Yes please."

"On 3. 1, 2…" Before I could finish counting, Mabel had already flicked the switch to enter blow mode, launching Jeff into his odd gnome monstrosity. They exploded into separate gnomes and sat there, confused. Dipper methodically scooped them up and tossed them into the woods until the yard was clear. I limped over to the nearby porch an winced as I sat down. Mabel hurried over and inspected the gash on my forehead. Worried, she said, "You need medical attention. This is a really bad wound." Dipper pulled out his phone, calling the ER. "On the bright side," she continues, smiling weakly, "You're gonna have a sick scar."

"Oh boy…" I said, slipping in and out of consciousness. "Sounds cool." I returned the weak smile before slumping onto Mabel, losing energy. The last thing I heard was Dipper shouting to get an ambulance here immediately.