A Day At The Cullen's
~Chapter 1: Oh Dear!~
Bella's pov
It was just about midnight, and Edward and I were having our "alone" time,
as my sister-in-law Rosalie calls it. We were on our bed making love, entirely
in bliss. He held me with all his might not wanting to let go anytime soon. I,
never wanting him to let go, held on to him as well. He started to kiss my neck
and...other places, and my fingers were tangled in his bronze hair. We were in
ecstasy.
"Daddy? Momma? What are you doing?" Our daughter Renesmee asked us puzzled,
holding her teddy bear Emmett won for her when they went to the amusment park,
because both of her parents were naked on a bed tangled into each other. Edward
hurried to cover ourselves with the blanket.
"Edward! Why didn't you tell me she was coming?" I whispered so low only Edward
could hear.
"I was preoccupied, I didn't hear her mind."
"Mommy? Daddy?"
"Sweetie go back to your room; I'm coming okay?" I said to Renesmee.
"Okay, Momma." She said still confused.
"I'm sorry, love, I should have known." Edward said still apologizing.
"It's not your fault, Edward. It's my fault I was the one preoccupying you." I
said biting my lower lip, and it was making Edward mad with lust. He attacked me
laying over me kissing hard and demanding.
"Wait, stop! I have to go to Renesmee." He groaned in protest, and I giggled.
"Momma!" Renesmee called from her room.
"I'm coming sweetie!" I got up from Edward's arms, and walked to my over-sized
closet to put on some clothes. Then walked to Renesmee's room. She looked about
six years old. She was sitting Indian style in her lavender silk pj's, still
holding her teddy bear, on her new baby pink bed. I sat next to her, and held
her like she was a baby again. She smiled at me.
"Momma...what were you and Daddy doing?"
"Well, Sweetie...we were...playing a game." I told her hoping it would drop the
subject.
"What kind of game, Momma?"
"Umm...one that you can only play when your married."
"Okay, does Grandpa, Grandma, Auntie Rose, Uncle Emmett, Auntie Alice, and Uncle
Jasper play that game too?"
"Umm...yeah of course; their married too."
"Okay, Momma, I'm tired. Can I go to bed?"
"Of course, Sweetie." I said as I tucked her in her bed, and kissed her
forehead. Well that was easier than I thought.
"Goodnight, love you Momma!"
"Sweet dreams, Sweetie, love you too." She fell asleep as soon as the door
closed. I turned around to go back to Edward, and I jumped.
"I'm sorry, Bella. Wait! Did I scare you?" He looked like he was holding in the
laughter.
"No!" I lied. Then he laughed, and picked me up, at my waist, to kiss me. I
wrapped my legs around his waist. He carried me into our room, and layed me on
our bed.
~Chapter 2: WTF?~
Bella's pov
It was about seven in the morning when Edward and I "woke up", and got
dressed. Edward wore kakis and pullover, and I wore a blue sundress and silver
ballet flats. When Renesmee woke up I went to change her, because today we was
spending the day with the rest of our family. She picked a lavender sundress,
and white flats. We met up with Edward at the door waiting for us.
"Princess, you looked beautiful!" Edward said picking her up, and twirling her
in the air.
"Thanks Daddy!" Renesmee answered giggling, and wrapped her little arms around
his neck.
"So do you love." Edward said kissing me.
"Thank you, and so do you." I said winking, and pinched his butt without
Renesmee seeing. I giggled when he jumped. He gave me his famous crooked smile.
We left the cottage, and ran to the main house. When we got there we saw Alice
playing SingStar the rap version. Then we saw Esme, sitting on the counter in
the kitchen, making out with Carlisle. Why does it seem like Renesmee is now
surrounded by sex? When Edward cleared his throat Esme and Carlisle looked up
startled, and stepped apart. Carlisle had coral colored lipstick all over his
face and neck, and Esme's lips looked swollen from kissing.
"Were's Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper?" I asked them.
"Umm...Emmett and Jasper left in Emmett's jeep to pick up Rosalie in New York.
She went see some Broadway show last night. They brought her, but came home
after. They should be home any minute." As Esme finished saying that the door
opened. Rosalie came through with leaves in her hair and mud all over her red
dress and silver stilettos. She went to sit on the couch. She looked livid.
"Rose?...What happened?" Alice asked Rose really slowly.
"I waited...outside...of the theater...for two hours! Those two...JACK
ASSES...left me there! I had to freaken run here!" She screamed.
"Rose, language" Esme said nodding to Renesmee still in Edward's arms. Esme then
wrapped Rose in a hug.
"Where are they?" Carlisle asked.
"I don't f...know." Rose answered him. As she said that Emmett and Jasper walked
into the house; they sounded very excited about something. Rose tried to get out
of Esme's grip to hurt them, but Alice helped Esme hold her down. Edward,
Renesmee, and I were just standing very confused.
"Emmett, Jasper, where have you two been?" Carlisle asked them seeming very
frustrated.
"You guys will never believe what happened to us!" Emmett screamed. Jasper was
jumping up and down in excitement.
"Okay well then why don't you two just tell us." Esme told them.
"We got in a wreck!" Jasper screamed.
"What?" Alice asked him.
"We got in a wreck!" Emmett screamed.
"Are you two okay?" Esme asked actually concerned.
"Of course! Were vampires Mom!" Emmett screamed and Jasper nodded.
"Are you sure?" Esme asked again.
"Yes, but listen! We was going down Time Square, and it was snowing there. And
we skid a little, but they had a white limousine that kept sliding! And it hit
us! And guess who came out of it!" Jasper screamed.
"Who?" We all said.
"He said guess!" Emmett screamed.
"We give up!" We all screamed
"MEGAN FOX!" Emmett and Jasper screamed at us.
"What?"
"You know the very hot actress with the skinny waist, big ass, double D's!"
Emmett and Jasper screamed again, and as they said double D's they grabbed their
non-existent breasts.
"We know who she is!" Edward, Esme, Carlisle, and I screamed. Surprisingly Rose
and Alice wasn't mad that their husbands were in love with Megan Fox, because
that's their idol too. Scary...I know. Emmett and Jasper was showing Alice and
Rose the autographs they got for them. Edward, Carlisle, Esme, Renesmee, and I
was just still in shock.
"Oh by the way, Dad, I don't wanna get my Jeep fixed. It's only a dent, but it's
my Megan Fox dent." Emmett said to Carlisle. We just about just stood there all
day. Sometimes I wonder if they get more retarded with age.
~Chapter 3: Truth or Dare: Cullen Style~
Bella's pov
Renesmee was spending the week at Charlie's house; so Edward and I was planning
on not leaving our room at all. At this moment it was 6 o'clock, and we just
dropped Renesmee off. We are in the Volvo holding hands, and Claire da Lune was
playing in the background. We pulled into the little two car garage near our
cottage, and Edward came and carried me out.
"Ready to start the week early?" Edward asked me with a mischievous crooked
smile.
"Hell yes! I just don't want it to end, but I'll miss Renesmee." I said
laughing, and he laughed too. Then he kissed me, and led us to our dark bedroom.
We was starting to rip off each others shirts. But we heard a gasp, a giggle,
and saw a small red light. Edward flicked the light switch that was right above
the headboard on our bed, but the six people there surprised us more. Carlisle,
Esme, Alice, Rosalie, Jasper, and Emmett. Great...just goddamn great! Edward was
just staring at them in shock.
"Edward! This is just as bad when Renesmee walked in!" I hissed.
"WAIT! NESSIE WALKED IN? ON YOU TWO!" Emmett screamed at the top of his lungs,
and laughing his ass off. I growled at him, and he finally stopped after Esme
hit up-side the head.
"Why are you filming this Jasper?" I growled at Jasper holding a hand-held
video camera; which was the source of the red light.
"Well, we came to see if you two wanted to play Truth or Dare: Cullen Style. You
know like last month, and well you know we film it all for the years to come.
Well...umm...yeah...DON'T HIT ME!" Jasper yelled throwing the camera to
Carlisle, who caught it and took it off. Jasper, then, protected his face with
his hands, and ran to the corner shivering. Wow, he really didn't learn that
vampire's are not that scared after the Russian army incident during last
month's Truth or Dare: Cullen Style. Nice to know.
"Well? Do you wanna play? Pretty pwease with sugar on top!" Alice asked jumping
up and down. Edward and I looked at each other, and I let my shield back so he
can hear my mind. This might be the only way so they can leave, I thought to
Edward. He nodded.
"Fine, Let's do this" Edward told them, as we stood to go to the family room.
~Chapter 4: Esme Is An Evil Witch!~
Emmett's pov
YAY! WE GONNA PLAY DARE OR TRUTH!
"It's Truth or Dare, Emmett." Edward, my oh so amazing brother, said to me. GET
OUT OF MY AMAZINGLY SMARTICLE BRAIN, EDDIE!
"DON'T CALL ME EDDIE!"
"FINE! HOW ABOUT EDDIEKINS!" I screamed back.
"HELL NO!
"Fine, Jerk!" I called him. And he groaned. I wonder if he does that alot when
him and Bellsy-Boo are f-
"EMMETT! CONTROL YOUR THOUGHTS!" Edward, my oh so not so happy brother,
screamed.
"Sorry." I said. You really don't want to get on his bad side.
"Your already on my bad side."
"Oh, damn."
"Boys, please stop this nonsense." Carlisle, my oh so amazing father, said to me
and my oh so amazing/not so happy brother.
"Okay, Big Poppa!" I said happily sitting on the sofa.
"Emmett don't start with the Big Poppa again! Please!" Carlisle pleaded.
"kay." The rest of my, oh so loving, family was just staring at us.
"I'll go find a bottle." Bella said, walking out of the family room. When she
came back we all sat on the floor. The seating arrangement, oh big word, was
Carlisle, Esme, Bella, Alice, Rose, Jasper, Edward, and Emmy-Bear. Wait a
minute! Emmy-Bear? Where'd that come from? OH WELL I LIKE IT!...okay I better
stop I think Edward has a headache already. Anywhooo, Esme decided to spin
first, and it landed on...Bella.
"Oh shit!" Bella muttered to herself. And everyone felt sorry for Bella, but was
happy it wasn't them. Well, Edward looked terrified. I was overjoyed it wasn't
me! You wanna know why? CAUSE ESME IS A FUCKEN WITCH! She acts all motherly
and cuddly,and then...BAM! She comes up with the most scary, unreal, and
embarrassing dares and truths! I CAN'T EVEN TOP HER NO ONE CAN! CARLISLE IS
ALWAYS TERRIFIED OF HER WHEN WE PLAY THIS! THAT'S WHY WE TRY TO DO IT WHEN THEIR HUNTING, BUT THEN SHE SOMEHOW FINDS OUT! IT'S LIKE HER WITCHY SENSES ARE TINGLING! okay the witchy senses are a little much, it's more like vampire
senses...wait no not even that cause she really overhears us talking about it. BUT!
ESME...IS...PURE...!
Poor Bella looked like she was gonna cry!
"Hmmm...let us see let us see...how about...no chocolate and gay men aren't
enough...I GOT IT! Bella you must dress in black lingerie, seven inch heels, and
tons of makeup and cleavage. Then, go to Walmart...no not Walmart...go to
Toy-R-Us, and flirt with every young boy that goes in! And! You must play
sexually with all toys. If any father or grandfather or older brother or man
worker their stares at you, you must speak sexually to them to turn them on, but
of course when they try to kiss you! You kick them in the crouch so hard their
grand-kids can feel it, and run to the nearest police office and try to convince
them you were touch inappropriately and was almost raped." Esme the witch said.
Like I said !
Bella's pov
*dry sobbing* My mother-in-law is soooooo evil! Why the clothes? That I can
live without!
Edward's pov
Oh My Bella! S-s-she's a evil witch! Just like what Emmett was thinking!
Rosalie's pov
OH MYLANTA!
Carlisle's pov
God my wife is kind of mean to our daughter, but ESME IS A PRODIGY!
Alice's pov
*gasp* Ana does NOT deserve to be kicked off of America's Next Top Model! THIS IS
AN OUTRAGE!
Jasper's pov
Awwww poor Bella! oh well she's doing it not me! I wonder what's happening on
Little House On The Prairie.
"OH MA GAWD! Jazzy! Mary is blind!" Alice screamed
"Screw you, Alice, Screw you!"
Esme's pov
!
~Chapter 5: Sixty-Five Year Old Perverts!~
Bella's pov
"Do I have tooooo?" I whined to my family.
"Well..." Carlisle said as taking out the Cullen Family Rule and Games Book. Yes
we do have a rule book. It's about the size of all the Harry Potter books
together times twenty! NO LIE!
"Let us see...Aliens and Wizards,...no Strip Aliens and Wizards, no...Monopoly,
no...Strip Monopoly, no...Poker, no...Strip Poker, no...Twister, no...Strip
Twister, no...DDR, no...SingStar, no...Ah! Here it is 1,001 rules to Truth or
Dare...no...no...ohhh, ummm Bella I'm sorry, but you have too. It's rule number
65-All dares must be done according to the person of saying. Also, rule number
1-All truths and dares must be on film." Carlisle said apologetically.
"Fine, I'll be back." I went to the over-sized closet, and put on a black lacy
lingerie. I looked just like the one I wore for Edward and I's Honeymoon. I put
on some red seven inch heels. I then went to the bathroom connecting to the room
that we never used, but was a prop. I put on bright red lipstick, thick
eyeliner, and curled my hair. I looked at myself in the mirror. I look like an
official New York prostitute! Awesome! By the way, that's sarcasm. But I have to
admit I look pretty damn sexy! I can't wait to see Edward's face! It took me
only ten minutes to dress. I walked down the hall, and into the living room.
Everyone's . jaw . dropped! But Edward's face was the best! He looked like he
would jump on me, and he would tear up the lingerie even if he loved it! YAY!
His eyes turned pitch black with lust even though they were bright gold ten
minutes ago.
Edward's pov
GODDAMMIT BELLA YOUR TURNING ME ON! WHY DOES THE REST OF MY FAMILY HAVE TO BE HERE? UGGHHH! WHY IS MY MOTHER AND WIFE DOING THIS TO
ME?
Esme's pov
Ohh my darling Bella is so beautiful! She's gonna be so embarrassed MAWAHAHAHAHA!
Carlisle's pov
...
Jasper's pov
...
Emmett's pov
D-D-DAMMMNNNNNNNN! BELLA'S HOTTTTTTTTTT!
Rosalie's pov
OH MA GAWD! WHY IS EMMETT STARING AT BELLA'S CLEAVAGE? AND
DROOLING?
Alice's pov
*wiping non-existent tears* My little Bella has finally learned how to put on
makeup, dress, and walk in heels!
Bella's pov
I couldn't help giggling at Edward's expression.
"Okay, guys let's get this over with." I said to my family. They nodded and got
up. Edward, Carlisle, Esme, and I went in Edward's Volvo. The others went in
Emmett's jeep. When we arrived at Toys-R-Us everyone got out but Edward and I.
"Come on you two!" Esme said smirking for what would happen next.
"No, Esme you can't force Bella into anything! I wont allow it!" Edward yelled
at Esme while holding on to me. I smiled staring at my beautiful, amazing, and
sweet husband. He's gonna get something special for that tonight. tehehe!
Edward's pov
"Yes I can actually it's a dare!" Esme screamed back at me. So HA! she thought.
"No! She's my wife! And she can't do anything I don't allow!" I screamed back at
my inconsiderate mother. Right after said that I heard a small gasp from my
angel in my arms. I stared at her she had a shocked expression that quickly
turned to anger.
"What did you just say?" Bella screamed/asked me.
"I...umm...I...said...I...love you?" I stammered. When she gets like this it
really terrifies me.
"NO YOU DIDN'T!"
"I'm sorry, love, I was only trying to help." I defended myself.
"I can do anything I want! Watch me! I'm gonna do this weither you like it or
not!" She screamed at me.
"Also, I was going to give you a present tonight, but from that little outburst
you wont get anything for...hmmm... I don't know two days of no intamacy should
be good enough." She said in an innocent voice, and holding up two fingers when
she said two days. But, I was speechless! I couldn't go one night without her
much less two! I mouth just dropped, and it felt like I would cry if I could.
"B-b-b-b-but B-b-b-b-bella!" I whined.
"No buts! Now if you excuss me I'm going give 70, 40, and 5 year olds some
erections." She said sweetly leaving us to go inside.
"EDDIE'S NOT GETTING ANYTHING FOR TWO DAYS! OH OH EDDIE IF YOU WANT YOU CAN HAVE A THREESOME WITH ROSIE AND I!" Emmett was screaming at me until Rose hit
him up-side the head.
"Emmett, get a life!" Alice told him. Then we all walked in to Toy-R-Us to see
Bella talking to a little 5 year old boy with blonde hair. Bella was holding one
of those horse heads on a stick thing and put it between her legs and started to
gallop around the boy yelling, "Go Texas horsy go!" She then went into aisle 7.
Bella's pov
I went into asile 7 and saw a old man about 75 or so with what I guessed was his
grandson. A little while later his grandson left to go to another aisle, and I
looked back at my family. Jasper had the video camera, and the rest was
watching. So, I walked to the old man.
"Hi, My name is Bella. Whats yours?" I asked in a sexual voice, and rubbing my
index finger in circles on his chest. This is disgusting.
"M'names Edward Wihazagger." He said. Well, I think he said Wihazagger he didn't
have any teeth in his mouth and he kept talking with a lisp. Anywho! Wow, the
old guy I'm flirting with has the same name as my husband...just...wierd.
"Well, can I help you?" He asked.
"Yes, actually. You see I'm in need of a man who knows how to work it and turn
me on." I said in his, very hairy, ear in a sexual voice.
"Oh, well let me go find my teeth so I can play with your young
whipper-snapper." He said walking away. Did he just call my...down there...a
whipper-snapper? WTF? Then I just remembered Esme's other
instructions to kick him in the balls so hard his grandkids can fell it. I
walked to the old man and kneed him in balls, and guess what! He didn't even
flinch! I guess his dick is long out of comission, but his grandson, that came
back down the aisle, was now screaming and holding himself. Now to go to a
police station and pretend I was almost raped.
~Chapter 6: Chief John?~
Bella's pov
I walked over to my family, and saw Emmett, Jasper, Alice, and Rose laughing
their asses off at the whipper-snapper shit and the kicking him in the dick and
him not feeling it at all. Edward still looked sad that I punished him. Carlisle
was in shock, and Esme was giggling and smirking.
"Police." Esme said in a singsong voice.
"I know, I know." I ran, human speed, to the police station across the street. I
was still dressed in the black lingerie and red heels. I ran to the first desk
to a man that had a Chief badge like my dad Charlie has.
"Umm...Hello, I'm Chief John, can I help you?...Wait a minute you look familar.
Have I seen you before?" He asked. He looked familar too; I tried remembering
some of my human memories. He was staring me down...gross.
"Wait! Yeah! Your Charlie's daughter Bella! I remember when my wife and I went
to your wedding to Dr. Cullen's son!" he said. Oh yeah! Wait! Great! Now Charlie
would probably hear about his daughter coming into the Seattle police office
dressed in black lingerie and cleavage claiming to be almost raped.
"Yeah, I am. But I came here for help!" I said pretending to cry.
"Oh, okay what is it?" He asked concerned now.
"I was in Toys-R-Us and old guy tried to rape me!" I screamed "sobbing". From
the corner of my eye I saw my family outside the window with the camera. Edward
gestured me hurry up.
"Oh dear! Where is your husband? No! Maybe I should call your da-"
"NO!"
"Excuse me? But you just said-"
"I know what I said! I'm not having sex with you!"
"I-huh? what?" He studdered
"You heard me! I'm happily married! I'm not having sex with you!" I screamed at
him, and stood up to leave. When I was halfway out of the threshold I turned
back around and tried my best Rachel Berry impersonation and said, "See you
later...Stud." I then left Chief John all confused, and I saw my family laughing
their asses off but their was one person I was pissed off at right now and it
wasn't Esme.
"Alice! You little shit!" I screamed once we was back at our cars.
"What?"
"Oh, you know what! You knew that he knew Charlie and you didn't even warn me! He
could be calling Charlie right now!" I screamed at her.
"He's not calm down Bells!" Alice said giggling.
"Uggh! Edward!" I screamed even though he was right by me.
"What is it, love?"
"I need you! Now!" He got a misceavious smile grabbed me and ran to the nearest
woods which just happened to be right near Toys-R-Us.