Title: Fears
Summary: Mark has his fears. And now he has to face them all.
Notes: Takes place after "Goodbye Love" (ignore that "What You Own" comes immediately after for the sake of this fic, okay?) I wrote this a few hours ago and ended up putting a lot of my soul into this. Thus the reason for the emo!Mark. It's not necessarily a 'songfic', I just had an idea for this and the song was playing so I decided to put the lyrics with the fic for those that might want to read it. Except that I don't think I'm allowed to, so go an Google the song "I'm Not Afraid of Anything" from the album "Songs For A New World" (if you want, it makes more sense to me after reading the lyrics).
When I was little I used to bathe, well, my mom used to bathe me. I never could stand to be let alone in that large tub of water for so long. She never understood but seemed okay with it. It was just meant more time for her to be all motherly. You'd think that a shower would be different. But it's not. The water runs past you, showing you everything, knowing that you can't hide. It jerks your eyes to every angle, ever curve and mocks you. I can't seem to stay in the shower longer than two minutes. But I'll take a shower over a bath any day. A bath is the worst. The fear of the water enveloping me and sucking me under to where I no longer moved or knew who I am is always there.
Roger just thinks I'm quick, but in reality, I'm afraid of water.
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The power blows.
Lightning and thunder do some mumbo jumbo and attack the electricity.
Roger turns off the light in my room.
I hate the dark. That deep developing that surrounds you and takes you in when you least expect it. Fear of never seeing the light again. That you'll just lie there and never see anything ever again. Or when you wake, it'll be worse than all the darkness, you'll be awake but yearn for the darkness. That's its trick. Like morphine, it'll get you addicted. So I stay away from it as much as I can. But I can't hide forever.
I sleep just fine; I just can't seem to get past the darkness when my eyes are open.
He thinks I'm weird, but really, I'm afraid of darkness.
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Babies. They frighten me because in this world there are so many sharp turns that can take you. That can kill you. That can make you what they want you to be. That can take what you are and force you into their tiny squares and make you conform to their ways. That can take your hope for the future and extinguish it so quick you won't realize what had happened. You'll look up and have no faith, no hope, and especially not the thought of love.
AIDS. Alcoholism. Alzheimer's. And that's just the A's.
A child being born into this world has no defense against it. Against anything.
He thinks I'm just being spiritless, but I'm afraid of babies.
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Tears. Those falling drops that are actually acid burning from your soul. They come from your soul, deep where you hide them and they betray you into forming into something that others can see openly. They fall and do the unthinkable. They make you feel worse than you already are. Everyone says that you should cry but in reality all you're doing is ripping open the wounds and facing the thing you refuse to. Facing the fact that it is right in front of you.
He thinks I'm just being strong, but I'm afraid of crying.
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I never faced my problems. I never faced my issues. I never faced my reality.
Until now.
He left for Santa Fe and now in the emptiness of the loft, I have to face all of my fears.
I take a bath, I sit in the dark, I hear a baby cry, and I let the tears fall. I remember the fears. I remember the burn of pain as he left.
He thinks I long for a community of my own, when all I really want is for him to come back.