Content: "The New Pizza Pie in the Sky: We Do Take Outcasts" (Crossover: X-overs & TaleSpin, Rated K, Fantasy/Humor, Louie; Other Fandoms: Myst/Riven AU, Men in Black Dilbert, DuckTales, Full House, Get Smart, Inkheart movieverse, Magic School Bus, Series of Unfortunate Events movieverse/bookverse)
Summary: In this ten-way crossover,Atrus helps Louie and Baloo revive Pizza Pie in the Sky and recommends an unusual assortment of characters to employ. Dogbert doesn't like Phoebe, Phoebe doesn't like Larabee, Larabee doesn't like Kimmy, and Kimmy and Launchpad are fast friends. Also starring Agent J, the Baudelaires, and the Folcharts. Characters may act OOC on account of "linking-book lag."
Author's Notes: I came up with the idea of this crossover back when TaleSpin was on the Disney Channel, back when, on that channel, there was truly something for everyone. Some of the characters are the same, others are new. Another major difference between "Pizza Pie" now and then is that now it's a prose series and then it was a fan comic. I didn't make very many of them, though.
I decided to make Atrus have access to all these fandoms because I thought that the linking book is a good tool to use to teleport from one world to another. The linking books in this series work differently than the linking books in the Myst computer game series.
The concept of "The New Pizza Pie in the Sky" may remind you of Disney's House of Mouse. When I first saw a commercial for that TV show, I was super-excited, but after watching the first five to ten episodes, I was disappointed because it was mostly cartoons from Mickey's Mouse Works. Hopefully you'll like this mega-crossover series set in a restraurant more than I liked House of Mouse.
The New Pizza Pie in the Sky
Pilot/Episode 1: We Do Take Outcasts
Chapter 1: No Longer any Monkey Business
In the Age of D'ni, there was a man named Atrus. He lived in Tomahna with his wife Catherine and daughter Yeesha. In Tomahna he had two libraries. One library had ordinary books, many of which were journals. The other library was hidden behind the ordinary library, and it was Atrus's collection of linking books. Linking books were what the D'ni used to teleport from one age to another. An Age wasn't a time period, but a universe. Atrus explored many Ages by touching linking books that were written by him and other Writers like Catherine and Yeesha.
Catherine didn't do nearly as much linking as her husband, until she went through a phase of Writing linking books nonstop. After making about a hundred trips, Catherine discovered that she had the ability to Write linking books that linked to stories written by authors who didn't know the Art. In other words, Catherine visited the worlds of movies, TV shows, comics, and electronic games. At first, Atrus thought that Catherine was crazy that they were characters in a game series called "Myst," until Catherine brought Atrus to an Age and stumbled upon a group of youths with hologram-like devices on their laps. That was when the two Writers learned about LAN parties. But neither Catherine nor Atrus nor Yeesha knew how to Write books that linked to pieces of literature such as novels, chapter books, or picture books. Atrus met some people who could summon literary characters, but that's another story. Well, actually, that's this story, but it's much later in the story.
One of the media Ages Atrus explored was the Age of the TV series TaleSpin. He loved it because it was filled with adventure! There he met a bear named Baloo, who was a pilot for the air delivery service Higher for Hire, and an orangutan named Louie, who owned a restaurant called "Louie's." The bear and orangutan were not used to seeing humans, as humans did not exist in their world.
Atrus was tall, had broad shoulders, and was somewhat heavily set around the mid-section. He had a short beard of brown-blonde hair, the same color as the short cropped hair on his head. He had a wide chin, a large nose and eyes that see more then what he says suggests, as though his round spectacles give him a glance into the true nature of things.
Baloo was a six-and-a-half-foot-tall bear with gray fur. He wore a yellow shirt and a red flight cap. Louie was a three-and-a-half-foot-tall orangutan who wore a blue-and-green Hawaiian shirt (if Hawaii existed in that Age), a pink lei, and a straw hat.
One day, Baloo and Louie told Atrus about their attempt to run a pizza-delivery-by-air business called "Pizza Pie in the Sky," which didn't last very long—one episode to be precise. That day Louie had a new and even worse problem. All the monkeys who worked at his restaurant mysteriously vanished. Atrus guessed that the monkeys were kidnapped by someone who had access to a linking book that linked to Louie's basement. After Atrus told Louie that the monkeys may be in another Age, he promised he would try his best to find them. While Atrus was in Tomahna, he came up with an idea. What if characters from other worlds were to link to TaleSpin to eat their pizza? Atrus made another trip to Louie's basement. That time he wasn't alone, but Baloo and Louie didn't know it yet.
In the restaurant, after Atrus shared his idea, Louie asked Atrus how these characters would pay for the pizza, since each world has their own form of currency. Atrus suggested that the characters could barter anything of equal or greater value for either a slice of pizza or a whole pizza. For example, they could give them food from their world, articles of clothing, accompaniment on a quest, or a rare magical artifact they could use for the day.
Atrus told them that the new Pizza Pie in the Sky would have many purposes. Its primary function, of course, would be a restaurant. It would also be a place for family entertainment. But the most important use for the new Pizza Pie in the Sky is a headquarters for characters belonging to various organizations to discuss special missions. Atrus belonged to the Guild of Writers—which is a D'ni guild—and the League of Extra-Special Gentlemen—a multiversal league. Louie and Baloo figured that it was worth a shot. Then Atrus suggested that they hire certain characters from other worlds.
"Who'd ya have in mind?" Louie asked.
"Well..." Atrus began, "you may think that my recommendations are silly."
"Aw, come on Atrus," Baloo said, "Why would we ever think that? Who do you think we are? Becky?"
"Well," Atrus continued, tugging his collar, "I was thinking that you should hire characters that meet at least one of the following criteria: Someone who needs refuge or someone who gets on someone else's nerve."
Baloo and Louie stared at Atrus.
"Allow me to explain. Better yet, allow Men in Black Agent J to explain."
At that moment, Agent J from the Men in Black movies came up from the basement. Agent J was a young African American man who wore a black suit, a white shirt, a black tie, and black sunglasses.
"Agent J, do you have the portfolios?" Atrus asked.
"Yes, sir, linking-book dude," Agent J said, "These first refugees have experienced a series of unfortunate events."
"Which world did they come from?" Louie asked.
"A Series of Unfortunate Events," Agent J replied.
"I shoulda known," Louie said.
Agent J looked through the portfolios and he read three of the characters' profiles. "Violet Baudelaire, age 16. Strengths: invents gadgets on the spot. You'll know that she is working on an invention once she ties up her hair with a ribbon. Klaus Baudelaire, age 14. Strengths: finds reading fundamental. He can remember the content of every book he has ever read. Ever. Ever. Sunny Baudelaire: Age 3. Strengths: has four sharp teeth and mean cooking skills, man. I don't know why they let a girl that age near fire. And why she would want to after what she has suffered through."
"What Unfortunate Events have these three—siblings, are they?—suffered through exactly?" Baloo asked.
"They're not only siblings, they're orphans," Agent J replied.
"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that."
"Actually," continued Agent J, "I have reason to believe that their parents are alive."
"Uh, Agent J..." Atrus started.
"I'm pretty confident that Mr. and Mrs. Baudelaire did not perish in the fire of their mansion, but were abducted by aliens."
"Agent J, I keep telling you that there are no aliens in A Series of Unfortunate Events!"
"How do you know? It's like what you and Mo say: worlds go beyond what the author has created and it's possible for them to develop themselves."
"Who's this 'Mo' you're referring to?" Louie asked.
"Mortimer Folchart," Atrus answered. "He's from the Inkheart-world. Not to be confused with the Inkworld."
"Huh?" Louie was confused about why Atrus said that they shouldn't be confused.
"It's a long story," Atrus said, "but I shall try to make it brief. Mortimer and his wife Resa and their daughter Meggie need refuge also. Refuge from people who don't understand what it's like to be them. But I understand perfectly. Like myself, Mo and Meggie have a special ability involving books."
"You mean Mo and Meggie are linking-book authors also?" Baloo asked.
"No. You see, linking books contain worlds that have already been created before the author of the linking book wrote the linking book. Some of those worlds are 'movieverse,' some 'televisionverse,' some 'comicverse,' some 'gameverse,' etc., that were created by multiple authors. But Mo and Meggie's powers involve books where the worlds are created by one, maybe two, authors. Mo and Meggie have the ability to read characters out of books without having to go inside them. These worlds are what you might call 'bookverse.'"
"I getcha Atrus," Baloo said. Then he whispered to Louie, "I think I'm gonna make like Klaus and start findin' readin' fundee, fundee..."
"Fundamental," Agent J said helpfully. "And now for the Four Nuisances."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" exclaimed Louie, "You mean those are all the refugees?"
"Those are all the refugees that are not classified as annoying," Agent J said. "You may like this one, Baloo, but Mrs. Cunningham...not so much. He's a pilot, too, and also like you, his boss was prone to lose his temper over his mistakes."
"'Was?'" Baloo asked, "Did he get fired?"
"That's confidential."
"I'm interested in learnin' more about him. What's his name?"
"Uh...I forgot." Agent J went through all the portfolios in his hands. "That's funny. I thought I had everybody's portfolio." He looked inside all of the portfolios in case the profiles got mixed up. "Nope, not there." Then Agent J shouted out through Louie's front door, "Hey! Dogbert! I don't have the portfolios for the Four Nuisances. What's the name of the duck pilot?"
At that moment, a cute little white dog wearing glasses and what looked like a police hat entered the room.
"Launchpad McQuack!" the dog replied. He introduced himself to Baloo and Louie. "I'm Dogbert, Deputy of Common Sense." Then Dogbert said to Agent J, "Here are the Four Nuisances' portfolios. Here's his profile. Weaknesses: has crashed every plane he has ever flown, except for one. Why did Scrooge McDuck hire him in the first place? Oh, yeah, all the other pilots were too expensive. That Scrooge is such a...well...Scrooge. He literally swims in his money." Dogbert pantomimed a doggie paddle.
"And you envy him," Agent J assumed.
Dogbert ignored the comment. "I understand, Louie, that you act all crazy whenever you're near anchovies."
"That's right. I don't have to serve them do I?"
"No, you see, Launchpad has a similar problem with pizza toppings. Mushrooms make him sneeze."
"Then why did you decide to hire someone who's allergic to mushrooms to work for a pizza business?"
"It builds character."
"What Dogbert means," Agent J said, "is that he was given the job of 'Sample Deliverer to the Outside Worlds.' He will deliver cheese and pepperoni pizzas to characters who are unaware of the new Pizza Pie in the Sky. If he does a good job, we may promote him to 'Order Deliverer to the Outside Worlds.'"
"So, does this means that we're not gonna serve mushrooms?" Baloo asked.
"It should be okay to have mushrooms on the menu," Dogbert said. "He'd rarely be here. And he has medicine." Then Dogbert thought to himself, One down, three to go.
"So, one down, three to go." Baloo said.
"Whoa!" Dogbert exclaimed with fur standing on end. "How did you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Never mind. The second of the Four Nuisances is Phoebe Terese."
"What's her problem?" Louie asked.
"What's her problem?! Ha! What's her problem? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"
"Deputy," Agent J said, "will you stop laughing like an evil genius and tell him what the problem is?"
"It's her old school."
"What's the problem with her old school?" Louie asked.
"I don't have a problem with her old school. I have a problem with that fourth grader talking about her old school all the time. It's 'At my old school' this and 'At my old school' that. Blah! Blah! Blah! At her old school there wasn't a magic school bus that turned into spaceships or submarines or dinosaurs. Wait till she becomes a student at my school. I'll teach her a lesson she'll never forget. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
"Deputy, you're laughing like an evil genius again." Agent J informed Dogbert.
I'm guessing that Phoebe is the Deputy of Common Sense's least favorite of the Four Nuisances. Louie thought to himself. I better be right.
Wanting Dogbert to move on, Agent J said to him, "Tell them about another nuisance."
"This character is really random...and stupid." Dogbert paused to review the portfolios in his paws. "Hey, technically, both of the remaining two are random and stupid. But the stories behind their randomness and stupidity are hard to figure out."
"Whatcha mean by that?" Baloo asked.
"Well, Kimmy Gibbler started out normal, sort of. Her neighbors from one house thought that she was annoying, except for, of course, her best friend. But when she started copying her best friend's homework, it doubled the annoyance factor."
"Doubled it? It squared it!" said Agent J.
"Yes, yes, either way, two times two is four. We get it," said Atrus. "Now for the final nuisance?"
"Yes," Louie said. "What's the story behind this other 'random and stupid' nuisance?"
"Well, we're not sure how it started," Dogbert said. "His profile isn't very detailed. It says here that his boss got more and more annoyed with him over time, while he got less and less annoyed with another employee. However, the boss still found the second employee annoying."
"What's strange," Agent J added, "is that the boss and the rest of the workers from that company were curious as how they could have so much in common when they rarely worked together. I wouldn't call them friends, but I wouldn't call them enemies, either. They're not companions, and yet they're not exactly rivals..."
"They're frenemies," Dogbert said confidently.
"Did you make that word up, Dogbert?" Agent J asked.
"Yes, I did. Just look it up in Dogbert's English Dictionary."
"That you wrote and you published?"
"And edited."
"Wait!" Baloo said. "What's this guy's name?"
"Larabee," Dogbert said.
Suddenly the basement door opened again.
"What did you want, Deputy Dogbert?" a voice from outside the door asked. The voice came from a forty-something-year-old man with short dark-brown and gray hair,on the short side, somewhat muscular and stocky. He has brown hair and eyes, a large nose and a round face. He wore a gray suit and his face looked austere.
"Nothing!" Dogbert said.
"Then why'd ya call me for?"
Then a short girl, dressed head to toe in red and yellow, entered right behind him, shoving her short auburn hair back out of her eyes with a yellow headband.
"He didn't," the eight-year-old girl told the man in his forties. "He was just reading your portfolio. Isn't that right, Deputy Dogbert?"
"Yeah. Sure. Whatever," Dogbert replied.
"That means 'affirmative' from 'Dogbert' to 'Phoebe,'" Agent J explained to Baloo and Louie.
"Mr. Larabee, I just don't understand why you often have so much difficulty determining the context."
"It wouldn't be as much of a problem if people spoke less ambiguously. I mean, I wouldn't mind an idiom every once in a while. I use idioms myself."
While Phoebe and Larabee were bickering, Louie whispered to Atrus, "He sure talks smart for being a 'stupid nuisance.'"
"He's smarter than Dogbert claims," Atrus explained. "Mo has been teaching Larabee words associated with English literature. Larabee's goal is to prove to his boss how smart he is."
"Miss Terese and Mr. Larabee," Dogbert said, "You're not supposed to come in here until I have sent Agent J to fetch you."
"So now I'm your dog, O Deputy of Common Sense?" Agent J asked sarcastically. Then Agent J pointed at Phoebe and Larabee. "So that must make them sticks and newspapers."
"Metaphors!" Larabee exclaimed.
Agent J put his hand down. "What?!"
"Metaphors! I know that we're not literally sticks and newspapers. Speaking of newspapers, I wish I had a crossword puzzle to solve." Lacking a newspaper with a crossword puzzle, Larabee took a notepad and a pencil from his coat pocket and started taking notes.
Agent J resumed his conversation with Dogbert. "Anyway, just who gave you the little police hat? Just because you have the portfolios of the Four Nuisances, which, by the way were supposed to be in my hands, that doesn't mean you have to belittle them, or me for that matter."
"Deputy Dogbert, what exactly have you been saying about me?" Phoebe asked.
"There's nothing to say about you besides what you usually say," Dogbert said.
Then Phoebe said to Baloo and Louie, "I kept trying to tell Deputy Dogbert that he has made a big mistake. I'm not the nuisance. Carlos is the nuisance with all those terrible puns of his. However, on occasion, I have suspected that he was the favorite student of my third-grade teacher Ms. Frizzle. Well, at least he has a sense of humor." Phoebe stared at Larabee.
"I do so have a sense of humor," Larabee said. "And you gave that same speech not too long ago."
"I did not!" Phoebe insisted.
"You did so! I just made a transcription that's identical to the one I made the other time you gave that speech." Larabee showed both transcriptions to Phoebe.
"I can't read shorthand," Phoebe said.
"But they're identical!" Larabee shook the transcriptions in frustration. "Well, Kimmy and Launchpad heard it, too." Then Larabee walked over to the door and opened it. He shouted, "Kimmy! Launchpad! Come in here!"
Then a thin, eighteen-year-old woman with shoulder-length dishwater blonde hair, wearing colorful and outlandish clothes entered the restaurant. A six-foot-tall duck with a big beak, and wearing a pilot's uniform walked right behind her.
"Yes, Mr. L? You called me?" said Kimmy the eighteen-year-old.
"Yes, I did. But please don't call me Mr. L."
"I thought that it was J's job to fetch us," Launchpad said.
"For once, Mr. McQuack, you are correct," Dogbert said.
"Kimmy, Launchpad, do you remember how Phoebe's 'Dogbert's Big Mistake' speech went?" Larabee asked.
"Sure do, Mr. L," Kimmy said. "It went, 'I kept trying to tell Deputy Dogbert that he has made a big mistake. I'm not the nuisance. Carlos is the nuisance with all those terrible puns of his.'"
Then Launchpad joined Kimmy. "'However, on occasion, I have suspected that he was the favorite student of my third-grade teacher Ms. Frizzle. Well, at least he has a sense of humor.'"
Phoebe thought for a moment, and finally she said, "They heard me through the basement."
Larabee sighed.
""Hey, Mr. A," Kimmy said to Atrus, "does my hut in Tomahna come with a toaster oven? I want to be able to eat my payment whenever I want."
Atrus looked confused. "What's a toaster oven?" he asked.
"I'll take that as a 'no.'"
"Well, I assure you, Kimmy, you will be paid in more than pizza."
"Will you pay me in Jell-O?"
"What's Jell-O?"
"Poor Atrus. You have a lot to learn about my world, and what a wonderful world it is."
"Hey, Mr. A," Launchpad said to Atrus, "Have you figured out whether I will get paid more than Mr. McD yet?"
"It depends on how many customers we get, Launchpad," Atrus said, "and what they have to offer. Maybe you and Larabee and Klaus can help me with the calculations."
"I can understand Klaus being helpful," Dogbert said, "but Larabee?"
"Me? Really?" Larabee asked.
"Well, Deputy, you are holding his portfolio," Agent J reminded him.
Larabee was curious. "Why do you think I would be helpful with this?"
"Because," Atrus said, "when it comes to money, you're a genius."
"Heh?"
Agent J turned to Dogbert and snatched the portfolios out of Dogbert's paws.
"Agent J: Ten, Dogbert: Zero," Agent J declared while waving the portfolios, and then he got serious. "According to your portfolio, Larabee, you are obsessed with comparing delicatessens. The company you worked for had its own delicatessen, but that didn't stop you from looking for the best bargain or for the best quality of food or the best quality of service."
"That's just a hobby," Larabee said.
"Perhaps, but it's your greatest strength. And you have compared prices and quality with all sorts of goods and services."
"I thought that my greatest strength was my secretarial skills."
"Eh, not really," Dogbert said.
"But both your money skills and secretarial skills will be very useful here," Atrus said.
"So, when do we get to meet the others?" Louie asked.
"What others?" Atrus asked.
"The Baudelaires and the Folcharts."
"Oh, those others. I'll go fetch them for you, Agent J. They're in the basement."
"Of course."