I'm bleeding out
Said if it's the last thing that I do
Is to bring you down
I'll bleed out for you.
Imagine Dragons
Lucy's POV
Bleeding out. That's what this feels like. "Jessica's back." Hearing the joy in Wyatt's voice as he explained why he broke out of the bunker, left me. I should have known. And then best friend Lucy takes over and I'm telling him that I'm happy for him. And I am. I am happy for him. I want Wyatt to get what he wants. I just want that to be me not Jessica.
"Yeah but you and me…" in that rough husky tone that I have come to love. Wyatt, was there ever really a you and me or was I just a placeholder? Something that you could have when you couldn't have her. I thought so but then you just left.
"Wyatt this is a good thing. What you've always wanted." And best friend Lucy is back breaking my own heart.
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Bleeding out. Returning from Salem, stepping out of the Lifeboat and seeing Wyatt. Meeting his blue eyes. Seeing the fear and concern and something that almost looked like love held there. Wanting to run to him. Have him hold me. Let Wyatt make me feel safe. Take away the anguish of my mother accusing me of witchcraft, the feeling of the noose around my neck and the knife in my arm. But then he looks back and I look up and there she is - Jessica.
Oh God, Jessica! I can't move. Just stand there frozen barely breathing. No thoughts just my heart bleeding out at Wyatts feet. And so I let Flynn put his arms around me and lead me down the stairs to safety away from them. It's not like I could feel anything else but pain. What harm could leaning on Flynn do.
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Bleeding out. "Wyatt" Surfacing to find Jiya gazing at me with pity. Explaining that Wyatt and the team had jumped. "Without me?" Am I so easy to replace? I know I'm not what he wants for his personal life, his future, but I thought he still needed me for missions. Thought that at least we'd still have that. One area where Wyatt was only mine, not shared with Jessica.
"What about what you want?" Jiya gently probes at my reasoning for letting go. For surrendering Wyatt to his wife without a fight.
Wyatt. What I want is Wyatt but that's what I can't have. Can't say that. Can't tell my friend Jiya because Jiya would tell Rufus. Rufus would yell at Wyatt. Or if not yell, Rufus would glare at him and make comments under his breath until Wyatt forced it out of him so… Nope. Can't say that.
"I'm fine." Even though we both know that's not really true.
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Bleeding out. "Hey, hey, you feeling any better?" And there's that look. Blue eyes all troubled and concerned and caring.
No. No, I'm not fine. I'm not fine because finally, finally you moved on. You saw me not her. We made love. And then you left without a word the moment she called. So no, I'm not fine. For just a moment, I allow myself to imaging telling him. Seeing those blue eyes flash with just a tiny bit of the hurt I'm feeling but then … Jessica.
"I'm fine" and walk away before he can see just how not fine I really am.
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Bleeding out. "She's just a teacher" and so I force myself to go along on the search. I know I'm not really physically up to it. Not healed from that Puritan's knife. But I can't bear the idea that she could encroach on our area. Certainly not that Jessica could share an aspect of a mission that was Wyatt's and mine, at least not without me along. And so now I'm here. Walking into the hospital with Wyatt and Jessica feeling like a third wheel.
"I remember that you never left my side. You slept in that uncomfortable chair for days. I remember that." Hearing them talk about Wyatt's poor record as a surfer. I didn't even know that he surfed. Watching as they exchange a look ripe with a lifetime of shared memories, of love, laughter, and a life together. How could I compete with that.
All my life never really good enough to me wanted for what I am. My mother wanted a Rittenhouse princess. Someone who would fall in line. Marry and breed where ordered. Noah wanted? I don't know what the hell Noah wanted but it wasn't me, not the real me. Wyatt - that was easy. He wanted Jessica.
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Bleeding out. "The way Wyatt looked at you." The hurt on Jessica's face. Oh God! I can't have this conversation. Not now. I'm so not ready for this conversation. That's why I've been avoiding Jessica. I don't want to have to discuss Wyatt with her. Or watch her with Wyatt. But Jessica just keeps talking.
"I get it. He thought I was dead. It's not like he was faithful to me before. I don't know why he'd be failhful to me now." Well isn't that a punch in the gut. Not faithful? Wyatt loved Jessica beyond measure. If anyone knows that it's me. How could he possibly have been unfaithful? Would Wyatt have been unfaithful to me? Nope, not going there. Just not. And Jessica just won't shut up. Why won't she shut up.
"Yesterday I was ready to divorce him" I don't want to hear this. Yet I can't crush the little flash of joy that her words bring. A brief leap of the heart, a moment of hope.
"And after seeing him like this I thought maybe he's right. Maybe he does deserve a second chance, but - I don't think I'm the one he should be getting that chance with." What? "Tell him I said bye. Okay?" Yes, I'll tell him. I barely bit back the words. I almost did it. Almost let her walk away. And then I imagine the look on Wyatt's face when I told him that Jessica left. That she wanted a divorce. Everything that I could possibly dream of. But I can't cause him that much pain. Jessica is all Wyatt has ever wanted. And all I've ever wanted is for him to be happy. To lose that look of guilt and pain that he always has. The look that I thought he lost with me. Oh Hell. If I can't be what Wyatt wants then at least I do my best to give him what he does want.
"Jessica wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Just don't leave yet." And I tell Jessica all of it. How Wyatt sent her a telegram from the past. How he stole the Lifeboat to prevent her killer's parents from ever meeting. She still doesn't look convinced. Damn that little voice in my head telling me to keep talking. Spurring me on to break my own heart. I can do it. I can convince my lover's wife not to leave him.
"My point is … Even though you weren't there, you were always on Wyatt's mind. He risked his job, his freedom, everything because he never stopped loving you. Not for a second. And all he wants, all that he has wanted, is a chance to show you that." And all I've ever wanted is to tell Wyatt that I love him & hear that he loves me but that won't happen. All I can do is show him by making sure that Jessica doesn't leave.
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Bleeding out. Those arms wrapped around me. Steadying me. Holding me however briefly. Something I never thought I'd feel again. I have to get out of here. I can't …
"Lucy, thank you." No, no, no! I can't do this now.
"Jessica's giving me a second chance and she said it was cause of you." You weren't supposed to know that. Why couldn't Jessica keep her damn mouth shut. Seems to be a real problem with her. He's so earnest. I can't believe he's thanking me for this. Damn idiot. How can he not see, not know, I don't want his gratitude. I want his love. Stupidly I hear myself mumbling something about the history he and Jessica have and how he deserves to be happy.
Stop. Don't keep walking towards me. Don't look at me like that.
"I have no regrets."
"Me neither." Liar. All I have are regrets. That I didn't tell you that I loved you. That we didn't have more time. That I didn't fight for you. That I believed that you could really want me.