"Now, please, he wants to talk to you before he goes"
"Not to you?"
"He doesn't really know me yet. Now he never will."
It hurt to say those words aloud, to admit the truth. To tell her that she was more important to him than I was, that in his last few moments of existing, she was the one he wanted to say goodbye to.
And I knew it was stupid to let it hurt me. Of course she was more important. She was his companion, his confidante, his friend… I had wondered for a while if there was more than friendship between them. Amy was young and pretty, and had not appeared to be oblivious to him. Who wouldn't be? Trust this incarnation to look like he was barely out of college. Typical Doctor. Knowing him, he would enjoy any opportunity to show off his youthful looks. Over 900 years old, powerful beyond all reckoning, and still needs the flattery of female attention. Some things would never change. The power of a timelord, and the ego of a human. Huh!
But who am I to judge. Dr. River Song, renowned archaeologist, faced with the possibility of the entire universe being wiped away out of existence, and what am I doing? Bitching about my own bruised ego. Stupid, stupid, stupid!
What was I to expect? That he would somehow magically know how our story would unfurl, that he would know how important he is to me… how important I am to him, or to future him, whatever. So much more to learn, so much more to do, and to see. And now it would never happen at all. He will never have existed. He will never experience all the adventures we had had. And neither will I. The adventures we already had will never have happened. I suppose I'll be missing out on a few new adventures as well. Shame. I would have like to see what would happen next, to see how things would pan out. The universe is a big and mysterious place. There is so much more we could have done together.
Sometimes, though, I wonder if I want to know what comes next. I see his eyes, and I see the pain in them whenever I laugh about all the things we've already done, and poke questions about what we've yet to do. He gets this look in his eyes, and changes topic before I can draw my breath. Sometimes I'm scared that he knows things, bad things, that I will someday be forced to encounter, things I really don't want to know. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. And sometimes, like now, when I realise that I'm going to lose him forever, I don't care. I would face anything, as long as I faced them with him at my side. I just wish I could tell him. I just wish that he'd care.