I'm sorry for the demon I've become
The once mighty White Ranger has fallen far. To be honest, I never saw myself capable of becoming this shell of a man, losing my grip on everything that mattered.
You should be sorry for the angel you are not
It feels good to blame it on her. She was everything to me and she damn well knew it. I guess somewhere inside her was that giggly teenager I fell in love with and she refused to leave, to move on and grow up. So she looked innocent and played the part very well, but it was when she had you by the heartstrings that the bad girl came out to play.
I apologize for the cruel things that I did
The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt Kim. But that sorry excuse for a man that caused this mess was another story. He deserved all that he got and if I had the chance to do it over again, I'd give him worse. It takes a special kind of scumbag to screw around with a married woman...especially a pregnant one.
But I don't regret one single word I said
For the entire time we were together I treated her like gold. Rarely did I raise my voice and never did I say those hurtful truths just to hurt her feelings though I had plenty to go on. For starters there was how she and the rest of the gang ditched me when I lost my green ranger powers. Sure I wasn't a ranger anymore but did that completely negate my boyfriend status and make me unworthy of socializing with? Not to me it didn't, and it shouldn't have to her but she went along with the rest of the guys against her better judgement. I forgave her for that. I even forgave her when she didn't have the guts to tell me herself that she'd met someone in Florida and wanted to end our relationship. Obviously, because when she came crawling back all it took was seeing her face to convince me that it no longer mattered. So we got back together and it was like old times, so perfect and happy. And after the wedding it felt like a fucking fairytale or maybe one of those cheesy dreams you have when you're young and you're head over heels in love and no other human being can come in the middle.
And what's the next step? Children, of course. So we were having a baby, our baby, and I was on cloud nine, unreachable. And then he came.
Just walk away make it easy on yourself
She carried my child for nine months and only after our beautiful daughter was born did she muster any nerve at all to tell me of her betrayal. There was no doubt she said who Kiki's father was, and she couldn't say anything before because she didn't want to "spoil" it. So yes, the logical solution was to allow me to believe that this child was the completion of our life together, our family. To allow me to believe that this was a part of our journey together and an expression of our undying love. And all it really was to her was a waiting period, a slow goodbye. Less than a week after Kiki was born we were on our own and if I thought I knew what it meant to struggle before that, boy was I wrong.
Just walk away please release me from this hell
She was a total stranger to me now. I thought I'd known her for years and I never would have pegged her for the kind of soulless woman who was capable of playing me while I was falling even more in love with her day by day. Even worse still, she was now the kind of woman who could bring a new life into this world and leave it behind without a second glance. A parting gift, I suppose. It made me sick.
Just walk away, there's just nothing left to feel
My sweet angel was six months old before her mother laid eyes on her again, and it was purely by accident. Kiki and I sat in the sandbox in Angel Grove Park, her bare feet kicking in the sand. It was a place we spent many a sunny afternoon but on this day we were found. It was chilly out and I'd put my jacket around Kiki as she played, it seemed to swallow her whole. I was caught by complete surprise when a gentle tap on my shoulder caused me to turn and standing there as beautiful as the day I met her was Kim. What's his face stood at a safe distance because he knew what was good for him, but Kim seemed to have forgotten about him. She lowered herself into the sandbox beside me, her eyes fixed on Kiki. I said nothing for a moment, just taking her in. Then before I knew it I was in the grips of an unexpected rage. I plucked my daughter from the sand, covered her with my jacket and clutched her to my chest in true mama bear fashion. The startled expression on Kim's face was nearly lost on me, but I've never been able to see her in pain. Softened by her teary eyes I shook my head.
"No," I said, still shaking my head. "You had your chance." Kiki giggled under the shelter of that heavy leather jacket, oblivious.
"Please," Kim said, shedding real tears now. "I just want to look at her."
There was a real battle taking place inside of me in that moment. Part of me wanted to shout at her, or just take Kiki and leave. Another part was overcome with love and longing and it was that which gave in and slowly drew the jacket away, revealing those sparkling brown eyes that I'd grown to adore.
It was satisfying to hear her breath catch in her throat and see her hands trembling at her side. She was aching to hold our little girl but she was afraid to ask. I knew she was about to give in, I was just waiting for it. But she didn't. She wiped her eyes, nodded at me, and simply walked away.
Just walk away pretend that none of this is real
That bitch. Even after all these years of being trampled on by her she could still get to me. I don't know how it's possible for me to be surprised by her anymore...but I was. I felt even more betrayed than before. There I was weakening before her, I was seconds away from giving her something that she very clearly wanted and once again she walked away. If Kimberly Hart was good at one thing, it was walking away.
I didn't bounce back from that one, my heart felt broken all over again. I put Kiki to bed early and sat in the empty darkness of the den. With the lights off it was easier to forget the life we'd shared in that house and easier to ignore the photos I hadn't been able to throw out yet. As much as I tried to tell myself I didn't need her I knew it wasn't true. The reality of it was caving in on me and my strength failed me. Before I knew it that bottle of whiskey we'd hidden in the cupboard the day we found out Kim was pregnant was empty and my emotions were spilling out into my lap. I was so absorbed in my self pity I didn't notice the creeping shadow that passed in front of the window, nor did I hear the soft tapping at the side door. I didn't know she was there until she crept into the den and flipped on the light from the doorway. I didn't have to look to know it was her, I remembered all the curves of her shadow.
Could you forgive me if I told you that I cared?
Wiping my face I shook my head. "What do you want?"
She didn't say anything, she just lurked there in the doorway.
My heart was already on my sleeve and there was no stopping it now. Pumped full of whiskey and emotions I stayed in my chair and didn't fight the tears. I'd been fighting them for six months and I had no more strength. The mighty white ranger was crying like a baby in front of the love of his life. Nice.
I could hear her drawing deep shaky breaths, she was either crying when she got there or fighting the urge with everything she had. When her hand touched my shoulder I melted, aching to be in her arms and in a matter of seconds that's where I found myself. I cried until I had no more tears at all and gaining a bit of composure I straightened and adamantly insisted it was the liquor. Kim was sitting on the floor beside my chair looking up at me, worry painted all over her face. It should have comforted me but somehow it made me furious and I remembered myself.
"What the hell are you doing here?" I demanded. "You shouldn't be here."
"I..."she started. Her face gave no indication of what she was feeling. This was new. "I had to come. I..I don't know why, Tommy, but I felt like I had to. Like I'm supposed to..."
"Gee, that's interesting." I stood angrily, and started for the door. "Maybe it has something to do with your child sleeping in the other room. But then again you haven't thought about her once so why would you start now?"
"That's not true." She nearly whimpered.
"Oh yeah? Could have fooled me, Kim."
The emotions were practically attacking me. I'd waited so long to show her evidence of her selfishness, to show her all that she'd scorned. Though I was wracked with anger, my heart was in pieces and her presence did nothing to help that.
I was pacing in front of the door, knowing that I was the only thing standing between Kim and Kiki. Not knowing Kim's intentions, that was just fine with me.
"Please...Tommy." I glared at her and was shaken. I barely recognized her now. All the light that had once been in her eyes and that glowing smile that had won me over so many years ago was gone. She looked empty.
Would you be sorry if I swore that I'd be there?
I hated seeing her that way. She should've known that. Never once had I ever been able to see her cry without wanting to hold her. But I fought it. I wondered if she had any idea what I was going through all because of her, or if she even cared. I decided that it didn't matter. After all that I'd done for her it was my turn, and she was going to listen.
"Kim...I'm going to say some things. You're going to listen, and that's not a question."
She made no sound or movement.
"You're a selfish, childish little bitch sometimes, you know that? But heaven help me I love you and I always have. It's always been you, only you. I don't know any other way to show you that or how to make it enough. But I'm a human being, Kim. I'm not a consolation prize and I won't be treated like one. Kiki and I deserve better than that and she means more to me than you know. If you have any plans to do to her what you've done to me over and over let me know now. Because you'll never get that close. I'm always going to love you, no matter what you do. And I've forgiven you more times that you deserve. But I won't be made a fool of."
She stood to her feet and for the first time since she'd arrived she looked me right in the face.
"I'm here to say I'm sorry." She said, her voice was quivering with emotion. "I owe you an explanation and I think it's time I gave it to you."
My heart was pounding. I couldn't wait to hear this.
"You were my first love...the only person I've ever really loved."
I scoffed. "At least tell me the truth." I said, bitterly.
Kim was indignant. "I am telling you the truth. I know that I've done you wrong, many times. There's no reason good enough that I could give you. I guess I was afraid I was missing something. My parents were high school sweethearts and...well, you know what happened with them. I was so afraid that we would end up like them... and I never wanted that. I've always loved you, Tommy. Even now otherwise I wouldn't be here. I want my family back..."
"Are you kidding me?" I nearly growled, throwing my arms in the air. "How many times do you expect me to just sit idly by and wait for you to stomp on my heart? If you think I'm about to let the same thing happen to my daughter you've got another thing coming."
"Our daughter! She's my child too, Tommy. And if you don't think I realize how badly I've screwed up you're wrong." Grief overtook her and she collapsed into the armchair, sobbing violently
That was it. As always when she's vulnerable I lost complete control of my body and my protective instinct took over. In a split second I was at her side and pulling her into my arms. The familiar feel of her shape against me and how perfectly we fit together gave me goose bumps.
She was crying her heart out against my chest and the anger I had felt just moments ago was gone.
"Oh, Kim. Please, don't. Please. Can we just talk, no fighting? I can' t take this, I just can't!"
"I'm trying, Tommy. I am. I didn't come here to try and get you to pity me. I'm weak, pathetic. I know it. Ever since I left all I wanted was to turn around and come back to both of you. But I realize how much I've wronged you and I couldn't face it. Not until today. I looked at her Tommy and...oh she's so beautiful. She looks just like you, she does."
"She has your eyes." I said. I was fighting tears, again. "That's the hardest part."
She was quiet for a while, but I felt her arms tighten around me. I felt fresh tears on my arm and felt her trembling, trying to suppress those tears. Her brown hair had fallen into her face hiding her eyes from view. I brushed it back and looked into her eyes. Damn. My brain was telling me that this was her trap because I'd been here before. But my shattered heart told me that I should take every bit that I could get because I needed her in any and every way I could have her. She was trying to avoid my gaze but failed and she reluctantly looked up at me, our eyes meeting. She seemed to melt in a way I hadn't seen since high school. It took every ounce of control I had to not kiss her right then.
Just walk away, make it easy on us both
"I've always loved you, beautiful." I lifted her chin to face me. "I'm tired of watching you walk away."
The words had just left my lips when I felt her hand at the back of my neck, drawing me down into a kiss full of hurt and longing. No matter how much she'd hurt me over the years, each kiss always felt more right than the last. A few seconds later I'd pulled her into my lap and was kissing her and holding her like she was going to disappear. She lay in my arms, melted against me and I felt the longing in her kisses that I'd hoped to find. I wasn't sure what would come next but my mind couldn't hold complete thoughts and it wasn't until I heard Kiki's cries that I realized just how out of it I was. Kim jumped up at the sound and backed away from me as if she'd been burned.
I ran into the baby's room and lifted her out of the crib. She was still taking late night bottles so I wasn't very surprised to see her wide awake, crying around her fist. Since she was born she'd suck on her fingers when she was hungry and it never stopped being adorable to me. I lay her across my shoulder and carried her to the kitchen to make the bottle, which I'd mastered doing one-handed months ago. Kim was lingering in the doorway, silent. Kiki cried louder, waiting for the bottle. I shook it up and slipped it into her mouth, silencing her immediately. Kim's uneasiness was curious, almost unnerving. It was clear to me that she was uncomfortable.
With each step I took closer to her she seemed to move back two more. It made no sense to me. I quickly advanced on her, catching her off guard, and lay Kiki in her arms before backing away.
"Tommy..." She stood rigid like a statue, fear all over her face. I said nothing and made no attempt to help her. I just watched. I'm not sure how Kim felt in that moment but I know what I saw in her eyes. She seemed afraid to move but she couldn't take her eyes off of Kiki, who lay calmly in her arms taking a bottle and looking right into her mother's eyes.
"Wow." Kim said. She seemed to relax a bit, looking up she gave me a smile, which I couldn't resist returning. "She's so beautiful. I just can't..."
I saw her tear up and moved closer, my hands out to take the baby, but she resisted.
"No, please. I just...need to hold her. I need to look at her."
It was so heartwarming, I'd waited so long for this sight and now that it was happening I couldn't believe it.
"We don't want to see you walk away anymore." I put my arm around Kim and drew them both close to me. Kim shook her head and said "I'm not going anywhere."
I guess all I can do is trust that she's done walking away.