A/N: I began this story as a the intro to something entirely different, but it sort of got away from me, and ended up as something which, I suspect, might be crack(?). It also got slightly more naughty than I intended. I was going to delete it, but I read it back and it seems funny to me, so I decided to post it.
A/N: In this story Arthur and Merlin are completely ignorant of the concept of homosexuality.
Summary: Arthur is confused by Merlin. Boys can't fall for boys, can they?
Birds, Bees And Boys by frostygossamer
Arthur is confused by his manservant Merlin. He's just a boy, a country boy, raised on a farm, humble, uncultivated, salt of the earth, ordinary lad. And yet sometimes, when the light is right, when Arthur catches sight of him in a certain way, he thinks he sees something so fragile, so feminine about him. And that makes no sense, no sense at all.
Merlin is a skinny youth, nothing like a girl, nothing at all. He's just a young man like himself and, no doubt, pulsating with all the unruly masculinity that runs through his own veins, his own perfectly normal masculine veins. So why is Arthur confused?
Arthur is sitting in bed, watching Merlin as he wanders around his bedroom, picking up the clothes and boots that he discarded the night before, tutting as he goes.
He notices Merlin's delicate wrists. They hardly look as if they would bear any weight. And those slim hands with those slim fingers. However is he able to carry all that heavy armour around in those hands? And that neck. Underneath Merlin's silly neckerchief he glimpses a long slender neck, swanlike. And it is just begging to be kissed.
O-oh! Now where has that thought come from? Arthur coughs and fidgets in his bed. He would like to get up, but now he finds he is sporting an unfortunate elevation under the sheets. Where has that come from?
Merlin trudges over to Arthur's bedside, looking glum. "Anything else you want me to do before I go, sire? Because Gaius has a load of work lined up for me today."
"No, don't go just yet, Merlin", Arthur replies hurriedly. "There's something I want to talk to you about before you go."
Merlin sighs. He can do without being held up by some whim of Arthur's today. He has a lot of work on.
"When I was a boy, Merlin", Arthur begins. "My nursemaids used to read me stories about courtly love."
Merlin fetches a chair from the table and sets it down by the bed. This is going to be a long chat, he fears. He flops down on the chair and prepares to be bored.
"They read me a great many tales about chivalrous knights and beautiful damsels, and the brave deeds knights undertook to win the hands of their fair ladies", Arthur pauses and shoots a glance at Merlin, who is feigning interest, badly.
"And that was all I knew about love, until I reached the age of four and ten years, when I was introduced to the mysteries of Venus, by a number of comely maidservants and dairymaids", he continues.
Merlin shuffles his feet awkwardly. He hopes Arthur doesn't intend to treat him to an embarrassing catalogue of his sexual conquests. That he can definitely do without.
"And I am aware", Arthur goes on. "That there is a third type of love. The love that a man feels for his bride, a husband for his wife. The sacred bond of marriage."
"Thank heavens", Merlin thinks. "He's got to the end of his list without going into uncomfortable detail."
"Well, if that's all...", Merlin mutters, starting to rise from his chair and looking longingly at the door.
"Oh no, Merlin, that is not all", Arthur declares. "In fact that's my problem. I think I have discovered a fourth kind of love, unknown to current wisdom."
Merlin sits back down and looks at him as though he is soft in the head. "I don't think there is another kind of love, Arthur", he says. "What other kind of love could there possibly be?"
Arthur turns away from him and looks out of the window, pointedly. "I've discovered a love that has a different kind of object, not a lady, nor a woman, nor a wife."
"And what could that be?", Merlin asks, amused now. "A sow? Or a cow?"
"I think", Arthur hesitates, still staring out of the window. "I think I have fallen in love with a male person".
"Who?", Merlin demands, suddenly both shocked and curious.
"With you, you idiot!", Arthur snaps, turning around to stare accusingly into his eyes.
Merlin is confounded. "But that's ridiculous", he stammers. "It's not possible. I'm a boy!"
"Yes, I know that it's impossible, obviously", Arthur retorts. "That's the problem. It makes no sense at all. And it's totally impractical. How can I make love to a boy. A boy doesn't have the requisite... apparatus."
Merlin jumps out of his chair and takes a few steps toward the door. He is taken aback by Arthur's suggestion. "You're talking nonsense, sire", he stutters. "And I have to go."
"Sit down, Merlin", Arthur commands wearily, waving his hand. "I'm not going to bite you."
"And you're not going to do anything else with me either", Merlin declares, sitting down again, as ordered.
"Like what?", Arthur demands. "What could I do with you?"
Merlin considers. "Well, you could kiss me", Merlin says. "If I let you, of course. Which I won't."
"Kiss you?", Arthur muses. "Well, yes, I could do that, I suppose. Come here and let's give it a try."
"Oh no", Merlin objects. "Not me."
"Merlin", Arthur growls. "I'm your prince. You'll do what I say. Come here and let me kiss you. It won't hurt."
Reluctantly Merlin gets up and sits on the side of Arthur's bed. Arthur leans forward, grasping him by the shoulders, and presses his lips firmly against his servant's deliberately closed mouth.
Merlin steels himself against the unpleasant attack, but, after a few moments, he realises that the sensation is actually quite nice. He opens his lips a little, tasting Arthur's mouth, and feels Arthur do the same.
After a few more seconds they separate, and Arthur smiles. "That was quite agreeable, wasn't it?", he asks. Merlin nods.
Arthur unties Merlin's neck scarf and lays it down, then he slips his arms right around Merlin's slim shoulders and, pulling him in tight, presses a kiss against Merlin's long neck. Merlin lets out an involuntary sigh.
"Hugging also seems to work well", Arthur confirms, his breath warm on Merlin's skin. Merlin is coming around to his way of thinking.
"Suppose you take off your things and slide in here beside me?", Arthur suggests.
Merlin catches his breath. "Just for a cuddle", Arthur explains. "There's nothing wrong with that."
Merlin has to agree that it seems harmless, but, "You want me to remove my clothes?", he queries.
"Yes", Arthur confirms. "That would be nice. See I'll remove mine too", pulling his tunic over his head.
So Merlin removes his clothes and slips into Arthur's comfortable bed beside him.
"This had better not take very long", he insists. "I've got work to do."
Arthur has removed his own drawers and, as soon as Merlin is lying next to him, he wraps his arms around his waist and pulls him very tight against his body. Soon they find their breathing synchronizes. It's a very pleasant feeling.
But Arthur is still unhappy. "This closeness feels very pleasing, Merlin. But I now have an annoying desire to penetrate you and that's quite impossible. It's making me feel very frustrated."
Merlin would probably find that last comment disturbing, except for the fact that something in his loins seems to be thinking something similar about Arthur. And it's poking into Arthur's thigh bothersomely.
Arthur sighs and releases Merlin from his embrace. "Do you mind if I just relieve the awkward stiffness in your manhood with a little manipulation?", he asks.
"I don't know what you mean", Merlin replies nervously.
Arthur laughs. "You are a complete innocent, aren't you, Merlin?"
"Well, fairly, I suppose", Merlin replies shamefaced.
"There's nothing wrong with that, Merlin", Arthur declares. "We all have to learn sometime. Come here."
And with that Arthur wraps his fingers around Merlin's little pencil and begins to soothe it with a rhythmical motion.
Merlin relaxes and closes his eyes, enjoying the novel sensation. Arthur looks at him fondly. Much to the prince's surprise, this is working out pretty well.
Suddenly something explodes under the blankets and Arthur finds his fist has become somewhat sticky. He chuckles. "Now I didn't expect that to happen", he admits. "I thought there had to be a woman involved to elicit the production of procreative liquor."
Merlin has gone all limp and submissive. And now Arthur is finding his desire to penetrate him is becoming overwhelming.
"Merlin, I yearn for your body so much it literally hurts", he gasps.
Merlin smiles up at him dreamily. "I have an idea", he says and rolls over floppily onto his belly. "I didn't grow up in the country for nothing", he murmurs into the pillow.
"I hope you're not going to suggest anything coarse, Merlin", Arthur upbraids him.
"Of course not", Merlin denies. "But there is something that rough country girls sometimes do to please their menfolk, without the risk of getting with child. Luckily it only requires the one orifice that I happen to have available."
Arthur is struck my the way Merlin looks almost indistinguishable from a girl from the back. It takes him a full five seconds to catch on to what Merlin is talking about, but then he embraces the notion enthusiastically.
Arthur pulls the blankets down from Merlin's perfectly sweet rump, and ponders the tiny size of his little hole and the magnitude of his own large appendage.
"I suspect it might hurt somewhat, Merlin", he says doubtfully.
Merlin turns his head, looks at Arthur over his right shoulder and suggests helpfully, "You have bottles of exotic oils in your bathroom, Arthur."
"What would I do without you and your resourceful ideas?", Arthur asks, as he returns with a bottle of sweet almond oil.
That does the trick splendidly and within minutes Arthur is happily pleasuring Merlin with his pride and joy. And Merlin is moaning softly in a way that Arthur finds very satisfying indeed.
('o')
Meanwhile, down in his study, Gaius is sitting there getting slightly miffed, as he waits for Merlin to come back and get on with the shed load of work he has ready for him. Surely he must have finished seeing to Prince Arthur by now? The lad was supposed to be at swordsmanship practice half an hour ago.
Gaius decides that Merlin is due a bollocking, and stomps off towards the prince's chambers to find his assistant and give him an earful.
As Gaius approaches Prince Arthur's door, his old lugs are assaulted by a muddle of strange noises. He hesitates and presses his almost deaf ear to the wood. Muffled groans and the creak of the bedstead are discernable. Gaius stands back and raises one eyebrow, his emblematic expression. He can only imagine what these sounds may signify.
So he flings the door open.
The two naked and beautiful young men on the bed are clearly enjoying some activity together that he can only find puzzling. "Ahem", he coughs.
Movement on the bed ceases immediately. Merlin lifts his face from the pillow and turned to his mentor with a questioning look. "Gaius?", he asks.
"Your jobs are still waiting, Merlin", Gaius states and walks back out.
Merlin turns to Arthur and smiles apologetically. "Got to go", he says.
"Do you think he noticed anything, Merlin?", Arthur asks.
"I doubt it", Merlin replies. "He's as blind as a bat without his glasses."
('o')
A few minutes later Merlin appears in Gaius' chambers looking flustered.
"Right", he says. "What do you want me to do first, Gaius?"
"First I need you to catalogue all the medical books in the left half of the room. After you've done that you can help me brew up a new batch of colic remedy and distribute it around the lower town", Gaius explains.
"Very well", Merlin replies, taking off his jacket and rolling up his sleeves.
Half an hour later, with Merlin sitting on the top of a step ladder, a pile of books in his lap, cataloguing merrily away, Gaius decides that he should bring up an important subject. He clears his throat, twice, as Merlin doesn't look up the first time.
"As the person who finds himself 'in loco parentis', as it were, to yourself. I feel that it behoves me to ascertain whether you have been sufficiently... educated in the principles of human courtship and procreation."
Merlin almost falls off his ladder. "You mean 'The Birds and The Bees'", he enquires, wobbling.
"Yes indeed", Gaius confirms. "Did your mother, dear Hunith, give you that little talk before you left home?"
"I know about the birds and the bees, Gaius", Merlin asserts, chuckling.
"Then what in hell were you doing with Arthur Pendragon, when I walked in on you two before?", Gaius unexpectedly thunders.
This time Merlin does fall off his ladder, stunned. "Well, it was nothing to do with birds or bees, I'm pretty sure of that", he points out, getting to his feet. "I was just helping him with a little problem that he was having".
"A little problem?", Gaius demands, both eyebrows now raised. "Merlin, he's the Crown Prince. If he has a little problem of that kind, he should be solving it with a kitchen maid or a tavern girl, not with you."
Merlin blushes. "But he wanted to solve it with me. Because it's me that he's fallen in love with."
"Love!", Gaius yelps, exasperated. "That really is impossible!"
"Well, no, actually, that's what I said. Bit it turns out that it isn't impossible", Merlin corrects him. "That's what we were addressing when you walked in on us, just then."
"I mean that it's ridiculous, Merlin", Gaius explains, flapping. "King Uther would have a fit."
"Really?", Merlin asks disingenuously. "Would King Uther rather that I turn my master's royal advances down and cause him unnecessary discomfort? And me a humble peasant of no worth?"
Gaius calms down a bit. "Merlin, you are not 'of no worth'. Did Arthur press his attentions on you against your wishes? Did he force you to submit to his desires because he is your master? Because that would be very wrong and quite unfair. I could go and speak to him and make sure he leaves you alone un future."
Merlin looks alarmed. "No, Gaius, don't do that. He was only being nice, really. I let him do what he did to me. And I was enjoying it until you walked in and spoilt it."
"How could you be enjoying that?", Gaius asks, surprised. "Wasn't he hurting you?"
"Noble Arthur? No, of course not. He was just showing me his love", Merlin sighs. "It was all very surprising and rather sweet. And I fully intend to go and do it again, as soon as my work is all done."
Gaius throws his hands up in the air. "Well, just don't come complaining to me when it all goes wrong. That's all", he says. "You're a fool, Merlin."
Merlin laughs. "Yes. But one day I'm going to be the beloved Fool of the High King of all Albion, and that will be a very lucky Fool to be", and he smiles dreamily.
The End