At the time, Natsu had thought that losing his magic. That sacrificing the one thing that had been a constant, the one thing that had tied him to Igneel, was worth it for everything that he would be saving. To some extent, he still believed that now, watching as Magnolia started to recover from the war and as Fairy Tail began to rebuild itself and take stock of his losses. His home. His friends. His family. They were alive and safe, and with Zeref gone, he no longer needed to protect them. Sure, there had been losses, and he could see the weight of those everywhere he looked, but they were alive, and that was all that mattered.
Only it wasn't.
He tried to tell himself that it was. That it was worth the gnawing, aching void that had opened up his chest was worth it for what they had saved. He would whisper it to himself when he looked in the mirror in the mornings, shivering as he tried to shake off the chill of being curled next to Gray's body and actually falling victim to the cold that radiated from his partner. He would repeat it silently in his mind, chanting it like a mantra when they inevitably ended up at the guild, surrounded by his friends and families who were tiptoeing around him like he could shatter at any moment. He would scream it on the days when it got too much, and he had to flee, to put as much distance between himself and Fairy Tail as possible.
It felt like he was being smothered, as though he was trying to breathe, but was just unable to catch his breath no matter what he tried. He was trapped. Unable to reach out and touch the world that he had belonged to only a few weeks ago, and unable to tap into the warmth that had once made up his every living moment. His every breath. He was cold all the time, whether Gray was there or not, and he was empty. If he lost his temper, and he did quite often, although he tried to hide the evidence as best he could – although there had been no hiding the shattered mirror, of the deep scratch marks that had covered his guild mark after a particularly bad day – there was no answer surge of power. No sparks dancing across his skin when he got too excited, no puffs of flame when he got fired up, although he hadn't been fired up since that last battle. There was no point anymore.
Because it was gone.
His magic, his fire, the very thing that had made him the Salamander was gone, and there weren't even ashes to mark where it had been. All he had was the creeping emptiness in his chest that stole his breath and left him feeling as though there was a wall between himself and the world. Or, maybe he was the one that had built the wall, desperately trying to protect himself from reality. To protect himself from the fact that he had lost the one thing that had allowed him to feel as though Igneel was right there beside him still.
It wasn't enough.
It wasn't strong to hold everything at bay, and that morning it had shattered completely.
He'd woken shivering in an empty bed, unable to tell how long it had been since Gray had risen, his senses dulling by the day, slipping away into the void where his magic had been. At first, he'd intended to just roll over and pretend to sleep. Knowing that now he was awake he wasn't going to be able to escape the pressing awareness of what he'd lost, and he'd just started to bury his head back under the covers when he realised that he could hear voices from the floor below. He couldn't make out the words, or the speakers, but there were only a handful of people that still came around to see him, something that he knew bugged Gray more than him, and he sighed, realising that he should put in an appearance.
Slipping out of bed, he had grabbed the large hoodie that Laxus had given him one day when the other Dragon-slayer…when Laxus had noticed that he was shivering. He hated what it represented, the reminder that he could no longer keep himself warm, but it was warm and big enough for him to hide inside, and right now that was what he wanted. To hide. From himself, from the world…from Gray. That last thought gave him pause, and he felt something beginning to splinter.
It was harder than he wanted to admit to leave his bedroom, quietly padding down the stairs, realising for the first time that he no longer felt like he belonged here. Not even with the photos on the wall, the sight of his rucksack and coat hanging on the books at the bottom, the mingled scent that he could no longer smell. I don't belong here. He almost turned around and fled then, but before he could give in to the temptation, he'd accidentally stood on the bottom step, and it creaked loudly, the voices stopping, and when he looked up, he found Gray and Erza looking at him.
"Natsu…" Erza stepped forward to greet him, a strained smile on her lips and he flinched as he met her gaze for a minute. There was grief, and worry…and a flicker of pity, that had his stomach tying itself in knots, and he found himself swallowing back sudden nausea. Don't look at me like that… But he couldn't say that, aware that Gray was watching him with equal concern, waiting for his reaction and ready to step in if needed and the splintering spread.
"Hey," he managed to say, somehow keeping his voice relatively even, although he could tell from the way Gray's eyes narrowed the Ice mage wasn't fooled. "I…" He couldn't lie, he couldn't feign cheer, not right now, and just like that everything was too much, and it felt like he couldn't quite catch his breath, and he ducked his head, avoiding their gazes. "I'm going out. I'll see you later." He didn't want them to see him break. He didn't want Gray to see him come apart completely, and if he wasn't here, then they could talk normally. They could use their magic and talk about work without having to worry about him.
"Natsu?"
"I…" Natsu shook his head, stopping Gray in his tracks and risking a quick glance at him, immediately wishing that he hadn't as he caught the fear, the doubt…the pity that his partner wasn't quite quick enough to hide from him. "Sorry, I'm sorry…" He wasn't sure what he was apologising for at this point and realising that Gray was moving towards him, he turned away and bolted out the front door, not even faltering as he heard their voices raised in panic.
Which was why he was out here on the hill overlooking Magnolia, needing to be away from the town, away from the guild…from everything, and yet unable to bring himself to just walk away. Up here he could see the magnitude of what he had saved, but what had once been enough to convince him that he had done the right thing, was just another blow to splintering heart today and he had to look away, burying his head in his hands.
I can't do this anymore.
It was Gray that found him, of course, although he wasn't sure how long he had been out here at that point. A while, he guessed, although the grey haze that had settled over his thoughts made it hard to care, an. It was always Gray, the Ice mage rarely venturing from his side these days, and as he felt his boyfriend settle on the grass beside him, he sighed, wishing for once that he hadn't come after him. It wasn't fair on Gray to have to deal with this, with him, not after all these weeks of absorbing his mood swings, the harsh words that they both knew he didn't mean, and no doubt waiting for this inevitable shattering. Natsu didn't plan to talk to him, because there was no point in words anymore, but there was something about the comforting pressure of his partner leaning against him that shattered his defiance, and the words crept out before he could stop them.
"I can't do this anymore…" He felt Gray tense at the words, and he couldn't bring himself to look up and see the fear, the disappointment that was probably written across Gray's face right now. Gray didn't speak, although his arm did loop around his shoulders, pulling him closer and squeezing him lightly, as though that would be enough to change the inevitable. As though it would be enough to keep Natsu grounded.
He must've have seen this coming.
After all, he had been there for the deepest lows over the past few weeks. Holding Natsu when he had woken, screaming and clawing at his skin as he searched for his magic, tracking him down when everything had got too much, and he'd fled, not trying to offer him platitudes but just holding him. Trying his best to give him a reason to keep fighting to breathe. It hadn't been enough, and Natsu hated that it wasn't, and his vision blurred as he glanced at their linked hands, wondering just how much longer that was going to last.
Was this going to be it?
Part of him hoped so, just so that Gray didn't have to witness him coming apart completely, while the rest of him was terrified. He couldn't do this anymore, but to lose Gray… he shook his head, squeezing back. He didn't have the words to explain everything that was raging inside right now, and helplessly he repeated his earlier words. "I can't do this anymore."
"Natsu." One simple word but spoken with such a depth of emotion that it slammed into Natsu like a physical force and he flinched.
"It's torture…" The admission tiptoed out, embarrassed and anguished all at once, and finally, he lifted his head to look at Gray, letting his partner see the pain in his eyes, lacking the strength to hide it anymore. Although, he was reasonably sure that Gray had seen through him from the start, a suspicion reinforced by the understanding that flickered through dark eyes before Gray was the first one to look aside. Natsu laughed, a horrible, broken sound that spoke of pain and not amusement. "Everywhere I look I can see magic. In you, in our home…at the guild. It's everywhere, and it's not their fault or yours." It's mine, the last bit was unspoken, but they hung in the air between them, and he felt rather than saw Gray flinch beneath the force of them. Gray had tried. He had stopped using magic at home, even though Natsu had caught him more than once going to use it only to freeze, guilt passing over his face.
But it wasn't enough…
It couldn't be enough, when every day as soon as they stepped on the street, they saw magic as the guild worked to help rebuild the town. Or, when they would walk into the guild and see little Asuka running around, making use of her newly learned magic and begging to learn more. Or when the guild, slowly regaining its strength and cheer, at least when he wasn't around, would erupt into their usual bar fights, magic inevitably entering the field. It wasn't enough, and it wasn't fair to make Gray bear that burden.
"I need to leave…"
Silence greeted his words, and Natsu laughed again, although there was no humour in the sound as the splintering spread, leaving him feeling like he couldn't breathe. The words had been rising, building to a crescendo for weeks, but now that he had said them aloud, there was no relief, no sense of the weight easing off his shoulders.
Instead, he felt hollow.
Emptied out.
Lost.
Which was why he was caught by surprise when he was drawn into a tight embrace, Gray holding him close as he began to struggle. He didn't murmur false reassurances or platitudes, just as he hadn't when Natsu had first woken in the infirmary to learn that his magic was gone, but he was relentless in his grip, and it didn't take long for Natsu to slump against him with a soft, broken noise. "G-Gray… please." He wasn't sure what he was asking for, what he wanted anymore. Everything was too much, and his breath caught and broke, and he began to sob as he splintered entirely. He didn't know what he was anymore, who he was supposed to be, and what he was supposed to do now. He didn't know how to live without his magic.
He wasn't aware that he was speaking aloud, his words broken by the sobs wracking his body. He didn't see the tears that were now falling down Gray's face, unable to smell the saltiness as he once had. All he knew was that he was being swept away, finally cast adrift, and that the arms around him, the familiar chill creeping into his skin, was the only thing stopping him from being lost entirely. It would be so easy to let go, to lose himself, and he wanted to. Oh, how he wanted to. But, he couldn't, because Gray was there and holding him as though he was the most precious thing in his world, as broken and useless as he was…
"You're not broken, and you're not useless," Gray finally broke the silence, and now Natsu couldn't miss the tears clouding his voice, but it didn't stop him from shaking his head violently from side to side. I am, you just need to see it… There was a deep, full body sigh from above him. "It was never your magic Natsu. It wasn't your magic that I fell in love, it wasn't your magic alone that kept the guild together through everything, or that saved us all."
"It…"
Cold fingers caught his chin, tilting his face upwards and despite his best attempts to look to the side, he found himself meeting Gray's gaze, transfixed by the emotion and tears swimming in the dark eyes. "It was you, Natsu," Gray's voice was softer than he'd ever heard it, and yet the words were like a physical force as they slammed into him and he shook his head mutely. No, I… Gray's grip tightened, not letting him pull away or look away. "It was you, not your magic that I fell in love with. It was you, not your magic that inspired us to keep fighting even when we doubted that we could win, even we faltered. And it was you that decided to fight, that pushed yourself to the limit and beyond… it was you, not your magic that saved us all."
"N-No…" It was weak even in his own ears, and all he could do was shake his head helplessly, unable to fight as Gray reached up to wipe at the tears that were still trickling down his cheeks. "Gray…" It hurt to hear those words because they carried within them a promise, a hope, and he wasn't sure that he was ready for that. However, Gray didn't seem disappointed by his admittedly weak protests, patiently wiping away fresh tears as they appeared, before leaning in to kiss him on the forehead.
"I'm not asking you to believe me today, or even tomorrow," Gray murmured, and Natsu blinked at the simple sincerity of those words. "I'm not asking you to forget, or to move on." I know you're not ready for that, and I know that you might never be, Natsu heard the unspoken words, and strangely something seemed to ease in his chest. It wasn't enough to let him catch his breath completely, but there was easing, and he sucked in a deep breath, missing the tiny, relieved smile that flickered across the Ice Mage's face.
"What are you a-asking?"
"I'm asking Natsu," Gray pulled back to meet and hold his gaze, not trying to hide anything this time, and Natsu could find nothing but love, and hope – no trace of the pity that he had seen earlier to be seen, and there was a further easing in his chest. "I'm asking my Natsu, the same idiot who always hogs the covers at night, who has an appetite that could bankrupt us, and who I love more than I can ever put into words, to come home. To keep fighting for just a little longer, and…" Now Gray faltered, a brief flicker of anguish passing over his features. "And if he decides that he still needs to leave, that it's the only way forward, then I will support that." It was clear how much it hurt him to say that, and Natsu was also dismayed by the words, a shaky, breathless laugh bubbling up – not quite happy, but relieved…stunned, as he nodded, just a tiny movement as he whispered.
"Okay…"