I have been watching a lot of Tim Burton movies recently (as a sort of celebration for the Alice in Wonderland release) and watched Corpse Bride the other day. I first got this idea back in 2005 but I never finished it. So, with the help of Evanescence's My Immortal, I rewrote it. And yes, I kind of stole the title from the lyric, "And if you have to leave, I wish you would just leave, because you're presence still lingers here" which my favourite line from the song. OK, I'm rambling :)
Still Lingers Here
The day Victor fell ill was supposed to be a happy one. It was a bank holiday. We had planned to spend the day at the beach but Victor had a terribly chesty cough. He developed a fever and Hildegarde insisted that he should stay in bed so our plans never went to fruition. By morning he had worsened. Dr. Bainbridge was called and he gave the diagnosis of influenza. I was devastated. Of course his bout was treatable but it had come on so suddenly and hard. I was worried for him. In our early days of marriage, I would watch him play the piano and he looked so ghostly white, tired and underweight. He had always been weak, and he was about to get weaker.
As the days transitioned into weeks, Victor was well again though his heart was weak and delicate – just like the rest of him. Just when he started working again, I received some exciting, dumbfounding news. I was pregnant. Telling Victor was the best thing I ever had to do. He broke out in a cold sweat and looked as though he was about to faint but he gulped it all away. As it began to process, he placed a hand on my belly and told me that he was willing to give fatherhood a chance. Many tears were shed that morning. The nine months were long and gruelling. Even though Dr. Bainbridge advised him not to, Victor took extra hours at work so we would be financially prepared for the baby. Oh, he was awful during those times! I could see the exhaustion in his eyes and being his wife, I sensed his stress, worries and fears of becoming a father. I didn't wish to admit it but he was not well. And I was right. I watched him grow weaker by the hour. Then tragedy struck like fiery lightning crashing down on the house. He was bedridden by the time our son was born. He was too tired to move – he could barely breathe! He was determined to fight it, for our child's sake. I'll never forget the day Victor met his son. Dr. Bainbridge had been present at the birth so he was the first to proclaim it to the world.
" A healthy boy! May he be the first of many!" I remember him shouting to Hildegarde and Gwendolyn the nurse.
I smiled at the dear old doctor. " Please. Would you tell Victor he has a son?" I murmured, barely keeping my eyes open.
Without another utterance, he dashed into the room next door, where Victor had made his refuge. " Mr. Van Dort! Mr. Van Dort! Oh, sir! You have a son! Both mother and infant are doing just fine," I overheard him cry.
Then when I had the strength, I went to see my husband for myself. He saw me with the child in my arms and he sat up, his breathing laboured. Though riddled with ailment, he grinned from ear to ear, keen to hold the baby.
" Let me see him!" he wheezed.
Almost hesitant, I glanced down at the sleeping child. He was perfect. If Victor got to see him, he would never be able to leave. But passed him over and made sure he was holding him correctly. I had never seen him so happy before. He looked at me and tears were streaming down his face. I pulled up a chair and sat by Victor's side.
" Oh, Victoria. He's beautiful!" he gasped.
" You know he's without a name. Perhaps you would do the honour of choosing a name for him?" I said, knowing he would choose a name I wouldn't like.
" Well…I'm partial to 'Jack'. What do you think? Jack Van Dort?"
I sniggered. " Jack? Are you serious? I prefer James. James is a much better name than…Jack."
Victor gave a wheezy chuckle. " Jack is a great name, and he seems to like it."
" James!" I insisted.
" Jack," he insisted.
" James!"
" Jack."
" James!"
"Jack."
We never did agree in the end. Instead, we compromised. We named him, quite simply, JJ – short for James Jack. So, as the months dragged on by, JJ grew and Victor wasted away. But not even his bad heart could keep him from being the greatest father the town had ever seen. Whenever the baby fussed, I would scoop him up and take him to his father to play. They loved each other very much. Nothing could tear them apart, not even Victor's weakness. The day he died is so, so fresh that it still lingers here behind these walls, in our minds, playing over and over and over.
JJ had just learnt to crawl and was showing off to Victor by crawling over the bed, tickling his father's knees in the process. I sat beside them to watch them. I adored watching them play.
After a few minutes, Victor turned to me and wheezed, " Come here, please." I edged closer to him and leant back onto the bed. I rested my head on the pillow, next to my husband. He held out his hands for JJ to enter his warm embrace. He grinned and whispered, " Look at us. Mother, father and child!" I nodded in silent agreement, too afraid to speak. He caressed my cheek with a single, long white finger. " You're beautiful."
" Oh, Victor! I'm not beautiful."
" No, you are. Listen to me, you're sweet and kind, caring…compassionate. If that's not beautiful, I don't know what is." I gazed into his large brown eyes and knew his time on this earth was running out. Tears flooded my eyes. I squeezed his hand as he continued to speak. " When I met you, I knew you were the one I wanted to marry. But I was scared. I was afraid that I wouldn't be worthy of a girl like you because you're so precious to me. I love you – so very much."
Those last few words hit me like a hammer. Unable to hold it in any longer, I burst into tears. " I miss that you don't play the piano anymore! I miss the way you used to sit across from me just look at me. I miss your breath in the back of my neck during the night. I miss hearing your nervous giggle. It's like you're not here anymore!"
Victor continued to wheeze. " Victoria…I'll always be here, you know that." He smiled a small smile. Suddenly, he looked tired. He pulled JJ closer to him. With the strongest voice he could muster, he cried, " James Jack! I want you to look after your mother when I'm gone. Do you hear?" JJ blew a raspberry in response. And so, just married a year, my husband heaved an enormous breath and let his eyes close to sleep.
I tried to shake him awake. " Victor? Victor, sweetheart, wake up! Victor! Victor?" I stroked his raven-black hair and blessed with one last kiss on the lips and I wept.
That was three months ago now. Each day gets harder. The house is quiet now. The only sound is the echoing sound of the piano keys tinkling. Sometimes I rush to the music room to hear him play, but then I remember he isn't here. But the one who is the most devastated is our own little angel sent from Heaven. JJ doesn't understand why Daddy went away and so suddenly. He cries and he grieves and laments. When I agreed to the marriage, I didn't plan on this. All I wanted was to spend the rest of my life with the one I loved, and I loved Victor. Now that he's dead, it's like I can't live – not even for JJ's sake. So many times now I've tried to shake the despair, but I can't. I can't raise my boy alone. I can't live my life as a widow. It feels like I'm living a lie.