Axel sat alone in his room while blaring the song 'Pardon me' by incubus. He was trying to keep himself from thinking about the pain he felt inside. The music was helping somewhat as he wrapped his arms around his knees and drew them to his chest. He was fighting this war alone and losing. He kept everything a secret and put a mask in place that made him seem like he was happy or at least normal.
He bit his lip trying to hold back the tears to no avail.
'Oh god…' He thought as his vision blurred as the tears began rolling down his face and cheeks.
Axel let out a choked sob. 'Please stop!' He yelled in his mind, the charade worked with people but when he was alone the pain and sorrow he bottled up just burst out, the longer people were with him the worse the aftermath was. Sometimes he tried to push the people away and it worked almost always the effect greater if the person was scared of him already.
The red head closed his eyes tightly, tears still leaking out and he felt as if he was going to scream any second. He longed so bad to tell someone but he couldn't do it. He hated it when people did it and he hated sympathy and people worrying about him. He didn't want to hear shit like 'Oh well I have it worse cause of…' it just made him sick as he watched people brag or point out there 'sad'. He hated it when it leaked out because if someone were with him they'd get angry when he refused to tell them about it or they'd start saying stuff about them.
The thing he hated most was when people said they had the worst of something it made him so angry when they did that. He knew he had it pretty good that's why he never said anything, no matter how bad he felt, which was a daily basis unless people were staying overnight with him.
He wanted help he really did but if he told someone he knew he'd hate himself more than he already did, which was oh so much, and he didn't know how to ask for professional help so he was alone in the dark slipping in deeper.
He sometimes acted bitchy and made someone made at him and when that happened he wanted to hug the person and yell "don't leave me alone!" But of course he never did.
Axel sobbed, louder this time and hugged himself as if that could keep him from falling apart any more, if that was even possible.
Suddenly the normal aching in Axel's chest became unbearable and he had to ram the sheet on his bed into his mouth to keep from screaming.
He jerked his head up towards the sky as his eyes let more of the evil little tears stream down. He thought of Devonna, a girl he had became friends with what seemed like an eternity ago. She was kind, gentle and so sweet that she could have given you cavities, but the fucked up thing some people called god took her away, she was only 17 and hadn't even tasted life when she, her sister, and grandma were all killed after being hit by a train.
When the urge to scream subsided Axel pulled the sheet from his mouth. Axel also decided to stop fighting the normal aftermath of people and instead decided to embrace it. 'Why not humor whatever the hells doing this to me?' He questioned himself and changed the song to something…More depressing. The song 'Forever seventeen' began playing as he laid down finding he lost all the strength to stay upright. 'What about Nikki?' Something whispered in his head. Nikki was also dead, she was 14 when she was shot through her chest, her brother found her dead when he was walking his dog.
Axel let out a shaky breath. He wanted so badly to just die, suicide was taunting him beckoning his name teasing him when he knew it was in his grasp but yet so far away. He wanted to do it but…He stopped living for himself when he felt himself die inside. When Devonna died he died too, but instead of doing what he wanted to he decided to live Devonna's life for her, do what she couldn't. Yes, sometimes he came within centimeters of killing himself something in his head said 'You'll be killing Devonna again too.' So he never did.
Living for a dead person seemed like an insane idea but had other reasons too, two people who were also alive, though they were probably close to dead inside like him also gave him a reason to live. Roxas and Riku, they were his reasons to live because without them he'd be entirely alone. He had false friends, people he kept around to keep from being alone when Roxas or Riku weren't around but he wouldn't die for them like he would for the other two.
Axel felt more tears come down, as his throat seemed to be on fire, if he could stop the tears long enough he could get something to drink, but the way it was going he'd probably die of thirst first.
Axel shifted to his side, using up what appeared to be the last of his energy. He blinked back a few tears as the second wave began, making tears come out more at a time and faster, his body was shaking as he tried not to cry. He probably looked like he was having a seizure.
Axel made a noise that he didn't know was humanly possible. He didn't want to tell anyone what was wrong, he didn't quite know himself, but he longed for someone to just hold him and comfort him. Not talk about how shitty their life is or how he should be happy for whatever reasons but just try to make him have a little more hope.
Axel sighed again as the song he was listening to got annoying, still crying he turned over to his other side and changed to a song he felt more appropriate for thinking of Roxas, when he started thinking of him he had no idea, and turned on 'I will follow you into the dark' singing along with the music when he felt appropriate or when he found the breath to even sing. His voice was cracking as he sang but he loved the song and he loved the distraction it gave him.
He closed his eyes and felt himself get too tired to continue singing sleep seemed inviting so he gave in and freed himself from the pain for a short while.