Disclaimer: Gilmore Girls aren't mine, why would you even think so?
Lost Love
When Rory came across a familiar book in her room back in the house she and Lorelai used to live in, she never thought, that it would bring out so many memories to her. She had come home to clear out some of her stuff, so that Lorelai and Luke would be able to refurnish her room and make it a proper guestroom. Rory now had her own apartment and she guessed she didn't need an own room at Lorelai's house anymore. When she would visit she could just stay in a regular bedroom. The times of her teenager years were over, and now that she was out of college and had started to build up a life of her own it was time to shut some doors. Lorelai hadn't liked the idea at first. After all it was her baby's room, that reminded her of her little daughter whenever she entered. With the room being turned into a regular guestroom, it would always remind Lorelai, that Rory was living her own life now, without her. Well, of course not entirely without her, but still, Boston was not exactly right next doors. But after some pleading by Luke and Rory's reassurance that it was okay with her and that she meant to get the most of her stuff anyways, Lorelai had finally given in. And now Rory was standing here, clearing out her stuff and a bunch of memories.
Somehow every little thing in this room was connected with a memory. Especially her books. She remembered how she had got them, when she had read them the first time, how she had to write papers about a handful of them. And this book, well this book was even more special. For her it contained so many memories, that it was hard for her to tell how many exactly. There were so many events connected with that book, so many moments of happiness and joy, but also of pain and sadness. From the dust on it Rory could see that she hadn't taken it out for a long time. On purpose maybe? To hide from the memories? No, that was not true. How could she hide from them? She lived with them every single day. She didn't need the book to remind her of them. They were always there. Sometimes not the entire day, but they would come to her at night, while she lay awake in bed trying to fall asleep. Sometimes they came to her in the morning, right after opening up her eyes and would stay the entire day. Sometimes they would come to her during her lunch-break or even at work. They were always there. They haunted her. The bad ones as well as the good ones. The bad ones made her sigh and sometimes even cry. But the good ones were worse. They were the ones that made her grieve.
Grieve for what had been, grieve for what had happened. Grieve for what could have been. Grieve for what she had lost.
Rory never thought that she would feel this way for so long. After all, shouldn't you be able to leave your past behind? She had terrible memories from the past, but they didn't linger on in the present. They would grieve her for a while, sometimes shorter, sometimes longer, but at one point they would all turn into past, not affecting her present life. She could leave all of them behind. But not this one.
No matter how hard she tried, no matter what she did, she couldn't leave it behind. It's been almost four years, but she couldn't get over it.
It hurt, and the worst part was, that Rory didn't know why it hurt her so much. Why he hurt her so much. Why the thought of him made her shiver and why she couldn't think of him without a numb feeling of pain in her stomach.
Geez, she hadn't even seen him since then. She hadn't seriously talked to him for more than what, 5 years. It was so long, since he had left, but she still thought of him. He was her ex-boyfriends, but she thought of him differently than of her other ex-boyfriends. The pain was still too real. She couldn't find closure on this one relationship. She never had troubles with that with her other ones. Dean, Dean had been hard to overcome, but she did it. Everything had been so messed up, but she was over that. They were over that they had moved on. Or Daniel, her boyfriend through Junior-year in college, they both had found closure and moved on. Out of the three serious relationships in her life, two left her not unchanged, but without influence on her present life. But not this one, not Jess.
Jess would be there, on her mind, in her memory, every single day. She would never forget him, that was crystal-clear, but why couldn't she get over him? Why, why, why?
Rory let out a noise of frustration. There it was again. The haunting three-letter word 'Why'. What would she give to find the answer? She had searched for it for years. It hindered her from taking up a life without hurdles. Hell, her relationship with Daniel had been hurt by it. Although she never told him why, but sometimes she couldn't focus on him, because her mind was clouded with memories of Jess. She had loved Daniel, but she could never give him all of herself. She could never devote all of herself to him, because there was this memory haunting her.
She put down the book in a box. She would take it with her to her apartment in Boston. She wouldn't forget, so why throw it away. It was a good book after all. Maybe it would give her an answer, although she seriously doubted it.
Later that night Rory was in her car driving back home. It was Sunday and she had to be at work tomorrow. She would be useless if she didn't get some sleep. The weekend with her mother had been great, but she was always tired after a weekend like that. They would do so much stuff together and hardly have a quiet minute. It was good though. Rory loved these weekends with her mom. She loved them, but now she was tired.
Reassuringly, Rory yawned. Hopefully her boss wouldn't be on her too much tomorrow, other wise this could turn out to be a dreadful Monday. Her thoughts weren't occupied with work-stuff though. Ever since she stumbled upon the book, she couldn't quite distract herself from the evil 'why'. It tormented her enormously tonight. Worse than usual. Why, why, why? Why the hell couldn't she leave him behind? Why couldn't she turn him into a memory, nothing more, nothing less? Why couldn't she move on? Why couldn't she stop thinking about their times together, about their kisses, their talks, their fights. Why did it still hurt so much, that he left? Why did his confession of love still make her feel slightly sick and dizzy when resounding in her head. I love you. She had heard that from Dean and Daniel, but with them it was happy memories, not causing uneasiness. Why couldn't she stop replaying their last encounter in her dorm room at Yale in her mind? Why, why, why?
We'll go to New York, we'll live together, we'll be together; it's what I want, it's what you want, too.
We have to start new.
You're ready and I am ready. I'm ready for this.
You know we're supposed to be together.
…only say no if you really don't wanna be with me
NO
Why did especially this memory hurt so much? Why? Why did his words haunt her? Why? It was over, it was so long ago, why couldn't she let it go?
She had said no then, right? She had finished it right there, so why wasn't it over? Why?
She had said no, and she had meant it, right? She had meant what she said, hadn't she? Hadn't she?
Oh my god, had she really meant what she said? She had never thought about this. She had never questioned her answer of her judgement at that moment for that matter. She had never asked herself if she had made the wrong decision.
Had she? Had she made the wrong decision?
No, she couldn't have left him with him then. Her life was supposed to be they way it was now, not in anyway different.
Still, why?
…only say no if you really don't wanna be with me
NO
She didn't want to be with him, so why was there a problem…
Oh no, she hadn't lied, had she? She didn't want to be with him, did she? Did she?
Inside Rory's head everything was screaming. Did she? Did she want to be with him?
All of a sudden it struck her like lightening. She found her answer, she found the answer she had searched for so long, and she found that all the years she had tried to ignore it. It had been right there, but she wouldn't acknowledge it. She wouldn't acknowledge her lie. She wouldn't acknowledge that her no should have been a yes. A yes as in, 'Yes, I want to be with him'. A yes as in 'Yes, we're supposed to be together'. A yes as in 'Yes, I love you'.
Now Rory knew why Jess had haunted her so much. She had never told him how she really felt. She had even lied to him. She had lied to herself. She loved Jess. She loved Jess, but was too afraid to admit it.
Rory had to pull over, because she couldn't keep on driving. She had never cried because of him after that day, but now she cried. Now she sobbed. Now she wept for him. She wept for a lost love. She wept for the Jess she loved which she hurt so much with her lie. She wept for the hurt she had caused herself unconsciously for all the years. She wept because she couldn't stop weeping.
Alright so she had loved him, so what?
Rory knew the answer even before she had thought of the question.
She loved him still.
She loved him, because she never stopped. Love can't just stop with time. Love is timeless and you can't stop loving someone because he's out of your life. She had never told him or her love for him goodbye. She had never fallen out of love for him.
They had ended, but her love hadn't.
She loved him and she knew that it was senseless to try and stop loving him. She couldn't. She couldn't deny it. She loved him no matter what. She loved the Jess that had left that day in her dorm.
What was she supposed to do?
What is one supposed to do about a missed chance?
What is one supposed to do when you let the person you love leave?
What is one supposed to do about a lost love?
A.N.: This is a one-parter and I know the end is somewhat not satisfying, but that's the way it is. This came to me, I don't know how. I hope you liked it anyways. Please review. I am happy for anything I get, because this way I know how people react to it, which is important to me. Bye, Janine