'So this is it,' I thought. 'This is where the hours of training finally end.'
I wasn't exactly sure what I had been training for, which was quite odd, but to be fair we are in the middle of some kind of war. However, at the moment it was quite a nice war with little rabbits hopping around the green fields, and lots of lovely autumn fields, which was somewhat surprising.
I suddenly materialize in this large city. Again the materialization seemed somewhat odd, but I just decided to go with it. The town crier stood in front of me.
'Hero! Go and deliver this message to Warmaster Tydus.'
'Who is Warmaster Tydus?'
'The heavily armoured man standing at the bottom of those steps.'
'The man who is literally ten steps away from here?'
'Yup.' He replied.
'So why do you have to call someone to help you deliver it? What are you, paraplegic?'
'You know you could've taken the message in the time we have been talking, douche.' He replied.
I approached the, for some reason, heavily armoured man, standing by Ascalon gate.
'Warmaster Tydus?' I asked him.
'I think the true question is… why are you looking so sexy?' said the worryingly drunk Warmaster, who staggered, and then threw up all over the ground beneath him.
I stepped back warily.
'This guy is in charge of the military?' I asked the town crier.
'Yeh,' he replied, 'unfortunately, upon King Alberdern's selection of staff, he was off his face on cheap Zu Heltzer brand Larger, and held a drinking competition to select his Military chief, head surgeon and Royal Architect.'
Suddenly the incredibly tall buildings, without openable doors or windows, made a lot more sense.
'Anyway, I am supposed to tell you to go and check the wall for breaches.'
'The Wall?'
'Yes the Great Northern Wall to be exact.' He said 'It was a giant wall built by the royal architect to ensure our enemies can never break through.'
'A WALL! Who the fuck thought that the best way to keep our enemies at bay, would be a giant fucking wall! I mean can you people think of no better way to spend the military budget? This isn't Lord of the Rings you know!'
'Well…' he replied, 'I mean it has worked so far, our enemies have never broken through the wall.'
'THERE'S A MASSIVE FUCKING GAP IN THE WALL! OUR ENEMIES MUST NEED SOME KIND OF EYE SURGERY!'
We set off to the wall.
'It's not a very big wall, is it. Seriously, if our enemies weren't as militarily retarded as us, they would've, I don't know, climbed over it? I mean it's not like someone is guarding the fucker is it!'
'Ehh stop complaining, we have work to do.'
We both scouted the area out, walking down the length of the wall.
'No, nothing.' I said, 'But what do you expect, a massive sign saying INVADE HERE. I mean…'
A set of three arrows flew from the forests on the other side of the wall, hitting the town crier in the chest, who fell from the top of the wall with a startled yelp.
Grabbing hold of my fire staff, I raised it up in the air. 'FIRE STORM!' I yelled, feeling like a bit of a prat. It worked though, and fire fell from the skies all around me, striking Charr around me and turning them into small barbeque bites.
'Wow, you would think there would be more collateral damage than that…' I thought.
(Meanwhile where two Ascalon guards where standing by the wall.)
'Lovely day isn't it?' said Private Thackery.
'Aye it is,' replied Lieutenant Frenta, 'considering we only have one discernable season I think we're pretty lucky.'
A burst of flame smashed down into the ground behind Thackery.
'What the hell was that?' he asked his now flaming companion.
'Wait are you on fire?'
'Looks like it doesn't it.'
'Shame no-one seems to have thought of a procedure to put it out.'
'Well it seems like the kind of thing that would go out eventually.'
The men stood around for some time longer, smouldering slightly.
(Meanwhile back at the wall)
'Are you okay there?' I asked the town crier.
'DO I FUCKING LOOK OKAY? I'VE GOT THREE FUCKING ARROWS IN MY CHEST!'
'See this is why you didn't make it past town crier, you have some public relations issues to sort…'
'I'M DYING HERE!'
'Come on then, I'll take you back to Ascalon, I'll just go and get your bow.' I told him.
I climbed the wall, to see a sight more than somewhat shocking.
I stared.
Four hundred Charr stared back at me.