I never really imagined my life to go in the direction it has seemed to go but I guess I really didn't imagine getting pregnant sophomore year either. They aren't really kidding when they say life is messy and life is hard and life is unexpected. It really has been all of those things and then some so I can only assume that 'they' never went to school at McKinley in Lima, Ohio. Just saying.
It's junior year and although I'm lacking a certain baby bump this time around and have gotten my place back as head cheerleader on the Cheerio's I can't help but feel like I'm still trapped. Last year I was trapped in a stupid pregnant girl's body who lost all of her friends, her family and the only place she felt accepted was the Glee Club. The very club she had specifically and ironically joined to break apart. Funny how things work out sometimes.
Though I'm 'Quinn Fabray' again, whatever that means, I see things a lot differently. Maybe it's the fact that I bore an illegitimate child, lied about who the father was, excommunicated from my own family and Sue Sylvester or maybe it's because I'm a teenager. Trying to get back into the swing of things such as picking on Rachel Berry and ignoring Puck's advances which used to be easy and staying on top just a little bit higher than Santana appears to be a lot harder than it seems.
Now I find myself feeling bad for Rachel and her stupid and somewhat stalker like obsession with Finn. Being mean to Puck rather than ignoring him and rubbing the fact that I have Sam in his face whenever I can. Then there's Santana. Normally our bitch fights and verbal assault on each other would be like a breath of fresh air. I would clearly win seeing as I'm queen bee around here and she is kind of trashy or slutty not that there is really a difference. It's almost written in stone somewhere. Quinn Fabray is and always will be better than Santana Lopez.
In all honesty betraying her trust in me about getting her boobs done would have not bothered me in the slightest had this been last year. Last year I would probably hold it over her head and make her do things for me for a while until finally I got bored enough and out of pure enjoyment would tell Coach Sylvester about her 'summer surgery'.
But now, just thinking about doing something like that for kicks makes me sick to my stomach. Especially when it comes to someone like Santana. My relationship with her has always been an interesting one to say the least. Santana, Brittany and Quinn. We were never apart from one another. But once we got into High School it seemed all bets were off. There was a race to be the best and we were always in competition even if though when we were younger it was unspoken.
I used my brains and my femininity of being pure to get what I wanted. Act like your more than what you are and guy's heck everyone will want you and you will eventually get what you want. Santana used her brains to realize if you give it right away the quicker you get what you want. I'm almost certain she's slept with ever guy in this school. When she first started acting out I thought nothing of it because our friendship had ceased to exist at that point. But I felt sorry for her. I still feel sorry for her.
And now I can't help but notice how sad she looks lately. The fire behind her eyes that used to be her drive has now turned into this strange faded color of what used to be. Instead of being mean because she's on top and in charge she's mean because of another reason. It's stupid of me to probably even care or even give it a second thought but there's part of me that sees her being very unhappy. Rather than pushing people away with her cruelty to keep them feeling intimidated she is pushing them away to the point where they want nothing to do with her.
Normally she wouldn't care because she always has Brittany by her side. But, it appears as though that has changed as well. I'm not an idiot and I'm sure no one else is either when it comes to those two. They are clearly totally gay for one another. I can see when she thinks no one is looking how kind she is to Brittany when everyone thinks she is crazy or flat out dumb. How she looks at her when they pass each other down the halls and how they always make it a point to touch each other.
I thought that if I had someone like Sam, who is in to being the most popular, the most good looking and the best athlete that I could go back to the way things were before. But being with him hasn't helped me one bit. In fact it's only made it all worse. His obsession for perfection drives me up the wall and I'm pretty sure he is using me for his status. Which to be honest for right now is fine with me because I'm probably doing the same and this stupid 'promise' ring on my finger is just a tool.
I thought that if I became who I was before the debacle that was last year I could continue to float through my high school years without a care. But it seems that all I can do now is care. I care that Rachel and Finn broke up because he initially lied to her about the Santana thing. I care that Santana even did that in the first place because although Brittany is her BFF and she loves her she doesn't really have the sense in her to tell Santana when something is not right. Speaking of Brittany, I care that she is just in the relationship with Artie to, I don't know make Santana jealous or just to be in a relationship. That all doesn't make sense, but it doesn't matter, what matters is that I care. I care that I couldn't help Kurt when he was getting bullied. I care that Mr. Schu is sad about Miss Pillsbury marrying that hot dentist.
It's so infuriating. It's driving me almost insane. But I can't tell anyone. So I keep my mouth shut. I smile when I have to. I kiss Sam back even though I don't want to. I laugh when Santana makes fun of Rachel even though I feel bad because she really has no friends. I care that Santana uses this façade to mask her true feelings. I care that Brittany is in love with Santana in a way that maybe Santana may never be able to reciprocate and they will continue to do this stupid dance around each other. I care that I care about all of this stuff because I shouldn't. I'm a teenager and I am supposed to be selfish and only worry about myself. I care so much that at the end of the day I'm too tired to care that I care.