Story: Hurting you hurts me the most
Author: zwn.
Genre: Romance/Angst.
Type: Oneshot
A/N:
As mentioned this is a one shot, a spur-of-the-moment-thing really. I haven't really had time to check it for errors, so there might be some in there, but nothing too bad I'm sure! If you do feel that you need to correct something - please do!
The number of Teddy/James S Potter fanfictions is increasing - and I thought I'd make a contribution as I love this pairing! Next time I might try a bit of a happier angle though, 'cause I'm not a big fan of sad fics myself and I'm not sure where this came from..
Eh, anyways.

"So what was I? Your toy? A fucking experiment? "

James doesn't realise that he is screaming until the last word bounces of the walls and reaches his ears again in the silence that has followed his statement-like questions.

(he hates his voice like this it gets so high-pitched and way too much like his mothers when he is upset and he knows that nobody takes him seriously when he sounds like that because all they picture his the red steaming vision of his mother)

"James..."
James expect the slightly older man to look him in the eye, take a hesitant step towards him, reach out a hand, a pleading expression – something.
But Teddy just stands there, hands shoved deeply in the pockets of his much too fancy robes, eyes locked on his much too polished boots and face hidden behind the dark curtain that is his fringe.

(that stupid brown thing on top of his head that Victoire insisted him to wear today cause oh yes it's a very special day and it is just such a lovely contrast between their hair but it just looks stupid and teddy shouldn't wear his hair like that)

Teddy's last word hangs in the air, James has his eyes fixed on the other mans forehead, waiting impatiently for the coward to raise his head. When he finally does, probably in the belief that James focus is elsewhere, their eyes lock and it's impossible to look away.

( and she wanted you to have your eyes a light shade of blue matching her eyes but you can't always control that can you because now their that dark grey stormy colour that i'm used to)

"Of course not"
Teddy's quiet words feels like nothing more than a faint whisper in the shadow of James shouting. His voice is shaking and his mouth's twitching.

"Then what the fuck is this all about?"
James gestures widely with his hands, indicating the garden that is visible through the giant window in the room their in. Teddy's eyes flickers momentarily to garden where he can se several of his friends and family having pleasant conversations over champagne and canapés with chevre.

(it is of course Victoires choice or perhaps and most likely her mothers cause i know you better than to think that you'd have your friends eating those ridiculously tiny pieces of what they call food and i know that you would have preferred something with meat or something fried or perhaps and most likely both)

"I... I don't – we, it's.."
Teddy runs his hand through his hair, taking a deep breath.
"Oh, spit it out, you fucking coward"
He's no longer shouting. He's too tired. Seeing this, being here – it's all too much. He just wants an explanation, or something like it, so that he can leave. Teddy looks a bit taken aback by James's tired sigh, and he finally begins to talk.
"I never meant for it to go that far..."

As Teddy continues trying to explain how their one-year relationship – in James's words – was a mistake – in Teddy's words – the younger man blocks his voice out and instead watches the moth move, forming words. He tries to fit more appropriate words into the shapes his former lovers mouth his making, but it doesn't really work. "I want to be with Victorie, I SHOULD be with Victorie" is hard making into "Oh this is all so silly, c'mere and let's pick it up where we left of" even with good will and optimism.
Of course this is what he knew would happen. And he curses himself for coming here in spite of that.

(such a self-loathing masochist putting myself through this when i knew this was exactly what would happen when i knew i had nothing to expect from him when i knew i would die even more inside)

James realises that Teddy has finished talking a bit too late. The metamorphmagus gives him one last, excusing look and rushes of to get married. To a half-French sissy that apparently has everything that James hasn't (including a vagina).
James stays behind. Looking at the back wall, it's empty and white and it's not much to look at but he figures, since he isn't going to the ceremony, he might as well break down in the backroom of a church as anywhere else.

( i should have known though shouldn't i it's my own fucking fault i shouldn't have been so stupid shouldn't have been so trusting, so naive)

The people outside start moving in one big group towards the church, chattering excitedly leaving behind nothing but a giant party tent and a few empty glasses and trays reflecting the sunlight. It could at least have rained, James thinks bitterly and give the cloudless sky an accusing glare.

(i should have known, should have known, should have known)

I should have known, is the next bitter thought to cross his mind. When Teddy refused to tell anyone, refused to come out, refused to do anything anywhere near anyone they knew might appear. And he did know, didn't he. All those times Teddy cancelled on him because Victorie had tickets, had people over, had plans. He'd known all the time.

But Teddy made a promise, James tries to reason, proceeding to stare himself blind at the painfully white wall. He left her.
But did he tell her about you?
But he left her, he came to you.
But did he tell anyone?

How many times for the past months hadn't James stopped to think of how lucky he was, how (almost) perfect everything was, of he couldn't wish for anything more. Sure, Teddy needed a little time, but who could expect anything else from a guy who'd just broken up with his long-term girlfriend to be with his male surrogate-brother.
James lets out a noise, a small puff of air, that should have been a laugh had he been strong enough to muster it.
So fucking stupid.

He'd known from the beginning that this wasn't going to last. But for one fleeting moment, when they where locked in the cabin in the woods of Scotland, or on the balcony of Teddy's flat overlooking muggle London, or sending each other secret glances and smiles across crowded rooms during family get-togethers - he had allowed himself to think that maybe, someday he and Teddy could be happy together despite of what the others might think.

That time Teddy suggested they don't leave the house for the entire weekend, because why should they? They had papers and the wire-less and food - and each other. Harry and Ginny was under the impression that James was outside of London in his best friends mansion playing Quidditch like never before, and Teddy had let them know that he was taking a weekend of to go to Paris.

James realises know that that was the happiest he had ever been. And it hurts more than he could have imagined when he realises that he will never be that happy again, because who could take Teddys place, who could measure up to what they had.
When the white wall starts getting covered with red spots from lack of blinking James spins around and watches the door through which Teddy exited just a few minutes ago.

(minutes really is that right cause it feels like i've been standing here for hours it feels like i've been without you for years and it sure as hell doesn't feel like it was 48 hours ago that you kissed me goodbye to go to work promising that we'd see each other soon)

After repeating every moment of their relationship in his head, the good ones twice and the bad ones one time again, he has a hard time struggling to get air. He isn't close to tears, he doesn't have a lump in his throat, so he's not sure why breathing is so hard.

(because it used to be simple, when you where here and I could breath in you and breath out me and we'd be there together and it was the most natural thing in the world)

He's too tired, too numb to care about taking deep, proper breaths. With one last look towards the door, deciding that he'd rather perform a muggle lobotomy on himself with the tales of two fully grown skrewts than attend that ceremony, as it would be suicide either way, he apparates home. He takes a second to marvel over the fact that all his limbs are intact as he was nowhere near focused.

After looking through every drawer, cabinet and closet in the small flat he settles down in the couch with a six-pack of double-strength butter beer, two half empty bottles of fire whisky and various bottles of mixed alcohol that he's bought on different trips (most of them accompanied by Teddy). He doesn't bother to conjure a glass.

When he wakes up he doesn't know the time, but as the sun is about to set he figures it's late evening. Although he's not sure what day. His head hurts, but it's not nearly as bad as the aching in the pit of his stomach that has been there since he heard about the wedding. If he thought a simple jag would cure that he was obviously very wrong.

Not until he sits up and manages to sweep two empty glass bottles in the floor does he realise that he isn't alone. The shadow of his ex lover his lurking in the corner, he takes a trembling step forward making himself visible.
His hair is back to normal, James notices, matching Teddys summer-tanned skin much better than the way he wore it earlier. And that irritating fringe is gone.

James doesn't dare talk as he is certain that his voice is hoarse and that it will hurt his throat more than it's worth it. So instead he gives Teddy a look, giving him permission to speak.

"I'm sorry"

Teddy's voice too is hoarse, but even so he speaks loudly, with a strong voice and not in that barely audible whisper he tried to reason with previously.

"I hate myself"

Those three words shocks James more than he'd like to admit. He knows Teddy (correction; knew Teddy) and his voice is laced with truth, his eyes shining with honesty.

"I hate myself for doing that to you"

James, who for a moment thought that maybe the self-hatred had to do with marrying the wrong person, sinks back in the couch choosing not to comment just yet.

"It wasn't a mistake. It never was. But I…" Teddy looks at his feet, his courage letting him down for the first time since he entered the flat "I needed an excuse, something, a reason"

"For what?"

"I have to be with her"

"You love her"

"I.."

Teddy closes his eyes and swallows. It looks painful, and James knows that feeling all too well.

"I whish I did" Teddy finally whispers, and one single tear runs down his cheek and then drop silently to the floor. In less than a second it's absorbed by the rug and it's like it's never existed.

Except that James saw it.

"Why did you marry her?" he too is whispering now.

"I had to!"

Silence fills the room as James can't think of anything to say. After leaving the church he sort of hoped that would be it. He could come up with lies in the future so that he wouldn't have to meet the happy couple, schedule quidditch-practice, go out of town, set up meetings, get sick - he'd definitely never have to meet Teddy again.
And then here he was.

"I loved you" James said.

This time in a loud voice, his eyes fixed on Teddys, not flickering, not escaping. The other man has the same intense stare.

"I loved you too"

James raises his eyebrows, he almost lets a small smile play on his lips but decides not to. That would give the impression that he's not dead inside.

"I do love you"

"You just married my cousin, so excuse me for having the benefit of the doubt"

"She's pregnant" Teddy finally admits.

"Oh"

Once again they're both silent. Quietly watching each other, and Teddy knows that James might understand a little bit better now.

"You know how her parents feel about sex before marriage and all that.."

James nods, reflecting over his relationship with Teddy and what they would have thought about that. He gives that small puff of air-laugh one more try, and Teddy seems to understand what he's thinking of because he gives a weak smile in return.

"I can't leave he alone, Jamie, you know that"

And James does know that. Because Teddy could never do that, because Teddy could never do what's not right, Teddy could never hurt someone like that (well except his ex lover, but that doesn't really count now does it).

"You do love her" James states, because in his mind guilt is no reason to get married, a pregnancy is no reason to get married. As if it couldn't be removed, or as if it couldn't be raised without married parents.

"Not for real" Teddy says, and it looks like he's been thinking a lot about it. "Not like this"

He motions between the only to people in the room. The newly-wed Metamorphmagus in his early thirties, and the hung over twenty something man on the couch, the son of his godfather.

"It still hurts" James says.
And it does. Like hell. Even tough he finally got the explanation he deserved, he didn't knew that you could feel this kind of inhuman pain. Everywhere all at once, inside and outside, almost unbearable.

"For me too"

Another tear slides down Teddys cheek, and James wants to get up from the couch, go over to the beautiful man, swipe it away with this thumb and kiss away the pain as easily. But why would he. The beautiful man is a married man. And it feels like he's being stabbed in the gut every time I thinks the word 'married'.

"I wish things could have been diff-"

"Don't." James interrupts, "They aren't."

Teddy gives him a sad look. He hesitates for a moment before opening his mouth again, still looking uncertain of whether he should say the next words or not.

"You'll find someone"

"Yes" James agrees "and then I might be able to face you again"

Teddy gives him an outraged look, which is kind of amusing as this is all his fault. Well, his and the over fertile cow he married.

"Your not going to.. I'm- We aren't"

"I can't be your friend" James says.

The whole "rather have you as a friend then not at all" thing crossed his mind, but the idea of him and Teddy meeting over a beer and charring stories about their lives as married made him nauseous.
Teddy seems to understand, although he still looks offended, which suits him right really.

"I'll still see you around though" he says after a while.

"Maybe" James shrugs, "there's probably no avoiding that"

Teddy looks at him, and his expression is hard to read, but somewhere between sadness, anger and dejection. James knows the feeling, so he doesn't mention his plans to abdicate for the next decade or so.

"I'll miss you"

Teddys voice is full with emotion in a way it never was before. It looks like he struggles to come up with words to fit his emotions, but James knows he will fail, because those feelings haven't even been named yet, they haven't been defined, so good luck with that.

"Yeah" James says, which is the closest to a goodbye as he'll come, and Teddy probably knows that because he gives a small smile and wipes out his wand from within his robes.

"I'll see you?" he says, but it's formed like a question and he gives James an uncertain, hopeful look.

"Someday" James confirms and then I raises his hand in a tame, almost-wave and Teddy the faint sound that appears when apparating rings in the silent room.

The coffee table is covered with puddles and stains of alcohol, a few of the bottles still have a few drops in the bottom but most of them are empty. Some are still upright on the table, some on the floor and one, apparently, has been used as a pillow. James dreads to look in the mirror and therefore avoids the one hanging in the hall on his way to the bathroom.
After stepping in to the shower he lets the tears come, because that way they're not really noticeable as their stream down his face along with water from the shower.

Bill has already done Egypt, and Romania is taken by Charlie. France is not even an option has it reminds him of people he prefers not to think about. Asia seems far enough, doesn't it? But their conditions for workers in China is supposedly as crappy for wizards as for muggles, although he does like Thai food, and the Japanese emperor for the wizarding word has a lot of good ideas (at least that's what he read in the prophet). But there's Scandinavia, or maybe he'll go to the states.

He pours half the bottle of shampoo in his hair (which always irritated Teddy beyond belief) and pictures a world map. He could go by plane, after all, he might hook up with some nice muggle bloke?

fin.