For the First Time
For the first time, Roy is able to openly look at her; alright, he downright stares at her. To a stranger, he can only guess how creepy he comes off; how Fullmetal will incessantly tease him over something like this. But he can't help it. After years of avoiding looking at her for too long, he doesn't have to hold back.
His mind wanders back to the first time he saw her, back when they are both just kids and he is nothing more than her father's apprentice. She's quiet, reserved, and cautious, but somewhere along the line, they become close. Far closer than anyone can imagine. She becomes his greatest friend, his confidant. It doesn't matter that he's a know-nothing city boy, that he's a science nerd who has come to study alchemy with her father, that he'll never be good enough to even speak to her. They are friends, and that's all that matters.
But he still can't look directly at her; not while they're out in the fields, not while they're in town, and especially not while they're in the house. Her father, while brilliant, is also cold, distant, neglectful. And he will not be a catalyst and add to her pain. So he never looks directly at her face, but that doesn't stop him from glancing at her out of the corner of his eye whenever he has the opportunity.
For the first time, Riza can speak freely with him in public. Not having to filter every little thing, they can simply talk. About anything; about everything. They can talk about what to get for dinner, about what color to paint his kitchen, about their plans for the weekend.
She remembers the day he left upon completing his apprenticeship. After 2 years of reading together in the kitchen, of making jokes while cleaning the house, of trips into town side-by-side, he suddenly has to leave. She's not sure when it happened, but as she helps him pack, she realizes that feelings have developed. Not love, not that certain, not that strong, but something is there. It makes her heart stumble when she looks at him. She can't help it. But she still has to watch him walk away.
She realizes that she never calls him by his first name, that she always calls him Mister Mustang. He's never just Roy. It's not until he leaves that she realizes that while he knows her better than anyone, she never completely opens herself up to him. Opening up herself would just make her more vulnerable. And from every time her father has let her down or hurt her, she knows placing too much trust in any one person makes you vulnerable, and she will not let another man hurt her that way.
For the first time, Roy is able to compliment her. To remind her of how beautiful she is, how much she means to him. He thinks of his return to the Hawkeye household after graduating from the military academy. While it is true that he comes back for the secrets to mastering flame alchemy, he also comes back to check on his oldest friend. The girl that never leaves his thoughts. But what he never expects is for her to look so grown up.
When she finally shows him the secrets of flame alchemy etched into the skin on her back, he swears his heart stops. She's all curves, soft in all the right places. But he quickly stops that idea. He can't let her know how much she affects him; how beautiful he thinks she is. She's still so young, only 16, and he has too much to do, too many plans, countless goals that he has to accomplish. He thinks about how he can come back to her after he finally proves himself. But he never does. Plans change.
For the first time, Riza is finally able to look into his eyes in public. She doesn't have to avoid his gaze, which is probably a good thing, considering how often they make eye contact now, both actively and subconsciously. She supposes that is to be expected after years of staying two steps behind him. But now? Though she's still watching his back, these glances allow her to remember how much they have gained. So she cannot regret her choice to watch his back, not for a moment. Riza is reminded of the first time she enters in his office. From the moment she asks him to burn her back, their lives change forever.
But she isn't free, not yet. So when he asks her to watch his back that day in his new office, to protect him, to aid him in accomplishing his goals, she doesn't hesitate. This is how she fixes her mistakes, how she takes back control, how she ensures the man that means so much to her doesn't burn for their sins alone. And so she stays two steps behind him to the left, always watching his back. Years pass and he is no longer the young apprentice, but rather a 29-year-old Colonel, quickly climbing the ranks and making a name for himself. Proving himself.
For the first time, Roy can finally call her by her first name in public. He is astounded by how much joy it brings him to finally say her name where everyone can hear. It feels like he never stops smiling. He often goes back to the time before he could call her name out loud, back when there are still secrets to hide. Sometimes, he's back to that day in the rain, when they are against the clock to save Fullmetal, and he isn't thinking with his head but with his emotions.
He's lucky she never loses focus, that she is always there to save his ass just when he needs her. When he's suddenly falling backward after his failure to create a spark, his eyes grow wide and he can't help the cry that escapes his lips. He nearly yells her name, but catches himself, shouting her last name and asking what the hell did she do that for. And while her answer can be seen as snarky by some, she's merely telling the truth, blunt honesty. She's right of course, he really is useless in the rain; he really is useless without her.
Other times, he's calling her Elizabeth. No, not calling, shouting for her. When he hears the struggle on the other end, it's nearly impossible to keep his cover. She's in danger and a wrong move could destroy everything they have worked for; reveal his involvement in everything, ruin her cover, blow the mission that his men are on. But suddenly, he's running down the steps of Central HQ, his feet moving as fast as they possibly can.
Making it just in time, he snaps his fingers, sending a cast of fire into the homunculus, sending it straight out the window. He and Fuery barely have a chance to catch their breath before she yells at him. His normally composed First Lieutenant is livid, going so far as to call him an idiot, and when he thinks back to the points she made, he admits she is probably right. But as he stands there agreeing that, yes, he is an idiot, all he can think is that she's safe. That the last words she ever hears from him won't be Elizabeth. This relief doesn't last long, as Fuery catches sight of the target on the move. As he and Riza head down the stairs of the tower and she finally thanks him for saving her, he brushes it off, choosing to focus on the task at hand rather than the fact he nearly lost her.
For the first time, Riza can tell him how she loves him without the guilt, without the fear. Just real, and honest. The moment she finally knows she loves him is not a pretty one. They are both lucky they make it out alive. When those words come out of the homunculus' mouth, her brain doesn't make the connection for a fraction of a second. Her eyes grow wide, and her hands begin to shake as she tries to put words together, to confirm what cannot possibly be true. That smirk is too much, even for the calm, detached first lieutenant. With a shriek of profanity, Riza begins to empty her ammo into the monster, screaming, doing anything to prevent what is said from coming true, even if it is too late.
When all three of the sniper's guns are empty, the homunculus speaks again, and Riza can't even begin to catch her breath. She tries so hard but is unable to prevent the sobs from racking her chest, and when she is unable to stop the tears from pouring from her eyes, she looks up at the bitch one last time before falling to her knees. The one person in her life that was constant, stable, who had made mistakes but didn't hide from them, who gave her life purpose, was gone.
It is in that moment, that heart-wrenching moment, that she knows. She doesn't have to think about it, to question what she is feeling, it's so obvious. Her love for this man, this idiotic, stubborn, lazy, trustworthy, compassionate man, knows no bounds. They have been together long enough, surely it wasn't that surprising. But he's gone. The man she loves more than anything, that she would follow into hell, is gone.
Alphonse, a mere child, is far braver than she can ever hope to be, insisting that she stand, that she fight, that it isn't over. But it isn't until she hears his voice again that her world comes back into focus. Behind the wall Alphonse creates, she is helpless. She struggles against the heavy arms of the hollow suit of armor that is the youngest Elric brother, screaming for the Colonel. But even from here, she can feel the heat from the flames he's creating in an effort to destroy that monster. Every time he speaks, she can hear the anger, the determination… the fire in his voice. And while she is scared, she thanks whatever God there is for allowing her to hear his voice again.
It's only after he destroys the monster, Lust, that he finally gives into the pain and collapses to the ground. She's at his side in an instant, and the first words out of his mouth are asking whether or not she is alright. He thinks only of her, and thanks Alphonse for keeping her safe. It isn't until later, when they are in the hospital, that he finally berates her for giving in so easily, calling her an idiot just as she called him mere hours before. While everything is so different now, somehow it still isn't. She will never be able to tell him how she feels, they will never be able to have a relationship, he will never want her the way she wants him. But he's alive, and she loves him. And that's good enough for now.
For the first time, Roy is able to comfort her, to hold her, to keep her safe from things that cannot be seen. She has always watched his back, but, for the first time, he can ensure her safety and comfort as well, both in public and in private. When the team is separated, and she's being held hostage in plain sight, that's when he knows he is lost. She's so close, and he can see her clear as day, but they can barely exchange pleasantries. His queen isn't able to protect him, but what's worse is that he is completely useless without her by his side. The absence of all of his men, Falman, Fuery, Breda, Havoc… place a burden on him that he wasn't prepared to bare. But without her? It may as well be raining every day.
He can hear it in her voice, the frustration, the exhaustion, the fear, that night when he calls her. And he's powerless. He can't do a damned thing other than make a lame joke about the excessive amount of flowers he bought. If he does, he runs the risk of placing her in more danger, and that is a risk he cannot take.
It's not until he deciphers the code revealing Selim Bradley is a homunculus that he knows she's in far more danger than they ever could have expected. And he knows they'll have to act soon. Yet if anything happens to her, he's lost, with no one left to watch his back. He swears that someday he'll be able to protect her like she's always protecting him. So when the Promised Day finally arrives, he makes an order forbidding his team to die. Ever the obedient soldier, he knows she'll do anything not to let him down. And that's all he can hope for on a day such as this.
For the first time, Riza is able to acknowledge that everyone knows of their feelings for one another like it is something to be expected. Perhaps, some know even before she knows herself. Her mind vaguely wanders back to the late Brigadier General Hughes, and his constant nagging of Roy about finding a wife and settling down. Hughes, after all, met her when she and Roy finally reunited in Ishval. And while he constantly bombards Roy with information and pictures of his wife and daughter, Riza realizes much of his nagging about settling down is done in her presence. Though she's his bodyguard, she and Roy aren't together 24/7, and Maes is Roy's closest friend. At the time, she dismisses this thought, so sure that Maes must pester Roy about that constantly, but with hindsight, she isn't so sure.
Thinking back to her time "working" under Furher King Bradley, she remembers a particular conversation. Despite being a homunculus, apparently without feeling, he admits that he chose his wife, chose who will be by his side. She can't say it doesn't stun her. He brings it up so casually, it feels like he knows how much a choice would mean to her, how much she wants to choose Roy, how much she loves him. What is she talking about? Of course, he knows of her feelings. After all, aren't the homunculi and father the ones behind life in Amestris, the ones pulling the string, especially Furher King Bradley himself? She would not be surprised if he knew of her love for him just as Riza is beginning to understand her feelings for him herself.
Back in the tunnels under Central, she places her gun to the back of what appears to be the Colonel's head. She sees them tense, eyes wide at the realization that they have been caught, but as the homunculus shifts back, it openly questions the closeness of the relationship. The fact that they had bought Riza's lie so easily, without any questioning, proves to her that she is not as good at hiding her feelings as she hopes. She attempts to keep calm in the situation, but her breathing halting for a fraction of a second. While she wishes that it isn't a lie, she can't help but taunt Envy for falling for it so easily. Perhaps that's to reassure herself. Certainly, he doesn't know, for she can't imagine that he will ever return her feelings. And while that may be true, she is the one to try to pull him back from his rage, his quest for revenge. When he takes off his gloves and apologizes for hurting her again, she's just glad that he still needs her, still trusts her… even if he knows that she loves him.
For the first time, Roy can hold her close to him, feel her breathing, moving and alive. And after everything they have been through, this is perhaps one of the most comforting things to him in the world. The first time he ever holds her should be one of his fondest memories, but it's tainted by the fact that he nearly loses her.
The love creeps up on him, after years of being together, it's there like it has always been there and is meant to be. If he has to place a time to recognize his feelings for her, he places it on an ordinary day, not long after she adopts Black Hayate. Nothing extraordinary about that day stands out in his mind. He simply remembers looking over to her in their old office at Eastern HQ and knowing. She has just yelled at him for slacking off and is now scolding his men as well, and he just knows.
But he keeps this to himself until he almost regrets it. Her throat is cut in an instant, her eyes on him as she falls to the ground. Calling for her, he knows that this is all his fault. He is the one who places her in dangerous situations, and now, she may lose her life. In all of the chaos, she reminds him of her promise not to die, and he sucks in a sharp breath. She's trying to keep her promise. When he sees that look in her eyes telling him not to do the human transmutation, he grinds he teeth to prevent the words from spilling out before agreeing to her demands. He can barely even acknowledge what the crazy doctor is saying when, suddenly, the fight starts again.
With his arms free, he rushes to her, lifts her from the floor and into his arms, not thinking clearly, his heart in too much of a wreck. And when Mei has him place her on the transmutation circle, it takes everything in his power to let her go. As soon as her wound is sealed with alkahestry, she's in his arms again, his face is buried in her hair, and he breathes in her scent. When her eyes open and he sees that beautiful caramel color, he feels like weeping. But there is no time for that, so he simply reminds her that they have been together for too long for him to not know her signals. She's alive and that's all that matters.
But soon, the Promised Day and Father get to him too, and they are forced to separate again. Without his sight, he isn't sure how much time passes before they are reunited. What he does know is that telling her what has happened feels like a stab in the gut. But she's his guard, his conscious, his sight. So leaning into her, with her pointing the way, he continues to fight, but now he can hold her close, if only for the moment.
And so, for the first time, everyone can see them as they are, two people that are deeply in love. He cannot stop looking at her from across the room, looking absolutely breathtaking, standing beside her grandfather as several gentlemen try to gain the Furher's favor. She cannot help the smile that graces her lips every time their eyes meet, a silent I love you while they are surrounded by throngs of people. He doesn't notice the women batting their eyelashes at him, vying for his attention. She doesn't acknowledge the inappropriate compliments the gentlemen kissing up to her grandfather bestow upon her. Because they only have eyes for one another, and for the first time, no one can stop them.
Eventually, he cuts into the conversation, asking that the gentlemen excuse them for a moment. The smirk that appears on her grandfather's face makes his cheeks grow warm, but he knows the old man means well. He decides to lead her out onto the dance floor, knowing that she likely won't suggest a dance on her own. He gathers her into his arms and as they begin to move, she asks him how he always appears at the right time.
"We've been together long enough," he smirks, looking down at her beautiful face while they dance. "And besides, I know that look. It means that you're losing your patience. This was my chance to save you for once."
She can't help the light laugh that escapes her, completely out of character, but she's too happy, too in love to care. "Well I can't say I'm not grateful for the escape," she says, enjoying the feel of his hand in hers, his fingers brushing her waist.
Raising their joined hands, he brushes her left ring finger against his lips. A small kiss, right on the ring that was placed there just weeks earlier. He knows they should wait, should have a public relationship before jumping straight into engagement now that the fraternization laws have changed, but he can't help himself. So here they are, engaged, dancing together in public.
"It was purely for selfish reasons, Riza dear. How else would I have a chance to get a beauty like you to myself? This is the first time we've been able to dance together after all," he says to her, his tone soft, his eyes shining with love as he looks down at her.
Her lips lift into a small smile, and she rests her head near his shoulder. For the first time, they don't have to worry; they are just Roy and Riza.
A/N: I do not own the rights to Fullmetal Alchemist (any media format). Constructive reviews greatly appreciated.
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