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I watch as Derek, Meredith and that social worker discuss what happened today in an exam room. I instantly start thinking about Sofia; and the what ifs that plague my nightmares start running through my mind: what if Mark decides the doesn't want Sofia around me calling me, Mommy; what if Calliope and I don't make it and she won't let me see Sofia; what if Sofia has to be brought back to my NICU. I get this pulling in my heart that tells me that I need to see Sofia. Like when I have my nightmares the only thing that soothes my soul is seeing my baby girl.
"Does anyone want to go check on Sofia?" I ask.
Calliope looks at me and asks why; but it's Mark who verbalizes what I'm thinking, "Because when someone is talking about taking a baby you want to see your baby."
I rush off towards the daycare where Sofia will be sleeping for her nap. I hear Mark and Calliope following right behind me. All of us stand behind the glass and watch Sofia as she sleeps. My fears are quieted for the moment while I watch my baby girl sleep. I feel Calliope's eyes on me, but I keep staring at Sofia.
My shift ends before Calliope and Mark's; so I volunteer to take her home and they agree. I go to the attending's lounge and change into my street cloths then go back to the daycare to get Sofia. I walk the short distance from the hospital to the apartment complex humming 'We Are One' from Lion King 2 to Sofia. She seems to like her Mommy humming different Disney songs; something that Calliope finds funny. What a grown woman isn't allowed to enjoy watching Disney movies?
Sofia goes down pretty easily tonight; so I start catching up on some reading waiting for Calliope to get home. She gets home about an hour later and has a frown on her face; so I know that the social worker must have taken Zola from Meredith and Derek. She sheds her purse and jacket and walks over to the breakfast bar where I'm reading and gives me a kiss before going to check on Sofia.
"What was on your mind before you left?" It's a simple question, but it's not one I'm ready to discuss endlessly with her. How do I tell her that I worry every night that I will be in Meredith and Derek's position, but instead of a social worker it's Mark or her taking Sofia from me?
"Sweetie, come on, talk to me." she walks over to the breakfast bar and puts her hand on the journal I was reading and takes it out of my hand. I look up to face her, but she doesn't say anything she just takes my hand and guides me to the couch. We settle down on the couch with Calliope's arms protectively around me and I'm resting my head on her shoulder. She waits for me to talk. After a year like last year we have finally learned how to communicate. She's learned that I like to have a plan before we discuss anything and I know she just wants to talk until something gets solved. We're still trying to find a healthy mix of the two, but generally whoever is upset; they get to decide how the discussion goes.
I take a deep breath and begin to speak, "in my nightmares I'm Meredith and Derek and Mark and you are the social worker. I can understand why Meredith would take Zola because if something happened between you and I, which it won't you're stuck with me, I could lose Sofia. She's my daughter and I could lose her at anytime, because she doesn't have my blood coursing through her veins." I bury my head into Calliope's shoulder.
She still isn't saying anything; she just makes soothing patterns on my shoulder with her finger. She kisses the top of my head before she speaks, "I'm glad I'm stuck with you because there is no where I would rather be. I wish there was something I could do that would make you feel more secure with the fact that no one will ever be able to take Sofia from you, but there isn't much more we could do that we haven't already done." When Calliope and Sofia finally released from the hospital after the accident, Mark brought by papers that he had a lawyer draw up that said if anything happened to one of us then the other two would jointly raise Sofia.
"It's just a nightmare I can't shake; it's kind of like the tiny coffins. It will always be there in the back of my head nagging at me. Having alone time with Sofia helps and sitting here with you is helping to."
"Then we'll sit here awhile longer," she says simply.
"How was your day?" I ask.
"Rough, I couldn't imagine having to cut off your leg if it had been you and me in that sinkhole."
I stand up and grab her hands and begin leading her to our bedroom. She grabs the baby monitor and follows my lead. I think after a day like today I just need to feel my wife as intimately as I can and judging from her admission she does to. She sets the monitor down on her bedside table and I close the door then walk over to her and kiss her sweet lips and gently push her onto the bed.