Disclaimer: Desperate Housewives is so not mine. I promise.

Story Summary: The neighborhood reluctantly gathers to celebrate a birthday. Pre-series.

A/n: I woke up with a few lines of dialogue for this story in my head. They evolved into this. I'm not exactly sure where this is going yet, but it's been awhile since I've done an ensemble fic and they're fun to write. Please let me know what you think! Enjoy.

Pool Party

A story by Ryeloza

Chapter One

"You know, I can do this solo if you want to sit down."

Lynette glanced at Tom from where he stood on the opposite side of their van, strapping Preston into his car seat. Immediately, he thought that he'd said the wrong thing, though he couldn't begin to imagine why. As of late, he couldn't seem to go two minutes without sticking his foot in his mouth.

"You do realize that I've been doing this for the past nine months with no problems."

"Sweetie, you're three weeks from your due date. I was just trying to help."

Lynette rolled her eyes, mockingly echoing his words under her breath, and Tom suppressed a groan. He really had thought that this pregnancy would be less taxing if only because they weren't having twins this time; now he knew that that was a stupendously stupid way of thinking. Between the heat wave this summer and looking after the boys, she seemed crabbier than she had while working full time.

"We're going to be late. You know that, right?"

"To an eleven-year-old's birthday party. At a water park. Somehow I don't think he'll notice."

"Mary Alice will." Lynette snapped the final buckle into place and let out a cocky, "Ha!" He was somewhat surprised that she didn't stick her tongue out at him as well. "And you thought you'd be faster than me."

"I never…You know what, forget it."

She wasn't listening anyway; she'd shut the door and was now struggling to get into the front seat. As Tom finished with Preston, he wondered which would make her snipe more: helping her or not. Reluctantly (he was fairly sure either way he'd get yelled at), he walked around the car to help her in, and she instantly snapped, "I'm not an invalid!"

"No, you're just stubborn as hell," he said, assisting her anyway.

"And this," she growled, waving her hands in the general direction of her stomach, "is all your fault."

Tom slammed the door shut and took the ten second walk to the driver's side as a moment to vent under his breath. "Three more weeks. Three more weeks. It'll all be over. Never mind that she was the one who said we didn't need a condom." With a deep breath, he opened the door and climbed in, trying to ignore how she turned the air conditioning to full blast the second he started the ignition.

"All right," he said, falsely cheerful. "Let's get this show on the road."

"You brought the present?"

"Yep."

"And the diaper bag. Sunscreen?"

"Yes, and yes. We are all set to go. You don't have to worry about a thing."

"We'll see."

Tom smiled. It felt painfully forced, like his mouth was stretching widely in a way it didn't want to go. He was desperate for some sincere levity, oxymoronic as that was. Somehow, he needed to snap her out of this mood. "So," he said brightly, "I'll bet you ten bucks that Susan shows up wearing an outrageously inappropriate bathing suit."

"Really, Tom?"

"What?"

"I'm so big I'm about to pop and you're going to compare me to a woman in a skimpy bikini?"

"Compare? Who's comparing? I was just—"

"Yeah, I know what you were just." Lynette raised one perfectly judgmental eyebrow, and Tom shut his mouth. Explanations were futile in the face of such irrational thinking. He just had to face facts—until this baby came, nothing he said was going to be right; he might as well stop trying to censor himself because it wasn't working anyway.

"No woman should be forced to put on a bathing suit in her ninth month."

"You do realize we didn't have to go to this thing, right? I mean, who invites all of their neighbors to their kid's birthday party? We didn't invite anyone to the twins'."

Lynette sighed, for once not sounding annoyed. Tom fought the urge to pull over the car and kiss her senseless. "I don't know if there are a lot of people coming," she said. "I don't think Mary Alice or Paul really have any family. And, well, I hate to say this, but Zach is—"

"—a weirdo! I'm just gonna say it, Susan. There's something not right about that kid."

"Karl!"

"You know what I saw him doing the other day? Staring."

"Staring?" asked Susan, laughter creeping into her voice. "At what? You?"

"No! Just staring off into space. For a minute, I thought he was staring at the sun. Actually, that would explain a lot."

"You're terrible."

Karl shrugged, indifferent to Susan's judgment. She could act as shocked as she wanted; he knew that she felt similarly. "Remember the day you found him trying to convince Julie to walk on the fence?"

"Daddy, that was my idea."

"Julie, shh. The grown-ups are talking."

Julie gave him an eye roll that was worthy of a teenager—still five blessed years away, thank God—and sat back in her seat with her arms crossed. Karl chose to pretend that the kick she gave the back of his seat was accidental. "You know, it's really not just Zach," he said, ignoring how Susan turned to shake her head at him. "That whole family is a little off. I mean, who pays to have some big, expensive party at a water park when they have a pool in their back yard."

Susan looked away guiltily, muttering something under her breath. Karl only caught the words "paying" and "big deal," but immediately his suspicion rose. "What was that?" he asked, reaching over to give Susan a poke.

"She said, 'We have to pay to get in and not to make a big deal about it.'"

"Thank you, honey," said Susan, twisting around to pat Julie's leg. "Mommy's got it from here."

"Susan, tell me that she misheard you."

"Children under twelve are half-price."

"Susan…"

"They have that speed slide you like. The one that drives your bathing suit right up your you-know-what."

"Susan!"

"Yeah, okay. We're paying."

Karl groaned, hitting the steering wheel. The horn gave an obnoxious yelp. "You've got to be kidding me."

"This really isn't a big deal."

"The hell it isn't. What makes you think that I want to pay to get into a pool that has probably been pissed in by thousands of little kids? Do you know how disgusting—"

"—public pools are?"

"It's called chlorine, Mom. Duh."

Bree glanced back at Danielle, ready to reprimand her, but both she and Andrew were absorbed by those ridiculous pocket-sized video games their father had gotten them for Christmas last year. As though the ones they played at home weren't nuisance enough, now they were portable. "Hey," she said, tapping Danielle's leg. "Put those down for a minute. We need to talk."

"We talked this morning," said Andrew. "Isn't that enough for one day?"

"Andrew, put that thing down and listen to your mother."

Andrew heaved a great sigh as Bree gave Rex a grateful smile; after a moment, Danielle reluctantly complied as well. "You're not going to give us another lecture about the dangers of diving into the shallow end, are you?"

"No. We need to talk about Zach."

"Why?"

"Because it's his birthday, and you've been invited to his party. You know what that means, don't you?"

"Yeah," said Andrew. "That my mother is forcing me to hang out with a loser just because he lives next door."

Rex snorted. Fortunately, Bree didn't hear him over her gasp. "Andrew!"

"He's creepy too. You know I caught him hiding in the bushes last week? I think he was watching Danielle."

"Ew! He was not!"

"Was too. He's in love with you."

"Mom! Make him stop!"

"Andrew, shut up," said Rex, as Bree simultaneously chastised, "Danielle, don't be so dramatic." The kids glared at one another, Rex stared sullenly out at the road, but Bree forced herself to keep smiling. Heaven knew that she had absolutely no desire to spend the day at a water park of all places, but Mary Alice had practically been in tears the other day because hardly any of the children in Zach's class had agreed to come to his party. When Susan had suggested they come lend moral support, Bree was only too happy to agree.

"Now look, you three," she said pleasantly. "We're going to go and have a nice time. You two are going to be on your best behavior, and you won't do anything to upset Zach. If you do, we may have to rethink your birthday parties for this year. Is that clear?"

The responses were mumbled, at best, but Bree took what she could get.

"Why does Andrew have to come?"

"Zach…"

"He's a jerk. I saw him kick a puppy the other day."

"You did not!"

"Well he looked like he wanted to."

Paul snorted, and Mary Alice shot him a warning look. If anything, Zach was picking up this bad attitude from his father. Maybe if Paul was a little more social, Zach would learn by example. "Sweetie," she said gently, "I know that you and Andrew don't always get along, but it's nice that he wanted to come. Everyone just wants to help celebrate your big day."

"Yeah right."

"Really, honey," Paul whispered under his breath. "There's no need to lie to him."

Mary Alice sent Paul a surreptitious glare; he always had to make these things as painful as possible. "You'll see, Zach," she said, perhaps a bit too loud and cheerful. "This is going to be a great day."