I don't own anything....yet :)
I love Chuck and I know he loves me too, but sometimes I lay awake at night wishing that this magnetic pull we have towards eachother didn't exist. We are inevitable. Maybe this is karma's way of punishing us- bringing us together only to have us viciously tear ourselves apart. But those times that we are truly together seem to make all the hurt, all the pain and all the betrayal fall away. Who knows why we do it…maybe because happiness is unnatural on the Upper East Side, or maybe we have some sort of sick sadistic/masochistic desire to mess things up. We are damned to a miserable life without eachother and a cursed life with eachother. Bound to a life of self sabotage.
Trust is a thing Chuck and I will most likely never share. What is a relationship without trust? A failure. Blair Waldorf does not fail. But honestly, how can I trust other people when I have never even learned to trust myself? I take full responsibility for my actions, but I wish I didn't have to. I pray every night to become a better person, go through a transformation like Serena once did, like Chuck has done now. The fact is- I can't stop, can never change. My inclination towards perfection and control is my own personal plague and the one thing I have no power over. The reason I first felt the urge to stick my finger down my throat was not self image, it was self control. Of course, my bulimia only made me lose more control. Just like all my other decisions in life, it backfired. It's true that you can never completely cure an eating disorder. The compulsion remains and relapses happen more frequently than I would like to admit. The worst part of it all? Scheming and revenge have joined forces with bulimia. If anything my compulsion for scheming is a stronger disease then my eating disorder ever was. Deep down I don't mean to hurt anybody. I don't want to drive those closest to me away. It is self sabotage.
That's how I ended up here, drinking alone at Victrola thinking about how to get Chuck to forgive me. This is how all my schemes end, me alone contemplating why I was so stupid to believe I would gain anything.
"You were right Nathaniel. Blair will never change; she will always be a manipulating, conniving, selfish, vindictive, righteous bitch." Chuck breathed out in agitation. He was lounging in Nate's apartment smoking pot. He didn't want to be home right now, not willing to risk the chance of her showing up to try and talk.
"Dude- I thought you liked that about her. Weren't you the one that told me it was stupid for me to want her to change? This is Blair we're talking about, she will never mellow out." Nate has made his peace with Chuck and Blair's relationship but he will never understand why two people so in love can be angry at eachother 85% of the time.
Chuck hated that he was right. Bitchy Blair was hot.
"She betrayed me Nathaniel. She used me like I was just another one of her puppets. She doesn't respect me. She is still so stuck in a high school mentality."
"Son now that you're a major CEO billionaire you're the mature one? You're too good for her?" Nate could not believe he was hearing this. He was Chuck's best friend, but Blair's his friend too and for Chuck to think that is ridiculous.
"I didn't say that." Chuck snapped. "I just don't understand why she did this. Doesn't she know I'll do anything for her? I'm so fucking whipped it is humiliating. I would've helped her."
"So what are you going to do now? Keep up the occasional detached conversation thing you two have going now? She's sorry Chuck. She has said it a million times and you know she means it man. Blair Waldorf does not apologize for anything unless she truly is sorry."
"It doesn't matter. She can never take back what she has done. How am I supposed to trust her? Mr. Ellis was bad enough, but Jack? That was the last straw."
"Dude, she just wanted to help you. Aren't you being a little overdramatic?"
"Her going to Jack almost ruined me. She shouldn't have been so naïve. Perhaps he gained her trust when they slept together." Chuck spat out bitterly.
"It wasn't like that and you know it. Blair's thing with Jack is her business, and as for her asking him for help? She honestly thought she was doing a good thing."
Chuck scoffed. "Please, it was probably just another excuse for them to fuck again."
"You don't know what you're talking about Chuck. You weren't here at New Year's. You have no idea…"
"And you do?" Chuck was getting really irritated with Nate's know it all attitude today.
Chuck did have a point there. Nate was too wrapped up in his own drama to notice Blair at New Year's.
An awkward silence filled the air.
When had Nate gotten so smart?
It was at this time when Serena took the liberty to burst in, dragging Dan in close behind.
Dan and Nate had been pretty good friends since last year and Serena has been hanging out with Nate a lot more, things going back to a casual friendship. Serena and Chuck have been getting along better, especially after the night of the opening.
"Hey Nate!" Serena called out. "Oh, god Chuck's here!" for once this was not a sarcastic comment.
Dan shifted uncomfortably, he and Chuck have been on fine terms lately so that wasn't a problem, but the overwhelming scent of weed was. Catching on, Serena opened a window and made the boys stamp out their joints.
"So did you guys come over just to ruin our high or was there a legitimate reason?" Chuck was seriously annoyed. He really needed to be stoned right now and he was currently only buzzed.
"I just thought we could all hang out if that's cool with you?"
"No problem." Nate has gotten used to Serena and Chuck showing up randomly since they no longer want to speak to Blair about their problems. He never realized how much she did for them until the responsibility fell to him. Blair has always fought with all of them and it always turns out okay, so this will all resolve itself soon…I hope.
"So you two looked like you were deep into something when we cam in." Serena said, remembering the strange intensity in the room when she and Dan arrived.
"Yeah, it's called marijuana." Chuck snarked, he really didn't feel like continuing his argument with Nate in front of Sunshine Barbie and Brooklyn.
"We were talking about Blair." Nate confessed, wanting to just get this discussion overwith, personally he felt it was being blown way out of proportion.
Once again an awkward silence filled the air as recent memories of the formentioned filled their minds.