A Week in the Life of Kaito Kuroba
Archive – Take it; it's yours (just tell me where it will end up).
Category – Humor, Parody
Rating – PG-13
Warnings – Character bastardization, Kuroba being possibly 100 percent unlikable, swearing, multiple allusions to penises, and just being very, very annoying
Summary – An in-depth look into the famous teenager's mind. (A.k.a. NO ONE messes with Kaito on a bad day!)
Feedback – Greatly appreciated.
Disclaimer – Any money-wise profitable aspects in regard to this franchise certainly are not affiliated with me.
SUNDAY
11:50 AM. Roll out of bed to inhale some fresh morning air. Good morning, Japan! Ah, what a wonderful day. So thrilled to start. Mom's left for Hokkaido for the week, so I guess it's just me in the house! I quickly help myself with some yummy bacon mountain with melted Swiss cheese on top, not even bothering to touch her awful oatmeal.
12:30 PM. We've reached the height of Himalaya! How delicious. Realize it's lunchtime upon finishing up every single crunch of bacon I left on the fifth plate of bacon-cheese mountain. Of course, that means…more bacon-cheese mountains! Hmm, so good. Now what's the thing that I know in my guts that I must accomplish…
12:32 PM. Give up remembering. Rearrange my CDs in an alphabetical order. With this task safely out of the way, I'll be able to concentrate.
1:11 PM. Listen to my CDs.
5:10 PM. Check emails, log on to MySpace, LiveJournal, DeviantArt, YouTube, Facebook, other people's MySpace profiles, other people's DeviantArt profiles, etc.
6:13 PM. Watching Sailor Moon R on YouTube interrupted by phone call from haughty detective Hakuba wanting to taunt about my preparations for my upcoming heist. He annoys me, so I go ahead and insult his wardrobe and hair style. Asshat gets upset and starts calling me names I don't understand, so I hang up to avoid him embarrassing himself any further.
8:34 PM. A supreme epic, that Resident Evil: Extinction was. Alice super kicked ass but was super yummy too, just like a bacon-cheese mountain. I dig up my own copy of a Resident Evil game to help enhance the experience.
11:56 PM. Eww, that was some entertainingly grotesque shit. That zombie note was sure creepy. Note.
11:57 PM. Upcoming heist finally comes to mind. Read over the sent note in the newspapers carefully, to savor its special flavor. "When the moon weeps as the cloud sways, the shadow in the sky will utter its praise. I shall take the king of the sky, and hide it where no one will find." Poetry. Sheer poetry. I put the newspaper clip in a frame and celebrate my genius with pizza and root beers. What a celestially productive day.
MONDAY
7:55 AM. Wake up with a sick feeling in the stomach. Back to sleep.
8:00 AM. Got yelled at by Aoko, saying something about being late. I roll out of bed just so she'll shut up. God that woman gives me the heebie-jeebies. Sick feeling still in the stomach.
8:15 AM. Steal breakfast and newspapers from neighbors on my way. Read the headlines. No Kid news, so I stuff the newspapers into the trash can.
8:28 AM. Aoko has green cotton panties on, as expected. Go, me.
8:30 AM. – 11:30 AM. Three hours of boredom. Naptime.
11:46 AM. A very sweet dream of a naked Inspector Nakamōri screaming like a teenage girl unceremoniously disrupted as my ears are pulled by stupid teacher. Forced to stand in the hallway for rest of the class, so I skip it in favor of a trip to downtown to get myself some ice cream and other important heist gears.
3:00 PM. Return school to face crazed teacher. Forced to stand in the hallway for remainder of the day. Needlessly to say, I walk off exploring the campus.
5:00 PM. On way home with Aoko babbling about irrelevant crap like Nakamōri preliminarily diagnosed with cancer. I offer to cheer her up with a sleepover fraught with exciting zombie-blasting.
5:01 PM. Slapped and accused of "insensitivity". Ah well.
5:08 PM. Glance at the framed note briefly for inspiration
5:10 PM. Check emails, log on to MySpace, LiveJournal, DeviantArt, YouTube, Facebook, other people's MySpace profiles, other people's DeviantArt profiles, etc.
7:00 PM. Interrupted in the middle of a very intense Resident Evil game by phone call from annoying Akako. Say things to make her go away, but instead she starts crying. Right on the phone. I hang up but it's too late, Chris is already dead and I FORGOT TO SAVE. Starting all over again – damn bitch.
11:58 PM. Ugh, room spinning with gory zombies. Fuck homework. Sick feeling still in the stomach. Why…?
TUESDAY
6:03 AM. Wake up only to see heavy snowing outside. Goddamn it, Dad. Why couldn't you have a different set of Kid costume for every season, huh? Idiot. Dreading my dick frozen off thanks to stupid weather.
6:04 AM. Sick feeling settles in. Why…?
6:10 AM. Steal morning newspaper from neighbors. "Countdown: FIVE days until Kid's Heist". Oh, no. Eat more bacon and cheese to de-stress.
WEDNESDAY
9:30 AM. Snowing.
THURSDAY
6:30 AM. Still snowing.
FRIDAY
7:50 AM. Fourth day of snow. Must stay at home to cope with depression, and a future without my dick.
12:21 PM. Unable to sleep. Get up to say a heartfelt goodbye to my soon-to-be-gone member.
3:21 PM. Get out of shower. Thoroughly exhausted, just like my member. Wonder if one can masturbate too much.
3:22 PM. Brainstorm hits: I shall call Hakuba.
3:24 PM. Dial Hakuba's cell and tell him he looks like someone who masturbates too much. Prick gets offended and hangs up on me. Stupid jerk has no sense of humor.
4:34 PM. Flicking channels. Fascinated in this infomercial and call immediately.
5:10 PM. Check emails, log on to MySpace, LiveJournal, DeviantArt, YouTube, Facebook, other people's MySpace profiles, other people's DeviantArt profiles, etc.
6:00 PM. Receive desired product at just 50.99. Great; problem solved. Note to self: Thermal Blankets make Kaito happy. Will incorporate them into Kid's costume. Awesome. I reward myself with a new Grateful Dead CD I've always wanted.
8:29 PM. Oh my God, Spice World is GREAT! Those chicks are PRICELESS! Just look at the INSTRUMENTS! I jot down ideas for my next breakthrough performance.
8:30 PM. Realize 24 hours till next performance.
8:31 PM. Not panicking. Just think. Think. Think. Need stimulation. Stumbled onto Magician's Block. Block. Blasting. Maybe blasting zombies will help. Yeah, that always works. I cook up some bacon-cheese in case of an emergency.
9:15 PM. Held off a horde of zombies all alone by myself – I'd better get a medal for this. Whoaa…a Tyrant; must run. Ha ha! The thrill of chase never ends!
9:18 PM. Decapitated by that ASSHOLE Tyrant, FUCK! Depression sets in.
9:19 PM. Enlightenment: The thrill of chase is not worth the risk of getting caught. Shift attention to that real-life ASSHOLE Hakuba.
11:12 PM. Come across an opera ad when browsing omg., my most valuable news source. Now there's an idea…or not. Besides, Britney Spears is again up to something.
11:26 PM. Lost in trails of thought – the burden of being a genius. Meditate on big, relevant, philosophical questions that puzzle the big thinkers of the century – like why professional magicians and criminals aren't paid more.
11:31 PM. What am I supposed to do again?
11:35 PM. Give up thinking. Head hurts – have to call it a day. Vow to wake up very early tomorrow, so I go on to seek comfort in the pages of my favorite magazine – Shounenzasshi. Must remember to glance at the framed note briefly for inspiration.
SATURDAY
6:06 AM. Inspiration strikes! Roll out of bed to steal TWO opera tickets. Will think of what to do with them later.
7:10 AM. Got the tickets and resort to the time-honored tradition of Kaitous – let the hands do the thinking!
7:27 AM. Good thinking, right hand – must check recent surveillance reports from where Hakuba lives, his uncle's house. Hmm, it seems Hakuba's uncle's Japanese-British family is here for vacation – with their seven-year-old son Cornelius Hakuba whom Hakuba passionately hates. Excellent. Feeling accomplished and comfortable that I have more than 12 hours before the ultimate showdown, I snuggle into my bed for a peaceful, well-deserved rest.
9:00 AM. Successfully impersonate a travel agent and convince the couple to attend the opera, leaving Hakuba with some hellish babysitting duties tonight. Sorry, Detective – THIS IS A ONE-MAN SHOW, AND I'M THE ONE WHO'S IN IT!! Relieved, hungry and buzzing with glee, I make myself some delicious bacon-cheese mountains.
10:16 AM. Eating interrupted by whiny detective bitching about cowardice, destroying his sanity, lack of moral integrity, blah, blah, blah. Tell him to go suck Nakamōri's dick and hang up on that man-whore.
10:52 AM. Ugh, another call. Must be pissed Hakuba, just to be a cocksucker. Cut off the telephone line and turn off cell. Phew, time to play with my Gundam Wing action figures, because nothing is more urgent than anything that involves oddly-shaped objects when a heist is due in less than nine hours.
12:31 PM. Got yelled at by Mom for not picking up her calls, leaving all the cheese-bacon dishes in the sink and having oatmeal molding on the counter. Try to explain that I'm an artist, not some mindless Japanese mother who's got nothing better to do. Mom is unmoved, though, and forces me to stuff them into the dishwasher AND write an apology. I'm blaming her if I'm late for the big show.
2:05 PM. Finally free from the slave chores that stink. Decide to brush my teeth, play DDR, and take a walk.
3:31 PM. Oh no.
4:00 PM. Four hours and thirty minutes before the heist. I'm not panicking. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I set off to do something so gay that I've never thought of before – producing a to-do-list.
4:03 PM. Check off "Hakuba (hopefully literally) tied up in his uncle's house".
5:00 PM. Done sewing thermal blankets to Kid costume. Check off "The Warm Kaito Initiative".
5:05 PM. Know that I forgot the details of the heist. No problem – I will simply read off my own heist note!
5:06 PM. "WHEN THE MOON WEEPS AS THE CLOUD SWAYS"? What the fuck does that even mean? I don't understand a Goddamned sentence here. Who was the fucktard who fucking wrote this, anyway?
5:07 PM. …Right. Frantically trying to remember what I meant. I think it has something to do with how I thieve, but how? Distressed, I check off "Hakuba (hopefully literally) tied up in his uncle's house", just to be safe.
5:37 PM. Making sure that "Hakuba (hopefully literally) tied up in his uncle's house" is checked off.
7:19 PM. Hours passed and I still haven't decoded my own cryptic riddle. Leaning against my bedroom door in despair, I am forced to consider giving up my mission. It is ironic, I smile ruefully through bitter tears, that my career should end in such a terrible way, defeated by my own invention. Perhaps, I cannot help but wonder, it is best that I resume being the boy that I was before taking up my father's mantle – like playing Super Mario all day long.
7:57 PM. How can I be such a coward? Father might have trained me well, but the most important lesson he taught me, was to never give up. That was, is, and will always be the way of Kid, the way that has made him who he is, and I'm not going to abandon it, even if it means confronting my worst enemy – myself.
8:03 PM. Although the approach, the heist location and the name of the wanted item still elude me, I have conceived a way to cleverly sidestep the problem – I will begin the journey in the sky with my glider, and I'm confident that, while on my way, the memory of which way I should go will return to me.
8:05 PM. "Hakuba (hopefully literally) tied up in his uncle's house" – Check! "The Warm Kaito Initiative" – Check! "Glider in Excellent Condition" – CHECK!
8:09 PM. Just found out glider has one broken arm, because I fell off the roof top. Must have been that fucker Hakuba when he showed up last time. Try to fix it and/or to take it to my supplier in the next couple of minutes.
8:28 PM. AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! I WILL BE LATE! LATE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO….
10:55 PM. Fashionably late, as always. I overlook the crowd that is beneath my feet. They are so enchanted by my powerful presence that is also a nuclear-powered miracle in human size, that they begin to chant my name, whose otherworldly rhythm obviously challenges the very notion of space and time. How is it possible, they must be wondering, for a human being's awesomeness to be this hard to quantify? Inspector Nakamōri and his underlings are restless but physically drained – which is all part of my grand plan. I deliberately misguided them about the time of our appointment, and deliberately made them wait for nearly two and half hours, to tire them, and to work this to my strategic advantage of the wildest magical wonders. Prepared for my destiny, I calmly take out the gears that were clearly engineered by Jesus Christ.
10:58 PM. Wheeeeeeee!
11:15 PM. Annoying children attempt to upstage me, but I get back at them by shaving their heads. Don't care what happens to them afterwards. Especially not their apparent leader, that spectacled one.
11:27 PM. Chased by lousy policemen. Losers. I take off on top of a building in a spectacular display of athletic perfection and glorious human pride.
11:30 PM. I'M FLYING! YES, FLYING! FLYING!
11:32 PM. I'M THE TOTALLY BAD-ASS KING OF THE WORLD!
11:40 PM. I'M BENDING THE PLANET IN TWO WITH MY COCK AND IT FEELS FANTASTIC!
11:45 PM. I'M A GLOBAL SENSATION, I'M THE DESTROYER OF GALAXIES, I'M A BEAUTIFUL ANIMAL, I'M A WALKING PHENOMENON, THE MOST INCREDIBLE AND COMPLEX BEING TO EVER GRACE THIS DIMENSION, I'M KID THE PHANTOM THIE –
Woops, people are looking at me funny. Better put on the Poker face. Damn, I hate pedestrians.
SUNDAY
12:04 AM. Get home. Shower. Contemplate returning the stone, it being a family heirloom and all. Decide against it – too much hassle; throwing it away is much easier. Not returning stuff unless failure to do so will endanger my life. I celebrate my brilliant greatness with pizza and root beers.
12:31 AM. Can't sleep. Call Hakuba to strike a meaningful conversation. The following is the reproduction of it.
Answering Machine (Hakuba): You have reached Hakuba Residence. We are currently not available, but if you are in any way concerned with Cornelius Hakuba's well-being and life in general, please press one immediately. If – (Curious, I pressed one)
Answering Machine (Hakuba): (deep voice) I have good news for you. You may be interested in the fact that the only reason I cannot talk to you at this very moment is because I am busy drowning Corey in the loo, before I harvest all of his vital organs in the depths of my secret laboratory hidden in the basement. Also, I'm pleased to inform you that I cannot be held responsible for these actions, because I clearly have no comprehension of what I am doing, nor am I aware that what I am doing will lead to Corey's death. Oh God, look at him, he's turning purple. Well, I hope you enjoy whatever you are doing, whilst knowing full well that Corey is alone with someone like me.
Answering Machine (Hakuba): (normal voice) On the other hand, if you are not in any way concerned with Cornelius Hakuba's wellbeing and life in general but have pressed one nevertheless, please press star—(I did)
Answering Machine (Hakuba): That was just a harmless joke. Seriously, did you actually buy it? I trust you didn't. Cousin is alive and well, if you must know, and I recorded the message just so those who care will return and relieve me from this assignment. Since you actually pressed one even though you shouldn't have, which can only suggest your playful nature, I believe that a return call is not really necessary for you. Please put down the phone, and don't call us ever again.
(The phone was disconnected. Undeterred, I called again.)
Answering Machine (Hakuba): Hakuba Residence. We are currently not available, but if you are in any way concerned with Cornelius Hakuba's wellbeing and life in general, please press one immediately. If you represent a government agency, or wish to speak to Saguru Hakuba or Masao Hakuba in relation to any matters other than murders, please press two. If you are calling to promise physical harm to either of us, please press three and leave as much information as you would care for. If you are Kaito Kuroba and/or Kaitou Kid and are either ready to confess your crimes or to simply talk to Saguru Hakuba, please press four. (I did)
Answering Machine (Hakuba): Please begin your confession after the beep.
Me: Hello? Hakuba? It's me – Kuroba! Hey, I've been wondering, like, why you suck so much. So just give me a call when –
Unknown (Hakuba's cousin Cornelius?): Hi, Mr. Kuroba! Don can't answer the phone because he's busy playing with "Mr. Bingo" to Kid's pictures on which he wrote "w.a.n.k."! I just hacked into his computer and saw he actually has a pile of your files! He even has a drawer full of stuff that he hides from Mom and Dad, because that's where he keeps the poems about –
Hakuba: Oh you sick, twisted little –
Cornelius: I'm not a liar!
Hakuba: I will KILL you! I will strangle you, then slice you open, then grow teeth on your kidney–
Cornelius: Nooooo! Help!
Hakuba: You don't NEED any help! You – you, just bugger off, okay? You've caused enough trouble as it is. And give me the phone.
Cornelius: What? You cleaned up the mess you made out of that carpet?
Hakuba: You – I didn't make that mess. YOU did. And yes, I cleaned up the mess YOU made out of that carpet so nicely that it's as if I burnt it and bought a new one and not even some gifted arseholes like you could tell the difference and give me back the damn phone!
Cornelius: Did you just call me a "gifted arsehole"?
Hakuba: Why, so I did. You can run off to Mama and tell her all about how the big, bad Don just totally distorted the English language and henceforth spoiled her little angel's angelic innocence.
Cornelius: I'm calling Daddy! I will –
Hakuba: Greetings, Kuroba, I see another heist well-done. Would you like a cookie? In case you were wondering, you were absolutely amazing. You looked as if you were waving your prick to a thousand people.
Me: Hey, if I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak.
Hakuba: Ha ha, that's a good one. No, really, it is. You should probably get into the comedian business, since your laughable qualifications for thieving pale infinitely in comparison to your prowess in recycling jokes.
Me: What about fun facts, then? Like that you fondle your balls a lot.
Hakuba: I do NOT fondle my balls. You – you can't believe a word he said, can you? He cannot be trusted; he was sent here by Satan himself –
Cornelius: I'm not a Satan-Spawn. YOU ARE. With your red eyes and red hair and red everything –
Hakuba: Shut up! JUST SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP! Look, Kuroba, if you are just calling to wank off in my face –
Me: Oh, I'd LOVE to.
Hakuba: (pause) That was not funny. Not funny at all.
(Note to self: cross out "closeted homosexual" from the list of things that Hakuba isn't.)
Me: Well, maybe it was because of my timing. Tee hee.
Hakuba: No, it is NOT funny under any circum – look, I've got enough to deal with on my hands so I don't have time to – Okay, Kuroba, if you really want me to self-destructively admit defeat, how's this – "I will almost certainly capture that overgrown child and when I do, the world will react with horror to the terrible punishment that falls upon him. Next time. And if I never do, well, it's God's will." There, you've singlehandedly obliterated the last shred of my dignity. I hope you are happy now.
Me: Yes, I'm happy now.
Hakuba: Rotten vermin.
(Hakuba hanged up.)
12:37 AM. I put down the phone and tuck myself into bed. Ah, yes, life is good. I drift off into the sweet sea of happiness while dreaming of a hooker factory and a beer volcano.
The End, for now
Bonus!
How many times did Kaito, as with any reasonable 17-year-old…
1. call Hakuba names?
2. imply that Hakuba sucked dicks?
3. make allusions to the penis?
The answers will be revealed in my next Magic Kaito story that is slated for a release in the indefinite future!