Title: I Need A Reason Why
Spoilers: All Seven Books
Date: July 23rd, 2008
Summery: Susan looks back on the past.
A/N: I'm coming back to the Narnia fandom after jumping ship for a bit to pursue other things. Well, I'm back with a redeemed!Susan fic. Hope you enjoy. And as always, please review after you're done, even if you hated it. :)
"Susan!" Peter's anguished cry hurt my ears. He was trying to convince me—again, I might add—that those silly, childish games we played when we were young and sent away during the war were real. I yelled at him when I found him, Ed, and little Lucy talking about it. I mean, honestly.. There's no way we were kings and queens in some magical land. They're all off their rockers! Aren't they? No.. I've thought about this for ages, and there's no denying I'm right. They got a little more into the game than I did. So much, in fact, that years afterwards, they still believe it.
"Peter.. You know me. I can't believe something unless I've seen it with my own eyes. I need a reason why I should still believe in Narnia." The look on his face made my tear my eyes away. It was pure agony. I sighed softly. In some ways I envied them. They could still pretend that Aslan was real, that Narnia was real.. I couldn't, sadly enough. But I had more important things to think about. It does no good to dwell on the past, right? I shook my head and smiled benevolently, telling him through the expression on my face that I thought he was mad. He opened his mouth to speak.
"You've got a hundred reasons why you shouldn't, I'll admit that. Caspian hurt you.. The fact you can't return in this lifetime.. I'll admit it hurts, knowing Lu and Ed could go back longer than we can." He said, running a finger through his hair. "But you've only got one reason why. I'll leave you to figure it out on your own." The look he gave me was so full of pity that I wanted to slap him. "By the time I've returned, I hope you've figured it out, Su." I could tell he wanted, needed to call me 'Queen Susan the Gentle,' which he had called me for a while after we'd returned from the Professor's house. It was when I snapped at him that he finally quit.
'Ah, the Gentle's finally decided to make her presence known, huh?' Peter said jokingly. Ed and Lu giggled. The look on my face could have struck them all down where they stood. I bit out, "Where do you get off calling me that?" I glared at them, crossing my arms. Peter visibly backed up a step and held up his hands. Ed and Lu looked frightened and curious. I glared harder, flopping down on the couch behind me.
You know Narnia's not real. I daresay you should stop tainting their minds, Peter Pevensie.' I said bitingly, looking at anything but them. I was angry, and they knew it. How dare they call me by the name I had long since given up? The name they called me by when we played out games? It was old news. Queen Susan the Gentle.. Hah!'
They left that day. They hadn't told me where they were going, but I'd heard they were going to find Professor Kirke's rings he had made. Supposedly, they could get you into Narnia. Though how could they get you into a place that didn't exist? I shook my head and sank onto the bed, feeling the cool sheets wrap around me. They felt like ice on my warm skin. It was unusually hot for an English spring.
I ran a finger through my hair, sighing softly. I sat up on the bed, staring at my reflection in the full-length mirror. I was a sight, that was for sure. My eyes were red and puffy, I had no makeup on, and my shirt was torn. Yes, definitely a sight. However, who could really blame me? My siblings were dead. Mother was beside herself and in no shape to even care for herself. I was struggling with Narnia. Ever since I heard the news, I had been.. hearing things. A voice had been whispering in my ear.
'Your siblings are in my country, Queen Susan the Gentle, ruler of the radiant southern sun. All we need now.. is you.'
The first time I had heard it, I'd shrugged it off as myself going slowly mad with the death of my beloved, though slightly touched in the head, siblings. I began hearing it more and more often, until something a friend said really got me thinking. I hadn't told any of my friends about Narnia. They would think me crazy for thinking of a game I played when I was younger for so long, but just out of the blue, she told me this.
'When I look at you, Su, I see a gentle soul that's been buried under things that are simply frivolous. I think you need to get back in touch with yourself. After all.. A gentle soul isn't so bad, is it?'
It really made me stop and think. My eyes were opened that night, and I sobbed my apologies to Aslan, to my siblings.. for everything I had done, for every cruel name I had called them. I could only hope they heard my apologies.. and forgave me. I felt like an idiot. Why had I denied Narnia? The days we spent there were the best of my life.. I guessed it was because it hurt so much when Peter and I were told we could never return.
I came down with pneumonia that winter. I was bedridden for a month. The doctors said I should have overcome it in a few weeks, but I didn't. I just grew sicker and sicker. They said I wasn't getting better because I didn't want to get better; I had lost my will to live. I wasn't sure if that was completely true, but it seemed logical enough. Personally, I couldn't wait to enter Aslan's country. I died just as the first spring flowers bloomed, on March 12th. I was twenty-five years old.
The first thing I heard when I woke was Lucy's cry. "Susan! She's here!" A small, brunette bombshell collided with me, sending me into the grass. Her circlet shone in her hair. She truly looked like a queen, bright eyes glistening with tears and she hugged me fiercely. "You're home.. You can't know how long we've been waiting for you." She whispered in my ear. Edmund reached me next, chuckling. Oh, how he had grown since I last saw him. He must have shot up five inches since.. the accident. He smiled. Goodness, the girls must be all over him.
"Lu, give her some air. She just got here." He said, laughing softly. He extended a hand to me, pulling me to my feet. "I—It's been a while, Su." He said, pulling me into a hug. I pulled away and looked at him at arm's length. My, my.. He had grown into a man befitting of the title of King Edmund the Just. He deserved such a title. His crown shone silver, and he gave me that little half-smile of his. "Here come Peter and Aslan. I'm sure they'll be happy to see you. I know I am. We've missed you. Narnia's missed you." I winced. It felt, somehow, like he was rubbing it in that I hadn't been here. Even if it wasn't intentional, it hurt.
Aslan and Peter approached me, and I eyed them warily. I felt all the world like a child who was about to be scolded. I stared at the ground, the rocks, and the sky.. Anywhere but at them. Aslan approached me first. "My child." I shuddered. I had forgotten how powerful.. How majestic that voice was. "Susan. We have missed you, my gentle one." For the first time in years, I didn't flinch at the title. Susan the Gentle. He nodded to Peter and he stepped forward, his eyes telling me all I needed to know. In his hand was a shining golden crown.
"To the radiant southern sun.. I give you Queen Susan the Gentle." The words that were spoken at my coronation were spoken again as Peter placed the crown on my head once again. He pulled me into the third hug of the day, and whispered in my ear, "I guess you found your reason why." It wasn't a question. It was a statement.
"No. I've found hundreds of reasons why not. There's only one reason why, and that's all I need."