A/N: I don't own Bleach! (Wouldn't it be nice to post this disclaimer on our profile and be done with it? Hmm...)
By the way, for those who are waiting for the non-humor type multi-chapter story from me...it's coming. Slow...but coming. But for now, enjoy these!
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Everyone was talking about the most recent posting on the notice board of the Shinigami Women's Association.
"Men's Hot Body Competition! Women, cast your votes into the box next to this bulletin! The man with the most nominations wins! The winner of the title will receive:
1. His name forever recorded in the Soul Society Hall of Fame
2. A whole spread done on him for next year's shinigami calendar w/ royalties
3. An all-you-can-eat gift certificate to the famous Big Mama's Dango Pit"
Ichigo and Ishida weaved and pushed their way through the throng of women huddled around the board.
"Let us through, let us through!" Ichigo said eagerly, as he squeezed his way over to the posting.
"Excuse us. Pardon, miss. Sorry about that," Ishida mumbled, following close behind Ichigo. When the two of them finally made it through, they quickly read through the announcement.
Ichigo pointed at the message board in excitement.
"See!? What did I tell you, 'Shida? Free food from Big Mama's!"
"I see."
"What kind of lame reaction is that?! Have you had their food, man? You can't get food like that in the living world. Tch! Dead people have all the luck." He smacked his fist into his hand. "You better pull out your insurance policy, Big Mama, cause Kurosaki Ichigo's gonna wolf down the entire restaurant!"
"And just how do you plan on getting the most nominations?" Ishida asked, pushing his glasses up his nose. "Most of these women don't even know you exist."
"Well, let me think for a second," Ichigo replied, fingering his chin. However, he wasn't able to think for long.
Behind them, a commotion began, and it slowly started escalating. Ichigo and Ishida turned at the sound of women squealing and crooning, and they strained their necks to see what was happening.
When Ichigo saw the reason for the ruckus, he felt his gorge rise. In the middle of the cluster of women, Abarai Renji was strutting his stuff, topless, showing off his body art and his toned physique. His hair was hanging down over his eyes and onto his shoulders to give him a sexy edge, and he held his zanpaktou out next to him, leaning on it casually.
"Hello, ladies," he murmured in a low, lazy tone. "You're all looking especially lovely today."
There were sighs, and some screams. Some women were busily fanning themselves with their hands while others just drooled.
"Oh, my gosh! It's Lieutenant Abarai Renji!"
"Ow! He's hot!"
"Oh, my, I think I'm feeling faint."
Several women ran over to the man, hanging all over him. Renji gave a dazzling smile.
Ichigo scowled at the spectacle.
If that bastard Renji thinks he's going to win this contest, he's got another thing coming, he thought.
Ishida smirked.
"Well, it looks like Abarai-san wasted no time getting his votes," he remarked to the substitute shinigami.
There was no answer. Ishida glanced beside him and blinked.
Ichigo was gone.
In the center of all the attention, Renji struck a couple of subtle poses and flexed his muscles. He was surrounded by beautiful women but his mind was elsewhere.
Yup. He could already taste those delicious dangos. His lips curled in anticipation.
Suddenly, someone not-so-beautiful came into view in front of him.
"What the-?"
"Oi, Renji? Trying to steal my place in this world?"
"Ichigo! Teme, what-" he couldn't finish his sentence because Ichigo was already walking away from him.
Ichigo reached deep into his pocket and pulled out a disfigured and slightly blue Kon, who had been stuffed cruelly into the tight space.
"Oi, Kon!"
Kon gasped when he breathed the free air.
"I – I'm alive!" he shouted in abandon. Then he stared daggers at Ichigo with his beady eyes. "Ichigo, teme! How dare you stuff me into that indecent place? I ought to – "
"Shut up, Kon. I need you to do something for me."
"Huh? You need my help?"
Kon jumped down onto the ground and pointed his paw at the orange-haired shinigami in triumph.
"Ha! So it's finally come to this, has it? A time when you need MY help! I knew this day would come. If you think you can treat me like dirt and expect help from me, you'd better think again. I'm going to make you beg on your knees like a – "
"I'll ask Inoue to hug you."
"…"
"…"
"…"
(cough) "Then again, who am I to turn away a friend in need?" Kon scurried over to Ichigo and looked up at him with shiny eyes. "Just tell me what to do, boss."
Ichigo bent down to whisper to the stuffed animal, and Kon nodded here and there. Finally, the latter saluted.
"Just leave it to me! Let me show you how Kon-sama shows his quality!"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just do it."
"Hai."
Kon squeaked over onto the roof of the Shinigami Women's Main Office, overlooking the mob. He cleared his throat.
"Testing one, two…testing one, two…ATTENTION LOVELY LADIES OF SOUL SOCIETY!"
All attention focused on the roof.
"I am Kon-sama, the loveable, squeezable mascot (and best friend) of the man of the hour, the hunkiest hunka hunk of the year, the famous, most powerful substitute shinigami of all time, KUROSAKI ICHIGOOOOO!"
At his cue, Ichigo tore open his shinigami robe and shrugged halfway out of it with a feral look on his face, reeking of charisma. From nowhere, Kon pulled out a huge spotlight, shining it on the man. There were more screams and hollers as the attention shifted from the red-haired shinigami to the orange one.
"Observe, the rare, silky, orange locks, the manly scowl, the strong-as-rock jaw line, the streamlined figure of youth," Kon continued as Ichigo posed in time with the descriptions.
The crowd went wild. Ichigo felt the urge to giggle.
Ha! Take that, Renji!
He continued to strut and pose when suddenly the atmosphere changed and the crowd went silent. Ichigo froze.
Huh?
He straighten up and looked around. No one was watching him. All the women were staring at something or someone else.
What was that damn Renji up to now?
He started fuming, but stopped when his eyes found said rival off to one side of the crowd. The red-haired shinigami was also staring at whatever's got a hold of the women's attention with an annoyed look on his face.
It's not Renji. Then, who…?
He finally saw the perpetrator and suddenly started feeling sick. He felt his streamlined figure of youth wither.
Chad was calmly walking over toward him in his Chadly way.
Shit, shit, shit.
All the women were staring silently with their mouths hanging open. Chad's steps faltered as he noticed he had everyone's attention. He carefully walked in between women who were rooted to the spot and made his way over to his friend.
Ichigo twitched. It was over.
Chad stopped in front of Ichigo.
"What is it, Chad?"
"Ichigo."
"Yeah?"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"There are no enemies here."
Ichigo sweat-dropped.
All of a sudden, the preternatural silence broke and turned into crazy mayhem once more.
"Whoa! Hold the stick!"
"Who's that? He's dreamy!"
"Now that's one hot body!"
"Tall, dark, handsome, and mute. That's the man for me!"
"He's mine!"
More cat calls.
Chad was unnerved. He moved to stand behind Ichigo. Invisible monsters he could handle, but screaming fan-girls were a different story.
Ichigo sighed.
Renji, Ishida, and Kon made their way over to the two guys. Renji wore a slight pout.
"Well, Chad. I guess you win the contest," he admitted sullenly.
"Contest?"
"The contest that's posted up over on the notice board over there," Ishida said.
Chad was quiet for a moment.
Kon fumed. "What the hell was that unspectacular entrance? No mascot, no spotlight!" he cried, even though no one was listening to him. "Humph! There's no way it can - "
"Anyway, Chad, congratulations," Ichigo said. "If it wasn't me, I'm glad it was you buddy."
"Ichigo?"
"Yeah, Chad?"
A bright pink paper was held up in Ichigo's face.
"Is this the contest you were referring to?"
Ichigo's face turned red as he read through the contents of the paper. Renji, seeing his rival's reaction, reached over and grabbed the paper out of Chad's hands, reading it, feeling his jaw drop in shock. Ishida pried it away from Renji's fingers and began to read aloud.
"Notice: From the Shinigami Women's Association –
Due to an overwhelming number of votes and no more room in the vote box, the contest for the Men's Hot Body Competition has ended as of 8am this morning. Congratulations to Shigekuni Yamamoto-Genryusai, Commander of the Thirteen Protection Squads, our hot body of the year! An SWA representative will be contacting our winner for further instructions and the awarding of the grand prize. Thank you, everyone, for your help in making this competition a fun and smashing hit!"
There was a moment of silence. All the women, hearing the news, started to disperse, once again going about with their lives. The only ones left in the small courtyard were four men and one stuffed animal.
"The old man won," Renji said in quiet disbelief.
"I picked up that notice on the way here," Chad said to Ichigo. "I remembered you saying you were interested in it."
"Yeah." Ichigo was starting to come out of his shock. Although it was going to take a while to recovering from being beaten by an old man. "Thanks, Chad." He shook his head. "Well, I guess that's it, then. We've wasted enough time here. Let's get out of here, you guys."
They all started to walk back to the Gotei Thirteen, but a loud shout interrupted them.
"JUST A MINUTE!"
Everyone stopped and stared back at the owner of the voice. Kon pointed accusingly at Ichigo.
"You didn't win the contest, but you still owe me for what I did for you, Ichigo!" he demanded, thrusting his paw in Ichigo's direction. "A promise is a promise! As a man, I demand that you keep your end of the bargain!" With that, Kon crossed his arms and turned his back to them.
Ichigo sighed, scratching the back of his head.
"Aa. Fine, fine. Just wait here a moment." He looked at the others. "Sorry, everyone. Go ahead without me. I'll catch up with you later." With a poof, Ichigo disappeared. Renji shrugged and walked off, followed by Chad and Ishida. Kon stood waiting right where he was, shaking in eagerness.
"Ahhh, Orihime-san, my Queen, my magnificent peaks and majestic valley. I'm ready for you!"
At last, Ichigo poofed back. Trembling in joy, Kon whirled around and leaped toward them.
"Orihime-saaaaaaannnn – oomph!"
Kon landed against something soft, but it was not the magnificent peaks he was expecting. Instead, it was…a belly? Feeling a chill run down his fluff, he slowly looked up.
And screamed.
Ichigo grinned over at him.
"Kon, I want you to meet Inoue Bison-san, number one sumo wrestler of the Kusajishi territory. Have fun, you two." Waving, he poofed away.
"Ichigoooooooooo!!!!!"
Kon struggled to get away, but Bison already had him in his grip. The big man peered down his large belly at the stuffed animal, who was currently fighting not to get stuck in the crater that was the man's belly button.
"Little animal."
Kon froze.
"Ichigo said you make a good loofah."
The following screams were heard in every corner of soul society.
………………………………
Fin
(poor Kon, will it ever be his turn?)
Thanks for reading!