Kiev, 28 June 1812.
-Lizzy.
It was said like a shout but its softness made it sound almost like a whisper. The door was open and the first thing I could see was the body of my husband falling down.
-Alexandr! Please… help! Solnyshko moyoi, no, no.
"No". That was everything I could think as my hand were trying to open up his coat. The buttons pop off as I broke his shirt and there, I saw it. His blood stained my hands, my dress, and suddenly all I could see was the darkest red colour that was threatening to take away the life of my Alexandr.
-Fast Elizaveta! Take this towel and put some pressure on the wound.- Shouted Papa. His hands guided mine and helped me in this duty but my eyes couldn't stay there. They change their course and found his gaze. There was fear and regret in them. If Papa gave another order, I couldn't tell. My world fell silent as I felt Alexandr's hand caressing my cheek.
-Radost moyaii, I'm sorry that...-
-No, don't say a word.- I cut his speech. Even at this moment the impertinence in my character came afloat. All I wanted to ask him was: "Please, try to stay. Don't leave us, don't leave me". But my heart knew that he could never honor this desire. He was leaving me and only the Lord's Will could make him stay.
-I shall never be apart of our Dushen'kaiii, moy Alexandr.- How could I? if our son was my life. Yes, my son too. Perhaps not by flesh and blood but our souls were made of the same material. Our little Andrei was more mine than his. I have said it like a vow, and indeed it was. Only death could make me leave my baby. The blue in my husband's eyes seemed to shine, in the same colour of the Moscow's sky in the sunny and windy Easter morrows, when he heard my words.
-Moya Lizzy, I'm sorry for the short time that I could love you; for not seeing the pureness of your soul, and for make it hard for you to love me. Now, I can only say that, thanks to you and God, you have been the love of my life, the joy of my days. My heart shall be yours for the eternity and I'll be watching over you and our precious children. Be brave…
-Your family will be always protected by your brother and me, son.- My Alexandr turned his gaze to his father and the feeling of tranquility changed his countenance; more relaxed, more in peace, and more away from me. He managed to smile despite the pain and with that he passed away. My life was in ruins; everything has been turn into ashes in the same way that the Russian villages were being destroyed in an effort to get away from the French army, in the same way the hands of my dear husband were turning cold as the fire of his soul seemed to extinguish.
-He is gone, my sweet child. –It was too soon. I could still feel the heat of his skin, its softness. He got no reaction from me. My life was passing in front my eyes, or at last the past 5 years; my new beginning in Russia as the wife of the second son of the Prince Goleníshchev-Kutuzov, one of the greatest General under the reign of Catherine the Great, Paul II, and, now under the reign of the Tsar Alexander I. For whom he fought the battle of the three Emperors and was victorious. And nowadays, as the Field Marshall Kutuzov, he was destined to victory over the Napoleonic army, the key of the Russian people for their freedom and the key to get own revenge, revenge on the coward who wiped out the happiness I was beginning to reap.
-… we must give him holy burial today and prepare ourselves for the journey. With the French advance into our land it is my duty to retake command in front of the troops and to ensure that you and my grandchildren will be safe, out of the battle area…-
-No! –That must have been the last answer he was expecting for. –All Russia will be a battle area as you well know! Don't insult me right now when it was under your guide that I had been successful in the study of the Russian history and the character of its people. With the lack of resistance that we showed in Vilna and the abandon of Vitebsk it's obvious that you are bringing them in, we could even sacrifice Moscow and Napoleon won't have any opportunity to escape the Russian winter. You know him to well to understand that it will be his own arrogance that will lead to his army's destruction, and you are counting on the Russian conscience against the invader for this strategy not in the force of our army. No, I have to continue with Alexandr's plan. With the mission you put on his shoulders of bringing the news about the Russian strategy to the British authority, and with my husband still in my arms you cannot deny me satisfaction. There was only a man, a British man who knew about his plan; and only he could been responsible for this crime. A betrayal against a friend but also treason against his own country, and if I can't bring him here to be punish I will see him hanged in Britain for his society with the Napoleonic cause.- I was shouting and trembling but the Lord knew that a new fire lit my blood in that moment.
-Please Papa, support me in this commission. Don't let your son' sacrifice be in vain.
-You are the best daughter in law he could gave me. - There was a brief smile in his mouth when he said that phrase. –In 3 days, the minimum time for saying our goodbyes to Alexandr. You will take the children and travel to Venice, not Trento as we had decided, and from there it will take you 18 days by sea to reach London. That means more days of journey but the newroute will guarantee your safety. I'll ask Babuska to assist you in everything she can. I must call on your brother, we need him here.
-Thank you, Papa. Thank you. -I repeated as I kiss his hand. He was saving my life
-Elizaveta, on your shoulders lays the sacrifice of my son and that of the thousands Russians souls that will be taken before the winter finish. Be strong and honor it. But today, be a wife; mourn him and let his children say their goodbyes.
i "My sun" translation of the Russian pet name.
ii "My joy" translation of the Russian pet name.
iii "Little soul" translation of the Russian pet name for children. Popular in the XVIII century.