A/N: This is the saddest thing I've written in my life... I even cried while writing it, and I wanted it to have a happy end but some circumstances made me leave it all sad and emo. But if you guys want me to make it a 2-shot and give it a happy end, I'll be more than happy to do it.
Warinings: Extreme angst and yaoi.
Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia. It belongs to Hidekaz Himaruya.
I know it's hard to tell
How mixed up you feel
Hoping what you need
Is behind every door
Each time you get hurt
I don't want you to change
'Cause everyone has hopes
You're human after all
1989, Moscow, Russia.
Ivan was lying on his bed, looking at the ceiling. He was waiting for something to happen. Something important, even if it was a sad thing. He knew what was about to happen was inevitable, no matter what he did. Because everything that begins must come to an end. Even his relationship with Gilbert, after all those years they spent together, and all those things they went through. It had to end. The wall would fall soon.
-He will leave. -He said sadly and sighed, feeling tears beginning to roll down his cheeks. -No matter how many times he promises he won't… I know he'll leave, da.
When Gilbert finally came to love him, Ivan expected them to be together forever, even knowing that wouldn't happen, he had the slight hope it could. He knew it was stupid to expect that. But he didn't care. It was and always had been his dream to be with Gilbert forever. And now his dream was coming to an end.
The soft sobs became louder until Ivan was screaming "WHY?" at the top of his lungs. Gilbert could hear him from his room. He sighed… He really didn't want to leave the Russian, but he wanted to see his brother, and he knew if he went away, he wouldn't be brave enough to return and face Ivan. What should he do? What could he do? The feeling of being trapped returned. It was the same feeling he had when he first came to live in the soviet household… He wanted to die.
The feeling sometimes
Wishing you were someone else
Feeling as though
You never belong
This feeling is not sadness
This feeling is not joy
I truly understand
Please, don't cry now
Tears began coming out of his eyes. Unlike all his people who would be happy when the wall fell, he wouldn't. A part of him would, the one that wanted to see Ludwig, but the other part, the one that belonged where Ivan was, wouldn't. His tears turned to jealousness. Why could everyone be happy but him? It was unfair. He was finally loving someone genuinely, and his happiness had to be ended. It was unfair. He had always been alone, watching everyone with their beloved ones, how they laughed and kissed. He'd never had the feeling of being loved and needed until Ivan brought him to Russia. And soon, the feeling would disappear and once again, he'd be unnecessary, and he'd be alone.
-I'm happy being alone… -He mumbled bitterly.- …But that's not true.
Please don't go
I want you to stay
I'm begging you please
Please don't leave here
I don't want you to hate
For all the hurt that you feel
The world is just illusion
Trying to change you
The day finally came. The wall fell. East Berliners ran to the west part of the city to see their beloved ones once again. Gilbert stood in the middle of the sea of people, debating on whether he should go or stay. Ivan walked up to him.
-I don't want you to leave me. -He said sadly, about to cry.
-I don't want to leave you either… but-
-You want to see Ludwig, da? I know. -Ivan said in a bitter tone and clutched his fists.
-Ja. -Gilbert sighed and bit his lip. -Should I go?
-I don't know. He's your brother, not mine. -Ivan looked down. Gilbert looked at him and grabbed him by his arm. Ivan looked up at him and then down again as the tears began coming down. Gilbert softly grabbed him by his chin, and forced him to look at him.
-Ivan, please listen. -He began, not really sure about what to say. -I… I'll go. But I won't stay there forever. I'm going to return. In some days. Maybe a week. But I'm going to return home… to you. -He said softly and wiped Ivan's tears with his thumbs. He felt like crying, but pulled back the tears. Ivan sobbed and nodded. It couldn't be helped. -Ich liebe dich, mein Russisch. -Gilbert finally said and kissed Ivan, slowly, tenderly, making the kiss last, since it would be the last they'd share in a while. After some minutes, he pulled apart and began walking away. He turned one last time to wave his hand at Ivan, saying "See you soon". Ivan waved back at him. He wanted to tell him he loved him, but Gilbert disappeared before he could even open his mouth.
-Ya lyublyu tebya, Gilbert! -Ivan shouted to the now deserted street. -Ya lyublyu tebya.
A part of your soul ties you to the next world
Or maybe to the last
But I'm still not sure
But what I do know
Is to us the world is different
As we are to the world
I guess you would know that
Since the moment they parted, Ivan began a countdown. Seven days was all he needed to wait, then his Gilbert would return to him. But then something terrible happened. On the 6th day, he received a call from Ludwig.
-Privyet? -He answered the phone politely, hoping it would be Gilbert, telling him that he'd be home next day, and at which time he expected to be arriving at Russia.
-You damn schwein! What did you do to my bruder? -Ludwig yelled angrily. Ivan got scared and dropped the phone. After calming down, he picked it up again.
-W-what are you talking about? -He asked, worried now.
-He's dying, you bastard!
-…Dying? -Ivan dropped the phone again, and froze. It couldn't be. It had to be a joke. His Gilbert couldn't be dying. He picked up the phone and managed to mumble. -I'm on my way.
Please don't go
I want you to stay
I'm begging you please
Please don't leave here
I don't want you to hate
For all the hurt that you feel
The world is just illusion
Trying to change you
He left for Germany as fast as he could. When he arrived to Ludwig's house, there was a note on the door, probably for Feliciano, saying in which hospital Gilbert was. Ivan immediately headed for that hospital, but when he arrived, it was too late… or so everyone though.
Gilbert was lying on a hospital bed, connected to many machines that were his only way to keep living. Ivan's heart broke in many pieces when he saw his beloved Gilbert like that. Just a little more than week ago, before the wall fell, he was perfectly fine. He even remembered what they had been doing.
It was a sunny evening at Moscow. Ivan decided to stop working for a while and spend the rest of the day with Gilbert, so he made him have tea with him. They were sitting in the living room, chatting, laughing, having tea and pastries… it was the most perfect evening Ivan had ever lived.
"It's nice like this, da? Just you and me…" He commented. Gilbert nodded, wondering what had Ivan done to get rid of the Baltics and his sisters.
"We should do this more often." Gilbert said, taking a sip of his tea. He set the cup on the coffee table and approached Ivan. The Russian looked confusedly at him.
"What's wrong?" He asked. Gilbert sealed their lips together in a loving kiss. Ivan wrapped his arms around his shoulders, pulling him closer. The kiss grew more passionate, and before they even noticed, they were both nude, lying on the couch. Gilbert kissed Ivan's neck and nibbled on it lightly, just to mark him. Ivan moaned.
"H-hurry…Gilbert…please." He pleaded. Gilbert smirked and pushed 3 fingers inside the Russian's mouth until they were covered in saliva. Those 3 fingers were used to stretch Ivan's entrance, just enough so the penetration wouldn't hurt him that much.
Gilbert entered him in a single, quick thrust. Ivan gasped and clutched the couch's fabric. Gilbert apologized and told him he'd stop if Ivan wanted. The Russian shook his head no and told him to continue. Gilbert did as he was told. The thrusts were slow at first, but increased in speed as Ivan got used to them. The soft moans turned to louder screams of pleasure as Gilbert his Ivan's prostate time after time. Both finally reached their climaxes. Gilbert released his seed inside Ivan's tightness, and Ivan released his onto their stomachs and faces. They laid on the couch, covered in sweat and cum, hugging each other tightly, as if knowing it'd be the last time they'd be this closer.
"I love you Ivan. I love you so much my heart hurts when we're apart." Gilbert whispered softly as sleep began to take over them both. "I will always love you. Even if we're apart physically, our hearts will always be together. I'll always be looking after you." He whispered, not noticing Ivan had already fell asleep. He kissed his temple as he fell asleep as well. Even if Ivan hadn't heard him, something told him he already knew it.
Ivan's eyes filled with tears as a loud sob escaped his lips. Ludwig left the room. He thought about interrogating the Russian right there, but it wouldn't be correct.
Ivan kneeled next to the bed and took Gilbert's hand into his. He kissed it.
-Gilbert…you promised you wouldn't leave me. -Ivan mumbled. -Don't die. I need you… Gilbert. -Ivan sobbed and sniffled. The quick "beep beep" sound of the machine that showed Gilbert's heart rate turned into a long, never ending "beep". Ivan looked at it. There was a long line going through it, instead the zigzag line that it was showing a moment ago. That meant… -No… Gilbert. Gilbert. GILBERT! -Ivan yelled loudly. His voice could be heard through the whole hospital. Ludwig entered the room quickly.
After that, the fight between Ludwig and Ivan over the location where Gilbert should be buried began.
That didn't really matter to the Russian. He could move to Germany so that he could be with Gilbert, or he could kill himself, it didn't matter.
1991, Moscow, Russia.
In the end, Gilbert was buried in a cemetery in Russia. Ivan used to visit him everyday, and talk to him as if he were still alive, but one day, he decided it was time to stop.
Ivan was at the living room, sitting on the same couch in the same room he'd spent his last intimate moment with Gilbert. Whenever he went there, he busted in tears, but not today. He lied down and rested his hands on his abdomen, letting his mind wander. He began falling asleep. When he was about to fall completely asleep, he heard Gilbert's voice whispering to him.
"I love you Ivan. I never left you… I'm here. I'm looking after you, my love. I don't want you to cry anymore… We'll see each other again someday. Until then, try to be happy, because I'm never leaving you again. Even if you can't see me, I'm always here."
Ivan smiled. Maybe it was the effects of all the alcohol he'd drunk, but hearing Gilbert's voice, even if it was the last time ever, made him happy.
He fell asleep and had dreams of southern islands and sunflowers like he did before. When he woke up he came to one conclusion.
"Love is an illusion worth living, even when it doesn't end as you wanted. It's about being happy with someone else, and making that person happy as well. Gilbert was my illusion, and I'm glad I was able to be with him, even if it was for a very short time. I know he'll always be in my heart, and that we'll see each other again. Until then, I'll smile and live happy, because I know he wouldn't want to see my crying anymore."
Illusion by VNV Nation.
Reviews are loved.