Trying
*****
Could you let down your hair and be transparent for awhile
Just a little while to see if you're human after all
*****
"Deb, the lab works came up negative," John informed his colleague and friend.
"Well, John," she paused to ponder the history of the patient. "I would call it heart burn and send her home, but there is just something not right here."
John nodded. She had great instincts. Deb always had great instincts. Looking at her track record though, most doctors wouldn't think so.
Once upon a time he would have called her a robot in the field of medicine. As med students go, Deb had been the "one to watch". Often John felt insecure and envious of her composure, her ability to detach her emotions from the situation.
John on the other hand was considered soft. He had been unable to detach himself from each and every patient he would treat. "What are you thinking? Stroke? Mild heart attack?" he asked, feeling his lab coat for a pen.
"I don't know," she said perplexed. "I've done an entire work up and history. I don't know why he's so out of breath and BP so irregular. Nothing points to a heart murmur or attack. It was short and sudden." Deb threw her chart on the admin desk.
"Do you want to send for Jackson? It's not critical. Cardiology can do an extensive work up and maybe catch something you couldn't."
"Something I missed?" she said accusingly.
"No Deb," John replied surpised at her anger. "We're just ER docs. They specialize in this sort of thing…"
Deb glared at John, but not at him. It made him feel 3 inches tall. He hated to think Deb thought he doubted her ability.
"Fine," she growled. "I'll call Jackson."
John watched her stalk away. She had been touch all week. Sometimes John felt he could read her. And Deb never let people read her.
She had to strong, was her biggest motivation. That's what John thought anyway. There were two times she had asked for help and he'd been there each time.
Giving up her child. It was the hardest thing she'd ever done. Still now, John didn't really know if she had truly dealt with it. She came back to work and that was it. Everything was fine, he'd assumed. Everyone assumed.
Then the unexpected death of a patient occurred.. Deb hadn't looked at the films and the patient died. Suddenly the whole mess with Keri not being there and Romano and Keri's decision to "ask" her to resign came up, not long after.
He had held her on that quiet and dark rooftop. John had felt the heaving sobs of a confused and empty woman. The wetness of the tears still seemed to stain his chest. A scar of another one of Deb's trials. And one more time her resiliency shone. She came back strong than ever. Deb demanded her job back. And she got it.
» * »
A couple of John's patients had been treated and some were still waiting for the results of some labs. John took a quick breather. It had been a busy night. Suddenly, looking across the admin desk into the waiting room, John realized how dead it had become.
"Chuny," he called behind him to the Hispanic nurse. "Has Chen's chest pain in 2 been taken to cardiology?"
John turned around in the swivel chair to face the nurse. She nodded, but made a face. "Yeah, but I think Chen's got a bee in her bonnet tonight. She was barking at everyone."
***
Honesty is a hard attribute to find when we all want to seem like we got it all figured out
Let me be the first to say that I don't have a clue
***
He checked the staff lounge and the ambulance access. John's last hiding place to check was the rooftop.
As he opened the door quietly and peered into the cold darkness of the night, John's gaze rested upon the pressed white lab coat that stood looking into the city's abyss.
"Hey," John said casually. "What are you doing up here?"
There was no response.
Her black hair almost disappeared in the darkness of the surrounding night. John leaned his back against the ledge of the rooftop, arms folded against his chest. "Deb. Talk to me. What's going on?"
John tried to peer into her dark, almost black, eyes, which seemed to be staring off into the distance.
He slid closer to his seemingly catatonic friend. Slipping one of his arms from across his chest, John pressed his hand on her cold, lifeless hand that rested on the edge of the rooftop.
John felt a jolt of movement under his hand, but kep it firmly pressed upon hers. Deb's head turned in sudden acknowledgement of her unexpected guest. "John," she gasped. The warmth of her breath animated by the embrace of the cold air. "What are you doing here?"
"I'd like to ask you the same question," he said softly. He was worried. John had never seen her like this. She was so quiet, keeping to herself more and more. John had to finally admit he was clueless as to what was going on with Deb. He had been too wrapped up in Abby and Susan.
"Nothing," she stated casually, turning her gaze towards the city lights.
"It's not nothing," John coaxed. He squeezed her hand, urging the warmth of his body to seep into her freezing hand.
John watched her gaze drift down to her hand wrapped in his. "John, don't worry about it. I'm strong I can handle it myself."
"But you don't have to," he paused, letting go of her hand and grasping her shoulders in attempt to peer into her evasive eyes.
"John," she pleaded, unable to make eye contact.
"Tell me Deb. I'm here. I'm always here." He felt the trembling that travelled the length of her body in his hands. John didn't know if it was the cold of the night, the overwhelming wave of emotions she was having at the moment, or a combination of both. Whatever it was, John pulled Deb into his warm embrace. "I promise," he whispered. "I promise."
***
I don't have all the answers
Ain't going to pretend like I do
***
It seemed like forever before Deb would even find the words to describe what was going on her life the last couple of weeks. John finally convinced her to go to a nearby café. Their shifts had ended and Mark and Keri were on for the rest of the night.
John watched her sitting across the booth from her, cradling her cup of coffee in her slender hands. "So when did he find out?" John asked.
"My dad's known for a month now." Deb gently set her cup back on the table. "He's known he's had a murmur for a month now!" she exclaimed, rubbing her eyes. "Tell me how a father keeps something like that from his only daughter?"
John shook his head. His life had been filled with little family secrets like that lately too. Especially the one about his father divorcing his mother. "I don't. If you figure that one out, tell me," he said sarcastically.
Deb nodded, rolling her eyes and smiling a crooked smile. It made him feel good to see her smile again. John didn't think that he'd seen her smile for a week or so. Apparently talking about it did her some good. "Why didn't you let anyone know in the ER about what was going on? You've been working double shifts and weekends for weeks now. No wonder I found you so out of it tonight."
She smiled again, looking up at him. "and who would I tell? Keri? Oh, yeah, like I'd care to tell her anything. And Green? He's got his own hell to deal with, right now."
John agreed. He'd just found out a couple of weeks ago. "and what's your excuse for not telling me?"
She rolled her eyes. "Kay, and where would you fit it in between your break up and your continual pursuit of Abby?"
His jaw dropped. "I am not pursuing Abby!" he sputtered.
"Right John," she said sarcastically. Deb shrugged her shoulders. "Besides, I don't expect or shouldn't expect that the people I work with have to be my friends."
John, scrunched his face at the comment. "What do you mean? You have friends at the ER."
Deb sighed. "John are you kidding me? I work there. I make a few snide comments at your love life and maybe if I'm bored, listen to the nurses' gossip mill, but after that? I'm out of there."
"No," he denied, shaking his head.
"Just because you have Lewis and Abby hanging out with you, doesn't mean they do the same with me."
John's mind didn't seem to grasp the idea. He'd always assumed she had made friends here and there at her time at County. "Then why did you come back?" he asked, shifting his weight in the booth and leaning back against the cushioned seat.
"Besides not wanting Weaver to get the best of me?" she growled. "Because of you John."
John sat up surprised. "Really?" he asked intrigued.
"Yes John," she said drolly. "I figured I couldn't leave without getting my turn at the infamous John Carter."
He stared at her, smiling crookedly.
"I'm kidding Carter," she sighed and hit his hand playfully.
"Oh really? I was hoping," he said huskily, grasping her hand.
She seemed speechless. He had meant it playfully but now that he thought about it. Why not?
Because she's always been there for you and with your track record you'd end up hating each other.
John let go of her hand. "Just kidding Chen," John said ever so casually.
"Of course." Deb shifted uncomfortably in the seat of her booth.
***
Well I haven't got it all figured out quite yet
But even if it takes my whole life to get where I need to be
If I should fall to the bottom of the end
I'll be one step back to you
***
"Deb?" John asked quietly as he walked her to her apartment.
"Yeah?"
"You know we're friends right? I mean, you can call me night and day."
John hoped she understood that she meant something to him. Wherever John was going, she'd always had his back. In everything, his love life, his family, when all was messed up, he could always rely on Deb and her friendship. It was one thing he hadn't screwed up.
"Yeah, John."
She didn't believe he was telling her the truth. As he walked her up the steps to her apartment. "I mean it," he stated firmly, grabbing her arm.
"Until when John? Your next infatuation or Abby actually glancing your way?" she asked tiredly.
John didn't understand where this was coming from.
"Look John, I've been with you through thick and thin. I've been there through the drugs, the women. I've always been there. Because I care." She faltered.
John interrupted, "And I feel the same…"
Deb stopped him. "Don't," she interrupted. "Don't tell me you feel the same way. You have no idea how I feel. As in evidence that it took you two weeks to call me on what's bothering me."
*****
Could *I* let down *my* hair and be transparent for a while
Just a little while to see if *I'm* human after all
*****
Could he do it?
"I do care Deb," he said breathily. "Of course I care. You have no idea. You've been my best friend since med school. Then you left and I didn't realize how much I missed you until you came back."
"John," she said softly, resting her hand on his chest.
John put his hands on her lips. If he didn't say it now he'd never say it. "You asked a few weeks ago why I go after older women." She nodded. "it's because of you."
Deb looked confused.
"If I actually dated a woman our age, I would pick you," he confessed. Her eyes widened at the revelation.
"I couldn't date you because we were best friends, not because I didn't think you were my type. And I knew with my track record I'd mess up. I could lose you Deb." He took a deep breath. "I couldn't lose the one person who understand the family, the money, the pressure. The one person I could talk to."
John watched the tears well up in her eyes. He'd said it. He'd finally said it. A load lifted from his chest.
"I'm sorry I didn't notice sooner. I'm sorry I didn't notice that something was bothering you. I have been so caught up in myself…" his voice trailed.
"Yeah, well, what's new? She laughed, punching his shoulder.
John smiled as she wiped the tears from her cheeks. The beautiful woman standing in front of him laughing. This woman understood him. Despite the money and the family, which she herself had, she loved him for who he was, who he wanted to become.
And she was someone whom he loved. Deb was everything he looked for. She was smart, kind and strong.
He needed her and she needed him.
*****
Well I haven't got it all figured out quite yet
But even if it takes my whole life to get where I need to be
If I should fall to the bottom of the end
I'll be one step back to you
*****
And John had just figured out one part of where he needed to be.