Hi, thanks for peeking in. The final impetus for this story has been a TV report that has moved me very much.
Two chapters of this story were posted some time ago, I wasn´t satisfied, so I changed a few things and now I´m giving it a new try. Hope you´ll like it.
How do you deal with it, knowing that you are going to die? What if You unexpectedly meet the love of Your life ?
I've made up my own thoughts.
Reviews are as always highly appreciated, say, what You think. English is not my native language, so excuse me, for killing the grammar, sometimes.
DISCLAIMER: As always, I don´t own anyone from Criminal Minds. They will return to their rightful owner, as intact as possible. I do not earn money with this, this story is intended for entertainment.
The song Callie sings at the Blue Note is called 'Hurt' by Johnny Cash I also don´t own it, there were only a few lines I borrowed.
"I'm very sorry, Miss Aimes. But we talked about this possibility."
"I know, Doctor. But to talk about a possibility and then to face a fact, are two different pair of shoes, if you know what I mean." Callie stood up so abruptly, the chair almost fell over.
"Miss Aimes, please. I know...No, I don´t know how hard that is. Maybe we consider a second opinion. I´m sending your CT-scan´s to Dr. Sykes in Chicago. He´s a friend of mine and he is one of the best neurologists and surgeons that I know of." Dr. Malone knew how false that sounded. Kayleigh Aimes was about to die, he knew and she knew, as well. On days like this, he hated his job, Kayleigh was just her mid-thirties and her life was supposed to be happy and full of love and laughter, but it wasn´t.
"How long, Dr. Malone?" Callie's question interrupted his thoughts.
"Twelve months, maybe less."
"Twelve months", Kayleigh repeated tonelessly and tried to keep her composure. Tried to suppress the sobs and the tears that wanted to make their way out of her heart. "Thank you. For everything you've done." Kayleigh squeezed the doctor's hand. "I wish I could do more, Callie. Your prescription is already stored in the pharmacy, I re-new it, any time, when the pain becomes too strong." Kayleigh nodded and left the practice.
XXX
five months later ...
Number 7: singing in a bar
Callie could also check off this point. However, she found out, being a singer suited her. A different crowd every evening was fun. Kayleigh sang for about one week in this bar. Charlie, the owner of the 'blue note' was impressed by her and she let herself be persuaded to do it more often. It gave her pleasure and she felt still relatively good, the pain has been limited, as if 'Bill', as she had named her unwanted companion, wanted to give her a little breathing space.
Hotch entered the 'blue note' at a quarter after 10 p.m. Today was the second anniversary of Haley's death and the pain didn´t become less, for Hotch. Quite the contrary. He felt lonely and basically lost. Jack was his only fixing point, but today? Hotch wasn´t able to put on his Dad-mask and tell Jack, everything was all right. Because it wasn´t. He didn´t want Jack to see him like this. From the outside view, he did his job completely emotionless and looked nearly ok. Inside, he was broke, kind of. Deserted and sad, so sad. He knew how much the team worried about him, he was really overwhelmed by their care. But there was nothing, that brought back Haley, nothing could ease his pain.
He sat at the bar and stared at his Glenfiddich. One or twice a year he came here. When it got too bad. Was there something good, anyway? They had come from Bangor, Maine earlier. Five little girls were brutally murdered, all of Jack's age. At this moment, it was more than Hotch could stand.
I hurt myself today,
to see if I still feel.
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
Hotch turned towards the stage, her voice went through and through. And she was so right. The pain was the only thing that was reality.
What have I become
my sweetest friend
Everyone I know
goes away in the end
What have I become, Hotch thought. Yeah, what? Haley told me, to show Jack, what love is. And that his father was a different man, back then. But how can I teach him, how to love, when I´m so lost? Hotch was looking for comfort, someone, who was there to hold him, when everything turns black. He emptied the glass in one gulp.
Callie immediately noticed him. The 'blue note' was not crowded, no wonder, it was Tuesday. The week had just begun. He wore a suit that fitted him like a glove, like an armor, Callie thought suddenly. And he made the impression that he´d crack into pieces, if he got rid of this armor. Focus on your lyrics, Kayleigh, she said to herself, that´s why you're here.
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
No, you couldn´t fix thoughts, neither feelings nor life. Hotch had ordered Glenfiddich No.3.
Callie finished her last song at midnight , Hotch was still sitting at the bar. Callie waved the bartender to come over.
"How many did he have?" she asked.
"I poured him no. 7, a couple of minutes ago, Callie. But I didn´t get the impression that he was even close to being drunk. By the way, he wants to know, what you prefer?"
"Ginger ale, as usual, Charlie." Callie sat down next to Hotch. "Is it okay if I just take a ginger ale?"
Hotch nodded.
"Maybe you should join me?" Hotch handed her his car keys and looked straight into her eyes.
"Better?"
Callie smiled briefly, "Better. But no solution, I know that, I've already tried. Problems always float up, no matter how deep you have downed them." What are you doing, Callie thought angrily. Picking up a complete stranger in a bar, was not a spot on her bucket list. But there were his eyes, Kayleigh had never seen so much pain and suffering. She was about to die and leave the pain behind, but what about him?
"I'll give you a lift home, okay?"
"I can´t go home," Hotch said quietly.
"You can´t stay as well, Charlie will close the bar in an hour."
"I can sleep in my car," Hotch said in a slightly defiant tone and gave a hint that 7 Glenfiddich had left its mark on him, either.
"You could. But my couch is quite comfortable, I think your car can´t keep up."
Aaron was asleep almost as soon as he sat in the car. Callie had to massage her left hand, it was nearly numb. Her entire left side was tingling, Callie moaned softly, not now, she thought, please not now. It took a while, until she was able to drive off.
Hotch was cooperative when she woke him. "I'm home," Callie just had to shake him once.
"Haley," he said softly and Callie corrected him gently.
"Kayleigh."
"Kayleigh," Hotch repeated, of course, it was Kayleigh. Haley was gone. Left him. All alone. He stroked her cheek and kissed her very gently.
Why not, she thought. Actually, it didn´t matter at all. One Night, Callie knew, he wouldn´t be rude. He was tender and soft, so she kissed him back. He was not demanding, rather begging for warmth and closeness, perhaps they could take away the pain from each other, only a little bit of this pain. Callie put her arm around his waist as they entered the elevator together. Hotch was leaning at her, a little, it felt so right, not to be alone.
XXX
"Hotch is not here yet?" JJ put a cup of hot coffee on Rossi´s table and offered him a muffin.
"Double Choc?" Dave asked, JJ smiled and nodded. Sweet tooth, JJ thought as Dave enjoyed a bite.
"You´re not worried about him? I mean, Hotch looks terrible, lately."
"I know JJ. However, you can´t force him to accept help. Maybe he takes the day off, You and me were supposed to do the same thing. It has been a tough case. We all need some rest."
JJ just groaned.
"Will?"
Rossi asked and JJ rolled her eyes.
"It´s about Will every time, isn´t it?"
"I thought, things were going better now, what´s the matter? Still fighting about nothing?" Dave knew for some time, that there were problems between Will and JJ.
"It's a constant up and down, Dave. Whenever I think everything is in order now, Will gets weird at any little thing going on and the fights start again. It should be easier if there are two of you?"
Dave just smiled," Well, at least you can share a pair of problems that you didn´t have, when you´re single."
JJ giggled," I don´t know, what I would do without your advice, David Rossi. What about Hotch? We call him? "
Morgan peeked in Rossi´s office, "Hotch is not here?" Dave and JJ shook her head at the same time.
"Oh, don´t tell me, it´s a Double Choc Muffin, Dave is eating?" Derek put on his puppy dog eyes, "I had nothing sweet this morning, JJ."
JJ flipped her Tupperware box and conjured another muffin, "I guess, it was nothing sweet to eat, Morgan. Am I right?"
Derek grinned. "I enjoy life and keep my mouth shut, as always."
XXX
Hotch woke up because something was not right. The bed, his bed? Was... wasn´t his bed. Hotch blinked and moaned softly. Although the blind was pulled down, it was even bright enough to realize that this wasn´t his bedroom. And the blond curly head was not Jack´s. Slowly, very slowly, he recalled. Kayleigh? Kayleigh from the 'Blue Note'. She took me to her place, because I didn´t want to go home, Hotch thought. He remembered green eyes, that had met his brown ones, passionate kisses and touches. And he remembered how they had made love, like drowning, desperate and seeking oblivion. Also the fact that Callie was crying.
Callie moved a bit, slipped the covers and revealing her back. 'Carpe Diem' was entangled in vertical letters on her back, surrounded by a rose beneath her neck and one over her butt. Hotch stroked over her tattoo, with a small smile, 'Carpe Noctem' would have been more appropriate. Hotch stood up carefully.
"The second door on the right," Callie murmured, "the bathroom, I mean. And there are some fresh towels are on the shelf behind the door."
"Thanks," Hotch muttered back. Apparently it was okay for her, that he was still here. Hotch had no experience in these matters, before Haley, there had been only one other girl and even with her it lasted longer than just one night. This was uncharted territory.
Callie heard the rushing water of the shower and sat up slowly. The headaches were back again, the respite was short, she grabbed her Vicodin in the nightstand drawer. Nearly empty, again. Like I am eating m & m´s, Callie smiled sarcastically. He has not vanished into thin air, leaving like a thief. Callie thought. She remembered clearly, his fingers on her back, following the letters of her tattoo, very gently. Did he smile, while doing that? Callie shook her head, it didn´t matter, whether he smiled or not, they won´t see each other again, anyway. Falling in love with this man would be the stupidest thing ever. I don´t even know his damn name. Kayleigh put some clothes on and quickly gathered his clothes. She laid them neatly on a chair.
Hotch enjoyed the crackle of hot water on his body and the pleasant smell of orange blossoms, filling the room. He had to open a few bottles before he opted for the shower gel with orange blossom scent. Callie´s bathroom was like that 'body shop', Jess dragged him in once, to buy a present for someone's birthday. There was only one kind of shower gel in Hotch´s place, he wasn´t keen on experiments. On Callie´s shelf there was a huge number of jars and bottles. Hotch stood before the mirror cabinet now, a shave was indicated, but this had to wait. He ran tentatively over his face, it wasn´t that bad. He went back to the bedroom to get dressed. Hotch could hear Callie potter in the kitchen, and the smell and the bubbling of the coffee. Hotch walked into the kitchen, feeling unsecure.
"Good morning,"
"Hi, I see you have found everything?"
Hotch nodded, "I´m sorry. Did I talk you into something? Something, you didn´t want? I mean, I know that we slept together, but ..."
"You don´t remember exactly how it happened," Callie added and handed him a cup of coffee. "Milk, sugar?" Hotch made use of both. "I guess, you had a pretty bad day. Anyway, you told me, you can´t go home and you wanted to sleep in your car, I offered my couch and you looked at me, like Bambi, so it just happened."
"I looked at you like... Bambi?" Hotch repeated.
"like a wounded deer?" Callie suggested, smiling a bit.
"Wounded deer? I guess, I can live with that," Hotch's mouth twitched slightly. She seemed to be a straightforward woman. "Is there somewhere you have to be? I can give you a lift, your car is still at the bar, I guess."
"That would be very nice. I´m doing a tandem jump in 2 hours time, why don´t you join me?"
"Jump? With a parachute? Why?" Hotch did not quite understand why anyone would voluntarily put his life at risk by jumping out of an airplane.
"Because I feel like doing it. You never do something crazy?" She glanced at the perfect Windsor knot of his tie. "Probably not." Callie answered the question herself. "I need to shower and I have to change my clothes. If it´s ok for you, to wait? I don´t want to stall you, you look like a busy man."
Hotch nodded spontaneously, "I have to call my office, but after that, I can do something crazy, like using up overtime without payment."
Callie had to laugh, "using up overtime is crazy? How long you usually stay in your office? 24/7? Make yourself at home, I'll hurry up. Oh, for the record, I'm Kayleigh 'Callie' Aimes."
"Aaron Hotchner. Hotch, if you like."
Hotch looked around her living room, while Callie was in the bathroom. It was cozy, with a huge, crumpled couch, solid wood furniture and a lot of plants. Watercolor paintings adorned the walls, the signature was K.A. Kayleigh Aimes, so she was an artist. Hotch didn´t understand too much about painting, but she seemed very talented. On a large desk lay a lot of sketches of... rabbits? Ferdinand Rabbit, Hotch suddenly thought. Jack loved these stories. It was about the adventures of a little rabbit, who´s ears were purple-colored. The author´s name was K. Aimes, Hotch had never been interested in what was hiding behind the K.
"You are writing children's books?" he asked, when she came back from the bathroom.
"Author, illustrator, bar singer ... as requested, Hotch. You know about Ferdinand?"
"My boy is crazy about him, he's six."
Kayleigh smiled, "I'm glad, my audience is happy. What's his name?"
"Jack"
Callie went to the shelf next to the desk, picked up a book and suddenly lost grip and dropped it. She cursed quietly. Hotch was faster than her and picked it up. "Thank you," Callie said, rubbing her left hand.
Hotch watched her carefully, looking into her eyes, "Is everything all right? You can´t jump, if you're not fit." Hotch wasn´t sure, was there a change in her eyes? Her pupils seemed pretty small, like she had taken something?
"This isn´t your decision, Hotch. If I want to jump out of a fucking plane, then I'll do it." Callie sounded very harsh. "I can take a taxi to the club. Maybe you'd better go. It was nice tonight. We shouldn´t spoil it, please Aaron."
Hotch nodded, he realized, he had crossed a line. "I didn´t want to offend you, Callie. I´m just concerned about you, that´s all. If you want me to go, I´m gone." Hotch pulled on his jacket. "I thought it was nice too, Callie," he said, while walking out of her door.
Callie wiped the tears away, why had he to be so kind and caring? She began to laugh hysterically. Was it possible, to meet the right person, when you´re facing death?
XXX
Hotch decided, to cancel his day off. Jack was at school and there was a lot of paperwork, waiting to be done. His thoughts circled around that woman he met. It was crazy, but somehow he felt responsible for Callie. There was a connection between them, from the start. She had something special, something, that touched him deep inside. Something long forgotten. And something was wrong with her, she tried to hide it and she wasn´t bad in hiding. But he had noticed it last night, by the way she sung. Just as sad and lost as he felt.
Hotch entered the BAU and his office without comment and closed the door.
"He's in? Didn´t Rossi say, Hotch had sent a text message?" Derek asked.
Reid shrugged his shoulders, "Rossi might have misunderstood something. Hotch doesn´t take a day off, just for fun."
"I´m not talking about 'just for fun', pretty boy. Yesterday it was 2 years, Haley died. He takes the whole thing still very much to the heart. It wasn´t his fault."
"Maybe you should go and tell him." Emily slammed a couple of files on her desk, "I'm sure that will help him." Emily was annoyed. Phrases didn´t help Hotch. He needed a break to sort himself out and find a new beginning. Derek preferred to ignore Emily's outburst. She was right, anyway. The day passed slowly. With a debrief of the last case, Hotch had scheduled spontaneously, because everyone was in the office, instead of being at home. The team wanted to close the files as soon as possible, five dead children left a bitter aftertaste, in everyone.
Callie walked into the bullpen. The agent at the counter had indeed told her exactly where she had to go, but Callie had already forgotten. Like so much, lately. Rossi was the first, to notice the woman with the visitor-ID.
"Can I help you, miss?"
"Yes, I am looking for Aaron Hotchner. The agent at the front desk sent me here."
"Hotch's office is upstairs, but I think he´s here for coffee." Rossi turned towards the kitchenette, "Hotch? You have a visitor."
"Callie," Hotch said in surprise, "I didn´t expect you to come."
"I know. I wanted to apologize, and I brought something for Jack." Kayleigh said, uncertainly. Perhaps it wasn´t such a good idea to come here. Hotch was well aware that he was the attraction of the day. "Let's go in my office. Would you like some coffee?"
Callie shook her head, "I don´t have that much time."
"Callie? What did I miss?" Derek watched, like everyone else, as Hotch disappeared with Callie into his office. "Blonde and petite, just his type. Maybe we worry about nothing?"
"I don´t think so. Hotch wasn´t shaved when he came in and his mood is bad as ever. But that´s none of our business," Reid said firmly and sat down again.
XXX
"Sit down, please. How do you know where I work?"
"Well, this isn´t stone age, I googled your name, Mr. FBI. You're a real hero."
"I'm anything but that, Callie." Hotch replied seriously. "We lost five children in Maine."
"That´s why you´ve been at the 'blue note'?" she asked gently.
"No, not the only reason. Sometimes it´s just worse, you know?"
"I do. And I didn´t jump today. I wanted you to know. I overreacted. It was well-meant, and I appreciate that. A lot. I didn´t want to embarrass you, by coming by, your colleagues seem to be quite interested."
"Oh yes, they are." A brief smile flashed across his face.
"Where? Where is she, muffin?" Garcia rushed to Derek's desk, "I just heard, is she pretty? How old is she? How did they meet?"
"A lot of questions, kitten. We have no idea, you'll have to wait like everyone else."
"Don´t look at me like that, Garcia. I don´t know anything." Rossi raised his hands.
XXX
"I have to go, Hotch. Surely you have work to do."
"Actually I wanted to take the day off, most of the paperwork is done and filed. I can give you the tour, if you like. Completely without ulterior motives, Callie."
Kayleigh smiled, "You wanna make them curious, I guess,"
"Maybe a little bit," Hotch admitted and spontaneously grabbed her hand. "I would really like to do it, Callie."
"I can´t, Aaron, please. I'm so sorry. And, it's not your fault, I think you're a good man, but this isn´t the right time and this won´t do any good. Not for both of us. I brought something, for Jack," Callie fumbled in her handbag, "a pre-print of part four. It will be published in three months, but I think Jack should be the first one to have it."
Hotch opened the book carefully, "You wrote a personal dedication," he said, surprised.
"Of course, after all it´s a very special gift."
Callie stood up, "I have to go. Sorry, if I.. I´m so sorry, Hotch."
"You didn´t disturb me, Callie. The contrary. And you must not leave head over heels, you are a pleasant companion."
Callie was almost at the door. "Don´t say so, Aaron, I'm not a pleasant companion. For no one." Kayleigh's voice was brittle. "Farewell, Aaron" Before Hotch had the chance to respond to her, she was already through the door and down the stairs.
"Looks as if Hotch put his visitor to flight," Garcia said, as Callie almost rushed down the stairs.
"I think she's crying," Prentiss added and followed Callie spontaneously into the hallway. "He will not appear quicker, you know?"
Kayleigh stood at the elevator and pressed the call button permanently.
"I'm Emily Prentiss. Hotch, I work with him." Em stretched out her hand. "Kayleigh Aimes," Callie replied, shaking the offered.
"Hotch is a bit difficult, sometimes. You should not take it to heart."
Callie wiped a few tears away, "Hotch isn´t difficult, not at all. Excuse me, Miss Prentiss." Callie quickly entered the elevator, which had finally decided to show up.
"So what?" Garcia asked as Emily returned. "Her name is Kayleigh Aimes and she said, Hotch isn´t difficult."
"Oh, she must sooo like him." Garcia concluded razor-sharp.