notes: yes, i have a work in progress. but i'm busy; i only have time for little one-shots.

inspiration: this is actually based on how crappy my life is right now. so much for friends. also, i've seen rachel type what and ever and it seems cool :)

p.s.: this is also written in the first person (i'm so excited!) and it's more or less a freeverse. apologies for the lowercase, but it would have looked worse in uppercase.

p.p.s.: when i say based on my life, what i mean is this is how i fell. dw, my mom is perfectly alive. and this doesn't feel like me in anyway.

apologies: the swear words are an expression of aggression. i promise, i have never sworn this much in my life. it might also be a bit confusing, but i just found out i have a disorder and my mind is a scary place.


i.

misery.

floating in.

floating in my misery.

because that's where i belong.

it hurts so much i feel like killing myself.

but i just c-a-n-n-o-t because i've been told that there are people who care.

people who care, my foot.

my friends, the ones i thought i could trust, have all left me in the dark.

all the responsibilities of the world have been left upon my shoulders.

my mother was taken away from me when i was younger. i've never had a female role model in my life, EVER.

and i just hate when people begin to complain about how |a|n|n|o|y|i|n|g their mothers are, because i don't have a fucking mother. don't complain about things, because, before you know, it's /g/o/n/e/ away from you and you wish it had fucking stayed.

gossiping girls in school are the worst.

they act all innocent to your face and compliment you in every single way possible, but they go behind your back and begin to speak shit about you. i'm just like, bitch, if you can say it to my back, turn around and fucking say it to my face. but, alas, i can't do anything about it because their parents practically own the school and i might be kicked out.

ii.

invisible.

invisible only to you.

you never to seem to recognize me.

and i hate it, i hate it, i hate it.

i have several bones to pick with this guy.

he claims to like me, but he always acts like a jerk.

i've been told that's how he is, but it makes no fucking sense.

anytime i see him, a string of curses run through my head but i keep my trap shut because he's ten times my size and could squash me to a (pulp). and i'd much rather prefer to be alive than to be dead. although now i'm not so sure.

iii.

and i'm falling.

so hard, i'm sure the ground will kill me on impact.

and sometimes i think the universe hates me.

the ground cracks open, and i try not to fall, to stay in the air.

this universe is killing me.

it doesn't seem to think that i have feelings like a normal human being.

i listen to music too. i smile too [maybe not a lot, but i still do.] and i frown too.

it's not just the universe. humans themselves seem to forget me.

i don't want to be forgotten (nobody does) but it seems i. n. e. v. i. t. a. b. l. e.

is there a way to cheat the universe before it cheats you?

iv.

and i think to myself as the liquid drops and drops and drops:

has anything ever felt so sweet?

stop it, you might go to hell, my conscience reminds me.

suddenly, the world freezes and i drop the sharp object.

i don't know what's happening.

but i'm alone.

that's all i'll ever be.

done, done and done all over.

just like what and ever.