A/N: My first Soul Calibur Two fiction, that will undoubtedly be one of my favourites to write. I have always enjoyed messing with the characters in that game, writing out short little funny skits making fun of them and putting them into stupid scenarios, so I'm going to do so with my favourite three characters. Nightmare, Voldo, and Yoshimitsu. The stupid scenario: They're roommates. They have pretty average lives, and they deal with the idiotic stress of everyday life. So enough of the idiotic blabbing; that's what the story is for.
You're Not As Smart As You Aren't
Disclaimer: I do not own Soul Calibur Two or any of the other characters herein. I also do not own anything else that might be mentioned that happens to belong to some other company and/or person. I do acredit myself with the awesome pairing of Cassandra and Sigfried/Nightmare. The characters behaviour herein may also be considered out of character. Such as Sophitia's bitchy sisterness, and Voldo's lazy bumness. Yoshimitsu is just creepy, and some other weird character shifts may be noticed. The point? Get over it. It's all for the sake of being funny.
Prologue
"Oh hell." Voldo sighed. The smoke that poured from the deep fryer was an inky black and did not spell a happy ending for his fast food career. So, as his sacred duty (And probably his last) As the McDonalds bus boy, Voldo put down his PSP and dove nimbly towards the plug. He was too late, however, the tongues of flame had begun to erupt out of the grease pit and were gaining substance.
"Voldo! Get your bandaged ass over to the drive-thru window, or I'll stick my foot up it!" His manager, Murray, screamed from the back room. Murray must not know about the small grease fire that had erupted in his kitchen, or it would mean the end of Voldo's ten dollar an hour job.
The situation was almost funny, really. He had put the McNuggets into the deep fryer, and then with an absent glance at his PSP; figured out it could play music. He popped in his headphones, and literally fell asleep to one of the preset songs they have on the nifty contraptions. He had awoken to the screams of withering McNuggets and the stench of career ending, crisping chicken. So as the black smog filled the kitchen, he had to run the window, or he was fired either way.
He could always pin the fire on someone else; Like Yunsung. Him and Murray hated each other anyways. Murray called Yunsung "Ching-Chung." And Yunsung called Murray a douchebag; not to his face, of course. There would be no love lost. The hopes of avoiding the situation shattered as Necrid walked in to place one of the counter orders and saw the blazing inferno.
"Bleaghen Rarrgh!!!" The big green creature howled in dismay and began bawling incoherently beyond that, and running around in circles, hitting his head off stuff. This of course, attracted more attention than needed. So as he unplugged the contraption, and the fires blazed higher, Murray's voice boomed from the storage room.
"Who burnt the retard with a ciggarette again?" The red faced man roared, and his heavy footfalls were heard. Voldo freaked out. There was very little he could do. Then it hit him. So as Necrid made another round towards him, screaming his ugly head off, Voldo gracefully stepped forward, grabbed Necrid by the scalp, and slammed his face into the deep fryer, covering the flames and creating a perfect alibi. Murray strode forth, and his eyes widened. "What the Hell?"
"Sir!" Voldo screeched. "He's eating all the McNuggets!" Voldo pretended to pull the now unmoving Necrid from the blazing heap. "I couldn't stop him, he was like a man possessed. I think we should stop feeding him the grease from the deep fryer." Voldo shook his head, sweating heavily.
"I also think I should stop hiring employees who will boil their co-workers faces off to cover their own asses! Pack your bags, mummy boy. Your gone."
"Well damn..." Voldo sighed. "Can I keep the deep fryer?"
"Sigfried! It's amazing!" Cassandra squealed, wrapping her arms around her blond boyfriend. They stood in front of the large two bedroom house on the edge of a small forest. It was a little out of the way, but it was near a campsite and it had only one other house near it. Sigfried couldn't agree with his girlfriend of a year more. "I can't wait to move in with you after I finish college!"
It was perfect, it was more than perfect. The only inconvenience would be roommates. If Cassandra had to finish college first, (Another year) He would need help paying off the rent. He believed he knew just the man for the job. Nightmare's lifelong friend, Yoshimitsu, would probably love to live in the large house with him. It had to be better then where he was right now; a smelly apartment next door to a screaming banshee of an old lady.
Not to mention they could probably go hiking in the woods whenever. There was nothing more refreshing and soothing than walking down a forest trail with your best friend. It would be perfect: Sigfried knew it.
"It's as simple as this." Voldo explained to Raphael (His landlord), who now grimaced at him across the table. "I can't make rent because I have no job. Given the current scenario, I should get money after I can pay off my charges from the lawsuit filed by Necrid's family. Not to mention I have Human Rights up my ass. Can you believe it? Apparently sticking a mentally challenged green thing's face in grease is abuse. Anyways, what I'm saying is, I could chill for a bit... You know? A small free ride, and you'd have your money in no time."
The graceful landlord shifted. "I don't know, Voldo..." Raphael rubbed his chin and his blue eyes appeared lost in thought. "I'll have to take some time to think about it..."
Voldo smiled and stood. "You take as much time as you need! You know I have infinite patience!"
Raphael smiled and looked at him. 'Well! I just thought about it! How about no? I want you out by sundown tomorrow, or I'll get more than Human Rights up your ass."
Voldo recoiled. "Um, excuse me, but that's a tad innapropriate! I could file a lawsuit for that!" He stammered, backing up.
Raphael clapped a hand over his face. "For God's sake. Shut up! Just hurry up and get out of here as fast as you can. For the sake of the community."
Voldo sighed and began to gather his stuff. "For the sake of my ass' virginity..." He muttered. It was going to be a long week.
"Well, I dunno. It's kind of a big change." Yoshimitsu yelled as he ducked to avoid a sailing cat. "I mean, I'm so at home here!"
Sigfried sighed in exasperation. "You spend your days spying on people, frightening people, and dodging objects flung at you by your octogenarian neighbor! How can you stand that!" He protested.
Yoshimitsu shrugged and sighed. "I dunno, it's kind of the scheme of things. I've gotten adjusted, ya' know?" He picked up the large white cat and tossed it out the apartment window. "I couldn't live without this place." There was the sound of screeching tires and honking horns from below, as well as someone howling, 'My ear!'
Sigfried took him aside. "Look, man. My place is amazing. Out of the way, quiet..."
"Yes, I understand. But this apartment is a goldmine! Next to other high-rises, lots of people to watch... Plenty of random places to hide in... Rats the size of rabbits... And my neighbors need me!" Yoshimitsu concluded as he pivoted to avoid the collection of butterknives flung through a hole in the wall. "Not to mention there's no rent fee."
Sigfried groaned. "That's the only reason your still here, isn't it!"
"Probably, yeah." Yoshimitsu pondered. "I mean, I do have a job, so I have all this extra money that doesn't have to go to bills!"
"So instead it just goes towards getting new stuff that just gets broken and defecated on?" Sigfried pointed.
Yoshimitsu started to laugh. "Yeah." He gave the hole in the wall a furtive glance. "Fine, I'll go. But it better be a decent price."
"It is, it's going to be split between three people. We just need a room mate." The tall blond grinned.
"Well! That should work out! I mean, it's not like we can find a total slob." Yoshimitsu cackled wildly at his joke and sauntered through a large hole in the wall. He reappeared seconds later with a duffle bag full of clothes.
"That's all your bringing?" Sigfried asked him, confused.
"Well yeah. It's the only things that didn't get stolen."
Sigfried laughed. "Welcome aboard, buddy."
"Waddaya think?" Sigfried clapped Yoshimitsu on the back as they stood in the entrance way of the new house. Yoshimitsu sniffed in contempt.
"It's nice and all, but we only have one neighbor, and their house is a little further than I anticipated... I'm going to need better binoculars."
Sigfried sputtered in protest. 'Why the hell are you obsessed with watching people? Are you like, a pervert?!"
"Oh, heavens no!" Yoshimitsu laughed. "I'm just naturally curious. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff people do in the confines of their own lairs. I had this one neighbor at the high-rise who'd take this turkey and-"
"Okay!" Sigfried cut him off. "You can do whatever, just promise you won't make it too creepy!"
Yoshimitsu laughed again. "Yes, yes. I get the room facing the other house though, deal?"
"But that was going to be my-" Sigfried started.
"Great!" Yoshimitsu beamed and bounded up the stairs with his duffle-bag.
"Do you even know where it is?" Asked Sigfried as he started up the stairs after him. He was met with silence. "Yosh?" He nervously inquired.
"AHA!" Yoshimitsu screamed as he leapt out from behind the potted plant beside the stairway. Sigfried shrieked in mortal terror and fell backwards down the stairs. Yoshimitsu plodded down after him. "Seriously though, I don't know where it is at all. You're going to have to help me find it."
Sigfried, white and shaking, got to his feet. "You're not going to make a habit out of that, are you?"
"What?" Yoshimitsu asked, genuinely confused. "Oh! The jumping out from behind random shit and scaring people?" He shrugged. "I dunno, it's kind of a hobby. I really do it without thinking these days."
"That's beautiful." Sigfried sighed in distress. "Okay, it's on the left hall, last door."
"Roger." Yoshimitsu confirmed and pranced up the steps once again. Sigfried went to follow him, thought better of it, and strode to the kitchen. This was going to be quite the year.
Well thats all for the prologue. I hope this gives everyone a good idea of whats to come though. I'm really looking forward to writing through this, so feedback is welcome, and will be replied too. Constructive criticism is extremely welcome, as I'm always looking to grow as a writer.
-Stewart
